True Story….

Posted: March 8, 2011 in Life In General

Nate: So I finally went to get my costume fitted for that cruise ship thing I’m doing. I took Davinity with me so I wouldn’t get lost.

Me: Was the drive that bad?

Nate: Well, Davinity was in a bad mood when we left and made me take a wrong turn right from the start. I swear, I am jinxed when it comes to going anywhere in a car.

Me: I know the feeling. I’m directionally challenged.

Nate: Me too! So Davinity is like screaming at me to make a U-turn except I couldn’t make a U-turn on the one way street she sent me down. I swear she was PMSing, but she denied it of course. Because, of course, I am just stupid and don’t know how to drive. So after 5 minutes of bitching, I finally was able to get back on track.

Me: Well, that’s good! So how did the fitting go?

Nate: Fine, but I was all flustered when I went in because Davinity kept saying “we’re here! we’re here!” when we pulled up to the seamstress’ home. Like she was 8 or something. Puh-leese. Take a chill pill, honey.

Me: *laughing* You know, she was doing you a favor by going along….

Nate: Well, I dragged her boxy ass with me so she should be thanking me! I could have left her at home, skank.

Me: Nice, Nate…

Nate: Well? I do not need some naggy bitch stressing me out. I would have called my mother while I drove there if I wanted that….

Me: Okaaaayyy…..

Nate: Aaaanyway…. the fitting went fine and the dress is fabulouso. I just hope the slit isn’t too high in back or everyone will be able to see my flabby butt.

Me: Well, what did Davinity say?

Nate: Nothing.

Me: Okaaay. Did you ask her what she thought? I mean, she was right there!

Nate: No. I left her in the car. Why would I ask her what she thought?

Me: You left her in the car? What is your problem? Are you PMSing?

Nate: Look, she was only allowed to come with in order to get me where I was going. Besides, I was sick of her damn voice by the time we got there.

Me: Wow. Remind me never to go anywhere with you in a car.

Nate: Well, it was a decent neighborhood. It’s not like I was in the ghetto where she might be taken….

Me: Um. Yeah. But still. It was kinda rude.

Nate: Whatever. She’s not fuckable by any means anyway….

Me: Niiice…. so as long as I’m not fuckable, it’s okay to leave me in a seedy part of town where I could be kidnapped by an evil clown serial killer or a cult of sex crazed midgets to be turned into a sex slave and live in a hole in their cellar. You’re a good friend.

Nate: Ha ha! But, of course! But see, I would never do that to you because you ARE fuckable!

Me: Awww…. are you hitting on me?

Nate: GASP! Of course I am!

Me: I knew I could turn you.

Nate: Yeah… you’re good. *laughing*

Me: So what did you do after the fitting? I assume Davinity was still waiting in the car…

Nate: Of course she was. Where else would she be?

Me: *

Nate: I stopped and got a take out order from the Peach Valley. The Veggie Croissant Benedict plate is to die for!

Me: Oh. Davinity eat?

Nate: Why would she eat?

Me: *

Nate: Oh! When we left the cafe, Davinity almost got us killed when she insisted on going down a one way! I mean, WTF? I brought her along to help me, not get me killed by having a semi run over me! I was so glad when we got home. I threw that bitch in the closet and ate my fabo meal on the balcony.

Me: You what?

Nate: I ate on the balcony…. it was really nice out today…

Me: You threw her in a closet?

Nate: Yeah.

Me: *

Me: Um.

Nate: WHAT?

Me: Is she still IN the closet?

Nate: Well, I hope so. Otherwise, that means I have a home intruder and I need to get Stephen’s golf clubs out before the midgets come and get me.

Me: Nate?

Nate: Yeah…

Me: Davinity?

Nate: Yeah….

Me: You have her in a closet in your house?

Nate: *getting frustrated now* Yeah!

Me: *

Nate: You know Davinity is my GPS, right?

OMFG!!!! Seriously? I had a 10 minute conversation about a GPS that Nate talked about as if it was a real person and he didn’t get it? WTF!

I need new, more sane friends….

(This was almost a word for word conversation I had with Nate tonight…. I left out the parts where he was groaning and bitching about his left testicle hurting him…. because I got sick of his whiny ass….)

  1. Nate says:

    OOOOO NO U DIN’T!!!!!!

    She also left out the part where she bitched about her arm. You guys all know about the arm, right? I know you all do because she is a whiny ass beeotch about it!!!!!!!!

    For the record, I believe in DAVINITY. She may be an annoying hobag but she is WAAAAYYYY helpful! I would have ended up in someone’s torture chamber cellar room if I didn’t have her. LUUUUVVVSSSS ME SOME, DAVINITY!!!!!

    😛 😛 😛

  2. Thomas says:


  3. Hilary says:

    O-M-G. I would have killed him, Renee! You are a better woman than me!

  4. Brenda says:

    Nate, Nate, Nate. What are we going to do with you? LOL!

  5. rick says:

    real men don’t use GPS systems and don’t ask directions. so I guess that’s why Nate has Davinity. Just sayin’.

  6. Hilary says:

    Whoa. Wait. Nate is going on a cruise? Whaaat?!

    • Nate says:

      O yea. You weren’t in that chat a few weeks ago, Hil. I got a gig on a Carnival Cruise Ship in May! It’s a gay singles cruise trip to Cozumel (i think that’s it). Stephen is coming with so no boy toys for me. 😦

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