Lame Blog Post Title Because I am Too Sick to Think Straight: Update

Posted: April 3, 2011 in Awkward, Blogging to Blog, Boys Suck!, I am an Emotional Trainwreck., I Suck at Life, Insanity is my Defense

What a shitty day. I have been sick all damn day… stuffed up, achy, red sore nose… ick… the weather is changing from one extreme to another and it is KILLING my sinus passages. It was almost 80 degrees out today, and now, tomorrow it will only get up to 47 degrees. WTF. I am never going to get through this…

I am calmer today. Andy came home from work and immediately went into his office with food. I was still laying in bed. Normally, he would come back and change and see if I was really awake. He didn’t do that today. I laid there for another 20-30 minutes and decided to get up. I had to make coffee because he hadn’t done it, and normally he would have… I don’t know.. it wasn’t looking good.

Anyway, so I get up, pee, and go into the spare room where I keep my clothes to find a tee shirt to wear. He immediately gets up and comes in behind me and put his arms around me… 😯

So he was very loving and attentive for the next couple of hours until he got sleepy. For the first time in like a month, he said he loved me first without me saying it… I don’t know… maybe he felt bad? I can’t imagine that was it… He didn’t apologize or even mention anything about the previous conversation we had… I imagine that he still feels the exact same way and he’s just sweeping it under the rug and hoping it will be forgotten?

So he slept all day and night. I woke him up at 9:45pm. We talked in the kitchen for about 10 or 15 minutes. He took a shower. He made himself food for work. He checked his FB and email for 20 minutes. He left for work.

So let’s see… I spent all weekend here and I spent every single evening alone for the most part. I’m really not upset about that, but I’m just trying to make a point… that’s not normal for most couples, right? Okay, maybe it would be okay for couples that don’t really like each other very much but I am pretty sure we like each other… πŸ™„


Okay… Well… Like I said… I’m not really too concerned about him not spending time with me. What bothers me is that he just assumes it’s okay and that he doesn’t have to acknowledge me… *sigh*… I should just let this go, huh? I am too sick to fight for it right now… πŸ˜†

It felt really good to hear him say he loves me without me prompting it, though… it makes me feel like he means it… like he’s genuine… like I am worth it to him… So that’s good. Geez… I just reread that… I am pathetic…

Why oh why am I putting so much emphasis on him loving me? I remember back before he even made a move on me and we were just friends and I had decided that I didn’t want to lose the friendship so I was going to just remain friends and not tell him how I felt… I decided that it was okay for me to love and care for him, even if he didn’t feel the same way about me… as long as he was happy.

I still feel the same way… I mean, I would HATE if he were with me and weren’t truly in love with me. I don’t want him to waste his life away with me, ya know? Not if he doesn’t feel it… But I feel kind of lame depending on his love to make me happy. But then again… isn’t that what couples, real couples, do for each other? They depend on the other one to love and care for them above and beyond what anyone normally would…?

πŸ˜† I am being all deep and philosophical and I totally am so not into it. πŸ˜†

Okay, well, I really just wanted to update here since I had that long rambling post last night… now I have a whole new rambling post for today! Super.

Quick summary: he came home and pretended like nothing happened but he was very loving and attentive, which made me feel GREAT but I still haven’t really seen much of him and now we are starting another regular work week for me. 😦 And the whole communication issue still isn’t really resolved…

Oh well. My hope is that this good vibe continues and that he genuinely feels this way about me and doesn’t just feel obligated. I still love him more than anything and I almost died tonight when he gave me a short shoulder massage… πŸ˜‰

It’s all good for now… We’ll see how the week progresses…

(Nate, I am calling you now, bitch.)

  1. Renee says:

    I didn’t think it was possible but this post is even more incomprehensible and flighty than last night’s post… lame.

  2. Nate says:

    GO TO BED!!! You are in no condition to be online!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Nate says:

    And, of course he LUVS YOU!!!!!!! YOU ARE FUCKING AWESOME!!!!! Don’t ever doubt that. I don’t lie, huney!!!!

  4. Renee says:

    Ok. ok. But first, let me say this:

    My concern is NOT about spending time together. As I said yesterday, I love spending time together and I wish he would just say something when he needs time and space to himself. I am okay with that as long as he is open and honest with his communication.

    That’s my real concern: communication. Problems are being ignored or swept under the rug and not acknowledged and I am worried that they will keep popping up periodically or that he will build a bitter resentment towards me for it but not tell me. I would rather him communicate something to me that I don’t want to hear than to not hear it at all. I want him to be happy. I spent 20+ years with someone who told me practically every day for the last 10 years how unhappy he was but not addressing the things that made him unhappy. I do not want to relive that nightmare.

    Ok. That’s it. I swear. I’m going to bed now…

  5. Hilary says:

    I know you say that spending time together isn’t your big issue, but it really should be at some point, girl. You were there 3 days and you barely spent any time with him? I don’t care what shift he works. That’s not good. It’s not normal. I’m just being honest with you, because you have always been honest with me. Love you!

    • Renee says:

      Well, you do have to take into account his third shift work status because that can really screw up your regular life timing. I worked thirds for a couple of years and I know how that can really make things screwy… That’s why I cut him so much slack on that….

  6. Brenda says:

    Well, he isn’t still mad at you then. That’s good. It sounds as if he is trying to redeem himself. I do think you are overanalyzing the situation. It doesn’t have to be this complicated.

    I understand about your past and your history. I agree that you should and have learned from your past. Just don’t push it too much on Andy. I understand not wanting to relive the past. Have you talked to Andy about this? Does he know what you lived through previously? Maybe explaining that would help him to understand why you need such an open line of communication. Maybe he doesn’t get it.

    I’m sorry you are so sick. The weather changes have definitely taken their toll in my household as well. My daughter’s fiance was telling me that barometric pressure changes are what reek havoc with sinuses in the spring and fall. Hopefully, the weather will stabilize by next week. Hope you are feeling better today!


    • Renee says:

      Damn the barometric pressure!!!!! πŸ˜†

      Maybe I am overanalyzing… (gasp! me? overanalyze? Noooo! πŸ˜† )

      I’m pretty sure he knows my history but he probably doesn’t put alot of emphasis on that being my motivations for certain things. He doesn’t believe in making decisions and choices based on emotion, I don’t think. That doesn’t make it right… I’m just saying that he doesn’t. Period. So it probably doesn’t occur to him that my previous traumas shape my choices today. He should… but, eh… he probably doesn’t…

  7. rick says:

    wait. he spent more time online checking his shit than he spent with you? thats kind of fucked up. Im just calling it like I see it.

  8. Sarah & Al says:

    So sorry to hear you are sick, Renee! 😦 I hope you are feeling better today!

    I think communication is very important in a relationship so your on the right path I believe. He’s just not used to it. It does sound like he wants to work on it. He wouldn’t have been so loving if he didn’t.

    Please don’t doubt love. If he tells you that he loves you, believe him. He is not the type of man who would say something he doesn’t mean. If he didn’t love you, he just wouldn’t say it.

    • Renee says:

      So true, Sarah… great point. Andy never says anything he doesn’t mean. So I definitely should believe him when he says something…

Say what you mean, Mean what you say...

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