Last night’s Video Chat with Nate:

Nate: Wow. Wtf happened to you?
Me: I got knocked up.
Nate: And? You look like you got hit with the I haven’t slept since 1975 stick.
Me: Thanks, asshole.
Nate: Don’t be bitter. Start tanning.
Me: 😐

I won’t lie at this point…

I am starting to get bitter…

and I am miserable. Genuininely miserable.

And I hate that I am this way. I really do hate it… I know they say all pregnant women get this way in the end… but I don’t remember being this miserable with my other 2 kids. Well, Chelsea was 3 weeks early so that’s probably why that didn’t happen with her. I worked up until my due date of January 5th with James. On my feet making lemonade and corn dogs at Corn Dog on a Stick. I think I would remember hating that but I actually remember being pretty happy up until I went into a 30 hour labor and I was 5 days overdue by the time I had him! 🙄

I am sick of medical providers not listening to me or at least giving me some type of compassion. Understanding and kind words would mean alot to me right now. Instead, all my medical providers seem to do is blow me off, not explain shit to me properly, or pass the buck to someone else. They really have become worthless to me… 😦

Right now, I am just trying not to freak the hell out and go on a murderous, gory killing rampage.

No…

Really…

I already had one mental breakdown on Sunday night with Andy where I inexplicably just broke down in tears for no real good reason other than I just felt depressed beyond belief… 🙄 He kissed me and tried to comfort me but it really did not help… I’m still pregnant at the end of that breakdown.

It would never be this bad if I could just move without pain and if I could just sleep for 6-8 hours straight. That ain’t happening until the baby comes… and that’s as long as Andrew is feeling confident enough to take care of the baby alone… I am hoping for some of my most severe symptoms to subside shortly after giving birth. I don’t know how old people do this…

My symptoms, just tonight as I sit here typing this:

*TMI ALERT*

1. Pitting Edema in my legs and feet. That’s where you retain so much water that you look like the elephant man and your skin resembles silly putty. It’s gross. And painful. And a freak show.
2. Excessive itching to the point of bleeding on my legs, feet, back, arms, and wrists.
3. Off and on nausea until I eat… for like the 24th time in a day… it’s ridiculous and I will be lucky to not have gained 20 pounds by the end of the week.
4. Constipation… for days… how long can you go without pooping? Really. Is there a safety issue here?
5. Mild nagging headache that never completely goes away.
6. Mega joint pain in my fingers, wrists, and hips… I have a very VERY hard time even getting in my car! It also takes at least 20 minutes of painful deliberate movements to get out of bed to go potty 3 times a night! I get no sleep!
7. My bladder is squished (I imagine) beyond recognition. Very strange feeling when it “pops”up like a balloon… that can’t be good, right?
8. Plus it makes me pee ALL THE TIME but only in 2 tablespoon increments. SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS!
9. Cold sweats and sweating for no good damn reason!
10. Some underlying anxiety. I can feel it in my bones! 😉 And it makes it hard for me to stay focused at work… and overly emotional… 🙄 as if I need that…
11. Very VERY VEEEERRRRYYYY tired.. fatigued… all day, every day. That’s all I do… sleep and work. Literally.

In terms of physical ailments, I don’t think I have ever been this miserable over a sustained period of time. And I suffered from gall bladder attacks for 5 years! This is soul crushing, depressing ass misery right here…

Chelsea won’t feel sorry for me because she says I signed up for this. And I guess she is right. 😐 But I PAY my medical providers to give a shit and they don’t so what’s their excuse? Eh. At this point, I could care less what their excuse is. I hate all of them. They never take me seriously. They never explain anything to me. They suck ass. 😆

So yeah…

Just hanging out…

Waiting to get a baby out of my womb…

That’s what I have been up to…

🙄

The baby’s room is still incomplete. It took me 4 days to do a major art collage that normally would have only taken maybe one day… if that… It looks pretty awesome, though, imperfections and all… I kind of love it. 🙂

I still have the onesie project which is getting larger and larger with each passing day so I need to do it soon. I don’t know what Andrew is thinking… he only bought 6 onesies… but he has like 27 tee shirt transfers to attach to them! 😆

I also have the crib skirt and the lighting fixture to make. Oh, and a clock project! 😆 It feels like it never ends! But it was a junk filled old woman’s room before and it looks fabulous so I can’t say it was a wasted effort. Thank God for Pinterest! 😆

I know, I know… complete nursery pictures will be posted soon. I promise! I got my new camera today so give it a few days so I can learn it a bit and then I will post some. 😛

I still haven’t answered ex-BFF’s letter to me. I need to get it done. Every time I sit down in the only chair I can sit in comfortably for more than 10 minutes, I fall asleep almost immediately! 😯 So I never get it done! Plus, I am having an extremely hard time trying to figure out how to word it without sounding bitter…

Because I’m not… but it kinda sounds like I am… but I’m not.

*sigh*

I am kind of pissed that she put me in this position. Same shit, different day… she leaves it up to me to resolve the issue entirely and comes right out and says so… 🙄 and this was totally her issue to resolve… passing the buck and still not taking responsibility for anything. I hate that! 😡

But I guess I should have known that if she ever talked to me again it would go down like that. In the dark recesses of my mind, I thought that maybe… just maybe… she would “get” what she did and come to her senses. But it’s the same old song and dance… still placing the blame on others… still not wanting to take any responsibility… still not willing to just say a simple I’m sorry and be done with it. It makes me really sad that after over a year and all the heartbreak we have probably both endured that she still doesn’t care enough about me to see how badly I was hurt and just apologize! Geez! 😦

I wish it were different but I think I made peace with the fact that it isn’t. So I’m not bitter. Disappointed a little but not bitter. Yet every time I try to figure out what to say in response, it just comes off as bitter… to me anyway… And it’s not that I won’t let it go… I would if she had actually apologized as I had done previously… it’s just that there were things said that she can’t take back without apologizing…

Anywho… I’m not going to mash this over again. 🙄 You have all heard my own song and dance on this too many times to count… I just wish I could figure out what to say. (And, Nate, what you told me to say is obviously unacceptable 😆 )

Ok.

I’m just going to wrap this up now and go back to my table for one at the pity party. I’m tired and now I am irritable as well. 😛

But misery does love company… 🙄 so if you can’t beat me, join me! 😉

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