Archive for the ‘I Don’t Even KNOW You People! Gah!’ Category

So my blog has been alot more popular of late due to the weight loss posts… which means we have alot of new people coming in and lurking around.

And that’s fine! If you are new here, WELCOME! 🙂

However… WARNING:

New comers should be aware of several things about me so we can get along.

1. I swear. A LOT. 

2. I could really care less what you think of me. Judge away but I’m not losing sleep over your opinion of me.

3. I am not a private person. I live my life out loud and completely honestly every.single.day.

4. The people who really love and care for me know exactly who I am and they are the ONLY ones who matter to me.

5. I don’t run this blog for money or recognition. It’s my outlet for my own therapy. It’s like talking to myself without the chaos my mind sometimes clutters with.

Now… all that being said… I am sincerely going to try not to rant here but…

I have been blogging since 2005. It has not always been here on WordPress. The original started on Myspace. I run a mirror on EP. It started as some poetry, song lyrics, Sunday supper menus for family, thoughts on missing my mom who died from breast cancer, etc. It became my therapy when my then husband stopped taking his medications for his bipolar disorder and I began  to worry about woulda, coulda, shoulda…

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Since I began blogging, I have gone through a complete life transformation. I went through the disintegration of my almost 20 year marriage, the first major bipolar episode and many subsequent episodes of my oldest son, a nasty and very emotionally charged divorce, the loss of my entire family whom I love/loved dearly, an insanely ridiculous rebound relationship,  the loss of one of my best friends on earth, and the mental break down of my other best friend on earth. I also went through a horrible online dating stage and partying like a teenager stage.

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It hasn’t all been bad… Through all the storms, I have found someone who loves me for me and only me, had a beautiful new baby, had an amazing wedding, helped to navigate my daughter through two incredibly painful breakups, have seen my son begin to take control of his illness (which makes me super proud), pretty much single handedly remodeled half my house by myself, lost 60 pounds and then gained back almost 50 and have lost another 42 pounds this year.

I am a fighter… through and through… My story is MINE. I don’t give a shit if you don’t like how I have handled things. I could care less if you like me or not. I have many, many loyal readers who are dear friends of mine and have been with me the entire way. I value their opinions because they know the whole story. They don’t judge me by one post. They view it as the whole. And, no, they don’t always agree with me.

I’m okay with that. And, I will always be okay with you newcomers not agreeing with me, too. Everyone has an opinion. I get that. No problem. But, I’m not usually asking for your opinion…

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If you really just can’t help yourself and you simply MUST tell me your opinion, don’t come at me with your claws out. Especially based on one fucking post. You don’t know me or what I have been through in my life. Back the fuck off.

And, I’m only going to say this once… I will never repeat this again… Don’t you DARE tell me how I should feel or how I should handle myself as a family member or close friend of someone with mental illness. EVER. You have no right to tell me how I should feel.

YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!!!!!!!

The people I speak about in my blogs that have bipolar disorder are all fully aware and have said out loud to others that they have the disorder. It’s not a secret I am disclosing. I’m not here giving their names and addresses. I’m not breaching their trust in any way. All of them know and have known that I blog and speak out from a family member’s point of view on mental illness. The only person that would probably complain is my ex-husband but he is the LAST person on earth who can play the TRUST card with me.

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When it comes to mental illness, I believe that the supporting players — moms, dads, siblings, spouses, friends, etc. — are forgotten. There is so much damage control and stress and worrying that we all go through. The drama of what the actual person we love is going through is always the spotlight and the major focus. But the aftermath is where the supporting players come in.

I’m not saying that family members have it harder than the actual person with the mental illness. But it’s still extremely painful, heart wrenching, terrifyingly hard work to help someone who isn’t thinking rationally. It’s so emotionally draining. You feel alone in your quest because you don’t want to burden others. You have to make incredibly difficult decisions with no real guidance or guidelines that flat out guarantee you peace because there are no absolute no-fail answers. And there is definitely no one to ask.

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My (overly long winded) point is… As we deal with our mentally incapable family members and loved ones, we have fears and doubts about everything we do. And we generally suffer silently as a group out of embarrassment or despair or helplessness. We feel alone. We have thoughts that other people never have to consider. How do you plan for another person’s irrationality? I’m a planner. I make no apologies for my thoughts.

People from all over the world have messaged me or emailed me with stories of how they have dealt with the people who they dearly love but are afflicted with mental illness. I judge none of them. There is no right way or wrong way to care. It is what it is. We do the best we can that day. That’s all we can do.

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I will never judge any of you. When you message me your stories, I know you are doing the best that you can in that moment. Sometimes, it’s not our proudest moment in life but that’s okay…  and then wake up to do it all over again the next day. Day after day, month after month, year after year…

I have lived consciously with bipolar disorder in my family since the mid 1990’s. Don’t fucking tell me how I should feel or how I should act. Unless you have been here with me for the entire ride, you really don’t have enough information to judge me.

So, hopefully, I haven’t scared too many of the newcomers. I’m sorry if any of you are offended. But, it’s a blog… no one is forcing you to be here, or read this, or follow me. Move along if you don’t like me. No worries… doesn’t bother me one bit. No need to message me. People who feel compelled to message me seem to not understand that there is a clear difference between expressing your opinion and just being a rude ass bitch.

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Liesl can fucking bite me.

PEACE!!!

I was so sad to hear of the passing of Robin Williams. It’s a real tragedy that such talent has now left us. It’s equally tragic that the manner of his death was indicative of his drowning in sorrow and despair.

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So many people have such strong feelings of suicide. People all over Facebook are debating and arguing over his suicide. Sometimes, I just wish people would shut the fuck up. It’s okay to have an opinion but sometimes your opinion is best left unsaid. There is a time and a place for everything. Speaking out against the selfishness of suicide right after someone does it is soooo unclassy.

I have an opinion just like all the other assholes out here… I just choose to keep it mostly to myself as opposed to, say, typing it all out on Robin Williams’  loved ones’ Twitter or Instagram or Facebook accounts. What a bunch of dicks those people who did that are. Seriously.

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So, I’m not going to say what my exact opinion was of this tragic incident. But I do want to share with you my fears about suicide as it pertains to people in my life with bipolar disorder.

This is my worst fear. It is something I have worried about for years and years. I have acquaintances who have had to walk that path of being a casualty of suicide. It’s so devastating and life changing. It can thrust the ones left behind into a dark abyss of depression.

As the parent and former spouse and close friend of bipolar people… as someone who has seen what the extreme depths of depression can do to an average ordinary person… I have a great phobia of any one of these past or present people suddenly deciding to take their own life. What’s even scarier for me is that there is probably nothing I can do to stop it if they choose that path at some point.

My ex-husband will call me a damn liar, I’m sure, but I worried about that constantly during my separation with him. I felt I was fueling his psychotic behavior by continuing to speak with him. He was so distraught and desperate. He was being completely irrational. My solution – wrong as it was – was to stop being emotional around him. To just stop my end of the madness in hopes that it would stop his.

It didn’t. He just became even more irrational and ended up thinking I was a complete bitch. Looking back, I wish I had done things differently. But there’s nothing I can do about that now. I am just so glad that he has found someone that makes him happy again. I am so glad he never hurt himself and that he was able t find his light again.

My son has the disorder worse than my ex-husband does, so I really fear for his life as he gets older and the disease progresses unmedicated. I worry that he will go out and do something irreversibly wrong and then think that he has no way out. I worry that as he gets older and his bipolar episodes become more prevalent that he will sink into deep depressions that will be hard to lift him out from.

One of my best friends also has bipolar disorder. I actually didn’t even speak with her for about a year because her disorder became so bad that she became delusional. It was safer for her and me for me to stay away. Her husband actually had to have her committed to a mental ward (which is actually very hard to do when people are over the age of 18 – he had to get a court order) due to hallucinations and delusional actions.

This friend would get so depressed that she wouldn’t leave her house for months. I would ask her to go do things and she would say yes and then cancel at the last minute. Or, she would cry at the thought of leaving the home. It was a major low depression doing that.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Magnet, SVP05-0126
I saw an interview with Robin Williams in the mid ’90’s. He had admitted to being bipolar. I remember it well because my ex-husband was diagnosed at around the same time I came across the interview.

Even after all the bullshit I went through with my ex-husband, I would never want him to die. And I especially would not want him to commit suicide and leave my children without their funnest parent. Ever.

I worry constantly about my son. He has had friends and people he went to school with who have committed suicide. I am thankful that his opinion is genuinely one of disbelief that they did this. However, I know from past experiences with him that he could very well make a bad decision like that in his future. It terrifies me.

I am thankful that my friend has a husband who has lived with and cared for his wife since she was 15 years old and couldn’t imagine his life without her… the good and the bad. He is obviously a saint and deserves every good thing in life. I couldn’t hack it and got oyt of the situation. He stands strong like a warrior through it all to make sure my friend remains safe. I still worry about her, though. He can’t be there 24/7. She is another one that could make an irrational split second decision that would forever change all who know her.

This is my worst fear. I’m sure that the devastation I can only imagine would happen is actually probably 10 times worse for the loved ones that have actually been victims of the aftermath of suicide.

I wish I could shield each of these people that I know, who suffer from the debilitating effects of the major depressive state that they swing down to after having a manic episode, from any suicidal thoughts for the rest of their lives. I know I can’t shield them from it. All I can do is be there if they need me. Sometimes, it’s the being there that can make all the difference for some people… for others, I can’t be so sure that anything could stop them.

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PEACE!!!

Been a bit since I checked in and Nate is emailing me INCESSANTLY wondering if I am dead or possibly going the crazy cat lady route so I figured… eh? I’d better check in.

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What’s up!? 😀

Yep. Me, too. Work and sleep. Sleep and work. That’s what my life consists of mostly. 😆

I’m kinda boring. I guess I can see Nate’s point on the crazy cat lady business…

I’m still slaving away at work. I read some recent study that said people in the U.S. are more stressed at work than ever before. 83%! That means MOST people are  super stressed! The reasons cited in the article were shitty pay and being worked like dogs (which is one of those “sayings” that doesn’t make sense. My dog lays around all damn day. She doesn’t work at all. Migrant workers would be a better word. Those people work their asses off!).

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Anyway, this greatly saddens me that not only myself but 83% of Americans feel so stressed and ultimately I believe that stress can sink you into unhappiness. So 83%… okay, let’s lower it and assume some of the stressed out people still like their jobs, so… 75% of  people are eventually going to plummet into unhappiness. WTF? That’s depressing. 😦

Aren’t you glad you stopped by today? Woo Hoo!

I have recently decided to completely give up on making people be a part of my family. You know, people who are SUPPOSED to actively be a part of my family. Screw it. I cannot handle having to tell someone when they should care about someone they share DNA  with, when they should treat a family member better than some stranger on the street, when they should come and visit. Seriously. If you don’t know how to do that by now and you are grown ass adult, I can’t help you. 🙄

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I understand that some people just don’t have the “family” gene in them. I get that because I was born to two parents who did not have that within them. But… I somehow miraculously got that gene. It must be a mutant deformed gene because my other family members just “think” they have it but they don’t. And I’m okay with that. We have an understanding and I accept that.

That being said… even my own family members like my brother and father seem to understand the very basics of having a family they ultimately love even if they can’t be near me. My father will call me or email me if I get too busy. My brother and I only talk a few times a year but I can confidently say that we are as close as we could be considering my brother has a weird “emotional distancing” gene in his body. We always start our phone conversations like we just spoke last week. Then, we talk for hours. And, we always hang up the phone acting like we are going to talk to each other next week even though it may be months away. Just typing that out… I can feel the love for my baby bro! 🙂

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I knew from the get go with my new husband that his feelings about family were mired in resentment and disappointment. I knew from the beginning that I wanted to never ever be that for him. Ever. What I have come to learn about him is that even though he felt that on the surface about his family he had this underlying HOPE that he would eventually prove himself wrong. That, maybe, he was wrong and he could actually rely on his family. That he could have close normal relationships with them. That his only son, who he waited years to have and even had written off as ever possibly being able to have, would be able to know the closeness and reliability of a warm loving family.

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The good news is that we have experienced that with some family members. The bad news is we have been greatly disappointed by others. And it is always the opposite of what you think… The family members who we shouldn’t have to rely on and count on are the best examples of family we have had and have been true blessings in our lives. The family members we thought we would have that with have been huge disappointments.

I guess I should just thank my lucky stars that we have finally come to the conclusion of that little journey. I don’t think it’s something we will give up on entirely for the sake of my son but we will definitely not be going out of our way anymore to make someone a part of our lives. Our rose colored glasses view of these people has been tarnished and we know how little we mean to them now. I’m okay with that. Andy is okay with that. It is what it is, people.

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Our focus now is to really embrace the family members who have made it a point to show us how much we mean to them. My older children always had a huge family to rely on and still do even when they think they don’t. My youngest son will not have that same overall feeling but I want to make sure that the family members he will rely on feel that they are appreciated and loved as much as possible.

Because that’s how you do family, folks! You love them and let them know they are loved!

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Family members aren’t just a stranger or acquaintance. They are your life. Some people just don’t get that. It’s either that or they just don’t give a fuck. Probably both. My son doesn’t need those people in his life. Not that they really want to be anyway so that all works out fine, eh? Their loss. Because my son is amazing. And funny as all get out!

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So, speaking of family… update on James is that he and his baby mama have moved into their own home together. I pray to God that this works out. I worry that when they lived with her parents her family became a buffer for their fighting so James had to try to keep his cool. He wasn’t always successful I believe but it was still better than he normally would be. His bipolar tendencies have been rearing up a bit he recently told me. We had a talk about what he might want to do to head that off but there is only so much coaching you can do. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his condition sooner or later.

I get to watch the grandbaby every 2-3 weeks and that has been so much fun. Grandchildren are like the best thing ever. Seriously. Grandparents who do not embrace their grandchildren are really missing out. Despite his extremely rough start in life, he is almost as heavy as my youngest son and only a couple of inches shorter! Since he was a premie, he is 2-3 months behind other babies developmentally but he should catch up real soon here. He is always laughing and smiling and giving my youngest son the “concerned” look when he acts a fool. 😆

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Chelsea is plugging away. She’s at this age where she needs me very, very little and talks to me only once a week right now. I’m fine with that. She needs time to develop herself without me griping at her all the time. She will come back my way. I am so very proud of her and I am sure that even though I am not nagging on her 24 hours a day she will continue to be the responsible person she excels at being… much to her older brother’s chagrin.

Chagrin. Who uses words like that anymore? I am such a nerd. 😯

My dad has a new woman in his life. She lives in Seattle. 😆 I know! I tried setting him up with someone who lives in the next state over and he said that was way too far. He then goes and finds a woman who lives all the way across the United States! WTF?! Anyway, so he called to tell me… that’s when you know he’s getting serious… he will tell me. I called my little brother first and he warned me that the woman looks just like my mom. Truth. But, hey… it is what it is…

She has a lovely facebook and seems like a very nice lady. He is going to visit her in May and we will see how it goes. She is independent, financially sound, and has a great work ethic. I completely had to coach my dad to tell him not to be all weird and blow this… so I hope he didn’t think I was joking… because I wasn’t. 😐

Let’s see… what else is up? I have lost about 15 pounds in the last 6 weeks but it is a struggle. My body still hates me and bickers with me every single day. It seems like one day a week my body either gets up late or is too damn lazy to fight me so I miraculously lose three pounds overnight. Then I don’t lose an ounce for 10 days. So frustrating!

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And don’t tell me what I’m doing wrong (Nathan). I have fluctuated my calories, added exercise, experimented with different eating times… I hate to go full on extreme low carb but I am approaching it. I have so little time to exercise since my work hours are so bad so low carbing is becoming a very lucrative option. I just hate to do that because anytime you cheat you have to take 3-5 days to get back into ketosis again. Blah!

I did get a new grill so I have been learning how to cook on it. I’m pretty bad at it so far, but I refuse to believe that just because I am a woman I can’t grill. My grade school boyfriend told me that last year and I plan on proving that little shit WRONG! You hear me, Bom! 😉 I know you do!

Okay, well, it’s midnight. My pumpkin awaits!

PEACE!!!