Some really earth shattering revelations have come to me in the last couple of weeks. I guess you are never too old to learn a thing or two about life. Just when you think you know it all, up pops some little tidbit of amazingness that knocks the wind right out of you… ya know? 😉

I don’t know if I was just brainwashed or delusional still from my previous marriage or what the deal was, but I really did think I had love all figured out. 🙄 I thought I knew exactly what it was and how it felt and looked and what it tasted like… everything! But after the last couple of weeks of staying home with just me and Andrew and the baby, it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks that I didn’t know anything at all… until now. 😉

I don’t know… maybe it’s just that my perspective that has changed? Whatever it is, it just seems so clear to me now… so much clearer than it had ever been in the past…

One thing about me and my ex-husband… I always assumed that I knew that he loved me. He did horrible things to our marriage but he always was completely remorseful and devastated and seemed genuinely sorry and proclaimed his love for me from the treetops whenever he fucked up. So I always knew that anytime I had to deal with whatever shitstorm he brought to our marriage that above all else he loved me…

That’s what I thought. 😐 I believed that forever… up until a few days ago… 😐

Now I realize…

That’s sooo not real love… it’s just not… you don’t continually over several years – decades! – make the same emotionally devastating mistake that is going to kill the heart and soul of the person you love OVER AND OVER AGAIN when you have real love for that person.


You don’t ever let the one you love ever feel inferior to anyone else. And when the love of your life is down in the gutter, you don’t expect that person to be strong enough to dig themselves out of it… you go and love her out of it and take the very best care of her that you can…

I never had any of that before… 😦

Until now… 🙂

Now I realize what real love really feels like and looks like and tastes like. It has kind of turned my world upside down. It makes me cry inappropriately… (I know! What else is new??? 😆 ) but it’s tears of happiness usually, not sadness… I do feel a little stupid that I didn’t know before but thought I did… 🙄

Andrew has been amazing these last couple of weeks. He took the time off work even though his paycheck will be short because of it. He has taken care of me day after day and let me sleep when he knew I needed it. He checked in on me, brought my meds to me in bed as well as coffee on days when I could barely move and just wanted to die. He has enthusiastically taken on everything with the baby and never complains even when I know he is tired, too.

He makes me feel beautiful even when I know that I look horrible and probably don’t smell so great either. 😆 He has gone out of his way to make sure I know how much he loves me and appreciates me by showing me every single day without “forgetting” about it…

Maybe that all seems so trivial to you guys… but it’s a huge change for me because he can do all that and make me feel so deeply for him myself *WITHOUT*… I repeat, *WITHOUT*… a huge emotional yet selfish breakdown. 😉 He shows me that even when he is completely silent. He doesn’t need to be sobbing or screaming at me to prove that. His presence next to me just kind of exudes that feeling. I can feel his love for me just floating off of him and into me…

I know what you haters are thinking… but screw you! This is a big deal to me! I think I had given up on that kind of love… so I had given up on ever feeling true real love, I guess you could say… I just assumed that it didn’t exist or that it only existed in the movies. I assumed that the way Tim acted and reacted was true love and I really didn’t want that kind of love anymore… OBVIOUSLY… if it meant getting hurt every 5 years then it just wasn’t worth it. For real. 😦

So I gave up. 😯 On real love. 😦

Now I can see that I never had the right definition to begin with. Now I do and it makes a huge impact on my outlook on life now. I don’t think I ever allowed myself to really SEE or FEEL just how much Andrew truly loves me and how much I love him. I knew I loved him and I knew he loved me but I didn’t really fully envelop myself in that. We are kind of a “matter-of-fact” kind of couple with me being the much more romantic of the two of us, which is a change from my past… but we don’t generally show too much sappiness towards each other too often…

To be honest, it all seemed too good to be true… I’ve been kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop most of the time… just waiting for one of the old warning signs to show up and just PROVE to myself that my old idea and picture of love was true… 🙄

Thank GOD that is not what has happened. Andrew truly loves me. I can actually feel it. 😀

And I can honestly say that I have never felt this loved before… not like this…

It’s so exciting and terrifying! 😆

(Nate: Don’t be jealous, bitch. 😛 )


Say what you mean, Mean what you say...

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