Well, I stepped on the scale for the first time in forever and I have to say… I am extremely ashamed of myself. In the last 3 years, I have gained 40 pounds. It’s fucking ridiculous… I am ridiculous.

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I’m not stupid. I knew I had gained. I just didn’t think it was that much. 😦

So, February 2nd is my starting day again. I had planned on starting again anyway but now I am super motivated. My husband does NOT deserve to have a fat ass wife. He is super hot and he deserves at least a semi hot wife.

And, don’t give me all that bullshit about “doing it for yourself” as if that is the only way to do it “right”. Fuck you. I don’t believe that. My motivation is that I love my husband and he took a huge chance on me as I am NOT his body type at all and I am failing him. I love him dearly. He deserves so much more. My baby son also deserves a mom who can actually run and play with him, who he isn’t embarrassed to be seen with, and who will live to see him graduate and get married. If I had it my way, I would just be a smoking whale watching reality TV shows on the television all damn day… I really could care less about impressing myself… it’s the people in my life that I love who I need to do this for.

So, I have been cooking all damn night. Right now, the master plan is to get started back on Low Carb High Fat until I can switch to a ketosis stage where my hunger finally subsides. I did a trial run this morning and failed miserably… thus the marathon cooking and prep day.

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So, my new arsenal of items includes:

Turkey burgers
Hamburger and Cabbage Fry
Salmon Burgers
Meatloaf (made with only egg, parmesan, and a little coconut flour)
Some baked chicken thighs
Chicken salad
Tuna Salad
Hard Boiled Eggs
Pickle and Ham wraps

That should be good , right? Then why does it look so ick to me right now? 😆 I need to just keep that “40 pounds” in my mind right now. I have to lose 40 pounds just to get to where I was when I started dating Andrew… Fuck me.

I currently have my Bodymedia Fit Advantage charging… I hope it still works… so far it hasn’t turned on but I think that’s because the battery was fully drained. I actually can’t wait to wear it again. It’s a constant reminder that I should be eating well and not being a dumbass. 😆

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If anyone would like to join me this time around, I welcome the company. I looked over at the old EP groups and I don’t know anyone participating right now. I am a lurker on a lot of the Low Carb groups on Facebook but a lot of those people are militant and bossy. I might get in trouble with those people. 😕 So, those of you who know me well are more than welcome to join me… Well, everyone but Nate. Nate cheats. And, he’s male so he can cheat which just pisses me off even more… all this despite the fact that my balls are bigger than his. *sigh*

 

Side note: I want to thank everyone who submitted comments and sent me messages or emails in the last 30 days or so… You have brightened my outlook on so many things. It seems that everyone these days has dysfunctional families so I am no exception. I cannot believe how many people are in so much emotional anguish and no longer are able to speak with their closest family members. It’s very sad, yet comforting to know I am not alone.

I have been empowered by your stories and now see how I can sustain my own values and thrive despite not having a “parental authority” who feels the same. I know now that I am the one. I am the strength. I will be the example for my own children. And that is all I can do now… talking to someone who isn’t listening and does not care is just causing more pain and suffering than I can handle. And stress just makes you fatter… like I need that shit! 😉

Also, to everyone who brought perspective to my tenant and friend situations, especially Nate, Brenda, and Sharon… 100 times thank you! I have calmed down a bit so I have a better, more positive perspective of the situations at hand. Sometimes, good people can go mad and insane temporarily and put themselves in really shitty positions that they have a hard time navigating out of. I think it’s better to stay out of those situations now instead of trying to reason with them because they start showing you a side of them that you probably don’t want to know.

I’m going to give my tenants time to sort through their own personal shit. If they decide to continue to be white trash, then that will become apparent and they will probably exit themselves from my life on their own so there is no reason for me to intervene. I tried to reach out to my divorcing ex-BFF and she is still clammy. That’s okay. Her choice. She can live with it.

I am going to answer my other ex-BFF soon, just haven’t had the time… it helped to hear stories from some of you other Bipolar 1’s out there. I like that so many of you had compassion for your friends and family members that had to live through your experiences. It helped to hear your perspectives on that. So thank you so much for sharing. I know that isn’t easy, especially since none of you that contacted me know me personally… I’m very grateful.

That all being said…

LET’S DOOOO THIS!

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