Archive for the ‘It is What it is.’ Category

I was so sad to hear of the passing of Robin Williams. It’s a real tragedy that such talent has now left us. It’s equally tragic that the manner of his death was indicative of his drowning in sorrow and despair.

robin3
So many people have such strong feelings of suicide. People all over Facebook are debating and arguing over his suicide. Sometimes, I just wish people would shut the fuck up. It’s okay to have an opinion but sometimes your opinion is best left unsaid. There is a time and a place for everything. Speaking out against the selfishness of suicide right after someone does it is soooo unclassy.

I have an opinion just like all the other assholes out here… I just choose to keep it mostly to myself as opposed to, say, typing it all out on Robin Williams’  loved ones’ Twitter or Instagram or Facebook accounts. What a bunch of dicks those people who did that are. Seriously.

robin2
So, I’m not going to say what my exact opinion was of this tragic incident. But I do want to share with you my fears about suicide as it pertains to people in my life with bipolar disorder.

This is my worst fear. It is something I have worried about for years and years. I have acquaintances who have had to walk that path of being a casualty of suicide. It’s so devastating and life changing. It can thrust the ones left behind into a dark abyss of depression.

As the parent and former spouse and close friend of bipolar people… as someone who has seen what the extreme depths of depression can do to an average ordinary person… I have a great phobia of any one of these past or present people suddenly deciding to take their own life. What’s even scarier for me is that there is probably nothing I can do to stop it if they choose that path at some point.

My ex-husband will call me a damn liar, I’m sure, but I worried about that constantly during my separation with him. I felt I was fueling his psychotic behavior by continuing to speak with him. He was so distraught and desperate. He was being completely irrational. My solution – wrong as it was – was to stop being emotional around him. To just stop my end of the madness in hopes that it would stop his.

It didn’t. He just became even more irrational and ended up thinking I was a complete bitch. Looking back, I wish I had done things differently. But there’s nothing I can do about that now. I am just so glad that he has found someone that makes him happy again. I am so glad he never hurt himself and that he was able t find his light again.

My son has the disorder worse than my ex-husband does, so I really fear for his life as he gets older and the disease progresses unmedicated. I worry that he will go out and do something irreversibly wrong and then think that he has no way out. I worry that as he gets older and his bipolar episodes become more prevalent that he will sink into deep depressions that will be hard to lift him out from.

One of my best friends also has bipolar disorder. I actually didn’t even speak with her for about a year because her disorder became so bad that she became delusional. It was safer for her and me for me to stay away. Her husband actually had to have her committed to a mental ward (which is actually very hard to do when people are over the age of 18 – he had to get a court order) due to hallucinations and delusional actions.

This friend would get so depressed that she wouldn’t leave her house for months. I would ask her to go do things and she would say yes and then cancel at the last minute. Or, she would cry at the thought of leaving the home. It was a major low depression doing that.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Magnet, SVP05-0126
I saw an interview with Robin Williams in the mid ’90’s. He had admitted to being bipolar. I remember it well because my ex-husband was diagnosed at around the same time I came across the interview.

Even after all the bullshit I went through with my ex-husband, I would never want him to die. And I especially would not want him to commit suicide and leave my children without their funnest parent. Ever.

I worry constantly about my son. He has had friends and people he went to school with who have committed suicide. I am thankful that his opinion is genuinely one of disbelief that they did this. However, I know from past experiences with him that he could very well make a bad decision like that in his future. It terrifies me.

I am thankful that my friend has a husband who has lived with and cared for his wife since she was 15 years old and couldn’t imagine his life without her… the good and the bad. He is obviously a saint and deserves every good thing in life. I couldn’t hack it and got oyt of the situation. He stands strong like a warrior through it all to make sure my friend remains safe. I still worry about her, though. He can’t be there 24/7. She is another one that could make an irrational split second decision that would forever change all who know her.

This is my worst fear. I’m sure that the devastation I can only imagine would happen is actually probably 10 times worse for the loved ones that have actually been victims of the aftermath of suicide.

I wish I could shield each of these people that I know, who suffer from the debilitating effects of the major depressive state that they swing down to after having a manic episode, from any suicidal thoughts for the rest of their lives. I know I can’t shield them from it. All I can do is be there if they need me. Sometimes, it’s the being there that can make all the difference for some people… for others, I can’t be so sure that anything could stop them.

robin1

PEACE!!!

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When I started my new way of living/eating, I decided that I would have three designated cheat days a year: My birthday, my anniversary, and Christmas Day. I know people get crazy righteous about cheat days in online communities so I keep this shit to myself…

cheat meals 1

So, this weekend was one of those cheat days. If you want to see what I ate, feel free to go to my Myfitnesspal page and take a looksie. Yes. I documented it. The whole ugly day… fair warning — it’s a horrific carb filled nightmare. 😛

BUT

No regrets here. I don’t feel one bit bad. 🙂

Look… we are all human. Cake is good. Carbs taste fucking amazing. Let’s be real here. Life would be very sad without polenta or spaghetti or Popeye’s Spicy Fried Chicken or (insert your favorite carb here). I think it is entirely unrealistic to tell yourself you will NEVER have a certain something or another of pure bliss unless you will die from it.

I have a “foster” son who is highly lactose intolerant. He also has MS. 😦  He doesn’t need any help feeling like crap and he generally tries to eat healthy for his own well being. But he loves ice cream. He doesn’t eat it often but he does occasionally do it. For him, the risk is worth the pleasure.

That’s how I view cheat days. The risk is worth the pleasure. Sooo… How much weight gain did this pleasure cost me? 6 pounds.

😯

I know. It seems like alot. But if you check out my food log, you will see that I ate about 3500 calories for the whole cheat day. To gain 6 pounds of actual fat, I would have had to eat at least 21,000 calories. So it’s most likely water weight. (I hope…)

holiday-weight-gain

Anyway, people on Facebook and in the online groups would be freaking the hell out if this happened to them. I’m just kinda like “meh”… no biggie. I planned to do it. I knew what I wanted. I had a plan for the following week. I’m not curled up into the fetal position on my floor in deep throes of regret contemplating suicide. I’m good!

I think that the people who lose their willpower and unexpectedly fall off the wagon are the ones who freak out. Planning is key. I have known about this from the beginning. I did contemplate not doing it because I was actually within 5 pounds of my first goal (pre-happiness weight) but decided to just do it. I felt like if I didn’t stick with my plan now then I would talk myself into going off for a day later when it wasn’t as well planned out. THEN, freak out.

crackhead skinny

So I stuck to the plan. I don’t regret it. I’m doing pretty good. I don’t really get all the extreme symptoms that people speak of when they cheat like feeling horrible from all the carbs in their system or feeling like they have the flu. What’s that about?

I suppose everyone is different… but I had no ill side effects of eating carbs. I felt fine. I feel fine. My only side effect it seems is that I am extremely tired today. Like first trimester type fatigue where I probably could have slept all day if I didn’t have a terrible two toddler running my life right now. Other than that, no issues…

cheat meal bliss

Like I said, I have a plan for this week. The plan is to eat closer to 1300-1400 calories a day (about 200-300 less than my daily average) and be pretty strict on my water intake. Today, I ate about 10 grams of carbs and I would like to keep the carbs to between 10-15 all week. Oh, also, I’m doing an all chicken week! (I’ll do a separate post on that another time.)

It’s my first cheat day this year so I am not for sure that this “plan” will redeem me from the chinese meal-a-palooza, 10 cups of buttered popcorn, 2 mixed drinks, 3 beers, and the late night gas station pizza slice I downed in a parking lot full of bar patrons. But I’m okay with it all for now.

I might be freaking out in a week or two if I never recover from this, but I am banking on the odds being with me. Fingers and toes crossed!

weight loss gain

PEACE!!!

 

 

Hey, everyone! How is everything going? All here is fantabulous! 🙂

So, there were major lay offs this past week at my work… Whenever that happens (which is way to freaking often), I go into panic mode and try to plan out my life as if I actually know what in the hell is going to happen. I feel like I have escaped the axe so many times now that eventually they will have no one else to axe and here I am! I’m a sitting duck!

So anyway, I started panicking and trying to plan for what would happen if I get booted from my job of 20+ years. 😦

My husband and I have always bought separate groceries. That’s basically because he is a third shifter and eats meals completely separate from me. Plus, he has food weirdness… like, he will eat tuna sandwiches everyday for a month straight. That’s weird, right?

What all that means is that if I were to become unemployed, I would be on my own for food. Not that he would let me starve, but he might… you never know! 😉 I would still feel like it’s my responsibility to feed myself… so I mocked up a menu of my typical grocery list for a week to see how much it would cost me.

I see people online complain about the high cost of eating right all the time. And, I agree. If I was going to eat like shit as a single person, I could do it for about $20 a week. Hell, maybe even $10 a week! I have lived on Ramen before… 😐

But this is just one sample Low Carb, High Fat menu. I think I’m going to try to devise more “just in case”. Here’s the shopping list:

2 packages of the bigger leaf romaine lettuce (Wal-mart) $1.48 each x 2
1 – 16 oz. package of fresh spinach (Wal-mart) $2.88 each
18 Ct. Large Eggs (Wal-mart) $2.94
1 pound ground meat (Whereever on sale) $4 max
1 pound fish fillets (wherever on sale) $5 max
1 pkg. of Chicken Thighs – 8 to a package – (less than $1 a pound on sale)- $3 max
1 – 8oz. package Shredded Mexican Blend Cheese (wherever) $2.50
1 – 8oz. package of cream cheese (wherever) $1.50 max
2 cans of 4 or 5oz. Tuna (wherever) $2 max
1 bunch of fresh cilantro (wherever) $1 max
1 pint of Heavy Whipping Cream (wherever) $3 max
1 container of sour cream (wherever) $2 max
TOTAL $32.78

This grocery list would make 21 single serving meals. I actually don’t think I eat 21 meals a week… I do more like 15 or 16 because there are days where I don’t have time to fit lunch in. So, I may be able to get away with even less spent. I did try to add some variety but if I am hard up, I would probably have no problem eating the same damn thing over and over again if needed. Been there, done that.

Here’s the meal list:

The LCHF Week's menu

The number in parentheses is the number of times I would eat that particular meal in a week. As you can see, I love my Spinach Omelets! 🙂 And I am certainly not opposed to leftovers because I have a wide selection of “sauces” to change things up.

This list also assumes that people have basic necessities and condiments, which I admit you would have to buy at least once every two months, maybe every month depending on your uses:

Coconut Oil (Wal-mart) $6
Louisiana Supreme Chicken Wing Sauce (Dollar Store) $1
30oz. Mayonnaise (wherever on sale) $4 max
Extra Virgin Olive Oil 16oz. (wherever on sale) $6 max
1 pound of Coconut flour (wherever on sale online usually) $4 to $5 max
Dill relish (Dollar store or on sale) $1 max
Garlic Powder (the cheapie container) $1
1 pound of butter (wherever on sale) $3 max
1 jar of salsa (Dollar store or make own) $2 max
1 bottle of low-sodium soy sauce (wherever on sale) $2.72 max
1 small bottle of pure sesame seed oil (wherever I can find it cheap) $3.48 max
Sesame Seeds (I found these in the cheapie section of the Dollar Store – hard to find but a super bargain) $1 to $4 max
TOTAL maybe $40 – depends on what you spend

Most of this stuff will last well beyond a month because you are only using it in small amounts. For example, the coconut flour you will only usually use 2 Tablespoons at a time.  And shopping around really helps to find the cheapest price. I tend to only buy stuff on sale, in season, or on clearance.  The dollar stores or Dollar Tree can be great but don’t count on them keeping favorite items in stock. Bulk buy when you find something you love.

The way I figure it is that I could easily eat healthy for $150 maximum per month on my own. Maybe even less as I haven’t given this oodles of thought yet. I’ve just been messing around with it a little. If I was cooking for a whole family, I could do it cheaper than $150 per person. My 2 year old tends to eat off my plate for breakfast, my husband makes his lunch, and he eats supper at the sitter usually. I sometimes buy “back up” food for nighttime meals if needed. He’s cheap… for now.

Like I said, I am going to try to do this on the regular now because I think it is inevitable that I will eventually lose my job. If I keep it, I will consider it a life bonus but I won’t be counting on it. 😦

Once I get enough chicken bones together, I plan to try making bone broth and replacing one meal a day with that plus butter. The health benefits and cost savings are almost too good to pass up. I am also considering oil pulling to improve gum health and possibly save on future dental bills, which are sure to be numerous.

Anyone have any other ideas for super duper cheap eats? Give me a holler!

PEACE!!!

I can’t believe how many emails, messages, and comments were left for me after my last post on my face plant after divorcing my husband of almost 20 years. I am so moved by all of your stories of strength and equally embarrassing face plants. I feel surrounded by so many strong and beautiful souls! 🙂

I also received so many questions… I tried to reply to everyone but some questions kept coming up over and over again so I didn’t answer them all. I just mulled them over and decided to post my answers to reach as many of you in one shot as I could. Hopefully, I don’t offend anyone. (Screw that… I’m sure I will…)

The most often asked question was for me to tell my story. I will give you the short version here for time’s sake:

I met my ex-husband when I was 14 years old. We dated for four years through high school and I was married to him shortly after high school. I was 4 months pregnant at the time. I should have known what I was getting into… he cheated on me all through high school and had a major affair just 2 months prior to getting married. 😐

(I KNOW!!!!)

So, anyway… we went on… had two children, lived our super stressful lives… Along the way, we moved several times. We were never really stable but I thought we were happy. We ran a business together that was extremely stressful for me but was what he wanted and he was good at it and loved it. We had a stable home, two great kids, a dog, a cat, a boat, and two cars. Living the dream…

Then, one day, 11 years later, he decided he didn’t love me anymore. A month later, he left me. Another month later, much to my relief, he came home. We revamped our lives, moved again, and started over. Five years later, he began another affair while I was at my mother’s bedside as she passed away from breast cancer. The affair lasted a year. I was in shock when he confessed and didn’t know what in the fuck to do. I let him stay. I stayed. (I was so stupid.) We continued on and tried to rebuild.

In 2007, my son graduated high school. I saw pictures of myself at his graduation party. I was the fattest I have ever been and I looked miserable. And I was. I started reading self help books and blogs online. I started losing some weight. I started to care about myself again. I began educating myself on how to take care of me. I began seeing everything in a different light. The only redeeming reason that I could think of to stay in my marriage at that point was our family (HIS family… not mine… as I later realized…).

By the beginning of 2008, I began to start freaking myself out. I knew the signs now of the precursors of my ex-husband’s infidelity. He began showing signs of it again. Little things. Not taking his meds for his bipolar disorder, taking me for granted, being selfish with our finances, treating me like I was always the bad guy… I assumed that pretty soon he would start another affair. He wasn’t yet. And I know it was wrong to assume… but I did. I talked myself into it. I just knew I was in for it… I was convinced.

By the time he had a heart attack in the Spring, I was done… I knew that I was just done… When I look back now, I realize I was done when he confessed to the second affair. I just was not a strong enough person to recognize it at the time. 😕 Aaaannnd… I really, really, REALLY loved my family… (aka HIS family… not mine… once again… duh.)

This man, who had devastated me by that time TWICE in my lifetime, was still someone I would have called my best friend. I realized I needed to tell him how I was feeling. Did that. He began acting super crazy after that. Paranoia on his part just settled in.

He was so emotional… like super freaky emotional… at the thought of me not being with him that I just shut down. Completely. I couldn’t handle his super emotional-ness, so I went the other direction… I became non-emotional. Now, if you know me, this is NOT me. At all. I am usually the super emotional freak. I just flaked out. I could not handle it.

Anyway, his super emotional paranoia caused him to leave the home. I told him before he left that he should not leave and that if he did I would not ask him back. He left. I didn’t ask him back. (I know I confused some people by saying in my post that I decided to separate… I feel like it was my choice because I didn’t ask him back.) It was all downhill from there…

All that followed was Jerry Springer shit. I heard a barrage of confessions on his and other women’s parts… stories of past indiscretions on his part… some in the first year of our marriage…  I, myself, entered into a rebound relationship with an ex-childhood boyfriend that was stupid and misguided. (He was a lying asshole at the end of the day…) I found out who my real friends were… two. My ex started just making up random stories about me that were completely fabricated but everyone thought they were true. I lost almost my entire family… my daughter was the only one who had my back. My husband fought me tooth and nail during a divorce with no real assets or anything just so he could have some kind of power trip.

I did try once to reconcile after separation. He came home and lived with me. I felt suffocated. He knew I had been seeing this ex-boyfriend even though I was not seeing him at all during the reconciliation. Yet, he was suspicious of everything I did. I had to sneak around to even just see friends. (Stupidity on my part… I should have told him to fuck off and leave me alone…) I found out he came home and had lied to me about his prior living situation (and romantic involvement with a roommate, apparently). He finally violently blew up at me and it was over. Done.

My divorce took 2 years to complete. We had no assets we were fighting over. His dispute was a freaking life insurance policy that he couldn’t afford and has probably lapsed. I just wanted my kids to be able to afford to bury him if need be in the future. Now they’ll have to foot the bill. He hired a very expensive attorney. My legal fees went from $600 (which would have paid for both of us had he been amicable) to over $2000. I realize that’s cheap by city standards but it’s alot of money to me. He was court ordered to pay $600 of my legal fees but he has never paid it. Oh well.

So that’s my story of the divorce. That’s a short version, obviously. So much more went on. My long time readers and EPers know what I went through. As soon as he left, I made a series of horrible decisions. I was an emotional train wreck for about a year to 18 months before I started pulling myself together. This was the time it took me to find myself.

I’m going to now answer the top 5 questions people asked me repeatedly in emails and messages and comments since my face plant post:

1. Weren’t you scared to be alone?

Well, yes. Yes, I was. Which is why I immediately dropped into a rebound relationship. Mistake numero UNO. You should learn from my mistakes, but I know you won’t. 😉 That’s okay.

I did not really realize how incredibly alone I was going to be. You can kind of imagine it for yourself, but believe me when I tell you, take that times 10. I felt so incredibly alone. I lost everything and everyone in my life. My son hated me. My daughter was a Senior in high school. She was supportive but at that self-absorbed age. My extended family… well, I didn’t really have a family myself at that point… my unemotional father and my brother. My husband’s family virtually disappeared. Our friends didn’t want to take sides… such a lonely time…

During this time, I tried to nuture an untrue rebound relationship out of desperation. That was a big part of my FACE PLANT. I also went out and partied like a college student with money. 😆 I never went to college or had any “college” years so I guess it was a way of making up for lost time… and a way to make me feel like I wasn’t really alone… but I was.

BUT… let me say this… You WILL come out of this phase. Hopefully, it will last for less time than mine did… But I assure you that you WILL emerge from this loneliness. You just really have to love yourself enough to know that you are worthy of someone’s company. Spend time with friends that support you. I had two friends who supported me. I practically lived at their homes. Join a meet up group or two. I met some pretty great people through those and it gave me something to do. Say YES to every invitation to go out. Don’t be afraid to experience new things and places and things to do. Stay busy!

One morning, I woke up in my bed, all alone, and thought… I slept great, I feel great, and shit… I look pretty damn good, too! 😀 I didn’t wake up feeling alone and lonely and full of despair at what I had done… it was all smooth sailing from there… that was May 10, 2010. Almost two years from my date of separation… it’s a process.

2. How did your kids take it? (aka Why didn’t you stay for the kids?)

First and foremost, I am a staunch believer that staying for the kids is STUPID. It’s like one of the most moronic things ever. Ever. Because children pick up on tensions and unloving actions. And then they just mimic that later in life. I am not a fan.

Secondly, my kids were grown (17 and 21 years old) and I thought they could handle it. I was wrong. They handled it better when they were younger and their dad left me for another woman… As adults, they were much less “okay” with it. I think this has alot to do with the parents…

Look, I would have loved an amicable split and remaining best of friends with my ex. Seriously. Every day of my life I wish that is what had happened. It is not. He is incredibly bitter and angry, even to this day. He has turned into his father which I never thought I would see. Those TV shows and movies showing exes having nice divorces are just LYING TO YOU! 😡

But I digress… My son was very bitter and spent the next couple of years in a bipolar spin of sorts. He was constantly breaking down into a poor me state… I think if he didn’t have bipolar disorder this would have went down much differently but that is not my reality… he lost it. Other bipolar people tell me that he probably would have lost it anyway on his own… He was partying too hard and failing at college. He had broken up with his high school sweetheart shortly after my separation. He was unmedicated and I couldn’t force him to take meds since he was now an “adult”.

My daughter was on the opposite spectrum. She was supportive but admitted that she was sad that we were divorcing. She understood, though. That’s because she saw alot more of my anguish than my son did during the years. My daughter is a homebody. She didn’t go out with friends to play or have much of a social life in high school. She was always home. She saw some of the things that happened. She experienced the ex-husband’s emotional outbursts with me and several even without me. She was witness to many scary things. So I think she understood, but was obviously sad.

Today, I feel my kids are doing fine. My daughter has her regular everyday twentysomething moments but I feel she is a very strong, stable, independent woman. I am super proud of her. She does tend to fall in my footsteps in terms of the men she picks for herself, but I am happy she is getting those mistakes out of the way NOW. I would hate for her to be almost 40 years old to figure it out.

My son… well, his bipolar disorder limits his maturity level. Even without the divorce, I think he would still probably blame me for all his problems. I chalk that up to bipolar and selfishness… because it’s been almost 6 years now… and even his own friends think he is ridiculous sometimes. And almost all of them have divorced parents…

Your kids will be okay. Someday. All I can tell you is to just be open and present in your children’s lives. Always. Don’t stop. Always be the bigger person and be willing to talk to them about anything. And always answer their questions truthfully. I have always done that and I think my kids are better for it. Do NOT be the parent that is so bitter that you make an ass of yourself trying to avoid your ex. Been there, done that… and it wasn’t me that looked like the ass…

3. Do you regret the divorce?

I used to. I actually had a time where I felt bad about everything that had transpired and sent a letter of apology to my ex. I even contemplated asking him to come home, but I refrained, figuring he would see between the lines of my apology and just do it. Thank goodness he did not.

I am almost 6 years post separation… I have never been happier in my whole life. I have a whole new life now and it’s a fucking AWESOME life! I now can honestly say that the only thing I regret is not leaving my ex-husband sooner. You will eventually get there, too, as long as you make the right choices for yourself eventually. Be true to you and love yourself. I know that sounds very cliche but I am serious.

4. I am (enter derogatory term here… fat/ugly/unemployed/stupid/etc). No one else will ever love me.

This isn’t really a question, but I felt like I had to address it… STOP. Seriously, just stop. You need to take your time and assess the situation and be honest with yourself. Everyone has faults. Everyone. If self esteem is an issue, you need to get that in order FIRST. Fair warning, once you start gaining self esteem, your tolerance level for mistreatment will be NIL, so be prepared…

At some point, you have to own the fact that you are what you are making yourself to be. Are you fat? Start exercising and dieting. Are you ugly? Start finding the great features about you and enhancing them. Are you stupid? Pick up a book, enlighten yourself! Are you feeling helpless and unemployed? Get into a training program, find any job possible, go back to school…

Be completely honest with yourself and how you feel about yourself. I highly recommend journaling or blogging. That’s what I did… although I am not a private person… Journaling is private, though, and allows you to look back and reflect on stupid shit you said about yourself. Once you have figured out what you hate about yourself, work to abolish those items on the list one by one.

I guarantee you that you will one day wake up EMPOWERED by your own courage and intelligence and beauty. And I hope that it makes you STRONG. It’s a really rough world out there… but no one has the authority to make you feel second rate… you allow that. So stop it. Right fucking now. And DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

5. How did you “get back out there”? (The “I’m scared to date” and “I’ll be alone forever” question)

This is my cautionary tale. Don’t do as I did…

By the time I separated, I was so done with my marriage. I had spent about 3 years living in utter regret and I was over it. I had an ex-boyfriend that heard I was separated right away and contacted me. I jumped in feet first and took off running. HUGE MISTAKE! Then, I proceeded to try dating and went out with a series of really shitty dates. So much fun. Not. 😐

The fact of the matter is, if you have been married a long ass time, you need time to be by yourself and learn to enjoy being alone, waking up alone, loving yourself wholly before being able to find genuine interest in other people. It truly was not until I was able to do this that I was actually worthy of being loved by someone else again.

Don’t skip steps… don’t jump in to anything… work on yourself first and love just being you… once you do that, THEN jump in. I didn’t do that. I jumped into the first shit pot that came along.

When I was truly ready, I started becoming more socially active (sometimes without alcohol 😆 ). I went out with the meet up groups to get some social interaction. I said yes to every social invitation. I made an effort to make new friends and try new things. And that’s how I met my husband…

I like to think that my new found confidence and dazzling personality were what drew him in. The fact of the matter is, we met on an online dating site, realized we went to the same high school (albeit different crowds and years), and decided we were not each other’s type… but we both had similar interests and just decided to hang out as friends. That’s where I just assume that I won him over, because I was not his type at all… he always went for the skinny blond chicks with no personality. 😉

You will find someone if you want to… there are single men everywhere… but I suggest you love yourself enough to really not give a shit if you end up alone forever before “getting back out there”. It really is true that you find love when you aren’t even really looking. Just be open enough to accept it. You are worthy of someone amazing coming into your life and loving you…

 

Alrighty… I know this post was super long… if you read through all that crap, you are either really a super fan or you are really hurting and needed it. Either way, take from it what you can and leave the rest. Don’t let anybody tell you how to live your life.

Everyone is unique in their emotional journey in this life. All I can do is let you into my personal journey as a warning of what NOT to do, but we all know you will just go do whatever it is you want to do. You will make mistakes along the way. It’s okay. Really. It’s all okay. You’ll make it through. And you’ll be smarter, more beautiful, and better than you ever imagined. I promise.

Much love.

PEACE!!!

I thought this was funny…

image

As many of you know, my separation and divorce was hardly a graceful exit on my part. In fact, I pretty much face planted right out of the gate.

I mean it’s pretty funny now, but at the time, I was a hot mess. I don’t know what I was thinking when I first got separated. I am just going to claim insanity. But I think all women who separate after being married a long time (almost 20 years!) go through a bit of insanity at first.

Basically, when I decided to separate, I jumped head first. I was terrified and excited all at the same time. All of a sudden, I was free to do anything and everything I always wanted to do. And, of course, the very first thing I did was face plant myself into a fucking moron. 😆

Live and Learn!

I guess now I look back on those first few months the same way I look back on my junior high years… I can’t believe how stupid, insane, wreckless, scared, embarrassing, and awkward I was but I lived through it. I got past it. I learned who I wanted to be and became that.

I live in a very small community and many people know my history. Word of mouth (aka Gossip) travels fast and for years and years here. You would not believe the number of times people… women… distraught women… are “referred” to me when their husband or longtime partner cheats on them.

Yes. I am serious. This happens. Complete strangers get told about the years upon years that I endured with infidelity, and in their panic and desperation, they actually seek me out for advice. I know. Its weird.

The first couple of times this happened to me I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy. I mean, I didn’t know these people and they are telling me intimate details of their relationships. Its weird!

But now, I am much more at ease… maybe all that freaking “empathy” training at work is helping now… I have a whole spiel I go through with these poor broken souls.

And if, at the end of the day, they decide to leave the situation or get left, I make sure to tell them all the gory details of my face plant.

And they never listen… 😆 Oh well. I try.

But that’s okay. I don’t judge. People do stupid shit all the time and I am no exception. I actually feel that telling my story after separation is more of a way to tell these brave people that its okay to make a complete ass of yourself early on in your separation…

Making mistakes is the only way to find out who you want to be… and it takes a super brave person to live through that awkward time in life and come out smarter…

There’s definitely a couple that have turned the wrong way and have landed themselves in a perpetual state of Jerry Springer land, but I have seen a few women who are absolutely the strongest, most beautiful, and smartest women (and at least 2 men!) emerge from the depths of hell.
Such sad memories and super embarrassing life lessons. Totally worth it though.

And to all you long time readers, EPers, and my dear friends… thank you for letting me make an ass out of myself but still loving me anyway. 😉

PEACE!!!

My husband and I had an interesting conversation today at lunch. I had just finished a call with my father and we were talking about how the conversation went…

Generally, ever since my father and I got into the fight about him deciding to get married on a whim, things between us have not been the same. Hell, maybe it hasn’t been the same for him ever since the Italy trip. I don’t know. I keep hoping our relationship will revert back to what it was just after my mother passed away but it has not.

So, I’m telling my sweet husband how there is just this underlying tension when I talk to my father and that he always seems so uncomfortable anymore talking with me. It feels like he can’t wait to get off the phone with me. He also seems to mention hot topics in passing that feel passive aggressive to me… like, why is he even mentioning that when he knows it’s a sore subject? Am I being too sensitive? Too emotional?

I was pondering this out loud at the dinner table when my husband finally states that it seems like since he has known me that my expectations of my family are always too much for any of them to handle.

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Um…. what???? Why did I not see this before? I feel like such an idiot! 😡

I have been bitching about this for months and months! I have wasted so much stress and heartache within myself about this! It makes me so pissed at myself that I did not contemplate or even seriously consider this!

It’s true. My expectations for these people that are related to me are WAY  beyond their capabilities. And I am constantly setting myself up for disappointment. People are who they are. I cannot change them and I should not be expecting them to change. FOCK! I cannot believe how much time and energy was wasted on this mess in my life!

In the days after my mother passed away, my father was the kindest and least passive aggressive I have ever seen him in my entire life. I now realize that he was just in a very needy and vulnerable state. He was destroyed emotionally and was clinging to every good thing he could. I welcomed him into my heart and home and he was so kind and gracious to everyone. This was not his normal attitude. He had always been judgmental and would take these little jabs at people “beneath” him. He was not doing that in the days after my mom passed away. He was awesome. For me.

My brother has said that in those days after my mother passed, my father was distant and cold and generally not a good father to him. This surprises me to no end because I did not see that. I live 3+ hours away from them and was not talking to my brother real regularly at the time so I did not know this is what was happening with them.

If you all remember, my time in Italy with my father was painful for our relationship. That was when I found out he was doing some things I felt were highly immoral for very selfish reasons. It was also when I found out that his perception of me was very skewed and based on who I was as a 14/15 year old girl and not who I was as s 40+ years of age woman. And, it was when I realized how angry he was with me for that… that as a parent even, the mistakes of a teenage daughter were apparently never going to be forgiven or forgotten by him.

At the time, that made me sad. Then, it settled into just being frustrating. After today, I am just going to say that it is what it is. I can’t change it. I can’t change him. And I am pretty sure that my relationship will never progress with him as long as he carries such resentment in him.

My husband is right. I expected way too much from him as a father. I expected him to be like how I feel inside as a mother to my own children right now. I mean, I have his DNA and most of his personality… I just figured he must feel this way… but he doesn’t. He’s not like me. Everything he says about “family” to me has an underlying tension and disingenuous quality to the words.

I expected that someone almost 20 years older than me to be smarter, more sincere, more wanting of love and family… all his family… not just certain parts or people in it. I expected him to be the wiser elder. I expected him to love me unconditionally and see me for who I really am. That’s a lot of expectations to put on a normal person. As a daughter, I think a lot of women can understand how I didn’t see him as “normal” people… I saw him as my father — the one who should always be my protector and advocate and safe guard and fail safe. Super dad is what I wanted.

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As I am writing this, I feel so sad. It’s such a revelation to me that all my dreams and expectations of having a father, the self created father in my mind, are now shattered. That’s not who he is. He has told my brother multiple times in the past that we are now grown and he shouldn’t have to do anything else for us. THAT’S who he is. THAT’S the real him. It’s very emotional for me. I’m very sad about this.

But I need to accept this now. I need to make myself understand that my expectations were beyond what he could ever achieve and I am ultimately wrong for pushing that. I never, ever want anyone in life to be someone they are not. Truly. If you want to be an asshole, be one as long as it makes you happy… I don’t have to associate with you if that’s the case. But, you be whoever you want to be. Everyone in life has the right to do this. I should not be imposing different rules on this man who is my father. He’s still a normal human being at the end of the day.

 

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This is all kind of freaking me out because he started talking about my brother moving out to Washington by him. And I feel like I am once again being abandoned. Just left here… Oh, she’ll be fine on her own. She doesn’t need us. 😦

I have been on my own for the most part since I was 15 years old. I got my first apartment when I was 16. I worked full time and graduated high school with honors. My mom helped me out from time to time. My father acted like I didn’t exist. I can’t remember when they moved away but it was shortly after I graduated. It wasn’t too traumatic because they were still within the same state but it was a 3 1/2 hour car ride. My mother always called me once every two weeks during my really self absorbed early twenties to be sure I was still alive. And she kept it up until she no longer had the energy to speak for long periods of time. When she died, I felt all I had left was my brother and father.

Now, with news that my father is going to make a hard push for my brother to move to Washington, it will just be me again. Alone for real this time. I fully admit that right now I am a little terrified and most definitely sad. But I now see why it has been so hard for me.

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Just because he chooses to be that way doesn’t mean I will be, though. I vow right here and now to never be that way. I never want my kids to feel that they cannot count on me… that they cannot talk to me comfortably… that they are alone… ever.

 

It’s just a regular day for me… nothing special… here I am on New Year’s Eve, sipping coffee, blogging, surfing the web, and contemplating my next Netflix movie choice…

FUN, FUN, FUN! 😀

Or… OLD, OLD, OLD! 😐

Oh, well… I’m okay with it. I have to work tomorrow so it’s all good to me.

Speaking of which… I work in a government backed financial industry… like every bank in America and every government office is closed tomorrow, but I am working. WTF?! 😯

I don’t have any super duper New Year’s resolutions… My current plan is just to focus on ME this year. I have taken a couple of years off from doing that. I look like shit. I feel like shit. I need to get off my fat ass and DOOOO something about it. (As Nate would say… 😉 )

2014 Plan


Quit eating like there is no tomorrow.
Seriously… I’m so over food. Nothing tastes good anymore. Since I quit smoking entirely, they say your taste buds come alive… well, I think I killed mine off as nothing is particularly satisfying… it’s all just “meh” so now is a great time to quit stuffing my face.

Put make up on every day. It’s amazing how much of a difference this makes in a woman’s life. I need to do it again. I have started just making sure I have eye liner on… baby steps, people… baby steps! 😉

Simplify my finances. Since my employer has all but said they would be laying us all off in 2014, I need to get my finances in order to prepare for upcoming apocalyptic fall from grace. I have pretty much resigned myself to knowing that I cannot control the employment gods. I only have control of me… so I need to pay off anyone who I actually love or like while I have money and a job. Once the job goes, it’s going to be a blood bath. 😆

Appreciate others. This is a continuation of my resolution from 2013. It went well but I got a little to caught up in my own pity party to focus well on it. I plan to stick a shitload of thank you note cards in my purse to try to give me more incentive to appreciate people on the fly… I am pretty sure that almost every person who is generous these days is not recognized for it and they deserve recognition. I know that when people do that for me it makes me feel special and I want to make others feel the same way.

Completely quit nicotine. ONCE AND FOR ALL! So, I kinda quit smoking in 2011/2012 when I had a baby and was breast feeding. I used to smoke 1 to 2 packs of cigarettes a day. I got down to one a day and then one every few days when i was breast feeding. Then, I slowly started smoking up to 3-4 a day. And THEN I spiralled out of control when my family home was trashed by renters and started smoking like a crazy woman again…

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Anyway… I tried an electronic cigarette on Thanksgiving Day. Not bad. On my drive home, I stopped and bought a disposable e-cigarette that i nursed for 2-3 days. On Black Friday, I found a great deal on the V2 Cigarette Starter Kit (comment if you want the discount code!) and that started my journey. I have not had a regular cigarette since December 6th.

E-cigarettes have nicotine in them but you have control over the amount. So I do still get nicotine regularly. However, I plan to wean down to 0% nicotine by the end of the year. Possibly sooner… I can’t even stand the taste of the tobacco flavors anymore and I am having a hard time finding the perfect flavor to vape/smoke daily so it could be sooner, I guess. We’ll see how it goes.

Smoking was a good, loyal friend for so, so many years and what made it so hard to quit was the routine of it all. I still smoke/vape when I take out the dog to poop, and after I eat, and when someone is screaming at me on the phone… but now, it’s completely fragrance free water vapor. I love not smelling like smoke anymore! 🙂

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So those are my plans for the new year. 2013 kind of sucked donkey balls. I am not expecting 2014 to be much better. But, all I can do is do me better than I did me last year, so that’s the plan, Stan!

I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas with their family and friends! I wish nothing but the best for every single one of you in 2014!

PEACE!