I’m just sitting around waiting for my husband to leave for work. 😦

Yes. He is working tonight. And tomorrow night. But, hey… you gotta do what you gotta do. Right?

Right now, my house is a hot mess but I don’t want to transform it until after he leaves. My plan is for him to walk in tomorrow morning and be so dazzled by the awesomeness of the house and soaked with holiday funness (is that even a word? It is now…) that he forgets all about his sorrows this season.

It’s hard to actually believe that just a few days ago we got into a huge fight about his participation as a “family” person. And by “huge fight”, I mean that he said something stupid, I got mad and said something snarky, and then I stomped off to bed. Then, we wake up the next day, he’s super nice to me, and we act like nothing happened… 😆

I feel bad now that I got so mad at him. He did a whole girl thing where he turned the argument around by bringing in a completely random subject that did not even belong there. I got frustrated and stomped off. Now I know how guys feel.

In reality, I now realize it was just a coping mechanism and a way to change the subject. He has been having some issues lately with how things have been going family wise and probably doesn’t really care to address it in any way. But, ya’ll know me… I face everything head on. I know… it’s a flaw. 😆

This blunt old me just needs to back up and let situations breathe, I guess. But it is so hard when you see a situation that will affect your son for the rest of his life. And, when you see your husband becoming resentful and angry, which really is just an underlying reaction to him being hurt. It’s hard to be silent.

And, of course, I wasn’t.

I don’t want my son growing up with a warped sense of family… I want him to know that sometimes you are the one who has to make the effort even when the other person could care less. It’s not about the other person. It’s about you as a person. I want him to understand that in this family… MY family… we MEAN SOMETHING to each other. And even if the effort is only once or twice a year, you should do it without fail. Because they are family and you love them unconditionally.

My husband had a mini temper tantrum the other day when I suggested that we go visit his brother who was next door visiting his grandmother. Like a big temper tantrum. He then went to his grandmother’s and acted like an asshole for the first 20 minutes. I called him on it later and that’s when he pulled the girl switcheroo. (I’m sorry, ladies, but you know you do it…)

I believe my husband has like 5 half siblings and 1 adopted sibling. He talks to none of them regularly. He’s kind of the odd man out. One group of siblings share a different father and the other half of the siblings share a different mother. They have those parents in common with each other and that seems to bond them much closer to each other than to my husband.

So my husband just stays on the edges… and he doesn’t engage them unless they engage him first. And, even then, he is cautious and guarded. If he feels in any way that he is being set on a path that will in any way harm him emotionally in the future, he will stop all communications and contact immediately.

This is all new to me. Even though I did not grow up with my brother, and we do not see each other but once or twice a year, I call him at least once a month and we can talk for hours on end. I truly love him unconditionally and I am interested in what is going on with him. I can not imagine not talking to him or seeing him for long periods of time.

But this is the norm in my husband’s family. It’s nothing to not see each other for extended periods of time. It’s not strange to NOT have contact information for each other. It’s a regular thing to not disclose the well being of other siblings. It’s all twilight zoney.

See what I’m saying? So, it’s hard for me to not say something… And, I will never be able to say I am okay with it. And I don’t ever want my son to be okay with it. My kids will never be able to keep me out of their lives. My grandkids will always see me on a regular basis. I expect my children to stay in touch with each other all their lives and long after I am gone. And we WILL spend the holidays together… I don’t care who hates who at the moment…

Family is important. That’s what I want my son to know. I plan to be an example of that. As I told my husband, he knew from the get go that family is VERY important to me. If he wasn’t in this with me, then he definitely shouldn’t have married me. I am trouble! 😆

But, I know it’s hard for him. I know he doesn’t want to admit that it is hurtful out loud. And I push way to hard. So I need to chill and just understand that he needs some time to process some of the hurts… and he needs to understand that just because some of his family does not show him his value, that we — me, Sean, my children, etc. — WE value him in our lives and WE are his family and this is the VALUE that we are going to instill in our son. Period. He does not have the right to be a shitty family member just because others are that way.

That said, today, I just want to thank God for my family — the good and the bad. Every single member teaches me something about life and myself and my life would not be complete without them in my life. I certainly have family members that I never speak to and possibly never will again. I wish them nothing but love and hope I do cross paths with them again one day. For those members that are stuck with me… I love you more than I could ever express in words…

family2

Merry Christmas!

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Say what you mean, Mean what you say...

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