Okay. Well… As soon as I posted my last post, my boyfriend finally decided to come out of the woodwork and alleviate some of my batshit craziness. I think my last email to him probably scared him and he thought I might be losing my mind so he tried to intervene in the most subtle way possible. Then, like 3 hours later, he realized I really was losing my fucking mind completely and he made a stronger plea. πŸ™„

So I’m all good with the boyfriend for now.

I’m still not okay with my father. It got worse in fact. We ended up getting in a big fight and I wouldn’t talk to him for 2 days. We mended things because I knew we still had over a week here, he is paying for everything, and despite being a complete and utterly clueless asshole, he does mean well… so I did what I needed to in order to make the rest of the trip go well. This will be the last time I EVER travel with him, though. I don’t care if he’s paying for a trip around the world. I will NOT travel with him ever again.

I knew we had these issues going in to the trip. We have been unable to be together in one room for more than 24 hours since I was 14 years old. Nothing has changed except now he is more clingy. Some of the things he did to me this last week were very reminiscent of Tim, which is a very bad thing. Some things he has done are just plain morally wrong in my book even though these are ingrained beliefs to him.

Oh… and the one trait he shares with Tim that is the most frustrating thing EVER? He does not LISTEN to what I am telling him. He hears what he wants to hear and then twists it to what he wants to believe. So that basically makes it seem like I mean something I never meant to say and don’t even remotely believe in. And once he changes it in his mind, it’s like stone. He mostly doesn’t even understand why I am really mad at him because he refuses to listen to what I am saying to him. I told him why I was upset but he clearly thinks it’s for some other reason which he totally fabricated in his mind. VERY FRUSTRATING! To me that is very disrespectful to invalidate my real feelings and thoughts that way PLUS it is lunacy… pure insanity and delusional thinking.

I can’t handle that. So after this trip, we are going back to the once or twice a year visits and that’s it. He loves me and I love him and we have a pretty tight bond but we are two different people entirely. And I REFUSE to have someone in my life regularly who wants to invalidate my feelings entirely. I have a right to feel. I got rid of a husband and a best friend over this same business. I HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL!

Still haven’t had a cigarette, mostly because I don’t know enough italian to bum one off a local. πŸ™„ And I can never find those fucking vending machines when I need one. Whoever said it gets easier if you can make it past the first week or two was dead fucking wrong. I have the urge to smoke CONSTANTLY!

I finally was able to find diet soda and it only comes caffeinated. πŸ˜‰ They don’t have Diet Pepsi… and they don’t have Diet Coke either but they do have Coca Cola Light, which is essentially the same thing… They also don’t use any ice in anything here which is extremely odd and frustrating because I use ice very liberally in the U.S. You don’t realize how much you miss something until it is completely gone! πŸ˜†

I have a week today left and I am actually counting down the days until I come home. I miss Andrew more than I ever thought I would. He really grounds me and I need that when life gets very crazy. Plus, did I mention that my father NEVER shuts up? He talks constantly… being quiet is not on his radar. He must talk to himself when he is alone at home… Anyway, Andy and I actually live a very quiet, quiet life. The noise we have in our lives together is very deliberate: TV is for movies, music we actually pick and choose, talking together. Most people have background noise always, like a TV that is always on or a radio in your car going non-stop. We don’t have that. Every noise in our lives is deliberate and there is alot of peaceful quietness in it. It is very jarring having someone talk CONSTANTLY all of a sudden. Maybe it’s some kind of insecurity on his part?

Anyway… I will finally be back stateside and without a DNA connected male attached to my hip next Sunday. Can’t wait!

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Say what you mean, Mean what you say...

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