I suck at this…..

Posted: January 18, 2011 in Life In General

Well, it’s been a few days, boys and girls! I haven’t posted anything because it’s that stagnant time of year when no one has anything much going on, right? That kinda sucks…. and it kinda doesn’t….. 🙂

Andy and I are doing well. Yeah…. he still seems periodically disinterested in talking to me about anything in my private life…. I don’t know… maybe I am making excuses for him…. or maybe he really just isn’t as into me as I am him…. who the hell knows…. I’m just riding it out for now…. everything else FEELS like it is going great! But my instincts on men suck… after all, I did have a husband who cheated on me over a 20 year period and most of the time I was like a friggin’ ostrich…. 😛

We are kind of settling into a routine again. I hate it because that means I see so little of him again. I wake up alone, go to work, come home and he’s sleeping, wake him up, spend 30 minutes or so with him, he goes to work, I go to bed and start all over again. 😦 But I knew all that going in so I can’t complain about it. And it’s not something that bothers me tremendously. It’s a routine….. *sigh*

The diet thing…. hmmmm….. well, I am still in my trial and error time frame…. so that’s a relief…. I just wish I could decide what to do this year. I am leaning once again towards low cal mini meals and only eating when I am actually hungry. That’s what I did last year and it worked out well. The only issue I have with it is finding low cal stuff that satifies me. I am a consumate snacker and it’s the super flavorful, salty, crunchy stuff that I crave…. I would like to try to stay as low carb as possible but I know that will be impossible too. Ugh! It’s frustrating… but I am trying it this week… and I am taking suggestions for mini meals! Post here or on my thread at EP because I am shopping this next week to try to plan better. My planning has sucked ass so far….

The kids are doing okay. Chelsea has been freaking out over medical bills and her car. I don’t know what to tell her about the medical bills. I know Tim won’t pay his half. I will pay mine but he won’t pay his and that will fuck her over. I don’t know what to do about that…. he’s under no legal obligation but the bills are coming in her name so it’s an issue…. Her car was acting up but he did go fix that for her. I believe she is paying him back for that. I think he paid for half her rent in December so I will give him credit for that…. Now, if I could somehow get him to pay for the stuff he is legally court ordered to do, that would be a plus! Yeah, I’m not holding my breath…..

Myspace is down tonight and it is driving me crazy. I can’t get anything done there. I don’t do much there anyway, but I got an email that showcases some stuff there and on the sidebar it showed a list of “suggested” people. I’m pretty sure it was random people because some were from California and New Jersey…. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that one of them looks EXACTLY like a character that Andy has in his bag of tricks. I swear it looks just like his get up for that character!

Now, Andy told me that he deleted his myspace account…. the picture in the email is very small so I could be mistaken… but I am pretty sure it’s him…. now, I accidentally deleted the damn email so now I can’t go back and look! But I think they send one to my email and one to my myspace inbox. My first thought was, WTF! Why would he tell me he had no mysace account when he does?


Thhheeeennnnnn I started freaking out because I had those blogs about him as “The Crush” in late summer/early fall last year….. super…. that may explain why he all of a sudden decided to make a move? How embarrassing…. (ok… not really… I don’t really get embarrassed much… I am comfortable being an ass everyday…) So then I frantically tried signing in to myspace to see the email again and I can’t! Grrrr!

Oh well… if that’s what happened then so be it, right? It’s still a HUGE RED FLAG if he’s telling me one thing but another thing is going on… but I can’t worry about the blog. I have never been a private person. I knew full well that anyone could access those blogs. I never named him or anything. I know some of you will ask if I saw him in my “logs”. I used to track every visitor IP address on my blogs…. and I know Brenda is going to be ashamed of me, but I haven’t looked at those damn logs since June 2010 in any real detail… I check them periodically with a quick glance just to be sure the private investigator/homeland security stalker/john’s ex-wife’s boyfriend comes up but that’s it… I really could care less who is reading my stuff anymore… I know… I know….

It could be that “other shoe” I have been waiting to drop on my head or it could be nothing…. Hell, maybe it’s not even him…. maybe I am overreacting…. I have no reason to believe he is anything but genuine and sincere and honest with me other than I saw a teeny picture on a form email from myspace… I should really quit freaking out, huh?

Okay, I am going to lay down now, because the thought of Andy being just like any other loser guy is bringing on a brain aneurysm…. or Bells Palsy…. either way… super… super great…. I need to destress now… shit.

  1. Brenda says:

    Oh dear. You quit looking at your logs? How do you know you aren’t still being stalked? Between you and Nathan, I don’t know who I should worry about more now. 😦

    I wouldn’t worry about Andy and whether he has a myspace account again or not. Does it matter? You are together now. I understand that you have trust issues but sooner or later you will have to trust your gut. I know that you feel it has not served you well in the past. However, I do believe your gut has always served you well, you just chose to ignore it.

    If your gut is correct and it is indeed a rogue account he has set up, there could be an infinite number of reasons for it. Maybe he was using the account to read your blogs. As you stated, you don’t really care if that is the case. Maybe he just wanted to see what all the hullabaloo was about the “new” myspace. Maybe he was looking for co-workers or relatives. Maybe he just enjoyed the content and wanted access to it without the hassle of needing friends. Maybe he set it up a long long time ago before he even contemplated dating you.

    My point is that maybe him having that account is of no real concern to where you are at in your relationship now. Show a little trust, Renee. I know how very hard that is for you. I know you have had many people destroy your trust in the past. This is probably a little thing. Did you ask him about it?


    • Renee says:

      I did mention it to him before he left for work. He said it was probably someone who stole his picture. I found the account. It is his picture. It is weird that someone would steal a picture of someone who is clearly in disguise……. *sigh*

      I know you are right about the trust thing….. I don’t trust anyone, even myself… that sucks….. but I need to have some way to protect myself… I’m sick of being lied to and manipulated in relationships. I don’t deserve it. I am never anything but honest with everyone….. I expect the same in return and I don’t think it is too much to ask…. It’s not really whether this is a big deal or not…. it’s the possibility that I may be wrong again and won’t be able to trust MYSELF. Again…..

      My ex-husband used to lie all the time…. many times the lies were unnecessary little white lies that really didn’t hurt anyone but also weren’t really needed…. that doesn’t mean it’s any less of a lie…. it’s still a lie, even if it’s little…. I want to be able to trust someone 100% again… I really do…. it’s like a dream for me…. to have someone that is willing to love me enough to be truthful with me always…. and I am pretty confident that Andy has that ability…. I wish I could trust myself enough to agree with my own assessment…. 😆

  2. Nate says:

    OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DON’T HAVE BELLS PALSY OR AN ANEURYSM!!!!!!!!!!!! Drama queen. 😛

    I agree that it’s a RED FLAGG! Why would he lie to you about it, tho? Doesn’t make any sense. Hey — just remember I know a guy who knows a guy who can delve into that a little more on myspace if you want to really know. But be careful what you ask for, cuz you may just get it and then regret that you know.

    Have you still not asked your ex for the attorney money? Girl, what are you waiting for? He was court ordered to pay it! And you said yourself that he probably isn’t gonna pay for half the kids’ medical bills cuz he’s under no obligation to! You need to get some balls, hon. Quit being so nice!!!!!!

    LOL!!! Your instincts don’t suck. Your ability to be lazy enough that you do nothing about the instinct is what sucks. I’m not sayin’ you should listen to it now. I’m just sayin’ that you should trust who you are. The only one REALLY looking out for you is YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know that. You’ve told me that! 😛

    • Renee says:

      Ok fine….. I may not have Bells Palsy or a brain aneurysm…. but I am definitely bordering on a sinus headache…. THERE! HAPPY NOW, ASSHOLE!? And apparently the sinus headache has caused my balls to recede into my body and I may need to get help pulling them down and out again. (Eww… the visual made even me cringe! :lol:)

      And you are completely right…… the only person I truly can trust is me…. and I need to quit being a lazy ass…. fuck…… fine…. I get it…..

      • Nate says:

        You are killing me tonight, girl! You know this whole myspace thing isn’t a big deal to you so why are you making it seem like it is? Are you bored or something? Quit it!!!!! This ain’t nuttin’ honey. Remember where you have been. You are past that now. Andy is not anything like the other assholes you have had in your life and he proves that to you time and time again, even when you have doubts. Find a better hobby and call me, chicka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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