Archive for the ‘I am an Emotional Trainwreck.’ Category

I was so sad to hear of the passing of Robin Williams. It’s a real tragedy that such talent has now left us. It’s equally tragic that the manner of his death was indicative of his drowning in sorrow and despair.

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So many people have such strong feelings of suicide. People all over Facebook are debating and arguing over his suicide. Sometimes, I just wish people would shut the fuck up. It’s okay to have an opinion but sometimes your opinion is best left unsaid. There is a time and a place for everything. Speaking out against the selfishness of suicide right after someone does it is soooo unclassy.

I have an opinion just like all the other assholes out here… I just choose to keep it mostly to myself as opposed to, say, typing it all out on Robin Williams’ Β loved ones’ Twitter or Instagram or Facebook accounts. What a bunch of dicks those people who did that are. Seriously.

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So, I’m not going to say what my exact opinion was of this tragic incident. But I do want to share with you my fears about suicide as it pertains to people in my life with bipolar disorder.

This is my worst fear. It is something I have worried about for years and years. I have acquaintances who have had to walk that path of being a casualty of suicide. It’s so devastating and life changing. It can thrust the ones left behind into a dark abyss of depression.

As the parent and former spouse and close friend of bipolar people… as someone who has seen what the extreme depths of depression can do to an average ordinary person… I have a great phobia of any one of these past or present people suddenly deciding to take their own life. What’s even scarier for me is that there is probably nothing I can do to stop it if they choose that path at some point.

My ex-husband will call me a damn liar, I’m sure, but I worried about that constantly during my separation with him. I felt I was fueling his psychotic behavior by continuing to speak with him. He was so distraught and desperate. He was being completely irrational. My solution – wrong as it was – was to stop being emotional around him. To just stop my end of the madness in hopes that it would stop his.

It didn’t. He just became even more irrational and ended up thinking I was a complete bitch. Looking back, I wish I had done things differently. But there’s nothing I can do about that now. I am just so glad that he has found someone that makes him happy again. I am so glad he never hurt himself and that he was able t find his light again.

My son has the disorder worse than my ex-husband does, so I really fear for his life as he gets older and the disease progresses unmedicated. I worry that he will go out and do something irreversibly wrong and then think that he has no way out. I worry that as he gets older and his bipolar episodes become more prevalent that he will sink into deep depressions that will be hard to lift him out from.

One of my best friends also has bipolar disorder. I actually didn’t even speak with her for about a year because her disorder became so bad that she became delusional. It was safer for her and me for me to stay away. Her husband actually had to have her committed to a mental ward (which is actually very hard to do when people are over the age of 18 – he had to get a court order) due to hallucinations and delusional actions.

This friend would get so depressed that she wouldn’t leave her house for months. I would ask her to go do things and she would say yes and then cancel at the last minute. Or, she would cry at the thought of leaving the home. It was a major low depression doing that.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Magnet, SVP05-0126
I saw an interview with Robin Williams in the mid ’90’s. He had admitted to being bipolar. I remember it well because my ex-husband was diagnosed at around the same time I came across the interview.

Even after all the bullshit I went through with my ex-husband, I would never want him to die. And I especially would not want him to commit suicide and leave my children without their funnest parent. Ever.

I worry constantly about my son. He has had friends and people he went to school with who have committed suicide. I am thankful that his opinion is genuinely one of disbelief that they did this. However, I know from past experiences with him that he could very well make a bad decision like that in his future. It terrifies me.

I am thankful that my friend has a husband who has lived with and cared for his wife since she was 15 years old and couldn’t imagine his life without her… the good and the bad. He is obviously a saint and deserves every good thing in life. I couldn’t hack it and got oyt of the situation. He stands strong like a warrior through it all to make sure my friend remains safe. I still worry about her, though. He can’t be there 24/7. She is another one that could make an irrational split second decision that would forever change all who know her.

This is my worst fear. I’m sure that the devastation I can only imagine would happen is actually probably 10 times worse for the loved ones that have actually been victims of the aftermath of suicide.

I wish I could shield each of these people that I know, who suffer from the debilitating effects of the major depressive state that they swing down to after having a manic episode, from any suicidal thoughts for the rest of their lives. I know I can’t shield them from it. All I can do is be there if they need me. Sometimes, it’s the being there that can make all the difference for some people… for others, I can’t be so sure that anything could stop them.

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PEACE!!!

Since I have been down and out for the whole summer, let me catch you all up on my family dramas.

My father got married. The day after my one year anniversary. I could not take time off at the last minute like that and neither could my husband and there was no way I was missing spending my first year anniversary with my husband… so I did not go. My opinion is that the date he chose to get married on was very selfish. But then, the whole marriage thing in and of itself was very selfish.

So I did not attend the wedding. My brother did, though, with my nephew. I wish it had been later in the month when I could have attended because I like traveling with my brother. We have similar ideas for where we want to go when traveling. That would make it more fun. We used to ditch our family members in Oklahoma (they didn’t invite us to hang out with them anyway so no loss) so that we could go eat at restaurants we had heard were good in the area.

Soooo, anyway… he did get married. His new wife, Joy, is a very nice woman. I have absolutely nothing against her. Our first meeting was a disaster but I think we smoothed it over. I think she somehow thought my Dad was super close to me and Leland. He’s only as close as he allows himself to be. She didn’t realize that and our first meeting she felt was cold. To me and Leland, it wasΒ  normal… It is what it is. Anyway, he is now all the way across the country and has started to rebuild his new life so there is nothing else to be said.

Big news on my daughter’s life. Remember the ghetto ass loser she was dating for four years that I could NOT get her to break up with if my life depended on it? Wellllll….. guess what? He pulled a major TIM and carried on a 6 month affair with another woman, buying her children gifts and helping to pay her bills for her. So deja Veux!

I was so upset and sad for her and her broken heart but secretly doing flips and dancing inside. What.A.Loser! It makes me sad that she gravitates to being treated this way and turned a blind eye to it for so long. I feel that staying in my own situation for years only taught her to tolerate that shit for longer than anyone should.

But she is finally FREE! Send you gainfully employed and well brought up single sons my way! My daughter needs a good guy in her life! πŸ™‚

Actually, right now, she is just learning to be single. She was sharing a home with her boyfriend’s parents, which was awkward, so she is now living in her own one bedroom apartment, by herself. This is the first time she has ever lived alone. This will be a good learning experience for her. I worry about her constantly but we bought her a stun gun and pepper spray. We are also applying for a FOID card for her… just in case we decide she needs a gun… πŸ˜† (Actually, we read that she needs a FOID card for the stun gun… she’s too blonde to entrust with a gun.)

My son has been doing some flip flopping on his bipolarness lately. One minute he is the best son ever and the next minute he freaking hates me. It’s like living with a 13 year old girl. And he doesn’t even live with me! WTF? 😯

He did finally find a full time position and he has stayed at it. That is a huge accomplishment for any major bipolar person. It takes alot to stay grounded. Most young people have that problem. But it is 10 times worse when you are dealing with bipolar disorder.

My husband continues to be my husband. πŸ˜‰ I find that now that we have been married for a year, we are so much more comfortable with each other than we were previously. It has been awkward at times. Maybe that was because I was only with my ex-husband since I was 14 years old. This is really only like my second or third long term relationship… I know — slut, right? — Screw you, Nathan! πŸ˜›

Anyway, he still does stupid, immature things sometimes that drive me nuts… He’s lucky I am so tolerant and realize WHY he is that way. Most women would bolt.. and DID in fact bolt when he exhibited some of these less than stellar behaviors. For example…

The night of our anniversary, we went for a romantic supper at a nice Italian restaurant. Everything was good. We made a Walmart run right after and then headed home. I could tell he was a little tired… So we get home and he’s cranky as hell! WTF? It’s our anniversary, dude! You are not acting like a (excuse my French) fuckable husband right now! Needless to say, anniversary sex did NOT happen that night. Pissed me off. πŸ˜† He apologized the next day but you only get ONE first wedding anniversary night, ya know?

Oh well. That’s okay. I’m not scarred for life by it or anything. I haven’t felt very “fuckable” myself lately anyway. πŸ˜†

I’ve spent my entire summer mired in stress and have been unable to lose anything. And I swear to God that the baby pushed all my fat UP so I still look pregnant half the time. I read somewhere that stress causes more abdominal fat as well so I have been screwed from the start, I suppose. The bad tenants, house remodel, plumbing issues, excessive home repair costs, and an absolutely grueling work environment have ruined my ability to deal with stress effectively. That will probably be my New Year’s Resolution. Take care of me. πŸ™‚

So that’s the short family update. Hope everyone else’s families are well. EPers please remember to keep Nate’s momma in your prayers.

PEACE!

…so said Nate…

I’m here! I’m still alive! I did not get hit by a bus… But I sure feel like it.

So, as you all know, my beloved home was completely trashed by my former renters. I have spent every second of free time fixing that place up. Like, literally. Every. Second.

My poor husband hasn’t seen me in two months. I’d probably feel more bad about that if he was handier. πŸ˜† Alas, he is not… But he does wash a mean load of laundry… And he is the most awesome father to my little one… So if he can’t hammer a nail, I’m okay with that…

(Plus… Have you ever seen my husband? Super hot… Just sayin’…)

So THAT is where the EFF I have been. Covered in paint, caulk, spider webs, and dirt. Fun times.

Despite the sarcasm, it actually has been a very emotionally trying time in my life. And I feel almost like when I went through my divorce. I feel like I’ve really learned some life changing lessons and I’m a little bit wiser now. I am a different person than I was two months ago as a result.

The number one lesson I have learned so far is that people are EXACTLY who they appear to be. Making excuses for other people’s shitty behavior or telling yourself someone didn’t mean to be a shitty person is wrong. You are wrong. When people show you that they suck, they suck. Period.

Lesson two: I’m not Jesus. I’m all for the Golden Rule… But I believe that there is somewhere in the Bible where it says that even if someone treats you badly time and time again you should still continue to treat them well. Yeah. I can’t do that.

Look, if you are my friend, I expect nothing more from you than I would do for you. And I can usually forgive an occasional fuck up. But… When I am having a break down and unable to pull myself up, I need your friendship more than ever. Like really. Ever. Like, come help me for two damn seconds! I fucking need you!

I would never abandon a friend who is going through a crisis. I may not be very helpful… But I would never abandon you. Period. And I was abandoned.

Someone told me they would help me. They couldn’t do it as scheduled. Rescheduled. Then just completely blew me off… No phone call, no text, no nothing… Then I did the whole benefit of a doubt thing and messaged this person to see if maybe we could touch bases and just forget all that mess and she said she was busy and never spoke to me again.

I’m sure she just thinks I was trying to take advantage of her and only wanted to use her for the help I needed. But, you know what? You can’t “use” real friends. Real friends recognize when you need help and give what they can. They don’t just disappear.

I would never disappear. If you ask me for help, I will help you. If I promise you that I will help you, I will be there to do it. If you are having a complete break down and acting like a crazy lunatic bitch, I will be there to slap the silly out of you and provide you with some emotional support and help build your ass back up.

That’s me. I learned it is not what other people do. And, to be honest, I am at a point in my life where I just don’t want to be “friends” with people like that. Someone who is my friend won’t do that… Just as I would never do that to them.

Third lesson was actually a very pleasant surprise: There are still absolutely good people in this world. For example, when I first started this challenge, I was freaking the hell out. Out of the blue, I received a message from an acquaintance of mine that offered to come help me clean up. This person didn’t have to offer her help… On her only day off… To someone she barely knew… But she did. And I don’t think I will ever forget it.

I’ve still been somewhat fighting with my dad and he’s caught up in his own little world. My kids have been pretty good about helping but they both have jobs and live out of town so they had limited time… And now they are sick of helping me. We already established that my husband is not handy in any way. So I have been doing everything completely and utterly alone.

It has been very depressing and lonely and devastating to me personally. But… I have had two people come to my rescue who have helped me and my emotional well being more than they will ever know… My husbands uncle and one of my ex-husbands best friends…

My husbands uncle helped advise me and showed me how to do new things without burning my house down. He even did some of the work for me when I really got in over my head. The new skills he taught me were an amazing gift to me and actually spurred my soul to claw its way slowly from the depths of hell I was wallowing in.

When my ex-husbands best friend contacted me on Facebook, I was really just starting to breakdown again after dealing with a bunch of unreliable contractors. I had been spending ALOT of time alone at the house and just generally feeling sorry for myself and pathetic.

I basically called this guy and BEGGED him to come spend a day with me. So pathetic. πŸ˜† I didn’t even care if he did anything. I just needed some company! Well, he walked in and took over! And I am so completely thankful! I’m tearing up just thinking about it… Such a sap… Or hot mess. Whatever.

When he came in the second weekend, I was sitting on the edge of my tub getting ready to freak out internally. He just walks in, says “are you OK?”, sees I’m not, and tells me to get out. He will take care if it. Then he completely demolished my bathroom floor. πŸ˜†

And when I was contemplating having to call my 5th plumber to find an elusive clog, he is the one who said he didn’t want me to spend the money and spent an entire day covered in black sludge finding and clearing a clog that a high priced plumber with fancy equipment could not find.

He saved my ass on that one but I think my best compliment for him is that he gives me balls to take on any project. I am so much more confident with him helping me. I cannot thank him and his extremely patient fiance enough. He is truly a great person and they are the type of people I want to have as friends.

Thanks to him, I am almost done with the house entirely! And yes, I will definitely share pictures when its done because I am super proud of all the work me, my children, my husbands uncle, and my ex-husbands best friend πŸ˜† have done. I love my house again and these people loved me enough to make it happen.

It has been very trying, very emotional, and super duper stressful. But now I am glad it happened. It showed me the truth about some people in my life and it still gave me hope and positivity for the new people brought into my life. I wouldn’t wish the journey on anyone else, though. πŸ˜‰

So, new pictures soon and I will also be updating my daddy drama and I have good news on my kids’ front… Lots of changes and growth going on… But its like 2am… So ttyl!

PEACE!

So my tenant moved out of the home I truly love and completely trashed the place. The dude told my daughter’s boyfriend that he left behind NOTHING that wasn’t already there when I left.

Uh. Yeah. Right.

Basement Main Level Upstairs

I rented houses and apartments for 20 years. I NEVER left a rental property like this. Ever!

What in the fuck are people thinking? And how do people live like this? Do you see that children’s bedroom? It was NASTY! There was ground up dirt and dog poop everywhere.Β  😑

The kitchen I personally and almost entirely by myself remodeled was trashed beyond recognition. 😦 Broken drawers and cabinets… the floor felt like it had syrup attached to it. Open food in every drawer and cabinet (of every room in the house, I might add). Mice droppings everywhere. There was an actual gallon milk container of urine stashed in a corner!

WHO DOES THAT?

It is obvious that their mouse problem was due to the excessive amounts of open food everywhere… every single room, closet, drawer, counter had food on it or in it. We cleared the entire house of food and have not seen or heard one mouse or any droppings.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Seriously. How can you live like that? How can you raise children in that? They had 4 children living like that! It was absolutely disgusting.

I hate being a landlord. If I had the money to reside my house and replace all the flooring, I would sell that sucker in a split second… because I am not cut out to be a landlord and deal with such disgusting human beings destroying the home I loved so very much. πŸ˜₯

It may not be much but it was my pride and joy. I put alot of sweat and tears into that place. I have many wonderful family memories there. I also have many bad memories. But it is all a part of me and a part of who I have become. I love it just as much today as I did when I first bought it.

Everyone else… my children, my ex-husband, my father… they all see the home as an albatross for me. I just don’t see it that way. If i felt like I had a choice, I would move right back into it today. It is my last remaining possession from my past that I truly love. My new husband is not a man that handles change well so he is never going to willingly move there… but it’s there anyway. And it’s mine. The good and the bad.

I have now spent about 10 days straight just working on cleaning the house enough to be able to call contractors in to fix it up. I was too embarrassed to call anyone to work on the place when it was such a sticky, icky mess.

I had originally taken a week vacation already in order to spend Chelsea’s birthday week with her. Poor Chelsea. We spent the entire week cleaning. She was a pretty good sport about it, though… such a good daughter. I am lucky with that one.

James also came and helped but he could only spend one day because he was (gasp!) working at his new job… Yeah, that whole factory thing was “killing” him so he found a new job… in air conditioning. πŸ˜† But he’s happier and I am happy for him. He still is acting likeΒ  a 16 year old most of the time, but hey, small steps, eh?

Anyway, we have cleaned and cleared most of the house. My carpal tunnel has come back with a vengeance and my hands barely workΒ  right now without numbing up. I am taking a break for about 3 days and hope they recover. Any tips on managing it holistically would be appreciated, peeps!

I’m just getting too old for this shit. And doing it entirely alone has been so stressful and demoralizing. I love my husband but he just sucks at manual labor anything. Period. I hired babysitters for long extra hours and he would come help me for like 2 hours and be “so tired”. Really? I worked 8-10 hours a day straight through… I wish I had the luxury of being tired. πŸ™„

That pissed me off but then I realized that he really just isn’t good at this kind of stuff. He hates it and he is too unsure of himself when doing it so then I have to constantly supervise and direct him. It’s easier to just have him stay with the baby while I get stuff done. I paid a fortune for extra sitter time when he could have just done it.

I’m not saying he wasn’t helpful. Don’t get me wrong. And I love the guy… he does try… πŸ˜† He just sucks at it. Kind of like the way I suck at losing weight… I try hard and **nada**.

Which reminds me…. I worked my ASS OFF for 10 days. I sweat buckets of sweat daily. I only ate once a day and drank a shitload of watered down Diet Pepsi… and I did not lose one ounce in weight. Whhaaaaattttheeeefuuuccccckkkkk???? 😯

In other news, my father is still getting married and he is no longer speaking with me. He just doesn’t understand why I am so upset and he should get to do whatever he wants with my full support. Um. No. I can disagree if I want… especially since we agreed on a different approach and you went back on your word… but whatever… I’m nobody… go do whatever.

Okay. It’s super late. I have to go. I know this was just a quick posting, but I promise to post soon again because I am in the middle of a bathroom remodel that I also have done almost entirely alone… so I am pretty damn proud of it. Oh!Β  And, you know all those Pinterest post on how to clean carpet stains? Yeah. I am trying ALLLLLLL of them on that one Child’s Bedroom so stay tuned to see which remedies really do actually work! HA!

πŸ˜€

PEACE!!!

1. I tried to apologize to Joanne. She decided I am a piece of shit and doesn’t want anything to do with me. All over me yelling at her for taking a dog to a kill shelter instead of giving me a chance to find it a good home. Because apparently she only values friends that never disagree with her and will be fake to her face. Which is why I was her only friend. πŸ™„ (Sorry, I’m a little bitter…)

2. Should I be worried that my fiance is discussing 50 Shades of Grey with another woman? I’ve never read it so I just don’t know… 😐

3. I currently weigh only 3 pounds more than I did when I first started dating Andy. But I look way dumpier. WTF. 😯

4. My photographer just now bailed on me for the wedding. I think I’m going to throw up.

5.Β  My wedding dress zipper is broke. And I need a super long zipper that is normally special order by Tuesday or I have no freaking dress!

6.Β  I have to work on Labor Day… yeah… because everyone does their financial crap on Labor Day. For sure.

7. My dog is at the pound right now because I live in the freaking boondocks where the dog catcher just works whenever he feels like it. Asshole.

It is the beginning of the week I am supposed to get married to the rock in my life and I am wigging the fuck out!

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Today was Andrew’s annual family picnic. And I have been crying all night. πŸ˜₯

Maybe it’s just the jolt of changing hormones since I have cut back the breastfeeding in the last couple of days. Maybe it’s PMS. Maybe it’s regret. Maybe it’s just me being insane and crazy. I don’t know what it is.

Here’s the deal…

I miss my old family. Not my ex-husband, mind you. My old family. His family. Because no matter what, in that family, we all mattered to each other and we all took time to care for one another. And we always had each other’s back. And we were always pretty damn considerate of each other. Period. End of story.

Today, I sat with a family that was disconnected. It saddened me. Really, really saddened me. Because that’s not me. At. All. The dynamic just was so… off…

People sat in clique-y little groups. Some people never even spoke to me. Old women had underlying tensions. There was no comaraderie. Everyone was itching to leave as soon as they finished eating and a few did. People I hugged were emotionless and stiff. I won’t say everyone was that way but I would say at least half were.

Maybe most families are that way. I don’t know. All I know is what I am used to and how I believe a family should react to each other. My former family was not that way. And, if any of them were that way, I would have immediately called them out for it. Old timers will remember the post I had about that epic fight I got in with my now ex-ex-evil-sister in law as proof of that fact.

And so that is how the day went. And it sent me into such a ridiculous tailspin that I didn’t get anything done tonight and all I want to do now is go to bed. So depressing. 😦

This sucks. I am a huge family person. I have been ever since Tim left me in 2000. That’s my survival mechanism… not that I need a survival mechanism right now. I’m just saying…

I now do fully understand where Andrew gets his unemotional side from, though. Some of the people I physically touched today felt as though they had no warmth anywhere in their bodies. It is a very eerie feeling when you touch that. Unnerving, in fact.

I think Andrew sensed that I was a bit “off” towards the end because he was very warm and loving and waited patiently while I stood with his grandmother to see the last few off. He knew I was feeling a bit disappointed in some things that were done and said but made sure I knew that he loved me regardless. It was very sweet. πŸ™‚

He’s used to all this. Which is sad. But now I understand why he does things a certain way with his family. Now I understand why he doesn’t seem to be too attached to them and doesn’t want to count on them for anything ever, even though he sometimes can’t help it.

It makes me so determined to show him that family isn’t like this. That OUR family between us will NOT be like that. That he can ALWAYS count on me as his family. As much as he hates when I give in to James and help when I really shouldn’t, I think he understands that that is my feeling about what family is and he appreciates it to a certain degree. At least, I hope so. 😐

I know for a fact that I don’t want Sean to grow up feeling the way Andrew does about family. I want Sean to know that his brother and sister ALWAYS have his back. That he can count on us to drop everything for him because he is important to us. James, while not the best family member right now, has the base upbringing to be that for Sean someday. And Chelsea will *ALWAYS* have his back. I have absolutely no doubt about that one. I’m so happy that I at least have that.

The whole day was just very depressing for me. I am somewhat realizing that when Andrew’s grandmother passes away, my poor son will have no sense of extended family like my kids got to have. This is the *ONLY* time ever in my life when I wish my dad lived closer, especially now that he finally “gets” what I mean by “family”. As much as he drives me absolutely batshit crazy as his daughter, he is an excellent, excellent, excellent grandfather. He must be making up for the father years…Β  πŸ˜†

I hope this feeling doesn’t happen after every family event or holiday. My days of trying to be a matriarch are long gone. I hope that as Sean gets older, I can create new traditions for us as a small family unit that he can at least hand down to his own family to show them how much they mean to him and that he can eventually turn our small family unit into a large family unit again.

I also think that I am going try to force myself to give genuine hugs to people in Andrew’s family from here on out. Today, when I hugged someone in particular, their touch was so stiff and rigid and cold and emotionless that I almost recoiled physically. It was that noticable.

And the first thing I thought after that happened was how sad it must be for that person to go through life without feeling anything. Now… maybe I am totally being a bitch for assuming this person has no emotions… but today that person felt dead when I hugged them. Extremely sad. Heart wrenching. 😦

So now, I am going to make a point of genuinely hugging those people and hoping some of my heart and soul seeps into theirs and gives them just a teeny bit of warmth that maybe they can share with someone else in their lives. πŸ˜† I sound like a tree hugger, huh? πŸ™„

Anyway, wish me luck because I have a feeling I’m gonna need it! πŸ˜†

Okay, so I have decided to try to start obsessing over something else BESIDES wedding things because my fiance has now gone silent on the matter… and that’s his choice… I’m not pushing it. If he wants to marry me, he’ll let me know I guess. πŸ™„ It may just be too late to plan an actual wedding by the time he decides… Why doesn’t he consider this? I wish someone would tell him that planning a wedding is not easy peasy and requires TIME! Dammit. 😑

I’m done stressing… it’s his fuck up at the end of the day… not mine…

I really don’t know what the hell is wrong with me lately. I hate to blame PMS but I don’t know what else it could be! I’m just irritated beyond belief at everything right now! 😑

I know I am super stressed about work. I have been doing my job for almost 20 years now. I am good at what I do. I love what I do. I love my clients. I love my teammates/co-workers. And I am fiercely loyal to the company I work for.

But…

When you are not being listened to and feel like you are being set up to fail and no one cares enough to fight for you, it sucks.Β  I can’t stand it.

I have changed my whole schedule around and incurred a daycare expense that I was not intending. I work my ass off… genuinely… I know people who say this and have cushy jobs. I actually work hard. I know my job isn’t physically taxing and there are some down times, but I am hustling and doing my best to acheive the goals set up for me by people who never do my job and never give me the right tools to do it with…

It would be nice to get some positive reinforcement and a true teammate manager behind me… because when I am good, I rock… it’s hard to stay good when you are being kicked from behind in the small of your back all the fucking time. 😦


So maybe that’s why I am so irritable…

Andy and the babysitters I have (they are teenagers, though…) keep saying, “I can’t wait for the baby to get older so he can entertain himself more…” Because, you know… he needs to be paid attention to too much apparently.

WTF. It’s a little human being! We are his only friends! Of course we have to entertain him! And it won’t matter how old he is… we will be his main source of entertainment for many years! What.are.you.saying?

Andy is constantly trying to get the kid to shut up or sleep. The babysitters expect the same. What is up with that? He isn’t a newborn anymore. He’s going to keep taking those little 20 minute naps and never getting in his beneficial 2-3 hour naps because you are CONSTANTLY trying to make him sleep during the day!

STOP IT!
PLAY WITH HIM!
HE IS NOT MEANT TO SLEEP 20 HOURS A DAY ANYMORE!
DO YOUR JOB!

Grrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😑

Like I said, I don’t know why this is irritating me so much. I have YEARS of practice of calming myself down over things I can’t control. I shouldn’t be this uptight. I wasn’t this uptight 6 months ago… 😦

I got a new blu-ray player. The one I bought 2 years ago went kaput. I bought one and it had the wrong inputs so I had to return that and get another one. Fine. Did that. I get it home and Andy hooks everything up. He wants to watch a movie. Fine.

He then tells me that he can’t get the firmware to update so we can’t get Netflix or Hulu Plus. He said he tried twice. It took him all of 5 minutes to try each time. I start worrying but can’t get to it right away.

It takes me a couple of days but I finally get in there and turn on the player. I connect to the internet. I then P-A-T-I-E-N-T-L-y wait for the firmware to update. It took maybe 8 minutes. 😯 I now have Netflix and Hulu Plus. 😐

I mean, did he even try? (Remember when he tried to set up the baby monitor? I read one line in the manual and tried it and it suddenly worked!) *sigh* It’s like he purposely didn’t even try with the blu-ray player! ARRGGHHH!

The man had a full home theater and projection screen television set up when I moved in. How did that happen if he is so inept at setting up electronics? 😯

James is still pissing me off and I am one breakdown away from completely not talking to him anymore. He sent me a text for Mother’s Day and acted like an asshole when I suggested that he get his baby momma something instead of going out drinking… God forbid…

He told me one night he was coming for supper so I cooked TWO meals (so he could take another one home) and he didn’t show up. I have lent him $70 this week alone in gas money to get to work and go to Iowa City to see his baby… and then Chelsea hit me up, too…

Excuse me, but wasn’t your father just bragging about making $45k salary PLUS commission a year at his new job? Go ask him for money! I’m freaking poor compared to that guy! πŸ˜†

And how is this for karma? While I was writing this and bitching up a storm like a huge pussy, I burnt my steak… frraaaakkkkkk! I’m outta here… cuz now I have to eat two burnt ass steaks… because *someone* barely eats my cooking when it’s NOT burnt! πŸ™„

 

Ugh.

I hate myself like this. 😦