WTF…. really?

Posted: December 13, 2010 in Life In General

D contacted me this weekend. I have now had a couple of days to reflect on how it went down and I feel fine with everything I said and did. I won’t show the whole damn thing because it’s all repeated crap that I have said before but here’s the last interchange between us:

ME: I am not stupid. Joanne has caused nothing between us. What happened between us was between you and I only. She had no influence on that AT ALL. Quit acting like I’m a fucking retard and can’t think for my fucking self.

Don’t turn this around on me. You spent a few days telling me I was a shitty person. I believe you. To you, I was a shitty person. And I haven’t heard from you either. So what the fuck ever. Of course, it’s always up to me, though. I always have to be the one to call you or reach out to you? It doesn’t matter. You’ll never get this. You just keep placing blame and never looking in the mirror.

You don’t have to choose between me and Jim. I never asked you to, that is your perception. It doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t care.

I don’t want to be friends with someone who tears me apart and thinks so bad of me. You don’t deserve to be stuck with a friend you think is selfish. End of story. You chose that because I never felt that way about you. You felt that way about me and bitched at me for 2 days and tore me apart for it. You accept no responsibility for anything you did. You give me no credit for the YEARS of emotional support I have given you or your family. That’s fine. This was your choice all the way…..like I said….. once you started feeling that way about me, it was done.

I have nothing left to say. This is only leading down the “trash Renee” path again and since I am always thinking of only myself, I am thinking I am not going to go through this again. I’m fucking weak and selfish and self absorbed and I don’t want to be degraded and put down for 2 days again. I am not emotionally strong enough to endure it again. I don’t WANT to endure it again. It’s no longer worth it, because I wasn’t worth anything to you.

HER RESPONSE: you know what FUCK YOU!!! poor you…I tolorated your bullshit with your boyfried , your divorce and I have never been there for you, really? I have been there for you throughout it all…and trash you, fuck off…you always tell me how shitty I am in your own little way but yet I have been there, kept my mouth shut to keep the peace.what do you think I AM THE ONE THAT IS STUPID…. i am because I let it go so long….years of emotional support what a fucking joke, but go into your own little poor me world and endure alittle bit longer, since you are always thinking of yourself. Apparently it has never been worth it….You don’t know how I feel about you because you dont listen except to yourself…so yeah I guess I am saying you are a selfish fucking bitch…I can’t believe you….I guess you dont need my support now that you have this perfect world with andy and joanne.. Please don’t endure this 20+ year friendship for 2 more days. I wouldnt want that and your right apparently it is not worth it,…..I am not going to stoop to your level and be like you. I hope you are happy with all the decisions that you made in your life. GOODBYE!!!

P.S. I guess we are no longer friends. Oh and I’d like to wish you a very merry christmas and I guess I am not on the nice list this year!!!!

MY FINAL RESPONSE: I hope you are happy with yours. Good bye.

For the record, I never said once that she had never been there for me. I don’t know where she got that. And, I did care about her issues at that time. In fact, I had just spent a couple of days talking to her about her issues quite intensively. But, you know, God forbid if my feelings get hurt somewhere along the way…. there was no room for dealing with that small issue…. and when I tried to, she blew it WAY out of proportion. I just wanted to let it go.

Previous messages were pointing at another friend causing a rift between me and D and that just isn’t true. Whatever happened between her and the other friend is between those two and is seperate from what happened between me and D but she probably doesn’t know that since the other friend didn’t really tell her that. But that isn’t really my concern. Things she says don’t make any sense to me and are brought up out of the blue. It’s like dealing with Tim all over again. Weird.

Now, before she flipped out, her responses were calm and reasonable. I’m not exactly sure what I said that set her off but I guess it doesn’t matter now, does it? Why would I be a friend to someone who had all that repressed anger towards me? I mean, it’s obvious that she has been “tolerating” me for a long time, right? *sigh* That makes me so sad that she was faking concern when really she was just tolerating me and secretly hated listening to me. I didn’t feel that way about her. 😥

She did approach the conversation saying that she missed me and missed us. I missed her, too. I miss us, too. But, it’s clear that her opinion of me has not changed and she still thinks of me as a problem in her life and not a good person. I can’t continue a friendship with that looming in the background. I just can’t. I thought what me and her shared was special and kind of a secret bond that we would always carry. I am a bit embarrassed for myself that I was so incredibly wrong about that.

I think if I was wrong in my perspective on it, then I would feel more devastated. I am sad, for sure, but I am not devastated…. at least not anymore. I was in the beginning but I’m not now. And, isn’t that what it all comes down to is perspective? Perspective is like opinions…. everyone has them and they can be conflicting…. and if you don’t care enough about the other person to respect theirs then that’s where the indifference comes in….

I was hoping to someday resolve our issues with each other, but that last message she sent me was kind of the knife twister. I’m pretty sure I am dead in that friendship and there is no reincarnation that will happen. What I hate the most about that is that I will miss the kids that I love so dearly growing up. I already have their Christmas gifts bought and will mail them to them, but then that will be it. I owed Gatlin money but after 3 weeks of constant messages from him asking to borrow money, I just gave in and sent him a check. I had planned to do that Saturday anyway after his final attempt on Friday night. So once I mail the Christmas gifts, that will be the end of that….. 😥

It’s always sad when you realize a friendship is done. I just thought this one would be here forever. I thought at some point she would see my side just a little bit and want to apologize but how wrong was I on that? I never imagined that so much damage would be done that SOMEDAY we couldn’t revive it. For my part, I will honestly say this….. I will miss her….. the Deann I knew and loved from way back when, I will miss her…. immensely…. but I guess I already was anyway…..

😦

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Comments
  1. Brenda says:

    I’m so sorry, Renee. I know this is hard for you as I have spoken with you on this a few weeks ago. As I told you then, it’s time to close that chapter. I can tell you that she probably was reacting to your “tone of voice” in your prior message. It was very sarcastic. I know that that is how you are so I am sure she knows that is how you are too if she was your friend for 20 years. So that was probably the wrong place to be sarcastic since she reacted so overwhelmingly rageful.

    Overall, though, I think you need to let this go. I told you that before. I can see that she feels she is right just as you do. It looks like there is alot of hidden anger on her end and hidden hurt on yours. Sometimes, it is best to let go. I know you were eventually hoping for an apology. She is not going to give that to you ever. I can see that pretty clearly myself. And I know you want to stand your ground and not apologize to her and I understand and agree with your reason why. However, she probably will not even entertain being your friend again unless you do apologize.

    Myself, I do not believe you should apologize. I have known you for a year now. I have talked to you extensively about this. You know how I feel, hon.

    Brenda

    PS – If it’s any consolation, I really like who you are and you have never presented yourself as selfish to me. It’s not selfish to have a need for a pat on the back when your feelings are hurt. That’s my “perspective”.

    • Renee says:

      Awwww….. thank you, Brenda! Your next to last line made me tear up a little bit! 😥 I guess I hadn’t even really considered that….. when you get your feelings hurt, it *is* okay to be hurt and expect someone to make you feel better….. you may not always get that, but it’s okay to feel that way….. good thought, Brenda…. so happy I have you in my life! 😀

    • Renee says:

      Oh, and just so you don’t think I ignored it…… even though we did already talk about this in chat tonight earlier…. I realize maybe I shouldn’t have laid on the sarcasm so thick…… BUT ( 😆 )…………. I feel like her reaction to the sarcasm was over the top so now I just don’t care that I was sarcastic…. I would rather have dripping sarcasm than be a raving mad person full of hate and venom…… any day…..

  2. Nate says:

    She said “fuck off”, “fuck you”, “tolerating”, and that you are a “selfish fucking bitch” all in one message! Why are you crying over this mess? STOP IT!

    Your right. Why would you want to be friends with someone who feels that way about you? Cut loose, girlfriend. Cut LOOSE!

    Momma Brenda is right. You need to close the book on that. You have good things happening to you. Focus on that! I am your friend for what? 3 years now? You have never once seemed selfish to me. Whiney? Yea, sometimes you are whiney. Aren’t we all, sometimes? I would hardly call that “thinking of yourself”. I’m whiney all the time! (Shut up, Stephen.) Ha!

    I will go on record RIGHT NOW as saying that you have given me 3 years of “emotional support” and you did that from day ONE! I was a train wreck when you met me! I will also proudly wear a badge saying I have given you 3 years of “emotional support” too. I give you full credit for that and I give me full credit for that! Ha Ha! AND — I did not “tolerate” you during those times at all! I really value your opinions. You are like the most sane and rational girlfriend I have! I love you and even my husband loves you!

    Don’t beat yourself up. Listen to Bren and me and come drink martinis with us to drown the pain on the 20th! Martinis make EVERYTHING go away! HA HA!

    • Renee says:

      Nate, you are my oldest friend here…… I love how you called me “whiney” and yet made me feel all fuzzy good all in one comment box…. *you* are a good friend…. good friends know how to put you in your place but not make you feel like a piece of shit…. I freaking love you for that! And…… I am so happy that you tolerate me because I tolerate you too!!! 😛 Martinis sound AH-MAZING!!! 🙂 Can’t wait!

  3. Hilary says:

    i have nothing to add excet that you shouldn’t be friends with anyone who doesn’t think well of you. btdt. i have no regretes in letting my bad friendship go for the same reasons. live well and prosper! \hil

  4. Rick says:

    Noone has said this yet and maybe thats because I am the only real man in the room but it sounds to me like she’s jealous. Your “perfect world”? what is that about? sounds like bitterness that she isn’t included in your life anymore. that’s how I see it anyways.

    • Nate says:

      OK. I agree with the bitterness thingie so I will forgive you for the whole steroid infused real man comment. You’re just jealous because I dress better than you and my spouse can actually cook. Ooooo buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! 😛

      • Renee says:

        Now, now, boys…… put your cocks away and play nicely…… I did initially get some sense of jealousy, Rick. That’s the only reason I can see why she would bring up this mutual friend when that friend had absolutely nothing to do with any reason why we aren’t talking…. it was really random…. I don’t claim to have a perfect life….. but I intend to surround myself with positive, happy, motivating, and inner beautiful people who love me for who I am and don’t have to fake it or tolerate me….. so I think it will at least be a GOOD LIFE, ya know? (Nate did get you on the burn, Rick….. I am confident you will get him back soon…. he’s kinda wimpy! 😆 )

  5. *~ Ashley ~* says:

    *~ your comfort in my suffering is no longer disturbing
    I’m lost beyond your petty stopwatch in life’s real time ~*

  6. Leigha Marie says:

    I find that it is always better to leave negative forces out of your life. In the long run, it is better for you.

    xxxooo hugs&kisses xxxooo
    Leigha Marie

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