Wedding blues… or train wreck… whatever.

Posted: May 12, 2012 in Boys Suck!, I Suck at Life, It is What it is., Patience is a Virtue, Stabbing People is Wrong., Super Ghetto Pissed, Wasted Efforts

So my feelings are pretty hurt right now… 😦

I’m not going to apologize for feeling this way. It is what it is. He apologized but I still am feeling down about everything that went down today.

I have been very excitedly looking all over the internet and kind of half planning my future wedding to the man who i normally absolutely adore. I have ideas but I didn’t want to set anything in stone until I talked to Andrew about it. It is his first marriage and I want his wants first and foremost. So I finally got up the nerve to ask him about it…

(I say “get up the nerve” because it would be the first conversation we have had about getting married since the week he actually proposed.)

Ok, so… I ask him what he wants to do and he acts like he hasn’t actually thought about it. (yeah, right) So I press him more… he *has* actually thought about it. In fact, back in the day, he had an elaborate wedding in his mind. Of course, he won’t share that vision with me 🙄

Nope. Instead of telling me what he would like to do for his one and only wedding day that will forever unite him with the love of his life, he proceeds to tell me that it doesn’t really matter… it’s just a wedding… it’s not a big deal to him. And he repeats this in various different ways like 20 fucking times!

It’s not important.
At.
All.

AT ALL!!! Like I’m really not important at all!!!

And then… AND THEEEEENNNNN… he kept like talking about it (like that) and I had to finally tell him to stop saying that… stop saying that it wasn’t important and didn’t matter… because he was hurting my feelings… and he goes “Oh God!” and ROLLS HIS EYES!!!!!

WTMLF???

And THEN ———> He starts going on and on about how he doesn’t want to be spending all sorts of money on an event that didn’t “pay off” and how he understood now why most of his family members went the cheap route…

REALLY? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? REALLY?

So I quit talking and quietly started working on the baby book because I just didn’t know what else to say or do. I felt like I was about to burst into tears…

It’s not like I’m some little teeny booper planning my crazy uber expensive wedding of a lifetime. And I’m not a super duper romantic person who is constantly day dreaming of a fairytale Cinderella wedding… I wasn’t going for elaborate. I just wanted to include his desires for it to possibly be close to what he ideally would want for himself… and instead of just telling me that, he turned it all into a negative thing about money and how much it doesn’t mean shit to him…

Super.

Fucking awesome.

I realize there are people who have big receptions and weddings to “clean up” in the gift department. I am *NOT* one of those people. I hadn’t even considered that actually. And I never would. I see a wedding as a celebration of our love for each other and our union together. I know that sounds romantic but I think that’s a pretty universal thought for BOTH brides and grooms normally… tell me I’m wrong…

And I am a pretty cost conscious person. And given his penchant for being a non-factor in helping me with ANYTHING financial EVER, I kind of suspected that the wedding effort would be like getting a dime out of Scrooge himself. I mean, Jesus, come on! The man can’t even cough up a fucking engagement ring! Right?

But, hey, apparently I’m not worth all that… 🙄

I told him that if we are just going to look at cost as a factor, then we should just go to the courthouse and don’t do anything at all… no reception, no ceremony, nothing… I mean, what’s the point? If it means absolutely nothing to him then there’s no point…

If marrying the love of your life is just “not important”, then why get married at all? I don’t *need* to get married. I’ve done that before. HE asked ME! I assumed that meant that becoming married to me was important to him! If it’s “not a big deal” then fuck it… I don’t need to be married…

Because I want someone who thinks being married to me is a God damn privilege and that I am worth everything they hold precious and dear in their life. I totally get being cheap because I am known for being a cheapskate myself… but I would NEVER make him feel like he wasn’t worth everything to me. Never. I want only the very best for him. At any cost.

His belief is that we shouldn’t make everything complicated, too. That decorating things and planning a meal is overkill. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to pay for anything… Yeah… that’s probably it, huh? So we just shouldn’t do anything!

Because events like this cost some money… 😐 I wasn’t planning anything extravagant but it would have cost some money… and time… and work on our parts… on BOTH of our parts, not just mine… but now I know that that is all just too much work and time and money… and if we do anything that all the work will fall on MY shoulders alone because I wouldn’t want to disturb him… and now I feel like if I plan anything at all then it’s just going to fall on me and ONLY ME and not be appreciated anyway so what’s the point…

FUCK ME!

He did apologize to me when he realized how upset I was but he only apologized because I verbally told him my feelings were hurt. Otherwise, he had no clue that he was ripping my heart out… 😥

And, yes, I realize that he is just a dumbass that doesn’t get women and their feelings and never really has (which is why he was still single) so I need to cut him some slack sometimes… but really? At what point do I stop giving him slack and start beating him upside the head so his brain will rewire correctly?

I feel defeated and unworthy and now my bubble is burst and pretty dried up… I don’t even want to have a wedding at all anymore.

Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. Maybe.

😦

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