Archive for the ‘Beyond Lazy’ Category

I know I have been MIA. I have been so frustrated with this stall I am in and just really didn’t know what to say. I was hoping I could break it and be all like, “Look at how fucking smart I am!”


But I’m not smart, apparently. Because I am still stalled.


I am not perfect by far. But I am determined. Every time I do low carb, I get stalled at around 40 pounds. I get frustrated and pissed off and abandon the plan for low calorie/high carb. I’m not doing that this time. Mostly because I’m stubborn and now I feel like I have a vendetta against my rebellious body.


So, I have just been trudging on. And not losing.

Here’s the things I think are holding me back:

1. Not enough sleep
3. Fucking POPCORN!
4. Too much snacking
5. Using net carbs

One of the battles I seem to be having lately is insomnia. Is this a side effect of menopause? Someone tell me now! It’s killing me. Last week, I spent one night laying wide awake in bed until 4:45am and then my kid woke up at 8am. This is not conducive to weight loss. GRRRR!


Lately, I have been craving sweets. This is not me. I am not a sweet eater. I got fat eating onion rings, french fries, fried chicken, pasta, risotto, enchiladas, and tacos. But my one sweet spot in my heart is reserved for chocolate peanut butter ice cream. So I can’t have that low carb ice cream around because I could eat a quart in a week easily and it has ALOT of sugar alcohols. So I came up with a brilliant idea to use one tablespoon of sugar free chocolate chips mixed in with all natural peanut butter.

Now, overall, this is low carb… but not when you eat 4 tablespoons of peanut butter with it. Because 4 tablespoons is like 11 grams of carbs! That’s half of my carb allowance in general for the day! WTF? And I keep doing it! Someone stop me!



The ONE thing that I miss on low carb more than anything in the whole wide world is bad, bad GMO popcorn with lots of real butter. And I can’t eat just a cup or two. I need to eat the whole damn bowl!

My husband and I watch and go to movies all the time. It’s like our thing. And movie theaters do not sell ANYTHING low carb. Jerky and pork rinds are NOT theater food. So shut your face if that’s your solution…


In general, I do fine all day until I get off work. After I get my kid to bed, I am starving… I eat something… and then another something… and then some peanut butter… and then another something… GAH!

When I did low calorie/high carb, this was something I could work around. However, most of the items on low carb are high calorie or high protein. So I am constantly fucking my whole macro plan up! It’s so frustrating because I *know* what I am doing AS I am doing it!

I usually talk myself into snacking by making sure it’s low carb. But if it’s low carb, it’s usually high protein! Which just turns into glucose anyway! FML!


For example, just now, I went and grabbed a chicken leg from the frig… I’m already at 80g of protein for the day! I didn’t need to eat the fucking chicken leg!

So this is how I am currently spiraling out of control. I do have a plan to stop it.

To Be Continued…



I have been a bit stressed and busy lately so I haven’t had a chance to update my long time readers. Sorry about that, peeps! If you are just a casual reader here, then you may wish to skip this post… it has nothing to do with diet or weight loss or food in any way…


So, today was Father’s Day… we didn’t do much here. Just sat around watching TV and doing cooking for the week. I had already sent a card to my father and son. I gave my husband a card and bought him some new uniforms online. Woo hoo! Exciting, eh?

There really isn’t very much going on in my personal life lately. I have become pretty boring. Considering the drama filled, emotional extravaganza I encountered on my trip to boringville, I won’t bitch about having a boring life right now. 😉


My adult son did call me today. Freaking the hell out because the cell phone he insists on getting is $100 more than he thought it would be. Really. He was out of his mind crazy upset about it. And, no. He is not on his medication at the moment. But he’s an adult now. He needs to manage that shit on his own. I can’t do it for him. He obviously needs it…

My daughter has just entered a new relationship with a new guy. I haven’t met him yet but she says he’s okay. That remains to be seen… I am suspect after the last guy who looked perfect and turned out to be a narcissistic asshole. 😐 She is almost done with her Associate’s degree. Finally. It has only taken her 4 years to complete community college. I love the girl, but really? 😆

My husband’s diabetic 85 year old grandmother has now returned from a trip to Tennessee. She is always telling me how she is on a no carb diet but is constantly eating fruit and having a “teeny bit” of cake or cookies. It frustrates me to no end. I don’t want to be mean to her but this is a life or death thing for her. I hate that she doesn’t listen when you tell her stuff.

She isn’t my grandmother and I don’t feel right bossing her around, but I feel like shaking some sense into her. Old habits die hard, I guess. I hope that I will not ever be NOT willing to listen and learn new things when I am 85 years old. She doesn’t seem to understand that if she needs low carbs and moderate protein, then all that’s left is fat. She’s lived a lifetime of the government telling her fat is bad so I guess I get it. I tell her about all the new research and she still doesn’t listen.

Also, I pray to God that I am not worrying about my weight when I am 85 years old. Seriously. That is a major concern for her. She absolutely does not want to gain weight. Now… granted… gaining weight would not be advantageous to her health at all. BUT… her health is not really her concern. Her concern is gaining weight, period. UGH!

Work has been extra stressful with the departure of my old manager. My new manager is very much like that prior manager that went 6 months not speaking to me. (Or vice versa… whatever…) I do not have a good vibe about this at all.

I am now starting to think about what I should do in my next chapter of life… like what new career I should have. The thing is, I would love to be a stay at home mom full time, but I am so not a believer in women being dependent in any way on a man. Ever. So I need to figure out a new career.

I keep hoping I will have an epiphany of some sort that helps guide me but it’s just not happening. I have considered taking a CNA class since CNAs can always find work somewhere and I would be okay with wearing scrubs every day… 😆 I have also considered trying to start a Virtual Assistant business but I hate selling myself. The long range of that seems to not be very stable… although I believe that the perfectionist in me would make me awesome at it.

I considered going back to college but what pisses me off about college is that I would have to take about a million of those 090 classes, which don’t even count towards college credit, to even bring myself up to speed. That pisses me off. I mean, I work with numbers every single day of my 40ish years of  life and I have yet to use any algebra from 8th grade beyond the first week or two of that instruction. WHY do I need to take MORE?


I have worked for 30 years straight this year. I’m so tired of working. I’m especially tired of “having” to work in order to survive. I know… I’m whining… fuck. I really just hate that I haven’t been able to CHOOSE to work, I guess. I would love the luxury.

My brother has found a great new girl and she came with two additional little girls. I knew he wouldn’t be single long. The good and stable guys never are. As much as I was sure he was going to end up being a carbon copy of my father, I am so proud that he has really grown over the last few years and is totally not. I was preparing to be basically family-less but he has really turned that around and we are closer than we ever have been. That’s real hard when you have a 12 year age difference!

My father is living well with his new wife. We have occasional brief and awkward phone calls where he is always trying too hard to get off the phone as quickly as possible and I’m trying to keep the conversation going. Oh well. I’m trying! :/

So, that’s the update on my life right now. All boring and bland but I had received a few messages asking me how things were going.



SUM UP: Stagnant but I’m okay with that. Need new career ideas.


Not as good as I hoped but still met my modest goal:


That is 5 pounds for the month, but get this… 8 inches overall gone in one month! So that’s positive right? I wish it was all in my waistline, but the majority of it was between my neck and my thighs so it all works out eventually, I guess. 🙂

I haven’t really been exercising much but I am starting to walk a bit. And we are getting ready to remodel the living room, so I hope that will burn off some fat. Of course, last year, I redid my entire rental property almost entirely alone until the end and I didn’t lose a damn thing! :/ Since this remodel is more for pleasure than necessity, I am hoping the weight loss will come with it.

Stress continues to make me appear pregnant. I am really having a hard time getting 8 hours of sleep in. In fact, I have not once gotten 8 hours in. I usually log 4-5 hours tops. Once in a blue moon, I will hit 6-7 hours. I have read that this is a major factor in belly weight. I really need to figure out how to make myself sleep longer!

I have tried melatonin 10mg and it really did nothing for me. I am scared to try anything stronger because I need to wake up and be alert pretty quickly. My husband occasionally takes sleep aids to catch up on sleep (he’s a third shifter) and he told me that it often takes him much longer to fully wake up after taking those.

I hear conflicting reports about exercising before bed. Most people say that energizes them and wakes them up. When I have exercised in the past, I am usually dead ass tired after. I thought maybe doing my walks (which I could turn into turtle paced jogs eventually) before bed may exhaust me to the point of being able to fall asleep right away and stay asleep.

I do think I have sleep apnea. However, my deductible on my health insurance is $1000. I don’t have that. So a medically supervised sleep study is absolutely not within reach right now. 😦

So, yeah… that’s about where I am at right now. Nothing exciting to report.

Some people have sent me comments requesting me to regularly post meal plans. I am kind of an irregular type of person so I don’t know about doing it “regularly” but I will try to remember to do it when I post a new menu on my frig. Here’s my current one:

Sorry it’s such a horrible picture… I took it with my cell phone. But you get the idea. I have a few “emergency” snacks, which I use VERY sparingly. For example, the Russell Stover Toffee Squares I have maybe one or two squares a week. A full serving is 3. I eat 1/4 C. of pecans maybe once every 2 weeks, if that. I haven’t even had one of the Atkins shakes yet but they are in my frig and have been for a month now. The quesadillas will be limited because the tortilla has 9 gross and 4 net carbs… I am just trying to find a way to get rid of the package at this point…

I have had a lot of traffic on the blog lately so I have had a lot of newcomers ask why their comments don’t show up on my posts. I am pretty active in a couple of online communities and have a mirror post in one of those communities. I don’t spend an enormous amount of time online like I used to. Going through every comment was very tedious at one point. And some of my online friends are high maintenance (cough *nate* cough) so they like to comment. Alot.

All of that to just say… I’m fucking lazy. There it is, folks. I don’t approve posts because I am lazy. But I will try to stop being lazy. I tell you what… I will approve posts that I think are good and relevant (most of you newcomers are fine!). If they are comments touting your new and improved diet plan, your comment is OUT! If you are an EPer and you already made the comment on the mirror blog, I will not reapprove it here… If you are just being a pest and using excessive exclamation points and capital letters (cough *nate* cough), then I will NEVER approve your comment. Period. Because you are annoying. I love you but you’re annoying.

Also, I post about my personal internal struggles here, and people relate to that alot and send me comments detailing their own personal struggles. I probably won’t approve those comments. It’s not that I don’t love hearing from you, because I do. Please do NOT stop doing that! But, I really feel that there are many who give me a very intimate piece of their lives sometimes and I don’t know if you really want that on blast here. If you don’t care, tell me that and I’ll approve it, but otherwise, it will remain between you and me. Pinky promise! 😉

I’ll end my post with a recipe. I have sausage gravy and english muffins on my list above. I love sausage gravy and biscuits! I mean, really… who doesn’t? I’m not real trusting of all those almond flour biscuit recipes because there’s like a shit ton of almonds in one cup of almond flour. So I finally found an acceptable substitute using coconut flour in a Muffin-in-a-minute recipe modified from the recipe by Stacey at Here’s my version:


Instructions: Basically, dump it all in a PAM sprayed coffee mug (I just used a standard size mug) and nuke in the microwave for 1 minute. Mine turns out perfect but you may need to adjust the time depending on the power of your microwave. When it’s done, turn the mug upside down on a plate and it usually just slides right on out. I usually let it cool a bit that way. Then, cut in half and pan fry on each side. Perfecto!

My version is not nearly as sweet as other versions. I wanted a more savory muffin. And, although it looks eggy, it did not taste eggy. So don’t be scared! It tastes good! It’s not a real english muffin. It’s more dense. But it was perfect for this recipe. And only 2 NET CARBS!

Now, for the gravy:

Brown your crumbled up pork sausage in a regular old skillet over medium to medium high heat. Drain off all but 2 teaspoons of sausage grease (you’ll have to eyeball this, I guess). Once browned, sprinkle in the coconut flour and stir well to coat all the sausage pieces and soaf up some of the grease. Add the 1/2 cup of water and the dash or two of Worcestershire Sauce. Now add the 1/2 cup of heavy whipping cream (that’s what 8 tablespoons is…). Heat over medium heat well. Once heated through, sprinkle the Xanthan Gum in 1/4 teaspoon at a time (I ended up using a full teaspoon) until thickened. It will take a minute or two for it to thicken up. I like mine pretty thick. If it gets too thick for you, just add a little water to thin it out a bit. Stir it up well so the fats don’t separate. Load 1/2 of the pan contents onto the awesome 2 slices of pan toasted muffin. Only 3 NET CARBS! MMM HMMMM!


So seriously awesome!

Disclosure: This is a high fat, high calorie meal at 701 calories and 63 grams of fat. However, it is what I would consider moderate protein depending on the sausage you use (17 grams total protein) and only 5 NET CARBS! Winner, winner, sausage gravy and biscuit dinner!


Well, I stepped on the scale for the first time in forever and I have to say… I am extremely ashamed of myself. In the last 3 years, I have gained 40 pounds. It’s fucking ridiculous… I am ridiculous.


I’m not stupid. I knew I had gained. I just didn’t think it was that much. 😦

So, February 2nd is my starting day again. I had planned on starting again anyway but now I am super motivated. My husband does NOT deserve to have a fat ass wife. He is super hot and he deserves at least a semi hot wife.

And, don’t give me all that bullshit about “doing it for yourself” as if that is the only way to do it “right”. Fuck you. I don’t believe that. My motivation is that I love my husband and he took a huge chance on me as I am NOT his body type at all and I am failing him. I love him dearly. He deserves so much more. My baby son also deserves a mom who can actually run and play with him, who he isn’t embarrassed to be seen with, and who will live to see him graduate and get married. If I had it my way, I would just be a smoking whale watching reality TV shows on the television all damn day… I really could care less about impressing myself… it’s the people in my life that I love who I need to do this for.

So, I have been cooking all damn night. Right now, the master plan is to get started back on Low Carb High Fat until I can switch to a ketosis stage where my hunger finally subsides. I did a trial run this morning and failed miserably… thus the marathon cooking and prep day.


So, my new arsenal of items includes:

Turkey burgers
Hamburger and Cabbage Fry
Salmon Burgers
Meatloaf (made with only egg, parmesan, and a little coconut flour)
Some baked chicken thighs
Chicken salad
Tuna Salad
Hard Boiled Eggs
Pickle and Ham wraps

That should be good , right? Then why does it look so ick to me right now? 😆 I need to just keep that “40 pounds” in my mind right now. I have to lose 40 pounds just to get to where I was when I started dating Andrew… Fuck me.

I currently have my Bodymedia Fit Advantage charging… I hope it still works… so far it hasn’t turned on but I think that’s because the battery was fully drained. I actually can’t wait to wear it again. It’s a constant reminder that I should be eating well and not being a dumbass. 😆


If anyone would like to join me this time around, I welcome the company. I looked over at the old EP groups and I don’t know anyone participating right now. I am a lurker on a lot of the Low Carb groups on Facebook but a lot of those people are militant and bossy. I might get in trouble with those people. 😕 So, those of you who know me well are more than welcome to join me… Well, everyone but Nate. Nate cheats. And, he’s male so he can cheat which just pisses me off even more… all this despite the fact that my balls are bigger than his. *sigh*


Side note: I want to thank everyone who submitted comments and sent me messages or emails in the last 30 days or so… You have brightened my outlook on so many things. It seems that everyone these days has dysfunctional families so I am no exception. I cannot believe how many people are in so much emotional anguish and no longer are able to speak with their closest family members. It’s very sad, yet comforting to know I am not alone.

I have been empowered by your stories and now see how I can sustain my own values and thrive despite not having a “parental authority” who feels the same. I know now that I am the one. I am the strength. I will be the example for my own children. And that is all I can do now… talking to someone who isn’t listening and does not care is just causing more pain and suffering than I can handle. And stress just makes you fatter… like I need that shit! 😉

Also, to everyone who brought perspective to my tenant and friend situations, especially Nate, Brenda, and Sharon… 100 times thank you! I have calmed down a bit so I have a better, more positive perspective of the situations at hand. Sometimes, good people can go mad and insane temporarily and put themselves in really shitty positions that they have a hard time navigating out of. I think it’s better to stay out of those situations now instead of trying to reason with them because they start showing you a side of them that you probably don’t want to know.

I’m going to give my tenants time to sort through their own personal shit. If they decide to continue to be white trash, then that will become apparent and they will probably exit themselves from my life on their own so there is no reason for me to intervene. I tried to reach out to my divorcing ex-BFF and she is still clammy. That’s okay. Her choice. She can live with it.

I am going to answer my other ex-BFF soon, just haven’t had the time… it helped to hear stories from some of you other Bipolar 1’s out there. I like that so many of you had compassion for your friends and family members that had to live through your experiences. It helped to hear your perspectives on that. So thank you so much for sharing. I know that isn’t easy, especially since none of you that contacted me know me personally… I’m very grateful.

That all being said…



I should really start doing video blogs because I am just so lazy these days.

Actually… I’m stressed. And tired… and lazy… 😆


So here’s the 4-1-1 on moi:

1. Working like a DOG!

Seriously. I am working as efficiently as I can. And I am still failing by my company’s standards. I swear that they are setting me up to fail. I am super efficient. Super trained. Super multi-tasking. Super smart. And Super Worthy-Of-Any-Company’s-While… but the standards that my company wants me to meet are impossible. I absolutely love my job and I am a loyal, dedicated employee… but I have a sneaky suspicion that my company is plotting against me! Just when I am feeling super confident and getting into a groove, they find something else to pile on and kick me in the ribs! It’s so frustrating! I have already warned my children to be prepared… Mama maybe be unemployed soon. 😦

2. I have resigned myself to the family I’ve got.

I spent my Thanksgiving with the family members that mean the most to me and feel the same way about me and that’s what counts. The other family members that chose to exclude themselves made that choice by themselves. They are grown ass adults. If they want to be alone in life, so be it. I’m going to quit wishing it were different. All I can do is show my son how real family is supposed to act, even when their own family doesn’t do the same. Because it’s not about that… you can only control yourself and what you do… and you only really have to live with yourself at the end of the day. I choose to live my life treating my family members in a caring way that shows them that I appreciate them, their company, and their input in my life.

3. Fuck Black Friday.

It’s dead. You know that, right? They fucking killed it! I used to love going out at the butt crack of dawn and standing in line, drinking hot cocoa, and chatting with all the other crazy ass parents in line at Toys R Us. I would shop all morning, and my girlfriends and I would finish up the day with an amazing lunch out, drinking margaritas! Loved that! Now? Well, now it all starts a week ahead of time! And, everyone is out to screw each other over. And, people will actually punch and bite to get what they want. And, my employer actually blacked out the possibility for employees to take that day off… just us peon employees… not the managers apparently… I did all my shopping online. My office currently is stacked with boxes EVERYWHERE! My husband is not a fan… because, although I call it MY office, it was actually HIS office first… 😐

4. Fuck Pre-Lit Trees!

Pre-Lit My Ass!

5. I quit smoking and turned into one of those tree hugger type people.

Okay, not quite… but I did finally stop smoking real cigarettes. Now I smoke the fake ones. On Black Friday, I was able to get a deal on a e-cigarette starter kit for like 40% off online. I figured I could try it. And it is working quite well! I never really quit smoking. I got down to maybe one every few days during my pregnancy and when I was breast feeding, but when the rental property exploded in my face this past summer, I became a full force smoking machine again. Well, my husband had a co-worker die from lung cancer and he has been telling me sad stories about it. He is not a sentimental or emotional attached person in any way so I knew he kept talking about it to make a point. His point was: “I know you are smoking, you sneaky little bitch! Stop it before you die on me and I have to raise our kid alone!” So… yeah. I got it. But now, I have to hang out in all the “vaping” (that’s the stupid word they use for the act of smoking a e-cigarette) forums just to research and find out stuff I want to know because I am geeky that way… and I don’t want to be inhaling new carcinogens so I hang out in the “organic” groups as well… with a-l-o-t of hippie environmentalists… like ALOT! They wouldn’t call themselves that… but they so are… I almost feel bohemian! Unfortunately, I am still way too commercially tainted to ever pass muster… I kinda feel like one of those loser creeps that hangs around people who don’t want him around. Oh well.

6. My kid is toy deprived.

So, all my kid’s toys fit in one of those 18 gallon Tupperware containers. Seriously. No joke. I think my husband has been throwing them out or something! I feel like the kid is lacking child related stimulation, and now, I feel bad! I hope he gets lots of toys for Christmas… My husband is very picky, though. For example, he doesn’t think the kid should have blocks because he will throw them or hit us with them. Uhhhhh…. whaaaaat? So I am totally getting him blocks. And not just little blocks but big huge freaking massive blocks he can build castles with! He’s too young to be rebellious so I’ve got to do it for him. Poor little guy!Always in trouble with Daddy!

7. Fatness is contagious.

So, my husband has caught my fatness… at least, that’s what he is acting like. Duh. He keeps getting on the scale and he’s like 196 pounds. With clothes on. At 6 foot tall. And he is aghast! And he’s being serious. Even though I’m laughing, which I am sure he does not appreciate. But, really? The man has more willpower than anyone I know. He will go on a tuna sandwich diet for two weeks and be 15 pounds lighter. I hate him for that! 😆 And, he doesn’t SAY that it’s my fault but I feel like it is because I have been cooking on the weekends… but, really, it’s his own damn fault… He bought a whole package of Oreo Mint cookies and left my son ONE from the whole package, which means my husband ate the rest of the package BY.HIM.SELF! You can’t do that and then get on the scale three days later and act like you’re all pissed that you gained weight. I mean, COME ON!

8. New Year’s Resolutions…

Has everyone started planning? Nate has already made ten statements over at EP of things he will never be able to keep up with… like making nice with his brother… like THAT will happen… or not drinking martinis after 9pm… ummmm… sure… he should be easy to whoop in Canasta now… 😆 I am setting myself up for another year of failure as well so I shouldn’t pick on Nate too bad… I do plan to really recommit to myself to just take care of myself. Quitting smoking is the first thing… but I also want to totally be nicotine free by the end of 2014. E-cigarettes have nicotine in them but no chemical soaked tobacco. You can wean down to no nicotine, though. I am also going to try a new diet strategy since I am bored with the old one. My old ass body needs a kick in the ass, I believe. I also want to commit to putting on make up every damn day. It makes you feel better to do that, but when you work from home, it’s so easy to just skank yourself up for way too long. For example, I have worn these pajama pants I have on for three days straight now… ugh! Don’t judge… It is what it is…

9. I am already sick of snow. And cold. And I don’t like rain either.

Yeah. I’m whining. I just want to be somewhere where the weather is mild year round… no torrential downpours. No bitterly cold wind chills. No buckets of snow. No hurricanes, typhoons, tornados, or blizzards. WHERE IS THIS MYSTICAL PLACE?! Let me know… I need it. And I may be unemployed soon so I might have some free time on my hands… 😉

10. Quit being stingy! GIVE!

One of the things I do every single day of my life is listen to other people’s problems. It makes me humble and feel blessed to have what little I do have and not want for too much because there is always someone else so much worse off. I know it has been a rough year for so many of us. And I suspect, since I was already informed of such at my job, that 2014 may be even worse… but I hope that everyone can take some time this Christmas to give back to someone in need. Commit a random act of kindness, donate your time, listen to a friend or neighbor, or… just cough up some cash. My absolutely favorite charity this year is . This charity is to give to every day people who just need a small helping hand this season. All the hardships are verified by the organization and you can even donate small amounts and it can really be life changing for the recipients that are being helped. I hope you’ll consider giving to them and take some time to read some of the stories… these are exactly like the people I speak with every day… they could be your neighbor, your friend’s cousin, your mom’s elderly friend… you never know… everyone’s got problems, but sometimes a small token can help them push through the hard times. Go now.


I just cried watching The Search for Santa Paws. Fucking PMS.

Been a bit since I checked in and Nate is emailing me INCESSANTLY wondering if I am dead or possibly going the crazy cat lady route so I figured… eh? I’d better check in.


What’s up!? 😀

Yep. Me, too. Work and sleep. Sleep and work. That’s what my life consists of mostly. 😆

I’m kinda boring. I guess I can see Nate’s point on the crazy cat lady business…

I’m still slaving away at work. I read some recent study that said people in the U.S. are more stressed at work than ever before. 83%! That means MOST people are  super stressed! The reasons cited in the article were shitty pay and being worked like dogs (which is one of those “sayings” that doesn’t make sense. My dog lays around all damn day. She doesn’t work at all. Migrant workers would be a better word. Those people work their asses off!).


Anyway, this greatly saddens me that not only myself but 83% of Americans feel so stressed and ultimately I believe that stress can sink you into unhappiness. So 83%… okay, let’s lower it and assume some of the stressed out people still like their jobs, so… 75% of  people are eventually going to plummet into unhappiness. WTF? That’s depressing. 😦

Aren’t you glad you stopped by today? Woo Hoo!

I have recently decided to completely give up on making people be a part of my family. You know, people who are SUPPOSED to actively be a part of my family. Screw it. I cannot handle having to tell someone when they should care about someone they share DNA  with, when they should treat a family member better than some stranger on the street, when they should come and visit. Seriously. If you don’t know how to do that by now and you are grown ass adult, I can’t help you. 🙄


I understand that some people just don’t have the “family” gene in them. I get that because I was born to two parents who did not have that within them. But… I somehow miraculously got that gene. It must be a mutant deformed gene because my other family members just “think” they have it but they don’t. And I’m okay with that. We have an understanding and I accept that.

That being said… even my own family members like my brother and father seem to understand the very basics of having a family they ultimately love even if they can’t be near me. My father will call me or email me if I get too busy. My brother and I only talk a few times a year but I can confidently say that we are as close as we could be considering my brother has a weird “emotional distancing” gene in his body. We always start our phone conversations like we just spoke last week. Then, we talk for hours. And, we always hang up the phone acting like we are going to talk to each other next week even though it may be months away. Just typing that out… I can feel the love for my baby bro! 🙂


I knew from the get go with my new husband that his feelings about family were mired in resentment and disappointment. I knew from the beginning that I wanted to never ever be that for him. Ever. What I have come to learn about him is that even though he felt that on the surface about his family he had this underlying HOPE that he would eventually prove himself wrong. That, maybe, he was wrong and he could actually rely on his family. That he could have close normal relationships with them. That his only son, who he waited years to have and even had written off as ever possibly being able to have, would be able to know the closeness and reliability of a warm loving family.


The good news is that we have experienced that with some family members. The bad news is we have been greatly disappointed by others. And it is always the opposite of what you think… The family members who we shouldn’t have to rely on and count on are the best examples of family we have had and have been true blessings in our lives. The family members we thought we would have that with have been huge disappointments.

I guess I should just thank my lucky stars that we have finally come to the conclusion of that little journey. I don’t think it’s something we will give up on entirely for the sake of my son but we will definitely not be going out of our way anymore to make someone a part of our lives. Our rose colored glasses view of these people has been tarnished and we know how little we mean to them now. I’m okay with that. Andy is okay with that. It is what it is, people.


Our focus now is to really embrace the family members who have made it a point to show us how much we mean to them. My older children always had a huge family to rely on and still do even when they think they don’t. My youngest son will not have that same overall feeling but I want to make sure that the family members he will rely on feel that they are appreciated and loved as much as possible.

Because that’s how you do family, folks! You love them and let them know they are loved!


Family members aren’t just a stranger or acquaintance. They are your life. Some people just don’t get that. It’s either that or they just don’t give a fuck. Probably both. My son doesn’t need those people in his life. Not that they really want to be anyway so that all works out fine, eh? Their loss. Because my son is amazing. And funny as all get out!


So, speaking of family… update on James is that he and his baby mama have moved into their own home together. I pray to God that this works out. I worry that when they lived with her parents her family became a buffer for their fighting so James had to try to keep his cool. He wasn’t always successful I believe but it was still better than he normally would be. His bipolar tendencies have been rearing up a bit he recently told me. We had a talk about what he might want to do to head that off but there is only so much coaching you can do. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his condition sooner or later.

I get to watch the grandbaby every 2-3 weeks and that has been so much fun. Grandchildren are like the best thing ever. Seriously. Grandparents who do not embrace their grandchildren are really missing out. Despite his extremely rough start in life, he is almost as heavy as my youngest son and only a couple of inches shorter! Since he was a premie, he is 2-3 months behind other babies developmentally but he should catch up real soon here. He is always laughing and smiling and giving my youngest son the “concerned” look when he acts a fool. 😆


Chelsea is plugging away. She’s at this age where she needs me very, very little and talks to me only once a week right now. I’m fine with that. She needs time to develop herself without me griping at her all the time. She will come back my way. I am so very proud of her and I am sure that even though I am not nagging on her 24 hours a day she will continue to be the responsible person she excels at being… much to her older brother’s chagrin.

Chagrin. Who uses words like that anymore? I am such a nerd. 😯

My dad has a new woman in his life. She lives in Seattle. 😆 I know! I tried setting him up with someone who lives in the next state over and he said that was way too far. He then goes and finds a woman who lives all the way across the United States! WTF?! Anyway, so he called to tell me… that’s when you know he’s getting serious… he will tell me. I called my little brother first and he warned me that the woman looks just like my mom. Truth. But, hey… it is what it is…

She has a lovely facebook and seems like a very nice lady. He is going to visit her in May and we will see how it goes. She is independent, financially sound, and has a great work ethic. I completely had to coach my dad to tell him not to be all weird and blow this… so I hope he didn’t think I was joking… because I wasn’t. 😐

Let’s see… what else is up? I have lost about 15 pounds in the last 6 weeks but it is a struggle. My body still hates me and bickers with me every single day. It seems like one day a week my body either gets up late or is too damn lazy to fight me so I miraculously lose three pounds overnight. Then I don’t lose an ounce for 10 days. So frustrating!


And don’t tell me what I’m doing wrong (Nathan). I have fluctuated my calories, added exercise, experimented with different eating times… I hate to go full on extreme low carb but I am approaching it. I have so little time to exercise since my work hours are so bad so low carbing is becoming a very lucrative option. I just hate to do that because anytime you cheat you have to take 3-5 days to get back into ketosis again. Blah!

I did get a new grill so I have been learning how to cook on it. I’m pretty bad at it so far, but I refuse to believe that just because I am a woman I can’t grill. My grade school boyfriend told me that last year and I plan on proving that little shit WRONG! You hear me, Bom! 😉 I know you do!

Okay, well, it’s midnight. My pumpkin awaits!