I do NOT know what my problem is that I CANNOT pull myself out of this funk I am in.

😦

I am very literally DEPRESSED.

😦

It’s drowning me.

😦

It just feels like one bad thing after another keeps happening to me.
It has been such a long time since I have gotten this far down.
Really.
It just sucks.

😦

The transmission on my car went kaput last week. It will take every single penny I have in savings to fix it. No joke here. Every.single.penny. Christmas money = gone. Washer money = gone. Emergency house repair fund = gone. Medical Bill money = gone. Me = fucked.

I could fix my car but I will have absolutely nothing left to back me up. My kids will have no Christmas and neither will I. I won’t even be able to get Andy anything and I already owe him for his birthday! If anything goes wrong with the house, I will be screwed. I can’t even fix what is currently wrong really. I will have to sell some things to pay for the washer Andy paid for on his credit card. WTF am I gonna do about the $2000+ in medical bills I am going to and already have started to accumulate???

Fuck.Me. 😥

I got a seriously screwed up bill from Rockford Memorial last week. How can a major hospital not take Blue Cross Blue Shield??? Crouse Plumbing and Heating charged me $59 for a 5 minute service call that was caused by their fucked up installation of my thermostat in June. I am still having issues from Tim’s reckless disregard of his own medical bills. 🙄 I have no one to stay in my house for free for the winter while I go have a baby. I have no one who will watch my dog for the long term in case I eventually lose my home or need to move out of it permanently.

ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

The thing is… I normally would just pull myself up by the bootstraps and just will myself to do whatever needs to be done to FIX this problem. That’s what I *do*! It’s kinda like “my thing”. Tim hated that I had that attitude (despite his obviously benefiting from it for many, many years) because it made me appear to be cold and not at all compassionate… 🙄

But, like I said… it is WHAT I DO and I have ALWAYS done that well. I identify a problem, and regardless of how I got there, I quit looking back and start thinking forward. I’m not really looking back right now, but I am definitely NOT thinking forward.

And that’s why I haven’t been around much. 😦

I just cannot seem to get out from this gutter I am in and motivate my fat pregnant ass to FIX anything right now. I just want to curl up in the fetal position on the floor and cry. But… I am the only one who can do this for me. I know this. It is like the story of my LIFE! No one has ever handed me anything or made anything easy for me. I have always had to work hard (damn hard) to create my life and the solutions needed to run it.

Ugh!

Why can I NOT do this? 😡

I need to start looking at the good things that have happened… no matter how small… and see if I can somehow add all those up to offset the bad stuff… Hmmmm…

Things to be thankful for:

1. Andrew really loves me. Alot. He told me this week he had never considered ever even asking anyone else to marry him ever… in all his 42 years of life… it probably helps that I’m knocked up, eh?
2. Sean will be here in less than 90 days!
3. Chelsea is stable and registering for the spring semester at college.
4. James is growing up and has finally moved out on his own.
5. Big Red rides again after several months down and it only cost me parts because Rex loves me and he is an awesome true friend.
6. Zach got my entire winterization list I gave James a month ago done in 2 days for the house.
7. I lost my dog and then found him again… and bail was way cheaper this time.
8. James’ friends have been willing to check in on Petey when I am not home all weekend. They have been very nice to me.
9. Rex and Jo won’t be moving until after the baby is born hopefully… so I now have back up emergency transportation that is close.
10. I didn’t lose my job yet… and my benefits are the same.
11. My pregnancy and health have been normal and routine so far.
12. Andrew’s dad finally got all the electrical done in the baby’s room. Only have sanding and painting left to move everything in!
13. I have some amazing friends that love me and accept me exactly how I am… crazy stupid and all!
14. I love my job. Not many people can say that. I can. I am blessed to have that.

*sigh*

Look at all the wonderful and beautiful things I have to be thankful for? Why can I *NOT* let the greatness of the good things outshine the bad? Why am I struggling so badly?

This is so not me.
Where did I go?
Why do I feel so out of sorts?
Why do I feel like breaking down every single day?

DAMMIT! 😡

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