Oh, cry me a river already!

Posted: April 19, 2011 in Awkward, I am an Emotional Trainwreck., I Suck at Life, You can't pick your family

Yesterday, I went to the gas station and my former mother-in-law was there. I was running late so I didn’t stop to chat with her. I think she may have felt I was blowing her off but I wasn’t. Anyway…

After I saw her, I went home and fugly cried like a baby in the fetal position on my office floor. Now that I am sane again, I can look back and realize that seeing my mom in that video the day before probably had a little something to do with it. I think when my mom died is when I became really close with my former mother-in-law.

Then, of course, I had the audacity to divorce her son, who had cheated on me almost the entire 20 years we were married. She is very religious and doesn’t believe in divorce. She even came to me after I split with her son to tell me that and make sure I knew that. 😐

After my ex’s 2nd major affair (don’t say it…), I stayed with him mostly because I could NOT lose the only family I really had. It was only a year after my mom had died and my own family is a pretty disconnected bunch. I *needed* my husband’s family. They were my world. I loved each and every one of them dearly, but especially my mother-in-law.

It is all so clear to me now… that’s what a mid-life crisis followed by some therapy does for you! 😆 But I didn’t realize at the time that that was what I was doing. But it was. I threw all my energy into my ex-husband’s family. They were my rock. They made me feel good about myself when I really just wanted to die. I went out of my way to pull each and every one of that family closer in to us. I deeply cared for all of them and really made a big deal out of “family” being so very important.

Then I went and fucked it all up. 😐 Yep. And, despite whatever I had to endure secretly, despite all my very real feelings for all of them, they all went away when I would not take my ex back. Well, I did take him back… but by that time, he was crazy and still pathologically lying and was a little scary and dangerous, which I have physical proof of at my own daughter’s urging. 😦

At the end of the day, it didn’t matter what I ever did for that family or what I had to live through to stay in the family. All that mattered is that I gave up. I started a relationship while I was seperated, so I was also a cheater. It didn’t matter that WHILE he was married to me and sleeping in the same bed as me he had SEVERAL relationships and one night stands. All that mattered was that I was bad.

My mother-in-law had filled a void for me where my own mother had once been. I really loved and respected my mother-in-law. Yesterday, I finally realized that I no longer have a mom. Of any kind. Period. And that kind of sucks. Hard. 😥

I’m okay today. Not so much yesterday. But today I am good. It is what it is. I can’t change anything about it now. I have never treated any of my ex-family differently than I normally would. Well, until yesterday… But my ex-brothers-in-law still occasionally stop in and borrow shit. I am still friendly with one of my ex-sisters-in-law and like to keep up with what she is doing in life. I wish my mother-in-law was warmer to me and wanted to talk to me, but you don’t always get what you want in life, right?

I am lucky. Yes, my own family is pretty scattered and disconnected. But I love them and I am closer to my dad than I have ever been in my whole life. I don’t have a mom but I have amazing friends who tell me the truth and help guide me when I am out of my mind. I have fucked up kids just like everyone else I know, but they are my kids and I love them dearly and I know they have my back… well, Chelsea does… 😆

Anyway… what I’m *trying* to say is that it is truly a sad thing that I lost my ex-family. It is very depressing in fact. BUT, I am blessed with an improved inner family who all have MY best interests at heart. I also never would have found ME… the real ME… if I had not done what I needed to do, which was to put ME first for once in my damn life. And that makes me happy. 😀

Glass half full, people! Glass half FULL!

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Comments
  1. Nate says:

    Awe! Sorry you are missing your mom and then had to run into an ex-mom! 😦 I wondered why you didn’t stay in chat very long last night!

    I remember talking to you the night that whole religious divorce talk went down. I still think you should have told her all the “new” info you had found out at that point, but I understand you not wanting to stoop to low levels to make your point. Still. I would have tattled fer shore!!!!

    No worries, huney!!!! Real family always wants what’s best for YOU, not their hidden religious agenda. I got you on that one.

    You have always been an awesome person. You were awesome 3+ year ago when I met you and you are even more awesome now!!!! LUVS U!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Renee says:

      Thanks Naters. I really don’t think they would have believed the new info, regardless of how reliable the sources were, so it would have just seemed like pettiness on my part. That’s why I didn’t tell her about it. I mean, I care for her. I didn’t want to hurt her any more than I had to.

      Love you, too!

  2. K'nesha says:

    I read your profile on EP and I am blown away at how many years you were in such a bad place! I would have bailed after the first ho! You are a better woman than me! lol!

    When I first found EP and joined the DS group, I read all the old posts. You are one tough cookie and one of the reasons why I chose to be a part of that group. It took courage to do what you did so don’t be frowning!

    Sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do so you don’t kill a bunch of MFrs! Living in certain situations can make you homicidal!

  3. rick says:

    well shit. that sucks. quit beating yourself up over it. it sounds like he lost you after fuck up #2 and you stuck it out as long as you could. you tried. it didn’t work out. end of story. it sucks to lose your family like that but they weren’t really your family if the abandoned you right away. your real family sticks around during the hard times. know what I mean?

    • Renee says:

      Yes I do, Rick. But I don’t fault them. They did what they thought they should do. I don’t agree with it but I understand it. It’s just a difference in opinion is all. My ex-brothers-in-law did not take the same stance and have always remained friendly. So I guess it all balances out in the end! 🙂

  4. Brenda says:

    Oh, Renee. I am so sorry seeing your ex-MIL triggered such bad feelings for you! I wish you had reached out and called me! You know you can do that anytime!

    I am glad you are okay now and have taken the glass half full approach. You ARE blessed with a family who loves you (even if they drive you nuts) and friends who adore you (even if the drive you even more nuts) and a wonderful boyfriend who loves you as well.

    I was younger than you and not married as long to my first husband but I also lost a very large close knit family when I divorced him. His sister was my best friend and she has never spoke to me again. It’s all very sad.

    Everyone makes choices when a divorce happens. The only choice you have is your own. That is the only one you control. You make choices as best you can and hope they are right. If you can look in the mirror and feel okay with your choices, you are doing pretty good.

    You have come a long way just since I have known you. Don’t let this set you back. You have done incredibly well on a personal emotional well being level. You should be very proud of yourself. No one else has to agree with that. The only one who matters at the end of the day is YOU.

    Bren

    • Renee says:

      So so sooooooo true, Bren! I don’t feel great about all the choices I made, but I do feel great about where I ended up. And I have never faltered in my feeling of importance of family and how I treat them, even the ex-family. They are the ones who chose to treat me differently. I am so glad I made the right choice on THAT.

      In my 40 years of living, I have never felt as in tune with my inner self as I am right now! So I must be doing something right! 😉

      Thank you.

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