Archive for the ‘Are you TRYING to kill me?’ Category

Don’t answer that. And don’t mess with me. I’m in a funk right now and might kill you with a dull spoon if you say anything cross-eyed.

So, I didn’t do an official weigh in this month yet because Aunt Flo came on the exact same day that I was scheduled to do that. Bitch. So now I am a bloaty whale. BLLLAAAAAHHHHHH!

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Seriously. I am having some issues this past month and the scale really hasn’t moved much. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. It’s almost like I have been PMSing for a month straight. I constantly snack. I cry over the stupidest things. I get super pissed off about stupid shit. I feel depressed but I don’t really have much to be depressed over.

I wonder if this is the start of menopause… how long does that take? I mean, is it possible that I might end up in prison? Because if it takes too long, I will probably kill someone. My research indicates that menopause can take a few years from start to finish. In which case, can I borrow some bail money? (Just getting that out of the way now….)

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But what if it’s not menopause…

Depression maybe? It has been raining like every fucking day! It’s gloomy and yucky and annoying and pisses me off and depresses me. *sigh* In general, I usually get S.A.D. pretty bad in the winter time, so that’s why I am considering that as a possible culprit.

I watched this documentary on happiness on Hulu. All these people were basically at crossroads where they were just saying, “Fuck it”. Then they would sell all their shit and do whatever they wanted. And they were all so happy. Which made me sad. 😦

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Not that I want to do that. But I have definitely seen better days professionally. If you are a manager or supervisor of people, please take some advice from a minion… take a minute of your precious fucking time to appreciate the people who are there to make you look good… and do NOT be condescending. Ever.

There is a good way to manage people and a bad way. It appears that bad managers always win. Why is that??? Do people really only perform well when they are being managed by really cold, non-team oriented people??? I just don’t get it.

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So, yeah…

Ugh. I hate being a whiny bitch! I am usually so good at looking at the bright side of things!

I need to pull my head out of my ass. I currently have a week off work. I need to use the week to get rid of that ho bag Flo and try to clear my head so I can think clearly. Hopefully my husband will still be alive in a week.

I’M KIDDING! Kind of.  But, really, I swear if he does one more inconsiderate thing to me, I will lose my shit…

PEACE!

 

So I started low carbing again on February 2nd. It’s been two weeks. I told myself that I would give myself about one month to pull myself together to make any adjustments and whatnot.

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Using the basic principles of low carb, high fat, I have lost…

(Drum Roll, Please…)

13.8 pounds!

Not too shabby. I’m not overly excited. I lost 12 pounds the first week, which was probably a shit ton of water weight. I didn’t lose anything this week until I upped my fat intake and lowered my protein intake and now I am finally down the 1.8 pounds this week. I am hoping this week goes better than that.

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I’m not trying to lose weight super quick but who the hell doesn’t like to see two pounds a week gone? I mean, honestly… I wish I could do that all the time. But I know it just is not realistic for me so I am not planning on counting on it.

In past years, I would always aim for a 30 pound weight loss per year. I did that for 2 years in a row. Then I got all happy and snuggly and pregnant and married. I know, right? WTF was I thinking?

Well, it has just crept right the hell back up there… 😡 So, now I am back at it… and am overly anxious to just get to the point I was when I started dating my husband again. Which was still morbidly obese but better than where I am at now!

I will say that I was taken aback by the weight loss I have had. I don’t know how much your body stores of water or where it stores it at but I wear a Bodymedia armband and it fell off one morning when I got out of bed. When I put it back on, it fell right off again. I finally figured out that I had to tighten it because it was too big at the adjustment I had it at. That was a good feeling… 😀

Right now, my goal is just to get back to the dating weight. Then my goal will be to hit the mark that my driver’s license says. Then, my goal will be to get one pound under the weight I was as a high school senior. I was heavier than your average teenager but I was fucking HAWT back in the day… from there, I will have to make some decisions…

Look at those legs! Sex-ay!

I haven’t really said much to anyone in real life about doing this. My grandmother-in-law knows and tells me to eat fruits and vegetables please… And my husband knows but acts like he doesn’t and keeps eating all of my “diet” food…He’s going to be disappointed this week because I bought a bunch of salad stuff. 😆

I suddenly see I have a whole group of friends and acquaintances that are all undergoing bariatric surgery. That is so discouraging to me. My insurance company sucks and my maximum out of pocket costs are high. I can’t afford to take $5000 from my budget to pay for a surgery that would force me to eat low carb! *sigh*

Aaaanywaaayy…

The big news on the home front is that my daughter’s new boyfriend, who we thought was great, dumped her. 😦 Then, we found out he was basically controlling her and being manipulative, passive aggressive, and just plain nutso. She was so heart broken. And the asshole kept posting pictures of him and the girl he had dumped her for and saying how beautiful the girl was. And then his family members liked all the posts. How low class on all of their parts.

Chelsea did nothing wrong. She did whatever he asked. She changed anything she could about herself. She felt his family really liked her. They must have… they added her to their I-Pass account so she could visit anytime. In the process of all of this, she stopped talking to all her family and friends on a regular basis. She would clam up anytime anyone tried to find out anything about what was going on with her.

She was trying to be a perfect girlfriend… and he made her feel like she was always lacking. He never once posted a picture on his facebook of the two of them together. He was always cold and fake when around her family and friends. He was always cocky. He would always criticize Chelsea on the way she talked or her thought processes… things that we as her family loved about her…

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It has been a few days now and she has reconnected with friends. She is opening up more as she comes out of the fog and sees him for who he truly is. I am just hoping he stays away and gives her a chance to find someone better, someone normal, someone sane. She deserves that. He keeps trying to string her along… but I think she’s starting to realize he’s just a cowardly douchebag. Fingers crossed!

I spoke to my brother yesterday and found out he talks to my father once or twice a week. I haven’t heard from him since the last conversation I told you about… *sigh* It’s okay. I, like my daughter, am slowly coming out of the fog my mind created of the father figure I never had to really begin with. It will be okay.

I spent my Saturday trying to convert home VCR tapes that are 20 years old to DVD. They have to play while the DVD recorder records. So many happy, happy memories. I know some of them are somewhat tainted by the fact that my ex-husband was already cheating on me in some of them, but regardless, I still see happy, contented people in all the videos, including myself. 🙂 The kids were all so cute and innocent. There were videos of all my past and present family members and it made me remember how very much I loved that family. There was even one video taken before my mom ever got sick where she is joking around with me at my Grandmother’s in Oklahoma. I am so freaking grateful that we had that video camera!

Chelsea was here while I was watching the home videos. Andy stayed out of the room. I don’t think they make him uncomfortable but I’m sure seeing his wife’s former married life is not a number one priority for him. I am very blessed that he has never been crazy jealous about my past life. My prior boyfriend was and it is impossible to erase 20 years from your life so duh. (He was a freaking idiot.)

So, I am watching these with my daughter and she’s telling me about issues people have in advanced old age (CNA talk). Then she basically tells me that I need to be DNR (a “Do Not Resuscitate” order) if I am over 80… and that’s just how it is… I’m going to a home and it will be DNR if I have any health issues… because she is not going to allow me to be bed ridden with lesions and shitting myself. I don’t know whether to be grateful or pissed off.

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Chelsea can kiss my ass!

PEACE!

Or, maybe more…

FAIR WARNING: This post contains swear words. So pull up your big girl panties or move on…

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I swear (a lot). People are effing nuts. I mean, I talk to all sorts of people all over the United States all day every day but I am pretty sure that the craziest people in the world reside right here within 30 radius miles of me.

So the biggest drama I have been dealing with is my renters. They broke up. And dragged my ass right in the middle of it. Are you ready for this? It’s somewhat Jerry Springer-ish…

Okay maybe not this bad

So, my renters are friends of mine. One was a former employee that moved here with my ex-husband and me back in 2000 and the other I met at a bachelorette party for her sister-in-law. The former employee I have known since 2000 at least and has always been there for me whenever I have asked for help. In his past, he was a selfish, lazy ass, woman mooching jerk. He has grown up a lot and I do think he is a good person at the end of the day. We used to hang out a lot when I was separated and we made sure each other got home safely on some late nights out with friends.

His significant other is from my former hometown. I went to school with her brother. I hung out with her for a bit when I was separated from my husband and we hit it off. She’s a fun girl and I always assumed she was pretty straight forward of a person. I like straight forward people. She hooked up with my former employee when I wasn’t even around and I was ecstatic for both of them because they seemed to really get along and match each other’s personalities.

Fast forward three years… My former employee is the one who came to my rescue this past summer when everyone on God’s green earth abandoned me. He carries the same value system as me and I love him like a little brother. When he asked me if I would consider renting to him, I jumped. I knew he could handle emergencies and most repair issues at the house. He and his significant other had a two year old little girl together and her children from a prior marriage.  And they seemed stable and happy! I was so relieved!

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So, I should have known something was very bad at Christmas. I went over and dropped off Christmas gifts for their family and she was the only one home, other than a couple of kids. I knew they had been fighting a bit but she was really just trashing her man, telling me he was accusing her of cheating and going off in fits of rage without warning. She also kind of acted like she had better shit to do than sit around bullshitting with me, which she had never done before.

Well, come to find out… SHE WAS CHEATING! She tells me now that it was after I saw her at Christmas and she hadn’t even considered it when she spoke with me. Complete bullshit because I happen to know she cheated like a day or two after I spoke with her. She slept with some complete stranger in Chicago, which is 2+ hours away. Now… women don’t usually fuck strangers without talking to them just a little bit for a few days first. So, I call bullshit. 😡

So, anyway, she cheats. That pissed me off because she lied right to my face and tried to make it look like my former employee/ my friend/ my brother was a nutcase.  😡 As someone quite experienced with cheating, lying bastards, I can fully understand and relate to random fits of rage for unexplainable reasons in the days or weeks leading up to a cheating discovery on his behalf. Because you fucking know… you know the person is cheating or getting ready to… but you are trying to convince yourself that it just isn’t happening… so you push all the rage back… but it pops out in little pockets, unexpectedly. That happens. I get that.

So, she came clean to my former employee and it just devastates him. Once again, I can totally relate. When someone who you completely trust down to the very bottom depths of your soul betrays you, you are decimated. Obliterated. Destroyed to the core. He did not reach out to me for three or four days and he was destroyed. I felt bad for him.

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What I felt worse about was the fact that she was wishy washy. She was not full of remorse or regret. She was half assed being apologetic and then telling him how unhappy she was for “so long”. Oh. My. Lord. 😯

DE-JA-VU!!!!!

Trigger.Trigger.Trigger. This is how I lived most of the last half of my marriage. While my ex-husband was always remorseful, he did temper that with a healthy does of “oh poor me, I am so unhappy, that’s why I keep fucking you over… but I’m sooo unhappy. WAH!”. And he did this consistently for the next 10 years… like every single day. Do you know what it does to your significant other when you tell them that you are unhappy? After you have cheated and betrayed that person? After that person has helped you completely make over your life? They start to think it’s themselves making you unhappy. They get depressed. They start hating themselves. They start thinking that if they died you would be happier. Don’t do that, you fuck!

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So, yeah, she’s telling him basically that it’s his fault that she was being a skank ass slut. Then, she starts accusing him of cheating. Go figure. He tells me this isn’t true. She claims people have told her without a doubt that it is true. 😐 I believe nothing unless one of three people on earth who I consider absolutely trustworthy tell me, so I will take his word until one of the three tells me different. I know what it’s like to be accused of cheating constantly when you know you are not.

(For all you light weights… one of the top five signs that your partner is cheating is when they start accusing YOU of cheating and you KNOW that’s not true.)

So, okay… they start trying to work it out, because almost all couples do “try” to work it out. I said for years I would walk right out the door if it ever happened to me but I didn’t. I was all talk. I stayed and tried (for way too long). So did my renters. But then, my friend comes to me and tells me some of the things his significant other is saying in conversation and things that have happened. And I realize she is trying to provoke him… on purpose… 😯

My friend/former employee is a Army veteran with PTSD issues. He can lose his temper. I have rarely seen him lose his temper around me. And, in fact, I have only actually heard of two or three times in ten years where he became so agitated that he actually yelled or threw something. I’m not saying he doesn’t do it… I’m saying he is probably prone to it, given the right conditions and environment. That doesn’t make it right, but it is what it is…

This woman was creating an environment that would subsequently cause him to lose self control! I could hear it in what he was telling me. I knew it and I told him. I told him that she was trying to get under his skin. I told him to stay calm and just make the break and be done with it. She was purposely trying to provoke him!

I really wanted her to just move on and for him to stay stable in my home. I wasn’t trying to be selfish. I just wanted him to be the stable one and her to leave since that is what she wanted anyway… All he had to do was quit listening to her and wait for her to file her taxes and let her leave.

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He didn’t listen. Some fight started after he had been drinking. I don’t know all the details. I only know what the police report said. He threw something and a part of it hit her. He was thrown in jail for domestic battery and damage to property. She had him arrested. For a fight she probably provoked.

Here’s how I feel about people who charge their family members for crimes or call the cops on them after you have provoked them for DAYS to do something rash: You are WHITE TRASH. This is not for everyone… I’m not saying you shouldn’t have your Uncle arrested for molesting your children or charge your husband or wife with battery if they are beating you in the face with their fists like you’re in Fight Club. But, people who charge people just out of vindictiveness for small things are white mother fucking trash.

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For example, one of my foster children has a juvenile FELONY record for assault because he pushed his wheelchair bound uncle away from him… hard. The uncle called the cops. The boy was then entered into the juvenile criminal system. The uncle was never charged with anything… because he was in a wheel chair, I am sure. But the real story is that the uncle was a nasty old man that carried a cane that he used to beat his sister’s children with. He would prod them and poke them, intentionally trip them, whip the back of their legs when they least expected it… Maybe he was just ignorant, but really… did he never expect these children to grow up and decide one day to not take it anymore? So, at 11 years old, he had his nephew charged for a crime he provoked into being. That man is white mother fucking trash.

To me, this woman provoked my friend… for days… maybe even a few weeks… to lose his shit and throw a Wii console. Not at her… at a wall. When the console broke, a game/dvd flew out and hit her. Domestic battery is not an easy thing to get out of and it will probably be a part of his record now FOREVER. They have a daughter together. She didn’t need to charge him. The woman has family all over the damn county. She could have left long ago, got a restraining order without charging him, and never spoke to him again… but hey, charging him is so much better…

I just have different values…  And, don’t you think for one second that I don’t know what I’m talking about because I have never been in that situation. I have actually been in worse situations, more than once in my lifetime… I chose a different path… because having the father of my children charged with something that cannot be amended in any way and becomes a permanent scar on them is too serious of a responsibility. I would be ashamed of pressing charges especially if I knew I had provoked him, full well knowing his mental limitations. I did not provoke what happened to me and I still didn’t have him charged.

Once again, this is not for serious assault cases or in cases where someone repeatedly abuses someone physically… I completely understand those situations and agree that protecting yourself and your family from serious physical harm is essential is some cases. I do not believe this to be the case here.

So, anyway, now she is staying in the house. My house. And he is in jail… or was… I have no idea where he is now… I hope he is choosing to start a new life far away from her. They both need to stay away from each other.

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After all this happened, she hacked his Facebook and read all my messages to him. Then tried to confront me about it all and straight up continued to lie to me about it. I just told her exactly what I thought while trying to stay classy. I really did at one time think this woman was a friend to me. She’s not. I can’t be friends with someone that cannot just admit when they did something like that… because it shows disrespect to me to think I am that stupid. Besides, there is absolutely no way I can support the decision to call the cops for that situation.

Her message to confront me was full of the usual cheater excuses of unhappiness and how cruel he was… and how she wasn’t letting anyone treat her that way… And how I should ask so and so to confirm this. And how her brother (one of the loudest, most obnoxiously honest, up front and to the point people I have ever known in my life… and that’s a compliment…) could tell me what a rat her man was… really??? So why didn’t her brother confront the man himself? Because the brother I know would definitely have said something…

Listen up, Ladies… if your man is not respecting you and makes you feel unhappy, unloved, or unwanted, LEAVE. Walk right the hell out. Especially if you have nearby family who is supposedly witness to all the wrongdoings committed against you… WHY WOULD YOU STAY???? Apparently so you can provoke them to leave… so much more fun that way…

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So that was about 6 weeks of drama right there. Additional dramas?

One of my ex-BFFs contacted me out of the blue stating that she finally got her husband to leave and how should she go about filing for divorce. First of all, hel-lo… I haven’t heard from you in forever. Yes, I’m doing great. Yada, yada, yada… Second of all, I am the LAST person you should ask about how to do a divorce… mine took forever and cost and arm and three legs for NOTHING. What little I did get awarded, I never actually received and probably never will. You should probably ask someone who did it more successfully than me. 😕

By the way, this woman was actually verbally abused severely for many years. I know this because I witnessed it. She had the cops at her house on more than one occasion and she filed a temporary restraining order once in the last 2 years or so just to create some space for her to think. She never had him charged with anything and he threw shit all over the damn house… kicked her car door in… made an ass out of himself… but she never had him charged. I will give her that at least. She had some class and knew that her children would have this father as their father forever no matter what. Having him charged with damage to property was not going to help their perception of him… he was doing a fine job all by himself…

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My other ex-BFF just out of the blue contacted me and apologized. I have not yet answered her yet and am still contemplating on what to do. I miss her a lot but she is a Bipolar 1 and just went through an “episode”… it was an extended 8 month episode and involved me to some extent in that she accused me of having an affair with her husband. Several times. 😐

While I completely understand the bipolar part of everything, and I am actually very sympathetic to the journey so many bipolar people have to take, it was jarring to have someone who either wasn’t married to me or whom I did not give birth to, treat me so badly over paranoia. And I’m not sure how comfortable I am with making myself open to being attacked again in that way. She says she is better… but she told me that once before… 😦

So that’s where I have been… what I have been doing… where my head has been at… stuck in a all girl, junior high after school Jerry Springer TV special… Now you know…

Bet you wish you didn’t, huh?

😛

So my tenant moved out of the home I truly love and completely trashed the place. The dude told my daughter’s boyfriend that he left behind NOTHING that wasn’t already there when I left.

Uh. Yeah. Right.

Basement Main Level Upstairs

I rented houses and apartments for 20 years. I NEVER left a rental property like this. Ever!

What in the fuck are people thinking? And how do people live like this? Do you see that children’s bedroom? It was NASTY! There was ground up dirt and dog poop everywhere.  😡

The kitchen I personally and almost entirely by myself remodeled was trashed beyond recognition. 😦 Broken drawers and cabinets… the floor felt like it had syrup attached to it. Open food in every drawer and cabinet (of every room in the house, I might add). Mice droppings everywhere. There was an actual gallon milk container of urine stashed in a corner!

WHO DOES THAT?

It is obvious that their mouse problem was due to the excessive amounts of open food everywhere… every single room, closet, drawer, counter had food on it or in it. We cleared the entire house of food and have not seen or heard one mouse or any droppings.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Seriously. How can you live like that? How can you raise children in that? They had 4 children living like that! It was absolutely disgusting.

I hate being a landlord. If I had the money to reside my house and replace all the flooring, I would sell that sucker in a split second… because I am not cut out to be a landlord and deal with such disgusting human beings destroying the home I loved so very much. 😥

It may not be much but it was my pride and joy. I put alot of sweat and tears into that place. I have many wonderful family memories there. I also have many bad memories. But it is all a part of me and a part of who I have become. I love it just as much today as I did when I first bought it.

Everyone else… my children, my ex-husband, my father… they all see the home as an albatross for me. I just don’t see it that way. If i felt like I had a choice, I would move right back into it today. It is my last remaining possession from my past that I truly love. My new husband is not a man that handles change well so he is never going to willingly move there… but it’s there anyway. And it’s mine. The good and the bad.

I have now spent about 10 days straight just working on cleaning the house enough to be able to call contractors in to fix it up. I was too embarrassed to call anyone to work on the place when it was such a sticky, icky mess.

I had originally taken a week vacation already in order to spend Chelsea’s birthday week with her. Poor Chelsea. We spent the entire week cleaning. She was a pretty good sport about it, though… such a good daughter. I am lucky with that one.

James also came and helped but he could only spend one day because he was (gasp!) working at his new job… Yeah, that whole factory thing was “killing” him so he found a new job… in air conditioning. 😆 But he’s happier and I am happy for him. He still is acting like  a 16 year old most of the time, but hey, small steps, eh?

Anyway, we have cleaned and cleared most of the house. My carpal tunnel has come back with a vengeance and my hands barely work  right now without numbing up. I am taking a break for about 3 days and hope they recover. Any tips on managing it holistically would be appreciated, peeps!

I’m just getting too old for this shit. And doing it entirely alone has been so stressful and demoralizing. I love my husband but he just sucks at manual labor anything. Period. I hired babysitters for long extra hours and he would come help me for like 2 hours and be “so tired”. Really? I worked 8-10 hours a day straight through… I wish I had the luxury of being tired. 🙄

That pissed me off but then I realized that he really just isn’t good at this kind of stuff. He hates it and he is too unsure of himself when doing it so then I have to constantly supervise and direct him. It’s easier to just have him stay with the baby while I get stuff done. I paid a fortune for extra sitter time when he could have just done it.

I’m not saying he wasn’t helpful. Don’t get me wrong. And I love the guy… he does try… 😆 He just sucks at it. Kind of like the way I suck at losing weight… I try hard and **nada**.

Which reminds me…. I worked my ASS OFF for 10 days. I sweat buckets of sweat daily. I only ate once a day and drank a shitload of watered down Diet Pepsi… and I did not lose one ounce in weight. Whhaaaaattttheeeefuuuccccckkkkk???? 😯

In other news, my father is still getting married and he is no longer speaking with me. He just doesn’t understand why I am so upset and he should get to do whatever he wants with my full support. Um. No. I can disagree if I want… especially since we agreed on a different approach and you went back on your word… but whatever… I’m nobody… go do whatever.

Okay. It’s super late. I have to go. I know this was just a quick posting, but I promise to post soon again because I am in the middle of a bathroom remodel that I also have done almost entirely alone… so I am pretty damn proud of it. Oh!  And, you know all those Pinterest post on how to clean carpet stains? Yeah. I am trying ALLLLLLL of them on that one Child’s Bedroom so stay tuned to see which remedies really do actually work! HA!

😀

PEACE!!!

Are you shitting me????
(no pun intended.)

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Do you know how much freaking ground turkey I have eaten in the last 8 weeks?

😯 W.T.F.????? 😯

Okay beeotches… I get it! I’m getting off my fat ass and will start gettin’ shit done!

Right after this weekend…. 😉

Love you all! Muah!!!

😀

1. I tried to apologize to Joanne. She decided I am a piece of shit and doesn’t want anything to do with me. All over me yelling at her for taking a dog to a kill shelter instead of giving me a chance to find it a good home. Because apparently she only values friends that never disagree with her and will be fake to her face. Which is why I was her only friend. 🙄 (Sorry, I’m a little bitter…)

2. Should I be worried that my fiance is discussing 50 Shades of Grey with another woman? I’ve never read it so I just don’t know… 😐

3. I currently weigh only 3 pounds more than I did when I first started dating Andy. But I look way dumpier. WTF. 😯

4. My photographer just now bailed on me for the wedding. I think I’m going to throw up.

5.  My wedding dress zipper is broke. And I need a super long zipper that is normally special order by Tuesday or I have no freaking dress!

6.  I have to work on Labor Day… yeah… because everyone does their financial crap on Labor Day. For sure.

7. My dog is at the pound right now because I live in the freaking boondocks where the dog catcher just works whenever he feels like it. Asshole.

It is the beginning of the week I am supposed to get married to the rock in my life and I am wigging the fuck out!

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!