So, as most of you know, I don’t have cable television. 😯

I know. πŸ™„

It blows…

Anyway. I miss all the sports games and that’s what i miss the most. Oh, and HGTV. And the Food Network. And Bravo. *sigh*

I also usually feel very disconnected because I can’t just flip on the TV at any time of the day and check the weather or news. I am always out of the loop. And now I get all my news and weather from the internet. On the internet, they always use really bold headlines to grab your attention so you click on it thinking, “I want to see this freak show mess!” And I do.

So here are the more recent freaky news stories I have read:

1. Cops: S.D. woman broke into home, attempted to breastfeed stranger’s baby

Who does this? Seriously. I cannot imagine doing this in even my worst drunken hot mess episodes. And I have had a few doozies when it comes to hot mess drunken episodes, let me tell you! And how in the hell do you stop a freak like this? Uh, hey, bitch… that’s my baby your tit is on… EWWWWW!

2. Woman who received 9.5 grade defends romance spreadsheet

The real story here is that this guy who had the spreadsheet is not all that great looking. His chin is enormous. But the dude has dated so much that he needs a freaking spreadsheet to keep them all straight? Look, I love a geeky guy and this seems like a geeky way to do things but I would still be creeped out by this. It gives me the heebie geebies. I did the whole online dating thing… ultimately, that’s how I met my fiance… but I never dated so much that I needed a spreadsheet. Of course, I am not a well off “investment banker” in NYC either so maybe that’s why… Still. Creepy. Even for a geek.

3. Argentina: Grieving Parents Find Baby Alive in Morgue

How do FIVE doctors miss a heartbeat of any kind? I mean, they say she may have had a low heart rate but a low heart rate is a low heart rate! Dead is NO heart rate? Right? I mean, I didn’t have to go to medical school to figure that one out… It makes me wonder how many other babies have been declared dead at that hospital and what happened to those babies? So sad and scary yet happy at the same time. I hope these parents win lottery size winnings from this place. They deserve it after enduring the heart breaking news that their daughter died and having to pry open the nailed coffin these assholes put her in. 😦

4. Obama Calls Kanye West ‘Jackass’ Again

Hey, Kanye. It’s kind of a bad thing when the leader of the free world calls you a jackass. Jackass.

5. Axl Rose declines induction to Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as member of Guns N’ Roses

Oh look! It’s ANOTHER Jackass! πŸ™„

6. Testicle Squeezing In Street Fight Causes Man’s Death

Here’s the great thing about this story… she called her husband and brother over to beat the dude’s ass that was kicking her out of the parking space. They were both obviously too wimpy and this little Asian woman took matters into her own hands. Literally. πŸ˜† Another case of women doing a man’s job better than a man. Boom. Done.

7. Dentist Pulls All Ex’s Teeth Out; Anna Mackowiak Faces Jail Time

I really think Anna should not be charged. The guy is obviously stupid. Who dumps their girlfriend for another woman and then schedules a tooth extraction with the dumped one? You deserved every extraction you got, buddy! I wish I had had that option. In any case, even if she goes to jail, it will be a cake walk for her… she will be the queen shit in cell block C because I believe most women would say this is justifiable.

8. Pizza Hut unveils hot dog stuffed crust pizza, Burger King offers bacon sundae

Gross. Do people really want this stuff? I am sure they did some type of consumer poll to see if this would be a viable idea. Who are those people who said this would be what they would want to eat? Yuck!

9. Maryland McDonald’s Mega Millions wannabe ‘loses’ $105M winner

Why do we give crazy people news time? Is there really no genuine news that day? This is clearly an insane woman. Her poor kids… they want to believe her but I’m telling you… the bitch is crazy.

10. David Williams, Oklahoma Man, Accused Of Having A Meth Lab In His Pants

I sometimes feel like I am surrounded by stupid people but then I read this article and realize that there are much more stupid people out there than the ones I have to deal with… On a side note… I know meth users probably aren’t picky, but who in the hell would want to buy meth from this dude? “Dude! Is that a pubic hair in my meth? DUDE!” This is one of the reasons I can’t be a junkie, I guess.

Just sayin’

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