Tuesday Blog

Posted: November 9, 2010 in Life In General

I am still pissed that I am having to blog all this over here but whatever…. it’ll do for now…. I’m sick of bitching at Myspace about it. They’ll either fix it or go down in flames because I am like only one of about a million pissed off users over there today.

So I’m getting pretty excited about moving all of my equipment over to Andy’s. There have been no more misunderstandings and we are getting along famously. I know he really trusts me because he showed me all his incredibly embarrassing recordings from when he was in Germany. They were hilarious!

And, once again, it makes me sad to know that I never got to know him that well in high school because we probably would have gotten along so well! I think this is why I was always able to relate to Jim Bogue, or Dana Cantu, or any number of people that others considered eccentric or weird or quiet back in the day…. I can appreciate those traits and I always have been able to do that.

I was able to be available for this week’s EP chat for the first time in a couple of weeks. Just want to give a shout out to Nate, Cheryl, and Brenda for calling me out several times during the chat to discuss my chronically haphazard life. Payback is a bitch so watch yourself!

Seriously, though…. I have been so blessed lately to have such an amazing group of friends, both online and off. These last couple of days have been so hard for me with regards to friendships. Hell, I have had a rough 3 years really!!! But, I want you all to know how much your input humbles me and makes me such a better person. Not just at EP, but also my offline friends, Joanne and Shereen, have blessed me with so much wisdom in the last 48 hours and I love you ALL!!! MUAH!

Shereen said something to me on the phone last night that was like a EUREKA! moment for me. I have been stressing so much and I tend to really get irked because I just can’t understand why somethings that seem so logical to me are considered illogical to others. What I am talking about is the Golden Rule….. treating others the way you want to be treated….. I get pissed off when I treat people a certain way and then EXPECT them to treat me the same way.

Ok…. I’m being confusing…..

If I am your friend, I am fiercely loyal. I would do anything for you. I would move heaven and earth to help you. I would listen to you whine for hours and hours and try to motivate you to better your situation. I would take the shirt off my back to be sure you were warm. I would do absolutely anything for you. That’s who I am…… I feel very strongly about this. And, THAT’S WHO I AM…..

What has been pissing me off lately is that some of my friends think I am nuts for wanting the same in return. They feel that is too much to ask. So I get upset. And I cry. And I feel hurt. So then I get angry…. it’s craziness….. or is it???

Last night, Shereen pointed out that I am the one choosing to keep myself in that predicament…

A-HA!
EUREKA!

The key word here is CHOOSING. I have a CHOICE. I don’t have to be fiercely loyal to someone who CHOOSES not to give the same in return. I can still be their friend but I don’t have to become so emotionally attached to them that I would give them both my kidneys if they asked for it. I can CHOOSE a different course.

Loyalty is both one of my best and worst traits as a person. I give it when I shouldn’t and don’t always give it where I should. And, I’m not just talking about loyalty to other people. I’m also speaking of loyalty to MYSELF! And I think I have let myself down recently. I got too emotionally attached to see how my own beliefs were being trampled on and I still remained but was just silent about my true feelings on the matter…..

No more. Shereen, honey…. you are my angel today. I love you more than the stuffed pepedews at Whole Foods…..

We all have a wealth of friends. Some friends are the acquaintance type ones…. the ones you have hung out with, went out with, who you see at the bar and catch up for 10 minutes and don’t see again for 3 months.

Then there are the friends friends that you are there for if they need emotional support every once in a blue moon or you share an interest with and go out with for some fun once or twice a month. You go out of your way for them but they really aren’t a part of your every day life…. not because you don’t love them…. but you just aren’t emotionally attached to them that way….

Then, there are your best friends…. these are the ones who could have been a twin seperated from you at birth… you think alike, you act alike, you can finish each other’s sentences, you can tell what the other is thinking from across a room…. you both care for each other beyond normal means. These are the friends that you talk to every day or at least think about every day. These are the ones that bring a tear to your eye when you remember them. These are the ones that would rather cut off their right leg than never talk to you again. These are the ones that would have your back, not just once in a while when it was convenient, but every single mundane day of your life….. and you wouldn’t have it any other way because you feel the exact same way about them….

I have to remember this and categorize accordingly. I have a CHOICE on where I put people in my life. Other people have a CHOICE by how they act in where I put them in my life. And I can’t force someone to be a part of a certain category just because I have been a schmuck and put too much emotion into them. If they don’t want to be a friend friend or a best friend, I can’t make them! I am the dumbass that needs to step back and take note of their feelings and recategorize them where they want to be. It will save me so much hurt and disappointment.

I am so grateful that I have a seriously awesome friend like Shereen, who I consider to be one of my best friends, that is always willing to listen to me whine, even at 1am on a weeknight (she actually answered the phone! Sucker! lol). You are an amazing woman and I love you for making me understand something that I clearly did NOT want to admit or accept. Thank you.

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