I know I left everyone in a tizzy… I’m sorry… I’m just a little overwhelmed right now. There is soooo much going on…

Getting 100 emails today (50 from Nathan Enrique Brown himself! 😡 ) did not help matters.

EVERYONE wants to know where the ring is… EVERYONE!

I get it… I have thought about it and I get it. 🙄 BUT — I love him. I’m not going to say NO to a sincere marriage proposal just because he doesn’t give me a ring. That would be superficial and stupid. I’m not 25 years old…

Would I have liked a ring? Sure. But I had rings before. In fact, my ex-husband even had a promise ring I gave to him! Alot of good THAT did me! 🙄 So what would a ring really say? Yeah… it’s nice to have… I have never had a “nice” ring… my wedding set before was traded in on a Kirby vacuum cleaner sale…

*sigh*

I love Andrew. I really really love him. The way he asked me was spontaneous and random and sweet. I was completely unaware of what was really going on… it was that out of left field when he asked me… I couldn’t even say YES right away because I wasn’t sure he even said what I thought he said and I didn’t want to look like an ass. So instead, I stuttered and looked like an ass anyway. 🙄

The last thing I thought of at that proposal moment was a ring! What I was thinking about was… why in the hell he would propose to me when I had been sweating and moving furniture and dealing with teen angst issues and sitting on a floor putting beds together… how I looked awful with my hair up like I was Ma Kettle and a crappy black tee shirt and a hot pink skirt with white ankle socks on… how he could ask such an important question when I had my arms up over my head in the doorway and my fatass flabby upper arms were showing… ick!

😆 Maybe I am more superficial that I think I am… 😆

Anyway… I get that everyone is looking for a ring… I just don’t know what to say about it. He has not said anything to me about it so I have no idea why he didn’t have one… even a fake one… 😆 And while it would have been nice, I don’t need that to know that I love Andrew and want to be with him forever. It’s one of those girly romance things that I guess I can live without… as long as I get the man in the end. 😀

I really have such bigger fish to fry —

Dilemma #1

If you are a family member of Tim’s and you still come by for a read now and then, could SOMEONE please confirm whether he knows about me being pregnant or anything? This is apparently killing James… at least that is ONE of his many issues right now…

James say Tim still tells him he misses me and asks all the time what is new with me. Chelsea has said this as well. The kids always avoid the answer because they know better than to be the bearer of any news at all to their emotionally unstable father. I have never told them to withhold information from Tim. They have learned and made this decision for themselves… separately… as adults… because THEY KNOW what it could bring down on them… 🙄

So, James moved out after we had a huge fight but he was back on Sunday to try to make up with me in a very unacceptable way as usual… but anywho… this was part of his “angst” is that he doesn’t want to be “the one” who tells Dad… 🙄

I find it very hard to believe that Tim does not know I am pregnant and in a serious relationship with Andrew. I am 7 months pregnant! I mean, I’m not saying it’s impossible. Maybe EVERYONE he knows now knows to avoid certain subjects… but he hangs around with such dumbasses… someone had to say something by now…

So I want to know if he knows. If you are still hating on me, then at least let James or Chelsea know. I would sincerely appreciate it. Kids should not have to be worried about destabilizing their emotionally fragile parents… They don’t seem to have any problem telling me emotionally disabling shit… but God forbid Tim should have to hear anything… 🙄

This particular dilemma really pisses me off, because Tim is WITH another woman and has been living with her since like December 2009! He should NOT be telling my kids that he misses me when he has been living with another woman for 2 years now! That also makes me mad because when John and I broke up and I realized some of the really awful things I did to Tim, I wrote him an apology letter and asked for forgiveness. He has still never spoken to me again. I get that but then don’t act to our children like I am still a flame within your heart… I mean, the guy never extended one teeny tiny olive branch ever to me… 😡

Also, quit making the kids try to tell you something they clearly feel bad about telling you and you probably already know. That’s fucking manipulative! 😡 Like I said, there is a small chance he doesn’t know anything, but if he does, and he is continuing to ask them open ended questions, that’s just wrong… Just admit you know! Jeez! 🙄

Dilemma #2:

When Andrew asked me to marry him, I was so taken aback that I could barely think… as I said, literally. I just wasn’t expecting it. I thought sometime after the baby was born and all that, ya know? I mean, I feel like this whole bun cooking thing is pretty overwhelming as is… now i am adding in getting married…

So he asked me when I wanted to get married. 😯 I was all like in shock and told him I had not thought about it (because DUH… I wasn’t expecting it!) and I would need some time to let it sink in. That was the right answer, right?

So that was Sunday. Today is Monday. I had to go to Rolling Meadows today. I get home at like 7pm. He gets up from bed to tell me he told his Dad, who started crying when he was told. I’m not sure why he cried… he must have really been worried Andrew was never going to get married! 😆

Anyway, so he told his Dad… BUT… what he told him was that we would be getting married before the baby was born…

😯 😯 😯
😯 😯 😯 WHAT????
😯 😯 😯

I don’t know how me saying I wanted to think about timing turned into “before the baby is born”. I specifically asked Andrew if he had thought about when he wanted to get married after he asked me and he said he hadn’t thought about it. Well, apparently, he has thought about it and wasn’t open with me about this? This was the first time I heard this out of his mouth!!!

I am truly stunned. 😯

Now, get this… I love him. I love him more than anything. I want nothing more than to marry him. I am faithful and loyal and I’m not going anywhere. He’s stuck with me. Married or not. It’s not like he needs to marry me quickly to avoid the onslaught of suitors I have coming after me… 🙄

What is his damn hurry?

(And now I wonder if he is just asking me because he wanted to be married because of the baby. 😕 )

Now, before everyone starts bitching at me, hear me out… I spent 7 hours on the road today so I had plenty of time to think things through logically and all adult like…

1. If I have any major medical complications from this pregnancy, I could incur some astronomical medical bills. If we are married, he is 100% liable for those medical debts. I’m not saying I will have these issues. I’m just saying “what if”. I do NOT want him burdened that way. I have counseled people like this for 20 years. If I was my client, I would tell them to wait before getting married given the circumstances. This is super logical me. Just keeping it real…

2. If I lose my job in the next 6-12 months, and it is a very *VERY* real possibility, I will become bankrupt. Andy wouldn’t be affected by that except in the case of medical bills. It’s not my fault really and it certainly wouldn’t be his fault. I don’t want to drag him into a financial mess with me. I would rather take care of that first.

3. I really would like to get married on September 24th… it will be a Monday 😆 but I don’t care. It was the first real date. It was the first kiss. His grandmother could be there. Hell… I didn’t get the damn ring… can’t I have ONE romantic thing for myself? 😡

4. I feel overwhelmed. I don’t think I should get married when I feel overwhelmed. I did that with the first marriage. I was 4 months pregnant when I got married before. I felt overwhelmed. I want better for myself this time around. I want to ENJOY getting married! You should enjoy your wedding day, right? Who in the hell can enjoy their wedding day when they are as big as a house and not feeling at all beautiful? (He rolled his eyes at me when I told him this.) *sigh*

5. See Dilemma #3 😦

So I kind of mention this to Andrew tonight and he acted like that was okay… but I’m not sure if it really is okay or he’s just saying that. He generally doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean, though… he’s always real careful about that… so I don’t know… I mean, if it wasn’t a big deal, then why would he just blurt that out to his Dad like that without talking to me about it first? Now I feel like I am letting his Dad down and I didn’t mean to! 😥

Dilemma #3

My children. I have two children currently. Yes, they are now adults. Yes, they have both moved out (finally!) and are progressing on with their lives…BUT that does not mean they are no longer my children…

I would not just get up and marry someone without telling and getting some type of approval from my minor children. I won’t do it without my adult children either…

Chelsea is fine. She’s very happy for me. She’s also wondering where the hell the ring is at? 😆 She accepts Andrew for how he is and if he chooses not to speak with her extensively then she doesn’t take it personally.

James does.

He is NOT fine with this. I finally told him tonight. He just had an extensive conversation with me on Sunday about how Andrew needs to step up and make an effort with him. Have one decent conversation with him. I can’t say that I disagree with James…

This is very hard for Andrew to understand. He has been a loner almost all his life. He is very socially awkward and always has been (probably moreso than he even realizes). He does not understand the need to make small talk. Ever. Period. (Yes, really…) And he does not have a good family background to lay any groundwork on for the appropriateness of certain situations like step children… despite all the dysfunction that runs rampant… 😆

I have asked Andrew to make an effort. He hasn’t. But he must. He must or this whole marriage thing isn’t going to happen. He can act like he can ignore it all day long but eventually this shit is going to blow up… I’m not sure how to emphasize to him how incredibly important this is to me.

Look, I know James can be crazy and irrational… I *know* this. But I can’t marry someone who just refuses to have a conversation with my adult children. I can’t! Someone needs to man up and I’m sorry if I think that it should be Andrew… I just think he is the more mature one…

I think Andrew has always either just ignored or avoided these types of family situations and he has had several instances of bad examples set for him by his own family. So he thinks his solutions to ignore the situation are valid. But they aren’t for me. You guys know me… that will not fly long term…

Family is everything to me. I am a very family connected person. I don’t know why since that is not how I was raised *AT ALL* but I am. I do NOT consider my job as a mother done for James, for Chelsea, and also not for Sean Christopher Warfield when they turn 18. I am their mother FOREVER… whether they want me to be or not!

Andrew has never had this experience. He has been on his own for quite a while. His mother repeatedly abandoned him and made horrible parental choices. His father did the best he could but made all sorts of dysfunctional parental choices in the name of love several times… Andrew felt he had to fend for himself much like I did… My family wants and needs increased, though… I think his decreased… 😦

Andrew needs to decide to do this. He needs to make James feel at ease with him. Even just a little bit. For me. I would do it for him in a heartbeat. I am worth that much, right? 😦

This could definitely make a difference in how much time it takes us to get married because this is a major obstacle… 😐

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So those are the major dilemmas right now…

I did not lose my job today, but as I said, it’s a very real possibility in the next 6-12 months so I need to prepare. This is also freaking James out. I think he always assumed he would have that house to come back to… He probably should have treated it better then, huh? 😕

Nate: please quit sending me pictures of $2000 wedding ring sets. It ain’t happening… Sorry to ruin all your fun, babe! Still love you! 😉 I did like this one, though. 😉 At least one set was reasonably priced! LOL!

Okay… enough boring whining for tonight. I need some sleeeeeep!

PEACE!!!

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