Archive for the ‘Crack is Whack’ Category

So my blog has been alot more popular of late due to the weight loss posts… which means we have alot of new people coming in and lurking around.

And that’s fine! If you are new here, WELCOME! πŸ™‚

However… WARNING:

New comers should be aware of several things about me so we can get along.

1. I swear. A LOT.Β 

2. I could really care less what you think of me. Judge away but I’m not losing sleep over your opinion of me.

3. I am not a private person. I live my life out loud and completely honestly every.single.day.

4. The people who really love and care for me know exactly who I am and they are the ONLY ones who matter to me.

5. I don’t run this blog for money or recognition. It’s my outlet for my own therapy. It’s like talking to myself without the chaos my mind sometimes clutters with.

Now… all that being said… I am sincerely going to try not to rant here but…

I have been blogging since 2005. It has not always been here on WordPress. The original started on Myspace. I run a mirror on EP. It started as some poetry, song lyrics, Sunday supper menus for family, thoughts on missing my mom who died from breast cancer, etc. It became my therapy when my then husband stopped taking his medications for his bipolar disorder and I began Β to worry about woulda, coulda, shoulda…

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Since I began blogging, I have gone through a complete life transformation. I went through the disintegration of my almost 20 year marriage, the first major bipolar episode and many subsequent episodes of my oldest son, a nasty and very emotionally charged divorce, the loss of my entire family whom I love/loved dearly, an insanely ridiculous rebound relationship, Β the loss of one of my best friends on earth, and the mental break down of my other best friend on earth. I also went through a horrible online dating stage and partying like a teenager stage.

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It hasn’t all been bad… Through all the storms, I have found someone who loves me for me and only me, had a beautiful new baby, had an amazing wedding, helped to navigate my daughter through two incredibly painful breakups, have seen my son begin to take control of his illness (which makes me super proud), pretty much single handedly remodeled half my house by myself, lost 60 pounds and then gained back almost 50 and have lost another 42 pounds this year.

I am a fighter… through and through… My story is MINE. I don’t give a shit if you don’t like how I have handled things. I could care less if you like me or not. I have many, many loyal readers who are dear friends of mine and have been with me the entire way. I value their opinions because they know the whole story. They don’t judge me by one post. They view it as the whole. And, no, they don’t always agree with me.

I’m okay with that. And, I will always be okay with you newcomers not agreeing with me, too. Everyone has an opinion. I get that. No problem. But, I’m not usually asking for your opinion…

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If you really just can’t help yourself and you simply MUST tell me your opinion, don’t come at me with your claws out. Especially based on one fucking post. You don’t know me or what I have been through in my life. Back the fuck off.

And, I’m only going to say this once… I will never repeat this again… Don’t you DARE tell me how I should feel or how I should handle myself as a family member or close friend of someone with mental illness. EVER. You have no right to tell me how I should feel.

YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!!!!!!!

The people I speak about in my blogs that have bipolar disorder are all fully aware and have said out loud to others that they have the disorder. It’s not a secret I am disclosing. I’m not here giving their names and addresses. I’m not breaching their trust in any way. All of them know and have known that I blog and speak out from a family member’s point of view on mental illness. The only person that would probably complain is my ex-husband but he is the LAST person on earth who can play the TRUST card with me.

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When it comes to mental illness, I believe that the supporting players — moms, dads, siblings, spouses, friends, etc. — are forgotten. There is so much damage control and stress and worrying that we all go through. The drama of what the actual person we love is going through is always the spotlight and the major focus. But the aftermath is where the supporting players come in.

I’m not saying that family members have it harder than the actual person with the mental illness. But it’s still extremely painful, heart wrenching, terrifyingly hard work to help someone who isn’t thinking rationally. It’s so emotionally draining. You feel alone in your quest because you don’t want to burden others. You have to make incredibly difficult decisions with no real guidance or guidelines that flat out guarantee you peace because there are no absolute no-fail answers. And there is definitely no one to ask.

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My (overly long winded) point is… As we deal with our mentally incapable family members and loved ones, we have fears and doubts about everything we do. And we generally suffer silently as a group out of embarrassment or despair or helplessness. We feel alone. We have thoughts that other people never have to consider. How do you plan for another person’s irrationality? I’m a planner. I make no apologies for my thoughts.

People from all over the world have messaged me or emailed me with stories of how they have dealt with the people who they dearly love but are afflicted with mental illness. I judge none of them. There is no right way or wrong way to care. It is what it is. We do the best we can that day. That’s all we can do.

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I will never judge any of you. When you message me your stories, I know you are doing the best that you can in that moment. Sometimes, it’s not our proudest moment in life but that’s okay… Β and then wake up to do it all over again the next day. Day after day, month after month, year after year…

I have lived consciously with bipolar disorder in my family since the mid 1990’s. Don’t fucking tell me how I should feel or how I should act. Unless you have been here with me for the entire ride, you really don’t have enough information to judge me.

So, hopefully, I haven’t scared too many of the newcomers. I’m sorry if any of you are offended. But, it’s a blog… no one is forcing you to be here, or read this, or follow me. Move along if you don’t like me. No worries… doesn’t bother me one bit. No need to message me. People who feel compelled to message me seem to not understand that there is a clear difference between expressing your opinion and just being a rude ass bitch.

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Liesl can fucking bite me.

PEACE!!!

Are you shitting me????
(no pun intended.)

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Do you know how much freaking ground turkey I have eaten in the last 8 weeks?

😯 W.T.F.????? 😯

IΒ am trying to turn this frown upside down… so I am trying to find good things in my life that make me feel good.

First off, I lost 4 pounds last week. Yeah, yeah, yeah… it was probably water weight… but hey, I gotta start somewhere, right?

I started watching The Misfits on Hulu. Genius show. And I feel super smart for finding it and loving it. I wish it didn’t tank itself in Season 4 but all great shows do that eventually I guess…

I have decided that I need to start taking my finances seriously so that I can someday quit my job. I absolutely love love love my clients and talking to people at my job. I hate hate hate corporate politics. And I am SICK of being prejudged. I need to take control of my life again. I am going to look at all my possible options to reduce my expenses down to virtually nothing. It’s the only way I will be able to confidently leave my job and feel free and feel like I can still make a difference in people’s lives. Wish me luck! πŸ˜‰

My new husband is probably the *best* thing ever. Sure… he has not a lick of mechanical ability at all… and yes, he gets his ass kicked on some electronics as well… but he loves me more than he has ever loved anything and shows it… and he is honest to the core… and he’s really hot… no, really, he’s like super hot. πŸ˜€

I love my kids from my first marriage. They may not always love me but I love them. Always. I hope that someday my first born son will come around and live up to everything I ever wanted him to be and everything he was raised to be. I am thankful every freaking day of my life for my daughter, who is doing amazingly well at college and is completely responsible and has more common sense than any other 20 year old I know.

And, holey moley… my newest kid is turning out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. Ever. Like beyond my wildest dreams. I can be having the crappiest day ever and I get one little smile from him and he just melts all of that away. And, for now, he thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread! When I come into a room during the workday on a break, his eyes light up and he comes racing over and just wants to play and laugh and be with me. I love that! Now I know what being the fun parent feel like! It’s AWESOME!

So, I guess not everything I do and have in my life makes me stupid… some things make me smart… most notably my willpower, my impeccable taste in television shows, my hot ass husband, and my kids…

Off to watch Project Runway Allstars! πŸ˜‰

PEACE!!!

So, as most of you know, I don’t have cable television. 😯

I know. πŸ™„

It blows…

Anyway. I miss all the sports games and that’s what i miss the most. Oh, and HGTV. And the Food Network. And Bravo. *sigh*

I also usually feel very disconnected because I can’t just flip on the TV at any time of the day and check the weather or news. I am always out of the loop. And now I get all my news and weather from the internet. On the internet, they always use really bold headlines to grab your attention so you click on it thinking, “I want to see this freak show mess!” And I do.

So here are the more recent freaky news stories I have read:

1. Cops: S.D. woman broke into home, attempted to breastfeed stranger’s baby

Who does this? Seriously. I cannot imagine doing this in even my worst drunken hot mess episodes. And I have had a few doozies when it comes to hot mess drunken episodes, let me tell you! And how in the hell do you stop a freak like this? Uh, hey, bitch… that’s my baby your tit is on… EWWWWW!

2. Woman who received 9.5 grade defends romance spreadsheet

The real story here is that this guy who had the spreadsheet is not all that great looking. His chin is enormous. But the dude has dated so much that he needs a freaking spreadsheet to keep them all straight? Look, I love a geeky guy and this seems like a geeky way to do things but I would still be creeped out by this. It gives me the heebie geebies. I did the whole online dating thing… ultimately, that’s how I met my fiance… but I never dated so much that I needed a spreadsheet. Of course, I am not a well off “investment banker” in NYC either so maybe that’s why… Still. Creepy. Even for a geek.

3. Argentina: Grieving Parents Find Baby Alive in Morgue

How do FIVE doctors miss a heartbeat of any kind? I mean, they say she may have had a low heart rate but a low heart rate is a low heart rate! Dead is NO heart rate? Right? I mean, I didn’t have to go to medical school to figure that one out… It makes me wonder how many other babies have been declared dead at that hospital and what happened to those babies? So sad and scary yet happy at the same time. I hope these parents win lottery size winnings from this place. They deserve it after enduring the heart breaking news that their daughter died and having to pry open the nailed coffin these assholes put her in. 😦

4. Obama Calls Kanye West ‘Jackass’ Again

Hey, Kanye. It’s kind of a bad thing when the leader of the free world calls you a jackass. Jackass.

5. Axl Rose declines induction to Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as member of Guns N’ Roses

Oh look! It’s ANOTHER Jackass! πŸ™„

6. Testicle Squeezing In Street Fight Causes Man’s Death

Here’s the great thing about this story… she called her husband and brother over to beat the dude’s ass that was kicking her out of the parking space. They were both obviously too wimpy and this little Asian woman took matters into her own hands. Literally. πŸ˜† Another case of women doing a man’s job better than a man. Boom. Done.

7. Dentist Pulls All Ex’s Teeth Out; Anna Mackowiak Faces Jail Time

I really think Anna should not be charged. The guy is obviously stupid. Who dumps their girlfriend for another woman and then schedules a tooth extraction with the dumped one? You deserved every extraction you got, buddy! I wish I had had that option. In any case, even if she goes to jail, it will be a cake walk for her… she will be the queen shit in cell block C because I believe most women would say this is justifiable.

8. Pizza Hut unveils hot dog stuffed crust pizza, Burger King offers bacon sundae

Gross. Do people really want this stuff? I am sure they did some type of consumer poll to see if this would be a viable idea. Who are those people who said this would be what they would want to eat? Yuck!

9. Maryland McDonald’s Mega Millions wannabe ‘loses’ $105M winner

Why do we give crazy people news time? Is there really no genuine news that day? This is clearly an insane woman. Her poor kids… they want to believe her but I’m telling you… the bitch is crazy.

10. David Williams, Oklahoma Man, Accused Of Having A Meth Lab In His Pants

I sometimes feel like I am surrounded by stupid people but then I read this article and realize that there are much more stupid people out there than the ones I have to deal with… On a side note… I know meth users probably aren’t picky, but who in the hell would want to buy meth from this dude? “Dude! Is that a pubic hair in my meth? DUDE!” This is one of the reasons I can’t be a junkie, I guess.

Just sayin’

1. I wore my underwear inside out today and didn’t figure out why they felt weird all day until tonight. πŸ™„

2. Chelsea and I BOTH dreamed I had a miscarriage on Sunday night/Monday morning, which freaked me out and I have been worried ever since.

3. James had the breathalyzer installed on my car and I blew a .025 and FAILED so my car wouldn’t start at the grocery store for like 5 minutes. That shot of Jagermeister was a mistake, apparently. πŸ™„

4. Andy bought me the blu-ray of “When Harry Met Sally” because he loves me and obviously LISTENS to me since that is one of my all time favorite movies. I spent all night tonight watching it and crying. Damn hormones.

5. I spent ALL DAY Monday staring at the ultrasound pics of my baby trying to determine the sex. I even sent the pictures to Elena at the prebabyblog.com and she couldn’t tell either. So frustrating!

6. My uterus has popped out of my pelvic bone area and now I have NO WAIST whatsoever and can’t sit like a guy anymore. 😦

7. I think my scale is on crack because it says a different weight every day. At least that is what I am telling myself so I don’t throw it off the Sabula Bridge.

Doctor appointments later today when normal people conduct their business, so I’ll post again later. See ya! πŸ˜‰

First of all, anything posted in this particular blog I cannot be held responsible for because:

1. I have no cigarettes
2. I have no caffeine
3. I am overly tired
4. I am so bloated that I make Willy look gooood.

So this is a FREE PASS posting, people! Keep that in mind!

My mind has been a little jumbled and overwhelmed this past week. I have spent very little time online. I have been trying to semi-plan for Italy but still have not one thing packed. I can’t seem to concentrate. This must be what ADHD feels like… without the H. πŸ™„

Anyway, my first priority, and it is so obvious that of ALL the things on my to do list THIS is a PRIORITY!, is that I have spent 2 years buying all sorts of pink nailpolish and I cannot for the life of me find the perfect one for me! It’s very frustrating! I have about 15 bottles of pink nail polish. I went to test them today and realized that 5 of them were duplicates! 😯

So I want to take a light and a dark nail polish to Italy with me. The darks look pretty good but I always considered myself a light girl. (LMAO!) That’s the reason for my pink quest. Here are my choices below. This is driving me mad. Can SOMEONE please produce a perfect pink for an olive skinned Latino looking woman? PLEASE?

Sickness of buying Pinks (and the alternates)

This morning, Andy and I woke up at 3am after going to bed at 9:30pm (like we’re senior citizens). We just sat around drinking icky decaf coffee and making breakfast and talking. While we were talking, I told him he was my favorite person. Sweet, right? Well, I thought so, haters. πŸ˜› So I said this but he didn’t say it back to me.

At the time, it really didn’t bother me. He doesn’t HAVE to say stupid corny stuff like that back. I don’t need validation or anything. Or do I? πŸ˜† I mean, what if I’m not his favorite person? And if I’m not, who is? Do I even want to know? What if it’s Chuck Norris? Or the creepy little mute kid in Mad Max? He did just “like” the kid’s FB page after all…

Am I lame because my boyfriend is my favorite person? (Don’t answer that.) Maybe I should pick a less emotionally involved person as my favorite person. Like Guy Fieri. He’s my favorite Food Network host. He could be my favorite person. Except he’s kinda hyper. And he has that weird hair. And he doesn’t know I exist. And he pronounces his last name with a TEE in it and there is no TEE to be found! WTF? I need a nap.

Andy informed me last night, right after I poured myself a big glass of Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi, that I should stop drinking items with Aspartame in them. WTMLF???? I’m already at no caffeine and no cigarettes. I am ready to go on a murderous rampage, starting with the people at Caseys who prominently display ads for their “Caseydilla” yet I have never seen one there yet. Hel-lo???

If I can’t drink diet soda or tea with sweetener, I am dead. Water does nothing for me… It tastes like nothing. I don’t want to hear crap about how “refreshing” it is. It tastes like nothing! Are those little Crystal Light add ins made with aspartame? Maybe it would be easier to ask what ISN’T made with aspartame? I am going to die without aspartame. 😦

This is stressing me OUT! I need a CIGARETTE! 😑

Hey everyone. I am just checking in real quick.

I know that I haven’t approved anyone’s comments from the last post. Sorry. 😦 I probably won’t get to them any time soon since I am so backed up right now. If I have time, I will do it later this week.

Apparently, my “discombobulation” is an actual real live health issue. My hormones have been changing and I really am discombobulated. πŸ˜† This has also caused some fatigue and constipation and diarrhea and headaches and a whole slew of issues! Grrr!

The most annoying issue? GAS! Now, back in the day, this would not have bothered me. I could just quietly let loose and blame it on one of the many boys inhabitting the household. I am really good at that! The problem now is that I am rarely with those boys in the same room now, so I have no one to blame it on anymore! πŸ™„

And I think if you asked my ex-husband, he would remember that he didn’t hear me pass gas for at least 4 years when I met him. And even then, it was in my sleep and uncontrolled due to a pregnancy with James. Everyone in his family just lets it rip freely… except me… I never did that. I was just too self conscious about it. It just didn’t seem right. πŸ˜†

Now, I have gas CONSTANTLY! Probably caused by my schizophrenic bowel system right now. One minute I am constipated and the next I have diarrhea. πŸ™„ My problem is that I have this inability to be able to pass it freely which makes it all jumble up and make me feel even worse! And it’s killing me…

But I will be damned if Andy is going to hear me pass wind. No way. Not doing it. I don’t care if I explode. There is no way I am going to let go of that little piece of dignity. Hell, I imagine I will be losing lots of battles with dignity in the future. This will not be one of them! πŸ˜‰

So that was TOO.MUCH.INFORMATION, eh? Well, too bad. I have been in gastric hell for 2 weeks now and my guess is I still have some time to go. I just hope it gets better before I have to leave for Italy. A confined space in a plane would seem like a REALLY inappropriate place to lose my dignity in. πŸ™„

I went for hormone testing on Friday. The stupid doctor was supposed to call me back Friday before 5pm with the results. Of course, she didn’t. So when she does call, if the tests come back positive, I am SOOO going to tell her that I wished she had called me when she had orginally promised so I didn’t go smoke all that crack this weekend… and see what she says.

Seriously… if you are a doctor and you tell a patient you will call them, then DO IT for Pete’s sake! Especially on a freaking FRIDAY! I need to find a new doctor. 😦 I have been looking online… but everyone feels like a freak to me. *sigh* I will probably wait until I get back from Italy to switch doctors. It’s just too much stress right now. I only have 2 weeks until I leave!

Don’t worry yourselves over what is going on with me. It’s a private matter right now and I am too tired to really go into it… I’m sure I will eventually because I never keep anything to myself. πŸ™„ But for now, I am just going to try to relax and not stress out. Hormones hate stress!

I will try to blog this week. I hope I feel better in the next couple of days. I will be finishing up some art projects this week as well and will post those online. They are projects I did for a local high school graduate and they are really cute! Etsy sales have been strong, which is good since I was able to buy groceries with the money! Yay! πŸ˜†

Okay, well, I love you guys but I really need a nap. I will be in EP chat on Monday night! See ya there!