I am (INSERT F’ED UP FEELING HERE)

Posted: April 2, 2011 in Awkward, Boys Suck!, I am an Emotional Trainwreck., I Suck at Life, Patience is a Virtue

I really don’t know what to say right now. I am feeling…. sick. frustrated. neglected. misunderstood. tossed aside. insignificant. sad. mad. scared. vulnerable. i don’t know.

Tonight, I asked Andy what he was doing in his office. That this was the second night in a row that he wasn’t spending any time with me. Was everything okay between us?

I’m big on communication. Duh. Everyone knows that about me. I talk alot. I overanalyze alot. I am careful and cautious. I feel that being able to tell someone I love my true feelings without feeling like a bitch is what is best for long term relationships. No secrets. Nothing in the dark. That’s who I am. I am very very open.

His response to me was that he was SICK of feeling like if he spent more than 30 minutes in his office when I am here that he is feeling guilty. Oh… and this was after he rolled his eyes and clammed up and almost didn’t tell me that. I had to prod him to finish his sentence. Can’t we just communicate and talk without acting like we are being attacked? Because that is not what I was doing AT ALL.

I didn’t say anything in response. I didn’t storm off. I didn’t do anything bad or insane. I felt like crying but I didn’t. I just slowly walked away and continued watching my movie alone. He went back to his office.

What I wanted to say was… SICK? You are SICK of feeling that way? I have not said ANYTHING about this until now… I just spent Friday and Saturday night at my boyfriend’s house WITHOUT my boyfriend spending any time with me. I don’t think I am crazy for thinking that sucks. I don’t know how you could possibly be SICK of something that has not been an issue until now…

And I wasn’t trying to make him feel guilty for Christ’s sake. He once told me that if things were in the downswing for us that he would distance himself from me. I just wanted to be sure that isn’t what he was doing. I asked him if WE were okay. I didn’t say that I needed him to spend time with me, although I would have liked that, but that isn’t what I asked. I just wanted to make sure WE as a couple were okay and that he wasn’t trying to distance himself from me.

FUCK!!!

I just had a conversation with James on Friday about finding the right girl. He has been lonely and keeps calling his ex-non-girlfriend for company. He knows she’s not THE ONE. I told him that he will know when he has found the right one because he won’t get sick of THE ONE. He will want to spend alot of time with THE ONE. He will think that THE ONE is his best friend ever… Now I am starting to think that Andy doesn’t think that about me. And how fair is that for him? What if I’m not the right one for him in his eyes?

I wasn’t just asking him if we were okay out of the blue… it seems like lately I am always the one saying really sweet things to him and he never says anything back to me. As a result, I feel less inclined to keep saying those things to him. I told him this today after telling him he was my favorite person in the whole world and he had absolutely no response. Just silence. He still didn’t say anything after I told him that.

And it’s not like he doesn’t know how to say anything sweet. He used to all the time. It’s not like we are a married couple with 10 years under our belts… We have only been in this relationship for 6 months… My heart still drops into my stomach everytime he kisses me. I don’t think he feels the same about me anymore. If he does, he never gives any indication of that. 😦

He gave me a kiss and went to work. We did not talk at all after he said he was SICK of feling guilty. He left. He didn’t say I love you. He just kissed me and left.

I know I am super insecure. I know Andy has pretty much no experience with a long term relationship. I am starting to wonder if he can handle being with anyone long term. I don’t think he feels that I am worth the effort it may take on his part to work as a partner in this relationship.

Or maybe I’m just not his ONE. Maybe he doesn’t like me enough. Not love… I believe you actually have to LIKE the person you are in love with to be successful in the long term. They should be your best friend. They should be your favorite person in the whole wide world…

Maybe I am just too sappy and cheesy. He is more analytical about it all. But I want and believe in passion and butterflies in your stomach and feeling like you are part of someone’s soul and knowing every curve on your lover’s body and looking into someone’s eyes and not even having to speak. I totally believe in all of that. I don’t care if I’m too old for that. I don’t care if it’s unrealistic. I know it exists. I feel that way about Andy. I just don’t think he feels that way about me. And maybe he can’t. Maybe he doesn’t even want to. I don’t know.

I love him. I really really love him. But I’m scared.

Maybe he doesn’t really love me…

This could be the beginning of the end…

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Comments
  1. Nate says:

    ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!! I AM TRYING TO CALL YOU!!!

  2. Nate says:

    FINE. DON’T ANSWER THEN!!!!

    Look, I know what your intentions were. I’m sorry he took them the wrong way. Don’t beat yourself up. You are an AH-MAZING woman. He should feel lucky to have you.

    I’m sure he will think about it at work and come home and make up with you. Quit being a stupid insecure GIRL!!!! You ARE worth loving, Renee! You didn’t do anything wrong. He just misunderstood where you were coming from!

    I LUV YOU!!!

    • Renee says:

      Sorry I didn’t answer the calls Nate. I just haven’t felt well since Thursday and I think it’s catching up with me. And… I just don’t feel like talking right now… 😦

      I doubt very much that he will come home and make up with me. Actually, I think he’s probably really mad at me….

      I’m sorry. I’m just feeling sorry for myself right now. Ugh! I hate this!

      I love you, Naters.

  3. Brenda says:

    Nate called me because he couldn’t get you to answer the phone so I figured I would come over here and see what was up. I know you are feeling ill and probably just don’t want to talk to anyone right now. You sound depressed and I can see why.

    Renee, don’t let this get you down. It’s not something that can’t be worked out, dear. Give it a couple of days and see how things go. Don’t think doom and gloom just yet. Andy has surprised you in the past and he may do just that again.

    Communication means different things to different people. Andy isn’t used to having deep talks with significant others. That is probably why he took your question as a hostile question. He just isn’t used to being confronted with topics that need to be discussed. He thought you were attacking him but you were just making sure things were okay. I see what you meant by it, but try putting yourself in his shoes, given his life experience. I guess I am trying to say that you need to give him a break. He also needs to give you a break and see you as you really are.

    I know you are in love with this man. I can’t say what his perspective is. Many times in love, you are risking yourself. You know this. You spent 20+ years risking your heart and you lost that battle. I understand why you are so cautious and eager to clear up any issues immediately. You knew from the beginning that you may be taking a risk with Andy as well for entirely different reasons. You knew this. We discussed it.

    I know that doesn’t make this current situation feel any better. I guess I can’t really say whether your fears are right or wrong. What I do want you to consider: is Andy worth the risk of waiting to see and find out? I’m pretty sure your answer will be YES. So be patient, dear. Let him figure this out for himself a little without you interfering. Hopefully, he will realize that he misunderstood your intentions and improve his response to you.

    All I know about Andy is what you have shared with us but I would think that he would not want to risk losing YOU over something so trivial. He sounds like a very smart man. I’m sure he knows that communication is a key to good relationships. He just has no experience doing it. Give him some time and see if he comes around.

    We are here for you, Renee. Call me if you need some motherly advice, dear.

    • Renee says:

      Don’t you get tired of me telling you that you’re right all the damn time? πŸ˜†

      I do love him, Bren. He is worth the risk to me. It scares me to think I may not be worth the risk to him, but he is worth the risk to me.

      I will give it a few days and see what happens. I just don’t want to compromise what is important to me. I don’t want him to want me to compromise what is important to me. I want him to want the same things as me. Does that make sense?

      Ish… I am just talking out of my ass now… I’m going to bed again… I think the cold medicine is messing with my head now….

      I love you, Bren, and thanks for taking care of me. It’s times like these, when I am so confused, that I often miss my mom… you make that less painful, Bren. Thank you.

  4. Hilary says:

    Wow. Dude. Were you the bitch ho that stole my man from me? Cuz your man sounds just like that ungrateful, selfish prick! BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! πŸ˜†

    I’m just teasin’ ya, girlie! I hope today everything got better for ya! Boys suck sometimes. But sometimes we gotta put up with some weird bullshit. That doesn’t mean you are not worthy, tho, so don’t say that again! Like Naters said, Andy is lucky to have YOU. And I’m not just some joe blow stranger. I actually KNOW YOU and still feel that way! LMAO! πŸ˜†

    Love ya, girl! Feel better!

  5. rick says:

    give the guy a break. I see how he probably overreacted to a simple question but he’s not used to all this feelings crap and he seems to not understand that women sometimes need coddling and reassurance. (bring on the hate mail, ladies!) you said yourself that he has no experience dealing with a long term relationship and certainly not women long term. he’s a non-emotional guy stuck with the most emotional chick I know! 😯 Yea, I’m talkin’ about you, hun. lol! He overreacted. I’m sure he is being a sweetheart again today. That’s the thing about acting like an ass. Even when you think you are in the right, the whole acting like an ass thing still creeps up on you and makes you feel like an apology is all that you can do to correct it.

    • Renee says:

      No hate mail here. I am woman enough to admit that I need reassurance and coddling (which I had to look up, tyvm). But wait…. I’m really the most emotional chick you know? I don’t know whether to be proud or sad… πŸ˜†

      He didn’t apologize. I don’t really know if he could do that anyway. I’m sure he believes he was right so apologizing would be inappropriate…. but he has been coddling me. I’ll say more later. I’ll post again in a new blog after he leaves for work. But he does seem to be acting better today. No indication as to WHY though but I take what I can get, right?

  6. Sarah & Al says:

    Oh dear, Renee. I’m so sorry you had such a bad couple of days. And you are sick on top of it? (((HUGS)))

    Al says he will come to his senses and beg forgiveness. lol. Al is a much more emotionally connected man than Andy is, I believe. lol. I say that he probably already knows he messed up. He’ll come around. Like Brenda said, give him a few days to try to redeem himself and see if the lines of communication can be opened. You already said he is worth that so give him the chance to make this up to you and show you how he truly feels about you.

    I hope that he feels the way you want him to. More importantly, I hope you can be happy because at the end of the day, that has been what your journey over the last 3 years or so has been about, right? I guess what I am trying subtly to get at is DON’T SETTLE! You are worthy.

    • Renee says:

      Thanks for reminding me, Sarah. You are right. I don’t want to settle. I really love Andy but I can’t have a one sided relationship. That’s what it feels like. It feels like I love him WAY more than he loves me…. I don’t want that. I get what you are saying. I will try to remain true to me. Thanks!

  7. Ashleigh says:

    Sorry you are sick, Renee! Get well soon! πŸ™‚

  8. Nate says:

    WHERE ARE YOU???? I have been looking for you all day and of course you are not answering phone calls AGAIN!!!!! HOBAG!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Renee says:

      Hey douche. I am posting a new blog after 11pm and then I will call you. I’ve been sleeping and watching movies most of the day because I am SICK! Like in a big way SICK! Ass….

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