Archive for the ‘Insanity is my Defense’ Category

Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe it has been over a year since my last post here! Can you believe it??? I mean, I was a pretty faithful poster!

Thank you to everyone who sent me messages wondering where the hell I have been and what the fuck have I been doing? (Nate mostly on the latter.) Well, what I have been doing is living PEACEFULLY. COURAGEOUSLY. GRACIOUSLY.

Yeah. That’s my answer.

Oooooohhhhh, you nosy people need details??? Hahahahahahaha!!!!

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But, really, I know you do. That’s why you are some of my favorite people on Earth… I’m nosy like that, too.

The biggest thing I have been doing these last almost 18 months is living HAPPY!!!! You know, I started my blog originally way back in like 2007 on the good ol’ Myspace, I believe. It was started out of a bad emotional place and just escalated from there, but it was my journey through my midlife crisis. All of everyone witnessed the trainwreck that was me! All of everyone also was able to see me come out of it… and flourish… and overcome my worst enemy of all: Myself.

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Around the time of my last post, I decided that it was time to stop worrying so damn much about every single thing. I never thought of myself as a worrier butΒ  I TOTALLY AMΒ ! That’s why everything everyone else said or did to me or near me (or not even near me) made me so pissed… or cryie (not a word, but you know what I mean)… or sentimental… or just crazy…

I also realized that not every topic in life requires my opinion. There are some things that I should just ignore, because geez louise, they are just emotion leechers not even worthy of being noticed. (Politics would be a good example of this for me.)

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(this is where my politics lie.)

Once I put all that on the table, I felt so freaking deliriously happy! I feel like so many things emotionally have improved for me! I no longer live in my past as (what I believed to be) that stupid wife who let her cheating husband degrade her soul for twenty years to the point that she went almost insane. I’ve never felt better about myself than I do now and I even feel pretty good about that cheating EX-husband. He doesn’t know that or care and I am even okay with that! Those of you who know me, know this is a huge accomplishment for me.

My current life with my (new) husband is amazing. We are closer than ever. We are the best of friends and truly partners now. It took some time to convince the perpetual bachelor that he was truly stuck with me but he is totally IN the game now! πŸ˜‰

My, now, 4 year old love child son is the absolute greatest thing that ever happened to me. It’s kind of dangerous because I have a grandma attitude due to my age and having been through the parenting gig once already. My husband has to keep me in check. I am the parent and need to act accordingly no matter how absolutely adorable and charming my son is. Ha!

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This will be me.

My grandson is doing great and has finally shed his babyfat. He’s super smart and gets spoiled everyday… not by me, but by his other family. I’m much more okay with that now. I used to be hurt by the distantness but it’s a baby momma thing and I literally have absolutely no control over that or her or anything. I’m just happy he is well loved and cared for always.

My daughter finally found someone to partner with. She’s only 23 so that could change anytime but I trust that she will weather through whatever roads she takes. She is still taking the absolute longest road to becoming a nurse that anyone has ever taken… and I have learned that there is absolutely nothing I can do about that so I will do nothing until she asks me for help. That’s super hard for me but I am doing it! Yay me!

My son still struggles with his illness, but once again, he is an adult and is making his own decisions that he must live with. There is nothing I can do about that so I have stopped worrying about it. I kind of have realized that he is probably going to struggle emotionally for the rest of his life but his choices are his own. My job is simply to be supportive and love him. I feel much better after realizing this and no longer offering advice to someone who just appeases me has really made my life so much less stressful!

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The month after my last post, I started a new business doing art and crafts for Christmas. I live in a small rural area but I was swamped with orders! That business has grown slowly but steadily. I decided that to offset the stress of being told every month that my job may not be there tomorrow I would start building a base for something that I could later grow into something more major. I have alot of competition in my area but my perfectionism makes my quality way better and I have more work ethic than all of my competitors combined! This gives me alot of stress but at the same time alot of incredible joy!

My husband’s grandmother died very recently. We had been dealing with her medical issues most of last year and into the early part of this year. Another strong female figure in my life was gone. I spent alot of time talking one on one with her in the last 4 months of her life. Even though her transition out of this life was a rocky, painful road, I have so much appreciation for knowing her and knowing how dearly I was loved by her. She didn’t have to love me so purely, but she did and I could feel it.

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My own family continues to do their own things. My brother got married without telling or inviting anyone. I was hurt at the time but then I just felt bad that he did not feel he was close enough to any of his family or friends to invite them. So… we have been spending more time together as families who love each other. My father and his new wife are still distant in my life and will remain that way. He calls once every two months or so, probably because his wife suggests it, but I’m okay with that. I am not responsible for how he thinks of me. New concept. LOL

My father-in-law is still a little distant but closer than he used to be, I guess. Family trauma will sometimes bring people a little closer. His sister was here for a couple of months when we were taking care of and saying good bye to his mother. She’s a strong woman who demands certain involvement so I think everyone is always closer when she’s around… she’ll kick your ass if you aren’t… literally. She’s my favorite woman! We have a standing phone date every Saturday afternoon.

So this is what I have been doing and where the hell I have been! Loving my family for who they want to be. Living each day with joy and having gratitude for my long journey that got me here. Making conscious decisions to suck it up and not worry about crap I cannot control. Working towards building a future… even as I hurtle towards being 50 years old… YIKES!

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For anyone wanting to check out my business (and buy some stuff), please visit my Facebook page at: http://www.facebook.com/kathryndesignsartdecormore

What’s next for me is I am thinking of starting a whole new blog… less emotional… more fun… much more joyfulness. I’ll post here if and when I decide to launch that. Sound boring? It’s not. You can jump on the happy train and quit judging me, you know?

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Don’t be this girl.

PEACE!!!

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I can’t believe how many emails, messages, and comments were left for me after my last post on my face plant after divorcing my husband of almost 20 years. I am so moved by all of your stories of strength and equally embarrassing face plants. I feel surrounded by so many strong and beautiful souls! πŸ™‚

I also received so many questions… I tried to reply to everyone but some questions kept coming up over and over again so I didn’t answer them all. I just mulled them over and decided to post my answers to reach as many of you in one shot as I could. Hopefully, I don’t offend anyone. (Screw that… I’m sure I will…)

The most often asked question was for me to tell my story. I will give you the short version here for time’s sake:

I met my ex-husband when I was 14 years old. We dated for four years through high school and I was married to him shortly after high school. I was 4 months pregnant at the time. I should have known what I was getting into… he cheated on me all through high school and had a major affair just 2 months prior to getting married. 😐

(I KNOW!!!!)

So, anyway… we went on… had two children, lived our super stressful lives… Along the way, we moved several times. We were never really stable but I thought we were happy. We ran a business together that was extremely stressful for me but was what he wanted and he was good at it and loved it. We had a stable home, two great kids, a dog, a cat, a boat, and two cars. Living the dream…

Then, one day, 11 years later, he decided he didn’t love me anymore. A month later, he left me. Another month later, much to my relief, he came home. We revamped our lives, moved again, and started over. Five years later, he began another affair while I was at my mother’s bedside as she passed away from breast cancer. The affair lasted a year. I was in shock when he confessed and didn’t know what in the fuck to do. I let him stay. I stayed. (I was so stupid.) We continued on and tried to rebuild.

In 2007, my son graduated high school. I saw pictures of myself at his graduation party. I was the fattest I have ever been and I looked miserable. And I was. I started reading self help books and blogs online. I started losing some weight. I started to care about myself again. I began educating myself on how to take care of me. I began seeing everything in a different light. The only redeeming reason that I could think of to stay in my marriage at that point was our family (HIS family… not mine… as I later realized…).

By the beginning of 2008, I began to start freaking myself out. I knew the signs now of the precursors of my ex-husband’s infidelity. He began showing signs of it again. Little things. Not taking his meds for his bipolar disorder, taking me for granted, being selfish with our finances, treating me like I was always the bad guy… I assumed that pretty soon he would start another affair. He wasn’t yet. And I know it was wrong to assume… but I did. I talked myself into it. I just knew I was in for it… I was convinced.

By the time he had a heart attack in the Spring, I was done… I knew that I was just done… When I look back now, I realize I was done when he confessed to the second affair. I just was not a strong enough person to recognize it at the time. πŸ˜• Aaaannnd… I really, really, REALLY loved my family… (aka HIS family… not mine… once again… duh.)

This man, who had devastated me by that time TWICE in my lifetime, was still someone I would have called my best friend. I realized I needed to tell him how I was feeling. Did that. He began acting super crazy after that. Paranoia on his part just settled in.

He was so emotional… like super freaky emotional… at the thought of me not being with him that I just shut down. Completely. I couldn’t handle his super emotional-ness, so I went the other direction… I became non-emotional. Now, if you know me, this is NOT me. At all. I am usually the super emotional freak. I just flaked out. I could not handle it.

Anyway, his super emotional paranoia caused him to leave the home. I told him before he left that he should not leave and that if he did I would not ask him back. He left. I didn’t ask him back. (I know I confused some people by saying in my post that I decided to separate… I feel like it was my choice because I didn’t ask him back.) It was all downhill from there…

All that followed was Jerry Springer shit. I heard a barrage of confessions on his and other women’s parts… stories of past indiscretions on his part… some in the first year of our marriage…Β  I, myself, entered into a rebound relationship with an ex-childhood boyfriend that was stupid and misguided. (He was a lying asshole at the end of the day…) I found out who my real friends were… two. My ex started just making up random stories about me that were completely fabricated but everyone thought they were true. I lost almost my entire family… my daughter was the only one who had my back. My husband fought me tooth and nail during a divorce with no real assets or anything just so he could have some kind of power trip.

I did try once to reconcile after separation. He came home and lived with me. I felt suffocated. He knew I had been seeing this ex-boyfriend even though I was not seeing him at all during the reconciliation. Yet, he was suspicious of everything I did. I had to sneak around to even just see friends. (Stupidity on my part… I should have told him to fuck off and leave me alone…) I found out he came home and had lied to me about his prior living situation (and romantic involvement with a roommate, apparently). He finally violently blew up at me and it was over. Done.

My divorce took 2 years to complete. We had no assets we were fighting over. His dispute was a freaking life insurance policy that he couldn’t afford and has probably lapsed. I just wanted my kids to be able to afford to bury him if need be in the future. Now they’ll have to foot the bill. He hired a very expensive attorney. My legal fees went from $600 (which would have paid for both of us had he been amicable) to over $2000. I realize that’s cheap by city standards but it’s alot of money to me. He was court ordered to pay $600 of my legal fees but he has never paid it. Oh well.

So that’s my story of the divorce. That’s a short version, obviously. So much more went on. My long time readers and EPers know what I went through. As soon as he left, I made a series of horrible decisions. I was an emotional train wreck for about a year to 18 months before I started pulling myself together. This was the time it took me to find myself.

I’m going to now answer the top 5 questions people asked me repeatedly in emails and messages and comments since my face plant post:

1. Weren’t you scared to be alone?

Well, yes. Yes, I was. Which is why I immediately dropped into a rebound relationship. Mistake numero UNO. You should learn from my mistakes, but I know you won’t. πŸ˜‰ That’s okay.

I did not really realize how incredibly alone I was going to be. You can kind of imagine it for yourself, but believe me when I tell you, take that times 10. I felt so incredibly alone. I lost everything and everyone in my life. My son hated me. My daughter was a Senior in high school. She was supportive but at that self-absorbed age. My extended family… well, I didn’t really have a family myself at that point… my unemotional father and my brother. My husband’s family virtually disappeared. Our friends didn’t want to take sides… such a lonely time…

During this time, I tried to nuture an untrue rebound relationship out of desperation. That was a big part of my FACE PLANT. I also went out and partied like a college student with money. πŸ˜† I never went to college or had any “college” years so I guess it was a way of making up for lost time… and a way to make me feel like I wasn’t really alone… but I was.

BUT… let me say this… You WILL come out of this phase. Hopefully, it will last for less time than mine did… But I assure you that you WILL emerge from this loneliness. You just really have to love yourself enough to know that you are worthy of someone’s company. Spend time with friends that support you. I had two friends who supported me. I practically lived at their homes. Join a meet up group or two. I met some pretty great people through those and it gave me something to do. Say YES to every invitation to go out. Don’t be afraid to experience new things and places and things to do. Stay busy!

One morning, I woke up in my bed, all alone, and thought… I slept great, I feel great, and shit… I look pretty damn good, too! πŸ˜€ I didn’t wake up feeling alone and lonely and full of despair at what I had done… it was all smooth sailing from there… that was May 10, 2010. Almost two years from my date of separation… it’s a process.

2. How did your kids take it? (aka Why didn’t you stay for the kids?)

First and foremost, I am a staunch believer that staying for the kids is STUPID. It’s like one of the most moronic things ever. Ever. Because children pick up on tensions and unloving actions. And then they just mimic that later in life. I am not a fan.

Secondly, my kids were grown (17 and 21 years old) and I thought they could handle it. I was wrong. They handled it better when they were younger and their dad left me for another woman… As adults, they were much less “okay” with it. I think this has alot to do with the parents…

Look, I would have loved an amicable split and remaining best of friends with my ex. Seriously. Every day of my life I wish that is what had happened. It is not. He is incredibly bitter and angry, even to this day. He has turned into his father which I never thought I would see. Those TV shows and movies showing exes having nice divorces are just LYING TO YOU! 😑

But I digress… My son was very bitter and spent the next couple of years in a bipolar spin of sorts. He was constantly breaking down into a poor me state… I think if he didn’t have bipolar disorder this would have went down much differently but that is not my reality… he lost it. Other bipolar people tell me that he probably would have lost it anyway on his own… He was partying too hard and failing at college. He had broken up with his high school sweetheart shortly after my separation. He was unmedicated and I couldn’t force him to take meds since he was now an “adult”.

My daughter was on the opposite spectrum. She was supportive but admitted that she was sad that we were divorcing. She understood, though. That’s because she saw alot more of my anguish than my son did during the years. My daughter is a homebody. She didn’t go out with friends to play or have much of a social life in high school. She was always home. She saw some of the things that happened. She experienced the ex-husband’s emotional outbursts with me and several even without me. She was witness to many scary things. So I think she understood, but was obviously sad.

Today, I feel my kids are doing fine. My daughter has her regular everyday twentysomething moments but I feel she is a very strong, stable, independent woman. I am super proud of her. She does tend to fall in my footsteps in terms of the men she picks for herself, but I am happy she is getting those mistakes out of the way NOW. I would hate for her to be almost 40 years old to figure it out.

My son… well, his bipolar disorder limits his maturity level. Even without the divorce, I think he would still probably blame me for all his problems. I chalk that up to bipolar and selfishness… because it’s been almost 6 years now… and even his own friends think he is ridiculous sometimes. And almost all of them have divorced parents…

Your kids will be okay. Someday. All I can tell you is to just be open and present in your children’s lives. Always. Don’t stop. Always be the bigger person and be willing to talk to them about anything. And always answer their questions truthfully. I have always done that and I think my kids are better for it. Do NOT be the parent that is so bitter that you make an ass of yourself trying to avoid your ex. Been there, done that… and it wasn’t me that looked like the ass…

3. Do you regret the divorce?

I used to. I actually had a time where I felt bad about everything that had transpired and sent a letter of apology to my ex. I even contemplated asking him to come home, but I refrained, figuring he would see between the lines of my apology and just do it. Thank goodness he did not.

I am almost 6 years post separation… I have never been happier in my whole life. I have a whole new life now and it’s a fucking AWESOME life! I now can honestly say that the only thing I regret is not leaving my ex-husband sooner. You will eventually get there, too, as long as you make the right choices for yourself eventually. Be true to you and love yourself. I know that sounds very cliche but I am serious.

4. I am (enter derogatory term here… fat/ugly/unemployed/stupid/etc). No one else will ever love me.

This isn’t really a question, but I felt like I had to address it… STOP. Seriously, just stop. You need to take your time and assess the situation and be honest with yourself. Everyone has faults. Everyone. If self esteem is an issue, you need to get that in order FIRST. Fair warning, once you start gaining self esteem, your tolerance level for mistreatment will be NIL, so be prepared…

At some point, you have to own the fact that you are what you are making yourself to be. Are you fat? Start exercising and dieting. Are you ugly? Start finding the great features about you and enhancing them. Are you stupid? Pick up a book, enlighten yourself! Are you feeling helpless and unemployed? Get into a training program, find any job possible, go back to school…

Be completely honest with yourself and how you feel about yourself. I highly recommend journaling or blogging. That’s what I did… although I am not a private person… Journaling is private, though, and allows you to look back and reflect on stupid shit you said about yourself. Once you have figured out what you hate about yourself, work to abolish those items on the list one by one.

I guarantee you that you will one day wake up EMPOWERED by your own courage and intelligence and beauty. And I hope that it makes you STRONG. It’s a really rough world out there… but no one has the authority to make you feel second rate… you allow that. So stop it. Right fucking now. And DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

5. How did you “get back out there”? (The “I’m scared to date” and “I’ll be alone forever” question)

This is my cautionary tale. Don’t do as I did…

By the time I separated, I was so done with my marriage. I had spent about 3 years living in utter regret and I was over it. I had an ex-boyfriend that heard I was separated right away and contacted me. I jumped in feet first and took off running. HUGE MISTAKE! Then, I proceeded to try dating and went out with a series of really shitty dates. So much fun. Not. 😐

The fact of the matter is, if you have been married a long ass time, you need time to be by yourself and learn to enjoy being alone, waking up alone, loving yourself wholly before being able to find genuine interest in other people. It truly was not until I was able to do this that I was actually worthy of being loved by someone else again.

Don’t skip steps… don’t jump in to anything… work on yourself first and love just being you… once you do that, THEN jump in. I didn’t do that. I jumped into the first shit pot that came along.

When I was truly ready, I started becoming more socially active (sometimes without alcohol πŸ˜† ). I went out with the meet up groups to get some social interaction. I said yes to every social invitation. I made an effort to make new friends and try new things. And that’s how I met my husband…

I like to think that my new found confidence and dazzling personality were what drew him in. The fact of the matter is, we met on an online dating site, realized we went to the same high school (albeit different crowds and years), and decided we were not each other’s type… but we both had similar interests and just decided to hang out as friends. That’s where I just assume that I won him over, because I was not his type at all… he always went for the skinny blond chicks with no personality. πŸ˜‰

You will find someone if you want to… there are single men everywhere… but I suggest you love yourself enough to really not give a shit if you end up alone forever before “getting back out there”. It really is true that you find love when you aren’t even really looking. Just be open enough to accept it. You are worthy of someone amazing coming into your life and loving you…

 

Alrighty… I know this post was super long… if you read through all that crap, you are either really a super fan or you are really hurting and needed it. Either way, take from it what you can and leave the rest. Don’t let anybody tell you how to live your life.

Everyone is unique in their emotional journey in this life. All I can do is let you into my personal journey as a warning of what NOT to do, but we all know you will just go do whatever it is you want to do. You will make mistakes along the way. It’s okay. Really. It’s all okay. You’ll make it through. And you’ll be smarter, more beautiful, and better than you ever imagined. I promise.

Much love.

PEACE!!!

I thought this was funny…

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As many of you know, my separation and divorce was hardly a graceful exit on my part. In fact, I pretty much face planted right out of the gate.

I mean it’s pretty funny now, but at the time, I was a hot mess. I don’t know what I was thinking when I first got separated. I am just going to claim insanity. But I think all women who separate after being married a long time (almost 20 years!) go through a bit of insanity at first.

Basically, when I decided to separate, I jumped head first. I was terrified and excited all at the same time. All of a sudden, I was free to do anything and everything I always wanted to do. And, of course, the very first thing I did was face plant myself into a fucking moron. πŸ˜†

Live and Learn!

I guess now I look back on those first few months the same way I look back on my junior high years… I can’t believe how stupid, insane, wreckless, scared, embarrassing, and awkward I was but I lived through it. I got past it. I learned who I wanted to be and became that.

I live in a very small community and many people know my history. Word of mouth (aka Gossip) travels fast and for years and years here. You would not believe the number of times people… women… distraught women… are “referred” to me when their husband or longtime partner cheats on them.

Yes. I am serious. This happens. Complete strangers get told about the years upon years that I endured with infidelity, and in their panic and desperation, they actually seek me out for advice. I know. Its weird.

The first couple of times this happened to me I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy. I mean, I didn’t know these people and they are telling me intimate details of their relationships. Its weird!

But now, I am much more at ease… maybe all that freaking “empathy” training at work is helping now… I have a whole spiel I go through with these poor broken souls.

And if, at the end of the day, they decide to leave the situation or get left, I make sure to tell them all the gory details of my face plant.

And they never listen… πŸ˜† Oh well. I try.

But that’s okay. I don’t judge. People do stupid shit all the time and I am no exception. I actually feel that telling my story after separation is more of a way to tell these brave people that its okay to make a complete ass of yourself early on in your separation…

Making mistakes is the only way to find out who you want to be… and it takes a super brave person to live through that awkward time in life and come out smarter…

There’s definitely a couple that have turned the wrong way and have landed themselves in a perpetual state of Jerry Springer land, but I have seen a few women who are absolutely the strongest, most beautiful, and smartest women (and at least 2 men!) emerge from the depths of hell.
Such sad memories and super embarrassing life lessons. Totally worth it though.

And to all you long time readers, EPers, and my dear friends… thank you for letting me make an ass out of myself but still loving me anyway. πŸ˜‰

PEACE!!!

I know it has been a while… which is why now I have a crapload of stuff to talk about. Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

So I have a new job. 😐 Same employer but new position. I am so freaking relieved! The downside is that I am no longer a part of the team I was with for the last 20 years. I also am no longer a matriarch of that group as a result. That is a real bummer and quite sad but I would be blatantly lying if I did not admit to feel extraordinary relief over this. I am very excited about the new road. I will still be helping people on a regular basis but I will not be under super intense scrutiny regarding my time. I need that right now, even if only for a little while.

So this new job put me in training for 3 weeks straight and then I have to travel to Texas for my final week of training. EP members probably remember me bitch PROFUSELY about not being able to take any time off at Christmas. Well, apparently in this new position, they don’t even have us scheduled to do anything the entire week of Christmas! SCORE! So I was automatically approved for that week off. Woo hoo!

Prior to knowing all this, I had started the process of getting carpal tunnel surgery. I was going to do this prior to the end of the year which would have forced my manager to let me off for Christmas. But then I would have been unable to pick up the baby for at least 6-8 weeks… 😦 I decided to postpone all of that so I could train for the new position. Sustaining my income is way more important that ridding myself of chronic pain. Plus, I was only eligible for 4 weeks of FMLA and I had to use it before January 19th. Postponing works out.

So I am NOT normally one of those hypochondriac whiny people. I tend to keep most aches, pains, and illnesses to myself. Case in point… I have been ill on and off since the wedding with sinus and cold symptoms. No one would know this because I don’t whine about that small stuff. And I know this is going to sound over the top dramatic but… I am pretty sure I have rheumatoid arthritis. If it’s not that then it’s either gonorrhea, mountain fever, or West African Trypanosomiasis. Damn it. 😐

Andy still sucks to buy gifts for and once again, you people have been NO help. All my gifts for him are boring and lame. I was going to get him something cool and then he goes and buys it for himself.

WHAT THE F?

Who does that? You should NEVER buy yourself any gifts or wants beyond Halloween, because you are just ruining someone else’s gift giving experience. Thank you very much.

I’ve been trying not to buy for Sean so that we can go together on that, but it is so HARD! I was in IKEA last week and saw JAWS… yes, you read that right… JAWS!Β  There is no way in hell I could pass that up… I mean, come on, right???

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I bought a new plasma 50″ TV on a Black Friday special. It’s great. Andy doesn’t think so but I do. Of course, I have tried telling him that we need to sit further back for it to look its best. He literally has us sitting 4 feet from it. I have asked him multiple times if we can rearrange the living room and he just flat out refuses. It’s maddening. I mean, as it is now, we cannot have any company over because it is so closed in and smaller than it needs to be. πŸ™„

Usually I can get my way on things like this… eventually. I have a system. I just “mention” something in passing to put feelers out there. Then if he doesn’t act like that’s a good idea, I argue my point. Then he gets frustrated with me and says something insensitive and stupid. Then, a couple of days later, his guilt kicks in and I get my way! πŸ˜€ That has not worked this time. Grrr!

My daughter is following in her stupid mother’s footsteps by letting her boyfriend repeatedly cheat on her. I hate that I set such a horrible example and I also know that no amount of lecturing is going to change her mind on how she handles this situation. So now I have to just sit back and watch helplessly and just be there for her when she needs emotional support. It sucks balls! My only good side of this is that she thankfully is not married to the douchebag and she does not have any children with him. Hooray for Implanon!

So that whole situation caused my grown ass son to inexplicably decide to disown his sister, saying he wants nothing to do with her because:

  • she doesn’t take his very rational and supposedly unbiased advice
  • her boyfriend is a “cancer” to the family
  • she is always doling out unwanted advice herself
  • she is ruining her future
  • he always takes my advice and she should to

So… I had to laugh on this. He NEVER takes my advice. He may “consider” my advice but he NEVER takes it. Ever. He considers her boyfriend to be a “cancer” to the entire family, but his father did the EXACT SAME THING. Whenever he gives advice, it is not sane or rational or even useable because it usually is still skewed to benefit himself in the long run… yes, even on matters that don’t involve him in any way. And, considering his current situation, he is the last person who can say someone else is ruining their future. Geez, kid. Wake up from your Hypocrisy Dream World!

My new TV thing is to watch season after season of completely stupid shows… I did Hart of Dixie one weekend with Chelsea. What a stupid unrealistic show. I watch Once Upon a Time, which is also unrealistic and now grating on my last nerve. Then I started watching Revenge, which is okay but the main characters drive me nuts. I also watch Guys with Kids (Tempest Bledsoe and Anthony Anderson are too FUNNY!), the New Normal, The B in Apt 23,Β  Ben and Kate… and all those shows require no intellect at all. πŸ˜›

I finally caught up on The Amazing Race and so glad the gays won, even if the didn’t necessarily deserve it. They just happened to be smarter for the last challenge. I actually liked the twins but the rest of America probably hated them. Don’t say anything about Survivor, Project Runway All-Stars, or Top Chef as I am not yet caught up. The breast cancer storyline on Parenthood is bumming me out but that whole Sarah storyline is making me start to hate the show. I endured the last season of America’s Next Top Model. What a train wreck that show has turned out to be, eh?

My dad has decided that he is giving gifts for Christmas this year. I hate when he does that. He did that one year and I got towels and a used Gevalia coffee maker. The next year I got $300. Now, I know you are supposed to be thankful for whatever gift you are given. And, believe me, I fully understand that I am 42 years old… I shouldn’t expect anything at all. BUT, there is a HUGE disparity between $300 and $30 in towels (they were really nice towels but still!). Anyway, so he wants to give gifts. So I asked for a 2013 Grand Caravan.

van

He asked me if they made that in Matchbox. 😐

Not funny.

Okay, so I asked for other things too but only the things I really want and they are decent gifts. Nowhere on this list does it say “used”. I also made sure that no towels were listed at all. I am hoping for a grill or a stove. I will be happy for whatever I get, though. Because I’m 42. I shouldn’t even be getting gifts anymore. **counting my blessings**

During my long, tortuous work days, I can think of so many things to talk about but there is never enough time lately to get them posted. Now I am posting and I can feel that I am forgetting a boatload of stuff. Accckkkk! 😯

Okay well I guess I will just add on later if I think of anything else. Hope everyone is keeping warm! It’s cold out there! Brrr!

freezing

PEACE!!!

 

Hey ya’ll. Just wanted to pop in and say THANK YOU! As usual, you all are much more sane and rational than I will ever be…

You are ALL right… even Naters πŸ˜›

We live in a world of so many untraditional families these days. After hearing all your stories about your own families, I don’t feel too bad anymore. No family survives without dysfunction seeping in somewhere, I guess… 😐

That said, I still feel the need to not take this lying down. πŸ™‚

I will still try to show Andrew and Sean every single day how much they mean to me and that we are a family through and through and that I will always have their backs.

No.matter.what.

I’m still going to go out of my way to be the family member I want others to be and hope some of it rubs off on some of them. πŸ‘Ώ What the heck, right? I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And I would rather lead Sean by example.

Talk is cheap. You can say all day long that you are a good mother/father/brother/sister, but if your actions don’t show it, then it all just means nothing at all. So I intend to show it. Because that’s who I am. And I should be genuinely me. They can talk about me later. πŸ˜†

So, thank you. For the emails, and the comments, and the messages. I so appreciate that I can get decent feedback that isn’t super insane or ego driven. Well, except for Nate, but you know what I mean. πŸ™„ (Love you, Naters!)

In other news, I am still moving out of my house… but the clock is ticking because I have a renter finally. And they are willing to keep my poor Petey. Yay!

I was able to reach James who acted all surprised that I was moving out and renting the house. 😯 Yeah. I know. I’ve told him how many times? I offered him the house how many times? Then he tried to act like he wanted it. Too late, honey!

I love the kid and I would do anything for my grandson but James dropped the ball on this one. He admitted that he wanted me to offer it for free but I doubt he would have taken it even then. He just would have led me on. Time for him to grow up and start paying his own way. I’m no longer available to take for granted… Tough love. Gotta do it…

Chelsea is taking 2 classes this summer. So proud of her but I have never heard someone complain about entry level Humanities and Philosophy so much! Geez Louise! These are supposed to be EASY classes… πŸ™„ I think she freaks herself out and makes them way harder than they need to be. The semester is almost done, though. Then it’s on to Anatomy and Physiology. 😯 She doesn’t know what hard is until she gets to this next class! πŸ˜†

Sean is going through a growth spurt and is onery as hell. But he is so precious! Maybe it’s because I’m older now, because I don’t remember feeling this way with my other children, but I cannot STAND it if I don’t get to put him to bed. Last night, I moved stuff and had a sitter and Andrew care for him and put him to bed and I was so upset that I didn’t get to see him before he went to bed!

Wedding planning is commencing… slowly… its so hard to do all of it when I have a million other things to do at my house. Next weekend is the deadline for getting out of there, though. Do or die. And then I will spend a month freaking out about how much is undone with the wedding… Grrrr! Prepare for major meltdowns there!

Okay, well, this was just a quickie. I am off to cut flags for bunting for the reception. Joy. Fun. Ugh! I am so far behind! πŸ˜†

PEACE!!!

Today was Andrew’s annual family picnic. And I have been crying all night. πŸ˜₯

Maybe it’s just the jolt of changing hormones since I have cut back the breastfeeding in the last couple of days. Maybe it’s PMS. Maybe it’s regret. Maybe it’s just me being insane and crazy. I don’t know what it is.

Here’s the deal…

I miss my old family. Not my ex-husband, mind you. My old family. His family. Because no matter what, in that family, we all mattered to each other and we all took time to care for one another. And we always had each other’s back. And we were always pretty damn considerate of each other. Period. End of story.

Today, I sat with a family that was disconnected. It saddened me. Really, really saddened me. Because that’s not me. At. All. The dynamic just was so… off…

People sat in clique-y little groups. Some people never even spoke to me. Old women had underlying tensions. There was no comaraderie. Everyone was itching to leave as soon as they finished eating and a few did. People I hugged were emotionless and stiff. I won’t say everyone was that way but I would say at least half were.

Maybe most families are that way. I don’t know. All I know is what I am used to and how I believe a family should react to each other. My former family was not that way. And, if any of them were that way, I would have immediately called them out for it. Old timers will remember the post I had about that epic fight I got in with my now ex-ex-evil-sister in law as proof of that fact.

And so that is how the day went. And it sent me into such a ridiculous tailspin that I didn’t get anything done tonight and all I want to do now is go to bed. So depressing. 😦

This sucks. I am a huge family person. I have been ever since Tim left me in 2000. That’s my survival mechanism… not that I need a survival mechanism right now. I’m just saying…

I now do fully understand where Andrew gets his unemotional side from, though. Some of the people I physically touched today felt as though they had no warmth anywhere in their bodies. It is a very eerie feeling when you touch that. Unnerving, in fact.

I think Andrew sensed that I was a bit “off” towards the end because he was very warm and loving and waited patiently while I stood with his grandmother to see the last few off. He knew I was feeling a bit disappointed in some things that were done and said but made sure I knew that he loved me regardless. It was very sweet. πŸ™‚

He’s used to all this. Which is sad. But now I understand why he does things a certain way with his family. Now I understand why he doesn’t seem to be too attached to them and doesn’t want to count on them for anything ever, even though he sometimes can’t help it.

It makes me so determined to show him that family isn’t like this. That OUR family between us will NOT be like that. That he can ALWAYS count on me as his family. As much as he hates when I give in to James and help when I really shouldn’t, I think he understands that that is my feeling about what family is and he appreciates it to a certain degree. At least, I hope so. 😐

I know for a fact that I don’t want Sean to grow up feeling the way Andrew does about family. I want Sean to know that his brother and sister ALWAYS have his back. That he can count on us to drop everything for him because he is important to us. James, while not the best family member right now, has the base upbringing to be that for Sean someday. And Chelsea will *ALWAYS* have his back. I have absolutely no doubt about that one. I’m so happy that I at least have that.

The whole day was just very depressing for me. I am somewhat realizing that when Andrew’s grandmother passes away, my poor son will have no sense of extended family like my kids got to have. This is the *ONLY* time ever in my life when I wish my dad lived closer, especially now that he finally “gets” what I mean by “family”. As much as he drives me absolutely batshit crazy as his daughter, he is an excellent, excellent, excellent grandfather. He must be making up for the father years…Β  πŸ˜†

I hope this feeling doesn’t happen after every family event or holiday. My days of trying to be a matriarch are long gone. I hope that as Sean gets older, I can create new traditions for us as a small family unit that he can at least hand down to his own family to show them how much they mean to him and that he can eventually turn our small family unit into a large family unit again.

I also think that I am going try to force myself to give genuine hugs to people in Andrew’s family from here on out. Today, when I hugged someone in particular, their touch was so stiff and rigid and cold and emotionless that I almost recoiled physically. It was that noticable.

And the first thing I thought after that happened was how sad it must be for that person to go through life without feeling anything. Now… maybe I am totally being a bitch for assuming this person has no emotions… but today that person felt dead when I hugged them. Extremely sad. Heart wrenching. 😦

So now, I am going to make a point of genuinely hugging those people and hoping some of my heart and soul seeps into theirs and gives them just a teeny bit of warmth that maybe they can share with someone else in their lives. πŸ˜† I sound like a tree hugger, huh? πŸ™„

Anyway, wish me luck because I have a feeling I’m gonna need it! πŸ˜†

I know! I know! I have been so caught up in my everyday life that I keep forgetting to post my blogs! I keep telling myself everyday that I am going to post and then I get sidetracked! :/

Most of my time has been spent working on either my real job or my wedding planning. I am kicking ass at my real job but I hate that it takes 60-90 days to see the results of all my hard work. I have really been trying to get my numbers up because I have no voice if I don’t. I have even been spending my time off working on it! It sucks! πŸ˜†

I will say this about the wedding planning: I am planning to do a whole web series on diy projects surrounding it. Our budget is very small. $3000. Apparently, as I look all over the web universe, this is a paltry amount that almost no one can stick to… but I am attempting it.

When you have such a small budget, you end up doing alot of projects yourself. Alot. My first project was my wedding invitations, complete with RSVPs and directional flyers. I am still in process but that will be my first post in the series. I’ll then continue the series with all the other projects I plan to do so keep an eye out! 😯

My baby grandson that was born at 29 weeks gestational age finally got out of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and went home yesterday. We are very excited that he has done so well and I really hope I get to see him often. He’s so tiny compared to my little tubby son!

The baby momma is finally having a baby shower and I am totally getting her a Angelcare monitor. Premies have an increased risk of SIDS and he had several spells in the hospital of stopping breathing so I am anxious for him to have such a high quality and effective tool to help him in his first year or so of life.

I’m a little nervous about posibly seeing Tim’s girlfriend at this baby shower, but I’m just going to ride it out and assume she’s a good person… right? 😐 Uh… well… James’ baby momma’s family knows her personally as her ex-husband is part of their family so I’m not the only one uncomfortable so that’s a plus. In fact, I got alot of dirt on the woman without even asking one day when I went to the hospital. πŸ˜† I won’t spread what could be just nasty rumors around but if what I heard was even half true then she and Tim are each other’s karma.

I don’t know why I would be concerned about it anyway. It’s stupid, right? I guess I’m not concerned about it all that much that I just wouldn’t even go. I’m going. Period. I’m just afraid my father’s genes will kick in if she says something smart alecky (I was warned about this possibly happening…) and then I would have to go off on how she is NOT taking care of her man right and may eventually kill off my children’s father. πŸ™„ I know. Too much right? πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Soooo…. aaaaanywaaay….

James has been doing pretty well as a new dad so far but I stay out of his life personally as much as possible. I don’t do this by choice though. 😦 I do it because that is apparently what he wants and because I can’t stand to see all the mistakes he makes and not say anything. Maybe that’s what he needs… for his mom to quit telling him how to be a good person… he needs to decide to do that on his own or suffer the consequences. So hard for me to do, though, I’m tellin’ ya!

Chelsea is taking a couple of classes for theΒ  summer semester at college. Humanities and Philosophy. You would think she was taking Quantum Physics. πŸ™„ She just does not get these classes at all and they are supposedly easy classes! I think what gets her is that they are thinking classes that deal with philosophical issues. For her, things are pretty much black or white. I am sure these classes deal with alot of grey areas. Not her cup of tea apparently…

Our built in Grandma babysitter plan has ran it’s course already. I think Andy’s grandma was ambitious and Andy was too aggressive in letting her babysit. She’s over 80 years old. She can’t be expected to babysit a squirmy ass teething baby all the time. 5 hours a day 3 days a week was way too much.

So now we have had to go back to relying on teenagers again. 😑 I hate that because they are so unreliable and act like Sean is a burden all the time when he is just cranky from teething. *sigh* But I just gotta do what I gotta do, right?

What gets me is that most people who watch him expect him to be a perfect little baby. Well, guess what? He’s not! And you can’t expect him to be if you are a less than stellar baby watcher. He’s actually pretty smart (shocker.) and he can tell you aren’t even interested in playing with him or entertaining him. Duh. I would be bitching too! πŸ˜›

So. My work schedule SUCKS ASS! I hate starting late at 10am because what is there really to do and get done before 10am? Then I don’t get off until 6:30 at night or sometimes later and by the time I feed the baby, he is ready to go to bed so I don’t get to see much of him. I have maybe an hour or so in the morning of good happy play time. That’s it! At night he is Mr. Crankypants. :/

I am finally moving out of my house next week. I took a week’s vacation to do it so I hope I can get most of it done. I need to be able to get serious about renting that place out. When I told James what I was doing, he was like, “You’re moving out? What’s that about? lol”

😯

Um… yeah… I didn’t even respond to that. He’s the smarter of my two kids from my previous marriage. What part of “I’m moving out” is confusing? Besides, I have told him a million times that I am renting the house out starting in August. I offered it to him and his friends first. No one wants to take me up on it. They are all idiots.

Seriously. I am practically giving the house away and no one wants it! $450 a month and no deposit! Just pay the utilities and take care of my dog. It’s a large 4 bedroom home! It’s not in the greatest cosmetic condition but it works. And it’s $450 a month! Are you kidding me? The utilities run maybe $250 mo for EVERYTHING… year round. These kids think about the $75 utilities in a small 2 bedroom apartment and decide that the utilities in my house… where they can share everything with 4 other roommates… is too much… Puh-leese. πŸ™„

Anyway, so I’m doing that next week. πŸ˜†

Chelsea took the whole week off from work to help me as well, which is the sweetest thing she has ever done for me other than buy me my baby monitor and makes up for James not having my back ever. We have also planned a week of family events as well. Monday night is the drive in for Ferris Bueller’s Day off. Tuesday night is fireworks in Savanna. Wednesday is a trip to Bloomington to see my dad and brother. It’s going to be a fun but very busy week. I’m hoping to sweat 30 pounds off my ass next week, too…

So that’s what I’ve been up to… I have lotsa projects ongoing and will start blogging those. Only 2 months to the wedding day! YIKES! 😯

PEACE!!!