Dogs and Self-Acceptance…. have nothing to do with each other….

Posted: February 28, 2011 in Life In General

Well, the meeting of the dogs turned into a complete disaster. Kiana spent most of her time either totally ignoring Petey or trying to bully him. Sunday night, just as the freezing rain started, she went apeshit and tried to attack him for eating food out of her bowl. She just snapped.

Well, after that, Petey was on the offensive and wanted to tear Kiana apart. Petey attitude towards other dogs tends to be: I’m going to get you before you get me, if he perceives a threat is being made. So I had to drive him back to Savanna in about 1/4″ of ice slush. NOT.FUN. 😦

Andy didn’t seem too upset. I’m not upset either. They did pretty good all weekend but I could sense that Kiana was just tolerating Petey being there. She was stand-offish and cold most of the weekend. Petey was really good about the whole thing and I was so so proud of how well he handled being at Andy’s. He went on walks and even pooped on the walks, which he has never done for me before….

So we tried and it didn’t work out. I’m not devastated but I know I will eventually need to find a good home for Petey if I decide to sell the house.

Andy asked me when I was preparing to leave to take Petey home if I was coming back. I said, “Of course, I am, because I am pretty sure this is where I am meant to be”. And he said, “I’m pretty sure of that, too”. Awwwww….. how sweet was that?

Despite the disappointment of the dogs not getting along, that last interchange between us completely sums up the weekend for us, I think. It was just a typical run of the mill weekend. Andy worked. I watched Dexter and generally lounged around his house in pajama pants and tee shirts all weekend. We watched a movie or two, talked alot, cooked together…. just typical couple stuff…. but it felt like we were finally in a groove… we are finally comfortable together…. we finally are on the same page in how we feel about each other…. we can’t imagine being anywhere else but with each other….

It was nice to feel that safe and secure for once in my life…. it has been years and years and years since I have felt that way. Hell, I think the last time I can remember feeling that way was back during Christmas of 1994 actually. Of course, now I know that it was entirely fraudulent and fabricated, but my feelings at the time weren’t even though I didn’t know the facts I should have known… Anyway, it’s so comforting and really heart warming to feel that again. It’s even better to know that I have found that with someone who seems to truly love me and just me….

As I write this all down in black and white, I am kind of getting all teary eyed just thinking about how far my life has come. I’m not perfect. I generally also believe in karma, to an extent. I used to believe that all the bad shit I went through in my marriage was a direct result of me being a complete and total bitch for the first 30 years of my life. I had convinced myself that I deserved it. Reap what you sow… that kind of shit….

Once I found out what the true extent of the violations were that were committed against me and without my knowledge (and I am sure I still don’t know all of it, even to this day…), I slowly but surely came out of the fog and realized how, no matter how bad of a bitch I was, I did not deserve what I was given in return. I was always a good person. My intentions were always good in my life in general. How I went about it wasn’t always the best way…. but I never did anything so terribly malicious that would warrant the atrocities that were committed against me… from anyone… ever…. not just Tim…. my entire life….

So, once I realized that, I started taking care of me again. And, even though it took me a while, I finally found me. The real me. The person I should have always been. And I really love ME. I love the person I have become. I love the no stress, no mess, no nonsense person I am right now. I am comfortable with me…. yeah, I am still insecure about myself and I still feel like a total dumbass alot…. but at the end of the day, I love all that about me.

And ever since I found me and started treating myself right and being true to myself, my life has been amazing! That comfortable-ness that I feel right now with Andrew…. I deserve that and so much more! I can feel it in my bones! I don’t know if I have really ever felt something that just felt so…. right! It gives me all those warm fuzzies inside… not just for Andy but for myself, too.

*sigh* 🙄

I don’t know why I am being all puppy dogs, kittens, and teddy bears today…. for a Monday, that is unusual. But I am happy I am. It’s a good day. 🙂

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Comments
  1. Nate says:

    I LOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE THIS POST!

    I’m sorry it didn’t work out for the doggies but I am luving the way you are feeling! I believe it is a direct result of getting rid of all the riff raff in your life and calming the fuck down!!!!! LOL!!!!! But seriously – You are always so kind and take care of so many of us out here. You are sooooooooooo RIGHT! YOU DESERVE THIS!!!!!! I didn’t know you when you were a “bitch”. The only Renee I know is the kind and loving one that has talked me thru one major life crisis after another for 3 years!!!! Just for putting up with my gay ass, you deserve more than I could ever wish on you!!!! For all the insecure rants and freak outs and overanalyzing of yourself, you are really finding your MOJO lately and I am LUVING it, babe!!!!! YOU FUCKING ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Renee says:

      Awww…. Thanks Nate! I think I have finally found my “mojo”. I’m loving it, too! And I dont think it’s just a fluke because I feel exactly the same way today, too! 🙂

  2. Sarah & Al says:

    So sorry to hear that your dogs didn’t get along but I am very happy to see how well you are taking it. I have never known you to ever be a *itch. Isn’t it funny how life expeiences change you? I didn’t know about your marriage either. Must have been before my time at EP. My first marriage was a soul sapping fiasco so I believe I can somewhat relate. When I met Al, I knew within a month that he was who I was always meant to be with. We click. We mesh. We are one. I’m sure he felt it too, because he proposed within 6 months and married me 3 months after that and we have been inseperable ever since. I hope you have found that kind of love, Renee. Everyone deserves to have someone who loves them. I think life experience tells everyone who they should be. There are just so many idiots out there who don’t listen. It sounds like you listened! Life changing experiences, yes? And it feels so right. I hear you. I’m happy for you.

    • Renee says:

      LMAO! Well…. I don’t think Andy will be proposing to me anytime soon or possibly even in his lifetime…. I don’t count on that at all as he has childhood issues with marriage I would think… but I can definitely feel FOREVER with him… especially lately… forever is a very very real and easy feeling with him right now… he definitely loves me and that definitely makes me very happy. 😀

  3. rick says:

    I really like the dumbass you best. 😛

    Love, King Dumbass

  4. Brenda says:

    Oh, dear. I’m sorry that the dog meet and greet ended badly, Renee! Sometimes, dogs just have a mind of their own and you can’t force the issue. I’m glad it didn’t escalate into and all out fight and you were able to get Petey out of there, even though it meant driving in that nasty mess we had out there!

    I agree with Nate. You really seem to be finding some peace in your life lately. You still have insecurities and minor “freak outs” as Nate called them, but compared to your old blogs from long ago when you were going through your divorce, you are much calmer and happier than I have ever seen you! I think you would agree that being a little insecure is worlds apart from the angry, hurt, and broken person you once were.

    I am so proud of you! I, too, have seen you bloom in the last couple of months. I think your divorce and all the nasty revelations that held and the long held friendships that went awry in such a horrible way and all the inner talks you had with yourself shaped you into such a lovely human being. Many wonderful people in this world were born from strife filled lives. You are no exception to that. Your past shaped you into who you are today. Walking right through the middle of Hell will do that for some people!

    Look at you! You not only survived, but you thrived! As painful as it was to say good bye to your former life and the people in it, it all seems worth it now, I’m sure. Do you know how many people go through their entire lives never knowing themselves fully? Never seeing themselves or accepting themselves for who they really are?

    You are one of the lucky ones, Renee. I’m very happy for you. You sound wonderfully blissful in this post. It makes me smile for you. 🙂

    Bren

    • Renee says:

      Thank you, Bren! I find it amazing to see all the bad things in my past life that have happened to me and then to see where I am today. Hell doesn’t even begin to describe it….

      But, yes, I do feel like I am one of the lucky ones…. Andy and I were just talking about how some people never seem to evolve in their lifetimes… I definitely feel that I have… I learned from my shitty past and it has made me the person I am today… the good, the bad, AND the ugly…lol!

      When I look back on the old blogs from even as soon as a year ago, I barely know that woman anymore. And that’s great because she was a little annoying…. 😉 Who I am now is who I am meant to be and I love that.

      I am happy! 😀

  5. Hilary says:

    🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

    I love you too – puppy dogs, kittens, and teddy bears, and all ofthat mushy stuff!

    Hil

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