Yep. So… I have been purposely NOT posting because I have been so mad at James that I didn’t think it was safe for me to speak. After all that mess with my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend and my ex-BFF, I have learned that I should always take a few days to calm down before posting.

BUT…

This time I am so mad that it just isn’t dissipating! It’s not like a full on rage… it’s like a quiet simmering rage that borders on pity and resentment and disgust all at the same time…

How did this kid get to be the way he is? I just don’t get it. I am fully prepared to take on my responsibility as a parent for the way he turned out BUT…

How do you explain Chelsea then? I mean, she was raised the exact same way as James. Really. And she is a completely opposite person. She is halfway decently responsible. She never asks for money unless she really needs it, which is very rare. She values her job even though she hates it. She pays all her bills. I hardly hear from her ever, and when I do hear from her, it’s because she misses me… not to ask for a “favor”.

How did she turn out this way and James turned out like… *sigh*… not that way. 😦

He was suspended for 3 days from work this week. 😑 Now, don’t get me wrong… Chelsea has had work suspensions as well… mostly for calling in sick too many times. But she sucks it up and owns up to the mistakes and keeps plodding along… James’ solution to the embarrassment he feels for getting himself suspended is to transfer his job to Rock Falls and move there. πŸ™„

Every time he gets in trouble, his solution is to run away. He burns all these bridges to the fucking ground and then RUNS like a pussy. He never takes responsibility. It’s always someone else’s fault. Or some place. Or some thing. But never HIS fault. It’s so frustrating! 😑

I don’t mind if he moves out. Really, I don’t. It’s a pain in the ass because I don’t know what I am going to do about Petey or the house but that’s the only thing. However, I don’t think he will be gone long. If he leaves, then I have no excuse to keep the house. I will have to get some money together and make repairs and paint and do shit to sell it or rent it out.

What is going to happen is that I am going to have to do all that and just after I finally am ready to sell it, he will burn his bridge in Rock Falls and want to come home. And I won’t be able to say no. And my life will once again be turned upside down and he won’t appreciate it at all!

Because I was essentially homeless as a teenager, I have always ALWAYS made housing and stability for my children a major priority. I never want to tell them that I cannot help them. I never want them to be out on the street. Ever. Period. With Chelsea, I know she will always find a way. James… not so much… I fully expect him to be homeless a few times in his life actually… 😦 Sad… I know…

When he came to me to talk about this, Chelsea was here visiting me and she heard the whole conversation. She had also spent the weekend prior here at the house and spoke to James a little. He still has this notion that somehow his father and I are secretly handing out cash hand over fist to Chelsea. She told him she never asks for money and he acted like he didn’t believe her. πŸ™„ But she was telling the truth…

Anyway, so me and her are sitting there listening to what he is saying to us about moving out to Rock Falls because he fucked up at work. I tried explaining that he can run again if he wants but he can’t keep running and not solving the problem and the problem is HIMSELF… not Savanna, not the people he hangs with, not his employer… He got mad at me because he says he didn’t come talk to me so I could make smartass comments and tell him what a piece of shit he was. 😯

Chelsea was there with me and she can attest that i was NOT doing that at all. BUT… if he thinks I am going to sit around and NOT say anything about his bad behavior which is destructive to his own life, he obviously does not know me. It’s not like I am nagging him or screaming at him or kicking his ass to the curb, which is what most mothers would have done by now… 😑

No. That wasn’t what I was doing. But I was making comments about how this is his fault and some of those were smart ass comments instead of punches to the face, which is what he should have got.

😯

Seriously. Don’t ask me to condone your shittiness! Do not expect me to sit around and just ignore what a fuck up you are being! I can’t DO that! Chelsea doesn’t get to do that. What makes you so fucking special? Hell, I pay for EVERYTHING for you… I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. That’s the small price YOU pay for living off of me for free!

WHO IS THIS KID????

I am his ONLY stability. I am the ONLY one who has steadily stood behind him and supported him in any and everything he has done. I am the one who made accommodations so he can enjoy his life…

ARGH! SO FRUSTRATED! 😑

I really am dreading cleaning out the house and making all the extensive repairs needed to get it in sell-able condition after James and his friends have trashed the place. And what am I going to do with Petey? πŸ˜₯

When I discuss the Petey thing with Andy, he looks at me like I am stupid and he just doesn’t understand… which in and of itself is stupid… I mean, why do I have to give up MY dog? What does HE suggest I do with Petey? He’s got nothing…

He would NEVER give up his dog ever. I don’t get why he isn’t more sympathetic towards my issues with this. πŸ™„ Ok… I know he is very unemotional in general so that’s why he isn’t sympathetic and isn’t getting a fucking clue here… But I bet he would be emotional if he had to give up his dog…

I love my stupid dog… and he loves me… 😦

And my stupid dog is going to possibly outlive his dog, so I want to keep him around for a while… maybe I can find someone to temporarily house him for a couple of years? Ugh! This sucks…

I also considered maybe seeing if someone would rent out rooms of my house and at least pay the utilities and maybe fix some things while they are there… keep an eye on the place and keep Petey there… I have a friend who needs a place but she has a dog of her own and petey wouldn’t like that… one of my ex-brothers-in-law works here in savanna and has a girlfriend here but still lives with his mom and he might be open to that if he doesn’t get all weird and think he’s cheating on my ex-husband. πŸ™„

I may be screwed on this… I know I need to get rid of the house… I know this… It just seems like such a huge task for me to take on by myself and Andy has not offered to help me figure it out at all… not that I’m not capable… It’s just one of those scary ass things I have to do that I wish I didn’t feel so alone on. 😦

Happier blog coming round soon… I promise.

Advertisements

Say what you mean, Mean what you say...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s