Monday Blog

Posted: November 9, 2010 in Life In General

He didn’t break up with me…….

In fact, he kinda did the opposite…..

And I am so freaking relieved!!!!

Once again, since I can’t read him at all , I was completely wrong in how I thought he would react to me being upset with him…. Well, he did the typical guy thing on Saturday of acting like nothing ever transpired. BUT……….

On Sunday, he came home from work and made a small gesture towards commitment to me. Nothing big. No ILY yet (although I believe he wanted to actually say it…. he just couldn’t figure out how to lead into it… which was kinda cute watching him struggle…. ) and we aren’t getting married or anything …. but a small gesture to show that he is committed to me nonetheless.

The gesture is that he is going to let me move all my audio/video equipment in to his house. I don’t use it anymore because I am always at his house. I know this seems so trivial, but this requires a major upheaval at his house. He is a major movie buff and has an elaborate projector set up that he will have to dismantle to do this. He said he hadn’t been willing to do this for other girlfriends in the past…..

Plus, he said that he understands that I get bored and all he wants is for me to be happy…. that he loves having me there all the time but he knows I am getting bored. He doesn’t want me to feel the need to leave because he wants me there with him all the time, even when he’s sleeping. So, if it will make me happy, then he will gladly dismantle his system to bring mine in.

I know. It seems like such a small gesture. But, for someone who has been single as long as he has been, this is like a huge deal!!! And, by him presenting it as a way to make sure I am happy, it just made me melt because I knew it was a commitment issue for him that was holding him back. I’m not sure what happened that made him see the light but I’m so happy he decided to just go for it.

So I was wrong…… again. It was a gamble on my part though. I was so worried!!! It’s nice to finally have someone who listens and responds with action. Love him!!!

On the homefront, all has calmed down a bit. James is working. Keston finally got a job as well. Chelsea found a new job which will pay almost $3 hr more, with more hours weekly, and will be local for her. All I have left is Demareo….. who is still playing SPW and his girlfriend but he just does it away from the house now.

I have recently started having anxiety attacks in the middle of the night again. I haven’t had them consistently like this since Tim moved out. I think it’s due to some emotional bullshit going on at Deann’s. I decided this morning that I need to step back from it for a while. I hate to do that. I love her so much and I love her kids even more, but as Joanne pointed out, I am just too emotionally involved. I need to detach myself from that. Deann doesn’t want me to be emotional about it, and I have such a hard time not having emotional responses.

I wish I could be one of those people that can just stay detached and say FUCK IT, let them do their own thing and whereever they land, they land. Who cares??? But I can’t……

I will say this: if you are my true friend, I hope to God you NEVER get to the point that you feel the need to be that way with me…. to detach. The reason I love you guys so much is because you make me own my shit and don’t let me get away with anything. (Some of you more than others…. ) You tell me how it really is….. and maybe what sets me apart is that I tend to LISTEN to your dumb asses and take your advice to heart! And, when I don’t, I hear about it every which way….. PLEASE don’t ever change that! Just so you know, I appreciate that more than life itself! Really. I want that. I need that.

So I think I am going to throw myself into working more, preparing for the holidays, losing a little weight before the end of the year, and getting my house in order. I just need to keep busy and it will all work out in the end. Right????

I have an amazing boyfriend.

My kids are finally starting to get their shit together.

My relationship with my dad is going better than ever.

All my bills are paid… barely but they are paid….

I really couldn’t ask for more….. Well, I could….. but I will settle for how good things are for right this moment, because this moment is all I need today.

Have a wonderful week!

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