I’m soooooo over this….

Posted: November 18, 2010 in Life In General

Really. I just am so over all this drama that keeps getting dredged up and blown WAY out of proportion. I’m done. Completely. Utterly. Done.

I had hoped that it wouldn’t come to this but it has. I am walking away. Completely. All the amazing things in my life are being overshadowed by the misery of losing my best friend and I keep letting people pull me back in. So, I have to do this for me. As selfish as it is, I have to walk away and just be done with it.

Yesterday, I said something that I fully meant and believe in but should not have said to the person I said it to. I realized it right away and told this person I shouldn’t have said it but it didn’t matter. The damage was done. It was repeated and I was scolded repeatedly for it later, which I fully deserved. I apologized and that’s really all I can do about it. When I am am wrong, I am woman enough to recognize that and admit it and apologize.

I do believe that the statements I made were completely taken out of context and don’t take into account the fact that the person I was speaking with had been baiting me continuously for trash on any and everything he could get for an hour or so. It was also blown WAY out of proportion and made to be a much bigger deal than it needed to be. But it was the truth. Period. And I can’t take it back now so I did the only thing I could do and that was to apologize.

But now I am done with it all. I love these people. They were like my family. But they don’t treat me the same way. To them, I am a complete asshole. I am not worthy of their affection or time. I am not worth forgiving for anything, no matter how sorry I am. As an adult, why would I continue to want to be somewhere where no one wants me? They could care fucking less if I am part of their lives or not. I don’t think they have cared for quite some time. They certainly haven’t treated me like they want me around. Why would I continue to re-engage that relationship? I had hoped it would work out in the end. It won’t. They act like they never even knew me at all. And they probably didn’t. Because why would they have a friendship with someone as vile of a human being as me?

I make mistakes. I say stupid shit all the time. But I have come to realize that everyone makes mistakes and does stupid shit. Why am I the only one always apologizing? I am not ALWAYS wrong. I am not ALWAYS to blame for everything. I’m glad that I am the type of person who can see when I am wrong and will admit it and say I’m sorry. Why would I want to have a relationship with someone who can’t or won’t do the same? Why would I have a relationship with someone who hates me so much that they think that’s who I am all the time? A person who is just a complete dick?

This has been so heartbreaking for me. I have cried way more tears than I needed to these last couple of weeks. They don’t cry for me. I am nobody to them. 25 fucking years and I mean nothing to them. Just someone to throw away, to yell at constantly, to constantly criticize, to make a non-factor in their lives. I am nobody.

And, that’s fine. I am at a really good place in every other aspect of my life. My co-workers love and respect me. My real family loves me and is proud of me and is finally close to me. (Even Chelsea…. she called yesterday and buried the hatchet) I have a man who takes care of me and loves me everyday and has been my rock through all this drama. I have real friends who actually like me and know how to talk to me when I am being a stupid jerk without tearing my heart out and stomping on it repeatedly. I am in the best spot I have ever been financially. I have a really good life that is full of positive, happy things.

I don’t need the drama anymore. When other people are miserable, they love to rope you into their misery. I am not buying into that anymore. I was willing to go there because I love them, but I didn’t realize until now that it was a one way street and they didn’t think I was worthy of their kindness. I will now step away and give my time, love, and kindness to those who want that from me…. to those that appreciate that from me…. to those who want to give that to me as well.

I’m over it.

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Comments
  1. Nate says:

    Well u always have me! 😉 keep ur chin up. i know it’s hard to lose friends but u can’t please every1. u and brenda help me thru my drama every day and i love u guys for it. u hav a good heart. don’t let any1 tell u any different. u are not an asshole or a dick. ive seen plenty so i would know. haha!

  2. jbrenda1968 says:

    Oh honey! Nate just got off the phone with me. I’m so sorry to hear your pain today. I know you have been stressing about this but maybe this end result is for the best. You have had so many highs and lows this last 2 weeks. The lows only emanate from one place. Walking away can be the hardest thing to do. I know how much you love your friend and her children and I remember your blogs when they helped you through your divorce and that sad excuse for a boyfriend you had. I know they mean a lot to you. I also know from our convo on Monday that you are very frustrated and hurt. If it isn’t getting better and you feel she won’t forgive you, there is nothing you can do about that. Walking away is better than wallowing. Wallowing gets you no where in life. You know that. It is her choice and right to not be your friend any longer. There is nothing you can do about that. All you can do is take care of your end. You apologized. You did the right thing there. Now leave her be and move on. You’ve had enough. It’s very clear to me. You have so many other blessings that will enrich your life and character. Don’t let this set you back. Move forward and you will be fine. And do not think for one second that you are alone. Just as you have been supportive to us in our EP group and our resident cheerleader, we will remain supportive of you. You have friends here who love you. So cheer up, lady! (I didn’t realize you opened up commenting over here on wordpress so this is great! No more emailing!) Much love – Bren

    • Renee says:

      So, ya’ll talked about me for a good 2 hours, huh? lol! Thanks alot! No, I know you all love me….. well, at least you two do….. it’s alllllll gooooood…… talked to Andy about it a little…… got some rest…. had alot of stupid texts and messages tonight about the issue but I’m just going to do as Brenda said and move on…… it’s tearing me apart inside but I have to do it…. if they had their way, I would just off myself….. I think thats the only way they would be happy at this point….. I’ll always be a fuck up to them…. I love you two! I’m so glad I started the wordpress blog so you all could comment here instead of saving up your “words of wis-doom” for Monday night chats….. lmao!

  3. Hilary says:

    Hey girl! I love you tooooooooo!!!!!!!!! And please don’t “off yourself”. Who would I be able to tease on Mondays if you are gone? Stay for me. 😀 For real-I don’t know what I would have done without your words of wis-doom after my mom died and I will always remember what you told me. You do matter to some people in life. Focus on those people and the ones who do love you and all this drama will fade away. Bye-bye drama! :-*

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