The only thing I miss about my previous life is the big family we had. I especially miss it when there are holidays. Like today. 😦 I MISS THEM! πŸ˜₯

Today, I was alone. Utterly, pathetically alone. Andy slept ALL DAMN DAY.

*sigh*

That sucks ass.

Andrew and his family are NOT big on holidays AT ALL. They don’t do anything for any holiday of any kind. Once his grandfather passed away and his grandmother started going down south for the winter, everyone else just gave up. Andy usually works every holiday he can get since the pay is alot more. Chelsea has been doing the same. James rightfully went to his grandmother’s big family gathering. So there is no one to spend holidays with in general.

I really don’t want Sean to grow up with this feeling. I want him to have good holiday memories. I don’t want him to dread them. I’m not sure what I am going to do to change this but I need to do something. If I don’t, then I will go insane. I know I can’t do the whole big family thing just because… well… we don’t have a big family really… but I want Sean to have a sense of some type of tradition and family unit.

I will need to think about this. I really need to make this happen for myself and my son because no one else will do this for him. 😦

The other pathetic thing I did today was go around begging any and everyone to baby sit Sean tomorrow. πŸ™„ i swear that people these days are so freaking insincere. I hate that! I don’t know how many people have told me, “Oh, if you ever need a babysitter in a pinch, definitely call me!” and then when you do, everyone is busy, has doctor appointments, doesn’t answer your calls or messages… whatever…

I just don’t get that. Probably because I am just not like that. I won’t say something I don’t mean 100%. Like if you have an ugly kid, i am not going to come up and say “What a cute baby!” No. Not. Happening. I just don’t say things I don’t mean. Period. It was a long running joke with me and my kids that you shouldn’t ask me for my opinion if you couldn’t handle the truth… because sometimes the truth is brutal. πŸ˜†

Anyway… so I couldn’t find anyone until AFTER 11pm one of Chelsea’s childhood friends finally got online and said yes. By then, Andy had already begged a coworker into doing it for us. What a nightmare. The plus side of this is that even though I don’t know the woman at all, she is a pediatric nurse at the hospital so at least Sean will be in medically capable hands. I just wish I could keep him closer. I’m going to miss him tomorrow. 😦

Oh and after that rant I went on last night, i spoke with James today and his recent actions are probably going to cause me to not be able to see my grandson on a regular basis. I could tell by the way James was talking to me that he was lying about something. I don’t know what but I know that my gut instinct is that it isn’t good, meaning that it’s a path he has chosen and he is likely ashamed to admit how he handled it.

It is very sad to me to get that gut aching / wretching feeling when he is pathologically lying to me. It brings back so many bad memories and a general bad taste in my mouth. It is sad that he is resorting to this and that i may actually be losing the real him. If he cannot tell the truth to ANYONE, that is a very bad sign that he will slip into a particular corner of hell that I will not be able to pull him from. It makes me feel hopeless. 😦

On that deeply depressing note…. *sigh*

Okay, well, I was just swinging by to complain about how sad of a day I had. πŸ˜† πŸ™„

I know… I’M A LOSER! I can’t help it. 😦

AAAAANNNNDDDDD — It’s fucking Monday.

Ugh.

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