Well, boys and girls, today is my day of coming clean. 😈 My apologies but this is going to be a long one… I’ve been working on it for 2 weeks now!

First of all, let me just say that I love you all. 😆 (That should make you forgive me immediately!) What I have done was not a reflection of how much any of you do or do not mean to me. I have been keeping a secret from you but I have good reasons! Reeeeaaaalllyyyyy…….

So.

I am pregnant.

😀

(Insert gasps, sighs, eye rolls, swear words, and general disdain here… fucking haters… 😡 )

Now that the cat is OUT of the bag. I do have more than a few things to say…

First and foremost, Andrew and I are FREAKING ECSTATIC about this! You can hate all you want. You can have your own judgmental opinion. You can think anything you want. But we are extremely HAPPY and EXCITED about this new yet rather scary chapter in our lives. We love each other very much and this is something GOOD to us. It feels more than right. That said… your opinion no longer matters… WORD!

Second, this was NOT an accident. I am 41 years old. I kind of know what having unprotected sex can lead to. 🙄 I’m not stupid. I have been asked this multiple times by lab techs, doctors, nurses, etc. I’ll explain it this way: Andrew and I were not actively planning for it but we weren’t preventing it and did previously discuss our feelings on the matter with each other. My original plan that I started to put into action in early May was to get the Italy trip done, come home, make an appointment with a OB-GYN that specialized in older moms, and then start really discussing TRYING to have a baby together. That was *my* plan anyway… (I hadn’t really discussed all this yet with Andrew) 😆

Andy has never had children. He’s 42 this year. I knew he would like to have a child but wasn’t counting on it. I love him deeply. I wanted to give that to him if I could. I knew the odds were and are against me. But I wanted that for him. So I did some research…

Due to my age, it seemed like if I was going to get pregnant again, it could take up to a year on average and that’s if I didn’t have any fertility problems. You all know my history. If something can go wrong, it usually does with me… And if I really want something, I don’t get it and when I don’t want something, I get it. 🙄

Anyway… I knew it could take a while… so I was doing research, finding the right doctors, I dug out the test strips I needed to track my cycles and hormones better from back in the wacky hormone days when my doctor recommended a hysterectomy 🙄 … they were old so I ordered new ones. I was prepared for the long journey to start AFTER I got back from Italy. Andy and I had really found our groove and are very much in love and committed to each other. It all felt so amazingly right for once in my damn life! 😀

When the new test strips came in for tracking my hormones, they also came with a couple of hcg hormone strips, which are basically pregnancy tests like the doctor’s offices use. I was a couple of days late but that isn’t unusual for me. I have a wonky hormone system and my cycles vary by a couple of days here and there. Besides, I was having some cramping and major bloating, which are typical premenstral symptoms for me. I assumed I would be getting it any minute…

I decided on May 12th to just test out one of those hcg strips for shits and giggles because I didn’t want to waste testing out the other hormone strips, which I would need much more later on… aaaaannnndddd — there was an incredibly faint line 😯 … it was so faint that I wasn’t even sure if it was there! I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.

I called my IRL bestie, Joanne. She overreacts to EVERYTHING. 😆 She freaked out and went down to the drugstore and bought store pregnancy tests. The next day, I went to her house and tested with her there. Once again, faint positives on all. Now *I* was freaking out. I called Dr. Mona’s office immediately and I went to the hospital for a blood test confirmation that day. Monday morning it was confirmed… 😯

At first, it was just me and Jo who knew. I was very reluctant to tell Andy. I didn’t want him to be so happy and excited and then be disappointed if I miscarried. 😦 I was scared shitless because I was scheduled to leave for a major trip with major physical stress in less than 2 weeks! 😯

Well, it only took about a week and I really just couldn’t hide it from Andy anymore. I didn’t have morning sickness at all but I was exhausted. I would get home from work and go to bed at 5:30 in the afternoon and not wake up until 7am the next day. That’s not me AT ALL. And Andy knew it. He knew something was up but he probably wasn’t sure how to ask me exactly. After one marathon 15 hour sleep session, I finally just told him.

I was such an idiot. I prefaced it by saying that I didn’t want him to get too excited, that I was/am very high risk, and with my previous history, it may not be a good outcome, and I didn’t want him to be mad at me if I couldn’t do this right… just rambling on and on. 🙄 The first thing he said was, “no matter what happens, we will still be together.” 😀

Very, very sweet, right? Yeah… I felt like I crushed his ability to have joy. 🙄 So then I’m all like, “but aren’t you excited?” He said, “Well, you just told me not to be…” 😆 And I said, “But are you? Are you okay with this?” —– “YES. Yes, I am.” 😀 I love that guy!

So the last 9 weeks have been horribly slow. I quit smoking and caffeine when the blood test results came back, which is a struggle every damn day of my life! I was going for hormone tests every other day. I was fighting with Dr. Mona’s office to get an ultrasound before I left for Italy. I didn’t want to have an ectopic pregnancy and need emergency medical care in a foreign country. They weren’t getting it and I got in a yelling match with one of the nurses. They finally did it the day before I left! The ultrasound showed a little fluttering heartbeat at only 5 weeks 6 days! And it was in my uterus, which usually hates me! 😆 Yay!

I then went on that VERY emotionally painful and physically stressful trip to Italy. 😦 I had to tell my dad because I couldn’t drink wine and that would make him suspicious. I have battled some very crippling fatigue, massive bloating, heart palpitations, carpal tunnel issues from the increased blood flow, insomnia, this stupid blood glucose thing, and some mild queasiness. Every day has felt like an eternity… waiting… and waiting… just trying to make it to 12 weeks… 😐

Some of my symptoms are starting to subside now. I am officially 12 weeks and 2 days today. I had a quickie appointment with Dr. Mona a week after I got back from Italy. She did a mini-ultrasound and the baby was fine despite some spotting while I was in Italy. I did the doctor change since I was not satisified with the care Dr. Mona’s staff was giving me. Andy’s work wife/bestie recommended her own OB-GYN (Thank God) and that’s who I saw last week. She’s a great doctor and I am very happy I made the change. I’m still highly bloated and dealing with sleep issues from the carpal tunnel but the rest is settling down now. I am going to have to continue monitoring my blood sugar because the new doctor said I am almost certainly going to get gestational diabetes. It’s just a matter of when.

Up to this point, Andy and I have really not planned anything. We have started buying diapers when we go to Walmart now. Last week, he skipped the DVD bins he normally would go look at and brought home diapers instead. That made me cry… which I do alot of now… 😆 The first time I went to the baby section at Walmart, I had a major panic attack and then I broke down in tears. I got the hell out of there fast before someone I knew saw me having a nervous breakdown in the infant car seat section. I am a little freaked out by all the STUFF they have now.

The fact is… I am starting from scratch! I had all this stuff at one time and now I have NOTHING. N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!! And everything is different now… 20 years later… it’s all way more complicated and there is so much STUFF! Andy looked at me like I was a crazy woman when I told him of my panic attack at Walmart. 🙄

So that’s where *I* am at right now. Like I said, Andy and I are ecstatic. Very, very happy. We have made it through the first 12 weeks pretty much so my miscarriage risk has dropped considerably but I’m not out of the woods yet. I am still considered high risk. (Of course!)

And we are NOT talking marriage… I know some of you will ask and I think his family wants that… I do not EVER want to be married because of an obligation to be married, like a baby. I am a strong ass woman. I don’t need to be married to have children. Period. If Andy wants to marry me someday, he will ask me (hopefully in a very traditional way 😉 ) because he loves me and never wants to live without me. I know he loves me and I know he’s committed to me. I think, given his own parents’ histories, that he is very marriage phobic and would be reluctant to say “forever” about anything until he is absolutely sure. And I want him to be absolutely sure. And happy. And hopelessly in love with me. And not forced. And not feeling “obligated”. Get it? 😉

This is nothing like last time. There is no apprehension, no uncertainty, no me taking on the world all alone… This time it feels right and meant to be. This time it is a very good thing and we feel very blessed to have made it to this point. We are very much in love and we can’t wait to have this baby together! 😀

James is not so pleased. I had not intended to tell him until now but he asked point blank one day and I didn’t want to lie to him. His response was, “Are you stupid?” I think it’s more of an embarrassment factor for him (alot of his friends are having babies right now…), but also, he is worried that he will no longer be my only son and the focus of all my attention. He had a concern about having to “join” Andy’s family, which I set him straight and told him that Andy is joining OUR family. I think he gets it now. I don’t know if Chelsea bitched him out or he has just had time to think more about it, but he has been very nice since I got back from Italy. He doesn’t want another little sister. He wants a little brother, he says. “But that doesn’t mean he is approving”… 😆 Okaaay.

Chelsea is extremely excited and happy. She is SURE this is going to be the baby sister she always wanted. I keep telling her that it’s a boy but she insists that it’s a girl. Andy had a dream it was a girl so now she thinks Andy is her best friend. It’s a boy. I’m telling you… it’s a boy… 😆 She’s saying if it’s a boy then it will be her gay little brother. 🙄 Somehow, I don’t think that will be happening on Andy’s watch…

Now, I know there are possibly still some locals who come over to read my blogs that may still be mutually my friend and Tim’s friend. Hell, for all I know, I may still have some ex-family who reads this crap still. I have no idea since I don’t track my logs anymore… BUT… if any of those scenarios matches who YOU are, I have THIS to say…

If running to tell Tim seems like a priority on your list, I really think you need to evaluate your priorities in life. I have not been with Tim for about 3 years now. I realize that I hurt him terribly but it’s time to move on. Hell, it’s past time to move on. I know someone is going to tell him that I am pregnant. It won’t be my kids, but I’m sure someone will. And that’s fine. If you feel that is your place, that’s your decision to make. But I think a little tact and compassion should be exercised when you do this.

I did not start a new life and get pregnant to hurt Tim. My life no longer revolves around him. I do NOT want him to be hurt at all, but I will not be putting my new life on hold to save his feelings. Hell, he completely disregarded my feelings for a majority of our marriage… 🙄 He has been living with his current girlfriend for 1 1/2 years now, I believe. I have been with Andrew for almost a year. We have BOTH moved on. From what I have heard, Tim is quite happy in his new life, despite what he tells my kids. 🙄 He is definitely living a life that I would NOT be happy in right now so he is doing his life his way, which should make him happy and is definitely what he should do.

So… happy, happy, happy… all around… remember that when you tell him I am pregnant. I think how you present your news has so much weight on how he reacts. If you are going to him and saying, “guess what your bitch ex-wife did again? You won’t believe this shit….”, you are soooo taking the wrong approach. Seriously. You need to check yourself.

Look, you can cut me down all you want, but the fact of the matter is, I was with Tim for 24 years. He will always have a place in his heart for me as I will for him, whether he wants to admit it or not. You talking about this situation in a derogatory tone to him only makes his initial hurt WORSE by putting it in a bitter and scornful way. You amplify the possible pain by doing that. He may not show you that he is hurt by it… and maybe he won’t be… maybe he is totally over me… but you probably have no real clue what is going on for real inside of him…

SO… why not be mature and caring and loving towards the guy, and if you feel you must be the messenger, then do it in a civilized, compassionate manner? Tim is a very outgoing, fun-loving, carefree, social, funny, compassionate, loving free spirit. There is no need to crush that. I don’t care if you tell him. Just be a good person about it if you are going to do it. That’s all I ask. Once he has his initial reaction, you can trash me all you want if he seems okay with that. Makes absolutely no difference to me. I’m sure once the news sinks in, he will whole heartedly jump on the bash-Renee-to-death train with you… Have at it… 🙄

So, what now? Well, we are getting ready to enter our 2nd trimester soon. I have my fingers crossed for making it to week 14! 😀 We are actually going to have to start “planning” for stuff. Yikes! I am currently undergoing testing for all sorts of birth defects and downs syndrome and that’s all VERY scary. Like I said, the Nuchal scan is Tuesday, which will give me some guidance on whether to get an Amnio. I am still testing blood sugars and seeing a diabetic counselor soon. My bloating never went away so that added 8 pounds to the 9 pounds I had already gained since I started seeing Andy so that’s great. 😦

I won’t be making any formal announcements anywhere else. I only did this here and on EP. I have an album that is open for viewing on FB if you are one of my friends there but I will also list the pictures in my EP profile album as well.

I hope this explains some of my looniness from the past few weeks and I hope you will all forgive me. You know how much I love you guys. It was just a very scary and exciting and overwhelming and happy time all at once. I really didn’t want to bring good and follow it with bad so that is why I chose to wait. Plus, I think having this little secret just between me and Andrew and a few very close friends gave he and I time to get over any fears. Now that the dangerous weeks are down, we are very happy. I know you will understand and I know you will forgive me. You guys can never stay mad at me for long anyways… 😉

PEACE!!!

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Comments
  1. OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF??????????????

    YOU KEPT THIS SECRET FOR 2 MONTHS????????????? WTF WTF WTF?????????

    I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP!!!!!!!!!

    CONGRATULATIONS, SUGARPLUM!!!!!!!!!! LUV U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    CALL ME ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. K'nesha says:

    O gurl! So happy fer ya!

    • Renee says:

      Thank you, K! Hey, how is your mom doing? Send me a message at EP and let me know! I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering how she was…

  3. rick says:

    what? no shotgun wedding? you are destrpying my joy. lol. congratulations, renee. you sound very happy and i wish you good health during your 9 months. i’m not that much older than you. you must be a glutton for punishment.

  4. Wanda says:

    No morning sickness? YOU SUCK!

  5. Hilary says:

    Holy Moly, Batgirl! This is such a shock! I can’t believe you kept this secret for so long! lol

    This explains soooo much, though! Now I get why you kept blowing me off on the diet boards. 😛

    And don’t worry about the weight. You just worry about staying healthy and having a beautiful baby! That’s all that matters right now.

    • Renee says:

      Well, I wasn’t blowing you off… I just haven’t been dieting… well, I am now, I guess, but not for weight loss… for blood sugar control. And it sucks balls. 😦

      I’m trying not to worry about my weight but sheesh! EVERYONE else seems worried about it. Oh! And the icing on the cake is that I had to be weighed in front of Andrew on like this cattle style scale at my last Dr. appt. 😯 I was horrified. Now he knows my weight… which is almost 20 pounds heavier than when he met me. Ugh! 😦

  6. Tom says:

    you aren’t getting married? sinners. 😈 but hey you wouldn’t be my friend if you weren’t a sinner and i don’t believe in marriage anyways. fuck em. lol

  7. Brenda says:

    Congratulations! I must say that I was SHOCKED when I read this on EP!

    You have never been able to keep any news about yourself to yourself, so I am quite impressed that you kept this to yourself for 8 weeks! 😆

    Why are you worried about what the ex will think? He has moved on way more than you. Quit worrying about his feelings. As you said, he has not worried about yours in quite some time. Now is your time. Don’t let that distract you from your joy.

    James will come around. It’s just all new to him. Everything is changing and he doesn’t like change. Typical bipolar. There is probably a little jealousy factor going on there as well. It will pass. Chelsea seems to be very supportive, so I hope that makes you at ease.

    Right now, you need to just take care of yourself. I had gestational diabetes with my youngest child and it was more a pain in the arse than anything. It meant more appointments and really watching everything I ate, which is harder than you would think when you are pregnant. I ended up losing 15 pounds during my pregnancy as a result! But he was normal on all levels. He only weighed 7 pounds so he wasn’t overly big or any of that nonsense they worry about.

    Once you hit the 2nd tri, you should start feeling better. The fatigue explains why we haven’t seen you around as much or posting as much on here. Understandable and no need to apologize for anything, hon.

    You know we will support you 100% and we are all very happy for you!

    Bren

    • Renee says:

      Thanks so much, Bren!

      James is coming around. I think he is just scared because his dad has a whole new family and he doesn’t want me to do the same. I saw that his father’s girlfriend’s children tagged him in pictures doing fun stuff with them and James can barely get the guy to answer a phone (hearsay… to be fair). But I am going to include James as much as I can in this process… whether he likes it or not. lol.

      While I could always stand to lose weight, I;m sure right now is not the time for it, but really… all the things they tell you to do like eat 4-6 small meals a day? That’s too much for me. I feel BLAH all day and I’m not hungry. Because of Andy’s schedule, I find that I eat at very strange times, too, and testing blood sugar 2 hours later makes for later nights than I would like… 🙄 Oh well. I’ll muddle through I guess.

      Anyway… thanks for your support and advice. As always. 😉

  8. Eddie says:

    CONGRATS! 😀

  9. Mary Jo says:

    Saw your post on EP and came right over! God Bless You! I know you will have a beautiful healthy baby!

  10. sarah & al says:

    Renee, Renee, Renee — Al and I are so very happy for you and Andy! This is such great news on a Monday morning!

    Do not worry about any of your ex-family, Renee. I guarantee you that they don’t think about you for one second. I know you still love them but you are growing a new family now and your energy and compassion need to point in your own direction now. Don’t waste time worry about the past players. Only wory about the current players. 😉

    And DON’T PANIC! 😆 Easier said than done, right? You are known among us as very resourceful. Take some time to get your bearings and then decide what basics you need to get and only do that. If you try to do everything, it can be very overwhelming! And it’s unnecessary. Baby steps for now. 🙂

    Once again, congratulations!

    • Renee says:

      Yeah, well…. lol… I’m trying NOT to panic these days. Just the basics… that’s what I am going to focus on for right now. Just the very basics. Breathe in, breathe out… 😆

      You are right about the ex-family and ex-husband. I guess I have this bad habit of NOT living up to my reputation as a bad ass, cold hearted bitch. I care about other people’s feelings too much sometimes, even if they don’t deserve it or want it. 🙄 I could see the pain on his face the last time I saw him and it broke my heart, not because I still love him or anything but because he is still so hurt by me. Despite the massive amounts of pain he caused me through the years, I am not at all proud of the pain I have inflicted on him. Eh… maybe that’s really selfishness on my part… You’re right. Need to let that go. Not my concern anymore.

      Thank you, Sarah. 🙂

  11. Ashleigh says:

    SCORE! 😀 😀 😀

  12. Brandon says:

    Is this a joke? 😛 J/K
    Congrats and Good Job! LMAO! 😆

  13. Jessie says:

    I saw the post on EP and thought you were going to confess something baaaaaddddd! lol!

    Glad it’s just a baby. Tsk, tsk. 😉

    I would wish you great peace but once that kid pops out those days are oooovvveeerrrr! Hahaha!

  14. Tracey says:

    Congradulations, lady! 🙂

  15. Sharon says:

    Such good news for you! What are you hoping for? A boy or a girl?

    • Renee says:

      Um… well, I would always love a girl. And Chelsea wants a girl so bad. Which is totally why I am going to have a boy. 😆

      Andy had a dream it was a girl but boys are extremely prevalent in his family so having a girl would be like winning the lotto. 🙄 We are planning on a boy. I had very little morning sickness. With Chelsea, I spent 2 months with my head on the toilet and sleeping on the bathroom floor. Sounds like a boy. 😆

      Besides, I don’t know how in the hell Andy would be able to tolerate a teenage girl. Really. 😆

  16. Evan says:

    Congrats on the baby and for having a better sex life than me! 😦

    • Renee says:

      Poor Evan. 😦 I’m pretty sure we all have a better sex life than you. Did you see if there was a gay monastery with an opening? 😉

  17. Linda says:

    Congrats, Renee!!! So happy for you!!!

  18. Gail says:

    Woooo hooooo!!!!!!! Such happy news!!!!! 😀

    You deserve this!

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