I had a whole different blog post ready to go for today but now I am just too livid and upset to write…

You know, I have really really really made an honest attempt to change myself. My emotions after the downfall of my marriage and that really cringe worthy rebound relationship were all over the map. I woke up one day and decided to quit being such a spaz and try to be a better and saner person. It’s days like these where I struggle…

Let me tell you about my weekend…

Saturday: Andrew found out Friday that he had to film his movie part. Fine. No biggie. I can hold down the fort, right? Sean hasn’t been sleeping during the day much now, but like an idiot, I started several projects right off the bat… building a wall length baby mobile, laundry, changing all the linens out, dishes, organizing clutter in the office, starting to sew some star pillows with leftover fabric, and cutting the panels for the crib skirt I never got done…

So Sean won’t sleep. Super. I start wrapping up as many projects as I can so that I can entertain Sean for the afternoon. We went for a car ride and played peekaboo and visited friends the rest of the day. I get back from my friend’s house at 5pm. Andrew’s home. I pump… yes, I am still doing that in the middle of all this… every 5 hours… so I pump and then get ready for the drive in movie. Their spring horrorfest was last night and we wanted to get pictures before the sun went down.

We leave for the drive in. I pay for gas ($20) and Andy goes in and gets cash… I assume $20 because that was just enough to get us in to the drive in and he said he didn’t have enough for food. I knew to eat prior to leaving the house because Andrew said he wasn’t hungry “at all” which I knew really meant “feed yourself because I’m not feeding you”. But we get to the drive in and now he’s hungry and asking if I have cash… which I did because I sold stuff of mine to go to the fix stuff on my house fund and brought the cash with as an emergency back up… which Andy then used to buy food at the drive in. I had half the popcorn, a pop, and a pretzel with cheese. He had 2 cheeseburgers, raisin-ets, half the popcorn, and a pop… we ended up spending $30 on food. So I had to spend $50 to his $20… every time this happens, I think about the $2800+ in medical bills I am having to pay by myself… because Andrew acts like there are no such things as medical bills in his world… πŸ™„

Oh, and we get to the drive in and start taking pictures and I ask Andrew to take some pictures of me with the baby. He takes like 3. And I am mostly cut out… just my face… in those 3… He has me take like 300 pictures of him with the baby and the ones on my camera aren’t good enough for him (even though my camera is 100x better) so we had to take them on his… So he’s reviewing them in the car and this is when I realize that he took only a couple of me with the baby. He has tons with me holding the baby but just my arms and hands show. He only has like 3 with me actually showing in the frame. πŸ™„

I did say something to him but he just kind of blew me off. I didn’t press it because then I just felt ugly. Like I am so fat and ugly that he won’t even document my time with his child. Like I’m just not worthy in any way. 😦 😦 😦 This makes me extremely sad…

Anyway… So then we watch the first movie. It was Psycho and we both have seen it a million times but it was a new experience seeing it at the drive in… The second movie comes on and Andrew is falling asleep because he has been up since 3:30am. He said that was because of the baby getting up… but the baby only gets up that early when he is home… I never hear the baby at that time when I am home alone with him. So I’m either sleeping right through that or Andy’s is jumping up and getting the kid at the very first whimper…

Anyway… he’s falling asleep so we leave and go home… That’s fine but we get home and he immediately gets on his computer to edit pictures. Now he is wide awake… OOOOOO-KKKKK… *sigh*

I pump. I get ready for bed. He follows. It is now 1:20am. He tries to cuddle a little but now I am tired… and irritated… and feeling like a big fat cow…. but I figure I’ll feel okay about it in the morning…

At 4am or something like that, the baby starts crying. I kind of hear him but it takes me a couple of minutes to rouse myself. When I finally decide to start scooting myself down the bed (I have to do this because Andy won’t move my side of the bed away from the fucking wall to make it more convenient for me… and I don’t say anything about that because I don’t want to change “his world” and I’m a douchebag…), he pops up and goes and gets the baby… so I stay in bed… and he comes in a few minutes later with the baby and says, “what do you want me to do with him?”

😯

Uh… what? What do you mean?! You got up first even though I was moving and you got the kid out of bed and now you are asking me what to do? Do what you normally would do! Take care of him! Feed him! Then put him back to bed!

I didn’t say any of that because I was pissed now… so I got up and did just that… fed the kid and put him back to bed and then went back to bed myself… that was hard. πŸ™„ And then when the baby woke up again, I got up with the baby *again* while Andrew slept in for another couple of hours.

So today I already had plans to go to a birthday party for a friend’s family. I planned to pump at noon and go. Andy asked if I was taking the baby. I told him I had planned on it but he could keep the baby himself if he wanted to spend some time with him since it had been a couple of days since he spent time with him. He declined. I took the baby with me… When I get home at 4:30pm, Andy is no where to be found… no note… and he doesn’t believe in cell phones… so I’m just waiting around for him…

By the time he gets back from “driving around” (with his camcorder but he didn’t tell me why he took that with him…), it’s almost time for me to pump. The baby is cranky. It’s like 6pm. Usually, the baby will go to bed around 8pm and stay asleep for the night until like 6am the next morning. I start getting ready to pump. Andy was on his computer doing… nothing… and the baby is crying. But I can’t pick him up… I have to pump… he knows this… so he picks up the baby finally and starts walking around the house with him. I start pumping. He says something about how the baby is fussy and obviously tired.

I tell him I would like to try to keep him up for another couple of hours so he will sleep through the night until at least 5am. Apparently, this pissed him off but he failed to TELL ME. 😑 Instead, he puts the baby in the playpen and walks away and starts getting ready for bed. The baby is screaming bloody fucking murder, and because he is pissed off about my master plan, he just fucking walks away from the baby who is screaming!!!

DUDE! COMMUNICATE!!!!! FUCK!!!!

He literally just goes to bed while I am in tears trying to console the baby with one hand while holding 2 bottles to my breasts and a breast pump in my lap. Seriously. 😯 As soon as he closed the bedroom door, I was sobbing… I am just so angry… I had to stop pumping early and immediately (which eventually will cause me to lose my supply if I do that too often) and take care of the baby because he silently refused to do that for 15 more fucking minutes. He couldn’t be mature enough to just say something to me, to communicate effectively. Instead, he “punishes” me by walking away. Am I five? 😑

Here’s my problem… in my head I am all super ghetto pissed right now… every other word in my head is FUCK and ASSHOLE right now… and I am ready to explode… and normally, when I was like 30, I would just storm my ass into the bedroom and GO OFF on his ass…

But that’s just not me anymore… and that is certainly not who I want to be either. I think I made a good friend of Patience over the last 5 years or so… I want to keep it that way… BUT…

Is that some fucked up passive aggressive bullshit or what?????

WHAT.THE.FUCK!!!!?????

You know, when I reread what I wrote above, no one single incident is worthy of feeling this enraged… it’s the whole of it all… the taking advantage of my time, the selfishness, the making me feel like an ugly worthless woman, the disregard for my financial well being, and finally the passive aggressive crap when he obviously disagreed with my stance today… that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

And now I don’t know what to do. He’s sleeping right now. I am upset. Alot. This probably isn’t a get over it quick thing. But I almost think I should not say anything right away because I am afraid of going ghetto mad on his ass. I don’t know if I can control it. But I am also scared that if I sleep on it then I will just wake up tomorrow and tell myself that I blew it out of proportion and talk myself out of saying anything about it. Ugh! I hate this!

We never fight. I’m pretty sure that is about to end. πŸ˜₯

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