Archive for the ‘I Suck at Life’ Category

I know I have been MIA. I have been so frustrated with this stall I am in and just really didn’t know what to say. I was hoping I could break it and be all like, “Look at how fucking smart I am!”

its-funny-cuz-u-is-stupid

But I’m not smart, apparently. Because I am still stalled.

UGH!!!!!

I am not perfect by far. But I am determined. Every time I do low carb, I get stalled at around 40 pounds. I get frustrated and pissed off and abandon the plan for low calorie/high carb. I’m not doing that this time. Mostly because I’m stubborn and now I feel like I have a vendetta against my rebellious body.

fuckit

So, I have just been trudging on. And not losing.

Here’s the things I think are holding me back:

1. Not enough sleep
2. Fucking PEANUT BUTTER!
3. Fucking POPCORN!
4. Too much snacking
5. Using net carbs

One of the battles I seem to be having lately is insomnia. Is this a side effect of menopause? Someone tell me now! It’s killing me. Last week, I spent one night laying wide awake in bed until 4:45am and then my kid woke up at 8am. This is not conducive to weight loss. GRRRR!

tired

Lately, I have been craving sweets. This is not me. I am not a sweet eater. I got fat eating onion rings, french fries, fried chicken, pasta, risotto, enchiladas, and tacos. But my one sweet spot in my heart is reserved for chocolate peanut butter ice cream. So I can’t have that low carb ice cream around because I could eat a quart in a week easily and it has ALOT of sugar alcohols. So I came up with a brilliant idea to use one tablespoon of sugar free chocolate chips mixed in with all natural peanut butter.

Now, overall, this is low carb… but not when you eat 4 tablespoons of peanut butter with it. Because 4 tablespoons is like 11 grams of carbs! That’s half of my carb allowance in general for the day! WTF? And I keep doing it! Someone stop me!

gluttony

No… REALLY… SOMEONE STOP ME!

The ONE thing that I miss on low carb more than anything in the whole wide world is bad, bad GMO popcorn with lots of real butter. And I can’t eat just a cup or two. I need to eat the whole damn bowl!

My husband and I watch and go to movies all the time. It’s like our thing. And movie theaters do not sell ANYTHING low carb. Jerky and pork rinds are NOT theater food. So shut your face if that’s your solution…

popcorn

In general, I do fine all day until I get off work. After I get my kid to bed, I am starving… I eat something… and then another something… and then some peanut butter… and then another something… GAH!

When I did low calorie/high carb, this was something I could work around. However, most of the items on low carb are high calorie or high protein. So I am constantly fucking my whole macro plan up! It’s so frustrating because I *know* what I am doing AS I am doing it!

I usually talk myself into snacking by making sure it’s low carb. But if it’s low carb, it’s usually high protein! Which just turns into glucose anyway! FML!

sabotage

For example, just now, I went and grabbed a chicken leg from the frig… I’m already at 80g of protein for the day! I didn’t need to eat the fucking chicken leg!

So this is how I am currently spiraling out of control. I do have a plan to stop it.

To Be Continued…

 

Don’t answer that. And don’t mess with me. I’m in a funk right now and might kill you with a dull spoon if you say anything cross-eyed.

So, I didn’t do an official weigh in this month yet because Aunt Flo came on the exact same day that I was scheduled to do that. Bitch. So now I am a bloaty whale. BLLLAAAAAHHHHHH!

pms
Seriously. I am having some issues this past month and the scale really hasn’t moved much. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. It’s almost like I have been PMSing for a month straight. I constantly snack. I cry over the stupidest things. I get super pissed off about stupid shit. I feel depressed but I don’t really have much to be depressed over.

I wonder if this is the start of menopause… how long does that take? I mean, is it possible that I might end up in prison? Because if it takes too long, I will probably kill someone. My research indicates that menopause can take a few years from start to finish. In which case, can I borrow some bail money? (Just getting that out of the way now….)

menopause
But what if it’s not menopause…

Depression maybe? It has been raining like every fucking day! It’s gloomy and yucky and annoying and pisses me off and depresses me. *sigh* In general, I usually get S.A.D. pretty bad in the winter time, so that’s why I am considering that as a possible culprit.

I watched this documentary on happiness on Hulu. All these people were basically at crossroads where they were just saying, “Fuck it”. Then they would sell all their shit and do whatever they wanted. And they were all so happy. Which made me sad. 😦

finethanks

Not that I want to do that. But I have definitely seen better days professionally. If you are a manager or supervisor of people, please take some advice from a minion… take a minute of your precious fucking time to appreciate the people who are there to make you look good… and do NOT be condescending. Ever.

There is a good way to manage people and a bad way. It appears that bad managers always win. Why is that??? Do people really only perform well when they are being managed by really cold, non-team oriented people??? I just don’t get it.

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So, yeah…

Ugh. I hate being a whiny bitch! I am usually so good at looking at the bright side of things!

I need to pull my head out of my ass. I currently have a week off work. I need to use the week to get rid of that ho bag Flo and try to clear my head so I can think clearly. Hopefully my husband will still be alive in a week.

I’M KIDDING! Kind of. Β But, really, I swear if he does one more inconsiderate thing to me, I will lose my shit…

PEACE!

 

I have been a bit stressed and busy lately so I haven’t had a chance to update my long time readers. Sorry about that, peeps! If you are just a casual reader here, then you may wish to skip this post… it has nothing to do with diet or weight loss or food in any way…

boring1

So, today was Father’s Day… we didn’t do much here. Just sat around watching TV and doing cooking for the week. I had already sent a card to my father and son. I gave my husband a card and bought him some new uniforms online. Woo hoo! Exciting, eh?

There really isn’t very much going on in my personal life lately. I have become pretty boring. Considering the drama filled, emotional extravaganza I encountered on my trip to boringville, I won’t bitch about having a boring life right now. πŸ˜‰

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My adult son did call me today. Freaking the hell out because the cell phone he insists on getting is $100 more than he thought it would be. Really. He was out of his mind crazy upset about it. And, no. He is not on his medication at the moment. But he’s an adult now. He needs to manage that shit on his own. I can’t do it for him. He obviously needs it…

My daughter has just entered a new relationship with a new guy. I haven’t met him yet but she says he’s okay. That remains to be seen… I am suspect after the last guy who looked perfect and turned out to be a narcissistic asshole. 😐 She is almost done with her Associate’s degree. Finally. It has only taken her 4 years to complete community college. I love the girl, but really? πŸ˜†

My husband’s diabetic 85 year old grandmother has now returned from a trip to Tennessee. She is always telling me how she is on a no carb diet but is constantly eating fruit and having a “teeny bit” of cake or cookies. It frustrates me to no end. I don’t want to be mean to her but this is a life or death thing for her. I hate that she doesn’t listen when you tell her stuff.

She isn’t my grandmother and I don’t feel right bossing her around, but I feel like shaking some sense into her. Old habits die hard, I guess. I hope that I will not ever be NOT willing to listen and learn new things when I am 85 years old. She doesn’t seem to understand that if she needs low carbs and moderate protein, then all that’s left is fat. She’s lived a lifetime of the government telling her fat is bad so I guess I get it. I tell her about all the new research and she still doesn’t listen.

Learn-To-Listen
Also, I pray to God that I am not worrying about my weight when I am 85 years old. Seriously. That is a major concern for her. She absolutely does not want to gain weight. Now… granted… gaining weight would not be advantageous to her health at all. BUT… her health is not really her concern. Her concern is gaining weight, period. UGH!

Work has been extra stressful with the departure of my old manager. My new manager is very much like that prior manager that went 6 months not speaking to me. (Or vice versa… whatever…) I do not have a good vibe about this at all.

I am now starting to think about what I should do in my next chapter of life… like what new career I should have. The thing is, I would love to be a stay at home mom full time, but I am so not a believer in women being dependent in any way on a man. Ever. So I need to figure out a new career.

I keep hoping I will have an epiphany of some sort that helps guide me but it’s just not happening. I have considered taking a CNA class since CNAs can always find work somewhere and I would be okay with wearing scrubs every day… πŸ˜† I have also considered trying to start a Virtual Assistant business but I hate selling myself. The long range of that seems to not be very stable… although I believe that the perfectionist in me would make me awesome at it.

I considered going back to college but what pisses me off about college is that I would have to take about a million of those 090 classes, which don’t even count towards college credit, to even bring myself up to speed. That pisses me off. I mean, I work with numbers every single day of my 40ish years of Β life and I have yet to use any algebra from 8th grade beyond the first week or two of that instruction. WHY do I need to take MORE?

college

I have worked for 30 years straight this year. I’m so tired of working. I’m especially tired of “having” to work in order to survive. I know… I’m whining… fuck. I really just hate that I haven’t been able to CHOOSE to work, I guess. I would love the luxury.

My brother has found a great new girl and she came with two additional little girls. I knew he wouldn’t be single long. The good and stable guys never are. As much as I was sure he was going to end up being a carbon copy of my father, I am so proud that he has really grown over the last few years and is totally not. I was preparing to be basically family-less but he has really turned that around and we are closer than we ever have been. That’s real hard when you have a 12 year age difference!

My father is living well with his new wife. We have occasional brief and awkward phone calls where he is always trying too hard to get off the phone as quickly as possible and I’m trying to keep the conversation going. Oh well. I’m trying! :/

So, that’s the update on my life right now. All boring and bland but I had received a few messages asking me how things were going.

boring2

 

SUM UP: Stagnant but I’m okay with that. Need new career ideas.

PEACE!!!

I can’t believe how many emails, messages, and comments were left for me after my last post on my face plant after divorcing my husband of almost 20 years. I am so moved by all of your stories of strength and equally embarrassing face plants. I feel surrounded by so many strong and beautiful souls! πŸ™‚

I also received so many questions… I tried to reply to everyone but some questions kept coming up over and over again so I didn’t answer them all. I just mulled them over and decided to post my answers to reach as many of you in one shot as I could. Hopefully, I don’t offend anyone. (Screw that… I’m sure I will…)

The most often asked question was for me to tell my story. I will give you the short version here for time’s sake:

I met my ex-husband when I was 14 years old. We dated for four years through high school and I was married to him shortly after high school. I was 4 months pregnant at the time. I should have known what I was getting into… he cheated on me all through high school and had a major affair just 2 months prior to getting married. 😐

(I KNOW!!!!)

So, anyway… we went on… had two children, lived our super stressful lives… Along the way, we moved several times. We were never really stable but I thought we were happy. We ran a business together that was extremely stressful for me but was what he wanted and he was good at it and loved it. We had a stable home, two great kids, a dog, a cat, a boat, and two cars. Living the dream…

Then, one day, 11 years later, he decided he didn’t love me anymore. A month later, he left me. Another month later, much to my relief, he came home. We revamped our lives, moved again, and started over. Five years later, he began another affair while I was at my mother’s bedside as she passed away from breast cancer. The affair lasted a year. I was in shock when he confessed and didn’t know what in the fuck to do. I let him stay. I stayed. (I was so stupid.) We continued on and tried to rebuild.

In 2007, my son graduated high school. I saw pictures of myself at his graduation party. I was the fattest I have ever been and I looked miserable. And I was. I started reading self help books and blogs online. I started losing some weight. I started to care about myself again. I began educating myself on how to take care of me. I began seeing everything in a different light. The only redeeming reason that I could think of to stay in my marriage at that point was our family (HIS family… not mine… as I later realized…).

By the beginning of 2008, I began to start freaking myself out. I knew the signs now of the precursors of my ex-husband’s infidelity. He began showing signs of it again. Little things. Not taking his meds for his bipolar disorder, taking me for granted, being selfish with our finances, treating me like I was always the bad guy… I assumed that pretty soon he would start another affair. He wasn’t yet. And I know it was wrong to assume… but I did. I talked myself into it. I just knew I was in for it… I was convinced.

By the time he had a heart attack in the Spring, I was done… I knew that I was just done… When I look back now, I realize I was done when he confessed to the second affair. I just was not a strong enough person to recognize it at the time. πŸ˜• Aaaannnd… I really, really, REALLY loved my family… (aka HIS family… not mine… once again… duh.)

This man, who had devastated me by that time TWICE in my lifetime, was still someone I would have called my best friend. I realized I needed to tell him how I was feeling. Did that. He began acting super crazy after that. Paranoia on his part just settled in.

He was so emotional… like super freaky emotional… at the thought of me not being with him that I just shut down. Completely. I couldn’t handle his super emotional-ness, so I went the other direction… I became non-emotional. Now, if you know me, this is NOT me. At all. I am usually the super emotional freak. I just flaked out. I could not handle it.

Anyway, his super emotional paranoia caused him to leave the home. I told him before he left that he should not leave and that if he did I would not ask him back. He left. I didn’t ask him back. (I know I confused some people by saying in my post that I decided to separate… I feel like it was my choice because I didn’t ask him back.) It was all downhill from there…

All that followed was Jerry Springer shit. I heard a barrage of confessions on his and other women’s parts… stories of past indiscretions on his part… some in the first year of our marriage…Β  I, myself, entered into a rebound relationship with an ex-childhood boyfriend that was stupid and misguided. (He was a lying asshole at the end of the day…) I found out who my real friends were… two. My ex started just making up random stories about me that were completely fabricated but everyone thought they were true. I lost almost my entire family… my daughter was the only one who had my back. My husband fought me tooth and nail during a divorce with no real assets or anything just so he could have some kind of power trip.

I did try once to reconcile after separation. He came home and lived with me. I felt suffocated. He knew I had been seeing this ex-boyfriend even though I was not seeing him at all during the reconciliation. Yet, he was suspicious of everything I did. I had to sneak around to even just see friends. (Stupidity on my part… I should have told him to fuck off and leave me alone…) I found out he came home and had lied to me about his prior living situation (and romantic involvement with a roommate, apparently). He finally violently blew up at me and it was over. Done.

My divorce took 2 years to complete. We had no assets we were fighting over. His dispute was a freaking life insurance policy that he couldn’t afford and has probably lapsed. I just wanted my kids to be able to afford to bury him if need be in the future. Now they’ll have to foot the bill. He hired a very expensive attorney. My legal fees went from $600 (which would have paid for both of us had he been amicable) to over $2000. I realize that’s cheap by city standards but it’s alot of money to me. He was court ordered to pay $600 of my legal fees but he has never paid it. Oh well.

So that’s my story of the divorce. That’s a short version, obviously. So much more went on. My long time readers and EPers know what I went through. As soon as he left, I made a series of horrible decisions. I was an emotional train wreck for about a year to 18 months before I started pulling myself together. This was the time it took me to find myself.

I’m going to now answer the top 5 questions people asked me repeatedly in emails and messages and comments since my face plant post:

1. Weren’t you scared to be alone?

Well, yes. Yes, I was. Which is why I immediately dropped into a rebound relationship. Mistake numero UNO. You should learn from my mistakes, but I know you won’t. πŸ˜‰ That’s okay.

I did not really realize how incredibly alone I was going to be. You can kind of imagine it for yourself, but believe me when I tell you, take that times 10. I felt so incredibly alone. I lost everything and everyone in my life. My son hated me. My daughter was a Senior in high school. She was supportive but at that self-absorbed age. My extended family… well, I didn’t really have a family myself at that point… my unemotional father and my brother. My husband’s family virtually disappeared. Our friends didn’t want to take sides… such a lonely time…

During this time, I tried to nuture an untrue rebound relationship out of desperation. That was a big part of my FACE PLANT. I also went out and partied like a college student with money. πŸ˜† I never went to college or had any “college” years so I guess it was a way of making up for lost time… and a way to make me feel like I wasn’t really alone… but I was.

BUT… let me say this… You WILL come out of this phase. Hopefully, it will last for less time than mine did… But I assure you that you WILL emerge from this loneliness. You just really have to love yourself enough to know that you are worthy of someone’s company. Spend time with friends that support you. I had two friends who supported me. I practically lived at their homes. Join a meet up group or two. I met some pretty great people through those and it gave me something to do. Say YES to every invitation to go out. Don’t be afraid to experience new things and places and things to do. Stay busy!

One morning, I woke up in my bed, all alone, and thought… I slept great, I feel great, and shit… I look pretty damn good, too! πŸ˜€ I didn’t wake up feeling alone and lonely and full of despair at what I had done… it was all smooth sailing from there… that was May 10, 2010. Almost two years from my date of separation… it’s a process.

2. How did your kids take it? (aka Why didn’t you stay for the kids?)

First and foremost, I am a staunch believer that staying for the kids is STUPID. It’s like one of the most moronic things ever. Ever. Because children pick up on tensions and unloving actions. And then they just mimic that later in life. I am not a fan.

Secondly, my kids were grown (17 and 21 years old) and I thought they could handle it. I was wrong. They handled it better when they were younger and their dad left me for another woman… As adults, they were much less “okay” with it. I think this has alot to do with the parents…

Look, I would have loved an amicable split and remaining best of friends with my ex. Seriously. Every day of my life I wish that is what had happened. It is not. He is incredibly bitter and angry, even to this day. He has turned into his father which I never thought I would see. Those TV shows and movies showing exes having nice divorces are just LYING TO YOU! 😑

But I digress… My son was very bitter and spent the next couple of years in a bipolar spin of sorts. He was constantly breaking down into a poor me state… I think if he didn’t have bipolar disorder this would have went down much differently but that is not my reality… he lost it. Other bipolar people tell me that he probably would have lost it anyway on his own… He was partying too hard and failing at college. He had broken up with his high school sweetheart shortly after my separation. He was unmedicated and I couldn’t force him to take meds since he was now an “adult”.

My daughter was on the opposite spectrum. She was supportive but admitted that she was sad that we were divorcing. She understood, though. That’s because she saw alot more of my anguish than my son did during the years. My daughter is a homebody. She didn’t go out with friends to play or have much of a social life in high school. She was always home. She saw some of the things that happened. She experienced the ex-husband’s emotional outbursts with me and several even without me. She was witness to many scary things. So I think she understood, but was obviously sad.

Today, I feel my kids are doing fine. My daughter has her regular everyday twentysomething moments but I feel she is a very strong, stable, independent woman. I am super proud of her. She does tend to fall in my footsteps in terms of the men she picks for herself, but I am happy she is getting those mistakes out of the way NOW. I would hate for her to be almost 40 years old to figure it out.

My son… well, his bipolar disorder limits his maturity level. Even without the divorce, I think he would still probably blame me for all his problems. I chalk that up to bipolar and selfishness… because it’s been almost 6 years now… and even his own friends think he is ridiculous sometimes. And almost all of them have divorced parents…

Your kids will be okay. Someday. All I can tell you is to just be open and present in your children’s lives. Always. Don’t stop. Always be the bigger person and be willing to talk to them about anything. And always answer their questions truthfully. I have always done that and I think my kids are better for it. Do NOT be the parent that is so bitter that you make an ass of yourself trying to avoid your ex. Been there, done that… and it wasn’t me that looked like the ass…

3. Do you regret the divorce?

I used to. I actually had a time where I felt bad about everything that had transpired and sent a letter of apology to my ex. I even contemplated asking him to come home, but I refrained, figuring he would see between the lines of my apology and just do it. Thank goodness he did not.

I am almost 6 years post separation… I have never been happier in my whole life. I have a whole new life now and it’s a fucking AWESOME life! I now can honestly say that the only thing I regret is not leaving my ex-husband sooner. You will eventually get there, too, as long as you make the right choices for yourself eventually. Be true to you and love yourself. I know that sounds very cliche but I am serious.

4. I am (enter derogatory term here… fat/ugly/unemployed/stupid/etc). No one else will ever love me.

This isn’t really a question, but I felt like I had to address it… STOP. Seriously, just stop. You need to take your time and assess the situation and be honest with yourself. Everyone has faults. Everyone. If self esteem is an issue, you need to get that in order FIRST. Fair warning, once you start gaining self esteem, your tolerance level for mistreatment will be NIL, so be prepared…

At some point, you have to own the fact that you are what you are making yourself to be. Are you fat? Start exercising and dieting. Are you ugly? Start finding the great features about you and enhancing them. Are you stupid? Pick up a book, enlighten yourself! Are you feeling helpless and unemployed? Get into a training program, find any job possible, go back to school…

Be completely honest with yourself and how you feel about yourself. I highly recommend journaling or blogging. That’s what I did… although I am not a private person… Journaling is private, though, and allows you to look back and reflect on stupid shit you said about yourself. Once you have figured out what you hate about yourself, work to abolish those items on the list one by one.

I guarantee you that you will one day wake up EMPOWERED by your own courage and intelligence and beauty. And I hope that it makes you STRONG. It’s a really rough world out there… but no one has the authority to make you feel second rate… you allow that. So stop it. Right fucking now. And DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

5. How did you “get back out there”? (The “I’m scared to date” and “I’ll be alone forever” question)

This is my cautionary tale. Don’t do as I did…

By the time I separated, I was so done with my marriage. I had spent about 3 years living in utter regret and I was over it. I had an ex-boyfriend that heard I was separated right away and contacted me. I jumped in feet first and took off running. HUGE MISTAKE! Then, I proceeded to try dating and went out with a series of really shitty dates. So much fun. Not. 😐

The fact of the matter is, if you have been married a long ass time, you need time to be by yourself and learn to enjoy being alone, waking up alone, loving yourself wholly before being able to find genuine interest in other people. It truly was not until I was able to do this that I was actually worthy of being loved by someone else again.

Don’t skip steps… don’t jump in to anything… work on yourself first and love just being you… once you do that, THEN jump in. I didn’t do that. I jumped into the first shit pot that came along.

When I was truly ready, I started becoming more socially active (sometimes without alcohol πŸ˜† ). I went out with the meet up groups to get some social interaction. I said yes to every social invitation. I made an effort to make new friends and try new things. And that’s how I met my husband…

I like to think that my new found confidence and dazzling personality were what drew him in. The fact of the matter is, we met on an online dating site, realized we went to the same high school (albeit different crowds and years), and decided we were not each other’s type… but we both had similar interests and just decided to hang out as friends. That’s where I just assume that I won him over, because I was not his type at all… he always went for the skinny blond chicks with no personality. πŸ˜‰

You will find someone if you want to… there are single men everywhere… but I suggest you love yourself enough to really not give a shit if you end up alone forever before “getting back out there”. It really is true that you find love when you aren’t even really looking. Just be open enough to accept it. You are worthy of someone amazing coming into your life and loving you…

 

Alrighty… I know this post was super long… if you read through all that crap, you are either really a super fan or you are really hurting and needed it. Either way, take from it what you can and leave the rest. Don’t let anybody tell you how to live your life.

Everyone is unique in their emotional journey in this life. All I can do is let you into my personal journey as a warning of what NOT to do, but we all know you will just go do whatever it is you want to do. You will make mistakes along the way. It’s okay. Really. It’s all okay. You’ll make it through. And you’ll be smarter, more beautiful, and better than you ever imagined. I promise.

Much love.

PEACE!!!

Well, I stepped on the scale for the first time in forever and I have to say… I am extremely ashamed of myself. In the last 3 years, I have gained 40 pounds. It’s fucking ridiculous… I am ridiculous.

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I’m not stupid. I knew I had gained. I just didn’t think it was that much. 😦

So, February 2nd is my starting day again. I had planned on starting again anyway but now I am super motivated. My husband does NOT deserve to have a fat ass wife. He is super hot and he deserves at least a semi hot wife.

And, don’t give me all that bullshit about “doing it for yourself” as if that is the only way to do it “right”. Fuck you. I don’t believe that. My motivation is that I love my husband and he took a huge chance on me as I am NOT his body type at all and I am failing him. I love him dearly. He deserves so much more. My baby son also deserves a mom who can actually run and play with him, who he isn’t embarrassed to be seen with, and who will live to see him graduate and get married. If I had it my way, I would just be a smoking whale watching reality TV shows on the television all damn day… I really could care less about impressing myself… it’s the people in my life that I love who I need to do this for.

So, I have been cooking all damn night. Right now, the master plan is to get started back on Low Carb High Fat until I can switch to a ketosis stage where my hunger finally subsides. I did a trial run this morning and failed miserably… thus the marathon cooking and prep day.

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So, my new arsenal of items includes:

Turkey burgers
Hamburger and Cabbage Fry
Salmon Burgers
Meatloaf (made with only egg, parmesan, and a little coconut flour)
Some baked chicken thighs
Chicken salad
Tuna Salad
Hard Boiled Eggs
Pickle and Ham wraps

That should be good , right? Then why does it look so ick to me right now? πŸ˜† I need to just keep that “40 pounds” in my mind right now. I have to lose 40 pounds just to get to where I was when I started dating Andrew… Fuck me.

I currently have my Bodymedia Fit Advantage charging… I hope it still works… so far it hasn’t turned on but I think that’s because the battery was fully drained. I actually can’t wait to wear it again. It’s a constant reminder that I should be eating well and not being a dumbass. πŸ˜†

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If anyone would like to join me this time around, I welcome the company. I looked over at the old EP groups and I don’t know anyone participating right now. I am a lurker on a lot of the Low Carb groups on Facebook but a lot of those people are militant and bossy. I might get in trouble with those people. πŸ˜• So, those of you who know me well are more than welcome to join me… Well, everyone but Nate. Nate cheats. And, he’s male so he can cheat which just pisses me off even more… all this despite the fact that my balls are bigger than his. *sigh*

 

Side note: I want to thank everyone who submitted comments and sent me messages or emails in the last 30 days or so… You have brightened my outlook on so many things. It seems that everyone these days has dysfunctional families so I am no exception.Β I cannot believe how many people areΒ in so much emotional anguish and no longer are able to speak with their closest family members. It’s very sad, yet comforting to know I am not alone.

I have been empowered by your stories and now see how I can sustain my own values and thrive despite not having a “parental authority” who feels the same. I know now that I am the one. I am the strength. I will be the example for my own children. And that is all I can do now… talking to someone who isn’t listening and does not care is just causing more pain and suffering than I can handle. And stress just makes you fatter… like I need that shit! πŸ˜‰

Also, to everyone who brought perspective to my tenant and friend situations, especially Nate, Brenda, and Sharon… 100 times thank you! I have calmed down a bit so I have a better, more positive perspective of the situations at hand. Sometimes, good people can go mad and insane temporarily and put themselves in really shitty positions that they have a hard time navigating out of. I think it’s better to stay out of those situations now instead of trying to reason with them because they start showing you a side of them that you probably don’t want to know.

I’m going to give my tenants time to sort through their own personal shit. If they decide to continue to be white trash, then that will become apparent and they will probably exit themselves from my life on their own so there is no reason for me to intervene. I tried to reach out to my divorcing ex-BFF and she is still clammy. That’s okay. Her choice. She can live with it.

I am going to answer my other ex-BFF soon, just haven’t had the time… it helped to hear stories from some of you other Bipolar 1’s out there. I like that so many of you had compassion for your friends and family members that had to live through your experiences. It helped to hear your perspectives on that. So thank you so much for sharing. I know that isn’t easy, especially since none of you that contacted meΒ know me personally… I’m very grateful.

That all being said…

LET’S DOOOO THIS!

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So I have been reluctant to post because it seems like too much is going on in my life. When it rains, it doesn’t just pour… it freaking hails golf ball sized shit pellets on my head. πŸ™„

Here’s my mish mash of crap life has been throwing my way:

1. My dad decided after physically seeing a woman for like 10 days (MAYBE) that he is getting married in August. Of this year. And, No, I have not met her. At all. And then, when I protested, he made a nasty, snarky comment about me getting pregnant… so I told him to F off. I’m not saying I’m proud of it but… really? There is no need to throw out personal insults when your family is just looking out for you because they LOVE YOU. Jeez! πŸ™„

2. My son finally found a full time job and all he does every.single.day is WHINE about how working 40 hours a week being on his feet sucks ass. Poor guy. 😐

3. My tenant gave me only 2 weeks notice that he is moving out of my house which means I now have to go in and clean and fix all the shit I didn’t fix the first time AND I only got half a month’s rent AND I need to buy a new stove (Damage: $500)… And he was a freaking slob! He had 4 children, 2 dogs, and a crazy girlfriend who broke all his windows in his van out… how do you imagine my house will look when I get to go in there?

4. My husband took 2 weeks off of work to entertain his best friend who came to visit for one week. (You do the math…) All he has done this week is complain about how short his check is because he did that… on his own.

5. My car’s wheel bearing is going out. Damage: $300. Due: Soon… preferably before I die.

6. My youngest son’s new thing is to cry for an hour every night before he finally decides to go to sleep. It’s fun. Lots.

7. My boss called an annual meeting two weeks ago… for this week… right after my husband already took two weeks off work. And he works third shift. Do you know how freaking hard it is to find a babysitter for third shift? With no helpful family close by that is physically available? 😐

8. I went to the annual kinda-like-a-high-school-reunion festival over Memorial Day weekend. I do NOT look like Jennifer Lopez. I have NOT won the Lottery. I did NOT just list and immediately sell my awesome house on the golf course so I could move my two super duper cute little girls closer to my perfect 75% of the year job that pays me for 100% of the year. I am a first impression failure. FML.

9. I’m pretty sure I gained weight. I can’t say for sure but I think so. I’m totally not weighing myself until I get back from Dallas/Fort Worth AND I’ve finished the quart of chocolate peanut butter ice cream in my freezer. Period. πŸ˜›

Hmmmm…. I thought for sure I could make it to 10. Just another sign that I am a freaking loser mess right now.

Seriously… what is going on???? I had so much good karma over the last three or four years that I have used it all up? WTF?

Oh…

10. My husband’s check engine light came on and he told me we would need to use the remainder of the tax refund — the tax refund I wanted to use to get a new couch since our son is picking the old flaky fake leather off the one we have now and eating it — to make whatever repairs are needed for his truck… even though my car needs a $300 repair as well… before I die.

I knew I had 10 in me. At least I accomplished something today…

How ya’ll doing?

😐

I used to be really good about blogging regularly and now my mind is all ***BLAHHH***

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I can never seem to remember to post. I think of things to write about all the time but I am so overwhelmed with work now that my mind is a hot mess by the time I clock out for the day. I will cherish the day when I can retire…

Yeah. I said that.

I always thought I would be one of those people who would work until my dying day but my job is so high stress now. I can’t imagine anything more grating than having to work under this extreme pressure for the rest of my damn life. It’s sad really because I used to love this job. And I guess I still do… if I wasn’t being pressured to do the impossible all the time and actually given a pat on the back in a genuine way once in a while… 😐

So what have I been UP TO??? (Nate asked…)

Well, I got the flu right before Easter. Everyone in our house had it and it wiped me out for 3 days. It sucked. But I lost 4 pounds. Which I promptly gained back due to bloat. Yay me.

I did end up losing 10 pounds in the month of March. I know I should be happy with that, but I’m not. I hate dieting right now. If my husband genuinely liked fat chicks and they made clothes that looked better on my fat ass, I would give it up this second just to be able to eat a massive plate of beef stroganoff right now.

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It’s just so unfair that I can’t eat things I actually like and are comforting to me. Why can’t beef stroganoff only be 200 calories for a large platter of it? Dammit! And why does hot buttered popcorn have to be a gazillion calories? WHY?

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I am just way too anxious right now to get the weight off and 10 pounds a month seems so S-L-O-W. Back when I was actually commited, my goal was slow and steady wins the race. Thirty pounds a year was my only goal. Maybe that’s my problem. I am too overly anxious to hit my 30 this time around because I actually want to be even less than that.

I have all this “stuff” coming up… my birthday… summer… 4th of July… swimming. I can’t go out looking like I do now. I look horrible right now. The pregnancy really did a number on my shape. I’ve always been a curvy girl but now I am just a fat ass boy. Ick. So not happy about that. *sigh*

Ugh. I know. I’m just whining and being a pussy about this. πŸ™„

I’ve really been missing Petey lately. I’ve been watching old episodes of the Dog Whisperer on Netflix. Thank God there are only 12 available. My husband does have a dog, Kiana, but she has always hated me. She is a really jealous bitch (literally) and is not affectionate in any way whatsoever.

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I thought of maybe calling the people who adopted Petey to see how he’s doing but I have decided against it. I’m afraid that they will tell me that he ran away and they couldn’t find him or that they took him to the pound. I hope that hasn’t happened but I have decided that maybe it’s better if I don’t know. I would be devastated to find that out, especially since I fretted so much and spent so much time finding him a proper place where he could find a new loving home. I would feel awful if he didn’t end up being loved immensely for the rest of his life.

Because of my work hours and Andy’s schedule, I spend alot of time alone and having a dog to cuddle with and be my companion would really be helpful. Kiana ignores me most of the time, and when she isn’t ignoring me, she is generally disobeying me or trying to get my food. Andy isn’t big on lap dogs so she certainly is not one of those types to begin with.

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If I ever get another dog, I would love to have a smaller type dog. Not teeny but not really big either. Petey wasn’t always the most well behaved guy but I always knew that I could pick his ass up right up out of any situation and lay him down with just my hands. I could not do that with a larger dog.

Andy’s dog attacked the little ankle biter across the street a couple of days ago. If that had happened on my watch, I would not have been able to get her back under my control. Small dogs are controllable. Maybe that’s just me bullshitting myself. πŸ˜†

Oh… I wanted to thank BRENDA for notifying me that I am an extreme dumbass by finding the large size straps for my Bodyfit thingamajig. I bought one immediately after she sent the link. I got it in a few days… it immediately broke. 😦 I emailed Bodymedia and they promptly sent a new one out and didn’t make me send the old one back. THAT is good customer service right there…

One of my New Year’s Resolutions was that I was going to start making sure that people who gave good customer service were praised with a formal thank you card sent. People don’t do those things anymore. We are so accustomed to doing everything online or by phone. How many of you have been asked to take a survey at the end of a call and hang up before you actually get stuck doing it?

Well, I know first hand that those surveys actually help employees who deserve it… and personal comments are greatly appreciated and help those employees stand out with their employers. In todays world, I imagine there are all sorts of people who have really shitty jobs talking to people on the phone all day. The people they speak with are usually calling them with some type of problem. They are upset and frustrated and screaming and yelling… not what the representative probably wanted to hear but hey, it’s a job, right?

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I decided that I would try to start recognizing people for that. Because it’s a shitty world out there. People are being shit on and people are taking shit out on people they shouldn’t. When someone is providing me with great customer service, I fully have committed to making sure I commend that person and I hope to do it in a way where that employee will get some recognition from their employer.

I should also say this: if you provide horrible customer service, you just might be hearing from me on that as well… because you know what? There are 100 people out there who have been unemployed for more than a year who would love and appreciate having the position you don’t even act like you want to have… So you’d better watch out for me. πŸ˜‰

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Random thought: This is how busy I have been… I received my one Netflix movie 6 weeks ago. I haven’t watched it yet. 😐 Why am I paying for this? Grrr!

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Quickie Product Review: The MISTO. Anyone have this contraption? I have no idea why I bought it. They sell Pam with Olive Oil now… why do I need the MISTO? Anyway, I was at Bed, bath, and Beyond and felt compelled to buy it as I sat looking at it while sitting around waiting for a friend to finish shopping. I get it home and it’s broke right out of the box. And the freaking BB&B store is 75 miles away! GAH! I hate that! Anyway, just so you know… now that I do have it out of the box, even if it did work, I’m thinking “totally useless”.

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Okay, well, I have so much more to completely ramble on about, but now, it’s ONE FREAKING A.M. and I need to try to get some sleep before my kid wakes up at 3am… because that’s how he’s rolling these days. πŸ™„

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PEACE!!!