Archive for the ‘It’s kinda like winning the lotto – without money…’ Category

Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe it has been over a year since my last post here! Can you believe it??? I mean, I was a pretty faithful poster!

Thank you to everyone who sent me messages wondering where the hell I have been and what the fuck have I been doing? (Nate mostly on the latter.) Well, what I have been doing is living PEACEFULLY. COURAGEOUSLY. GRACIOUSLY.

Yeah. That’s my answer.

Oooooohhhhh, you nosy people need details??? Hahahahahahaha!!!!


But, really, I know you do. That’s why you are some of my favorite people on Earth… I’m nosy like that, too.

The biggest thing I have been doing these last almost 18 months is living HAPPY!!!! You know, I started my blog originally way back in like 2007 on the good ol’ Myspace, I believe. It was started out of a bad emotional place and just escalated from there, but it was my journey through my midlife crisis. All of everyone witnessed the trainwreck that was me! All of everyone also was able to see me come out of it… and flourish… and overcome my worst enemy of all: Myself.


Around the time of my last post, I decided that it was time to stop worrying so damn much about every single thing. I never thought of myself as a worrier butΒ  I TOTALLY AMΒ ! That’s why everything everyone else said or did to me or near me (or not even near me) made me so pissed… or cryie (not a word, but you know what I mean)… or sentimental… or just crazy…

I also realized that not every topic in life requires my opinion. There are some things that I should just ignore, because geez louise, they are just emotion leechers not even worthy of being noticed. (Politics would be a good example of this for me.)


(this is where my politics lie.)

Once I put all that on the table, I felt so freaking deliriously happy! I feel like so many things emotionally have improved for me! I no longer live in my past as (what I believed to be) that stupid wife who let her cheating husband degrade her soul for twenty years to the point that she went almost insane. I’ve never felt better about myself than I do now and I even feel pretty good about that cheating EX-husband. He doesn’t know that or care and I am even okay with that! Those of you who know me, know this is a huge accomplishment for me.

My current life with my (new) husband is amazing. We are closer than ever. We are the best of friends and truly partners now. It took some time to convince the perpetual bachelor that he was truly stuck with me but he is totally IN the game now! πŸ˜‰

My, now, 4 year old love child son is the absolute greatest thing that ever happened to me. It’s kind of dangerous because I have a grandma attitude due to my age and having been through the parenting gig once already. My husband has to keep me in check. I am the parent and need to act accordingly no matter how absolutely adorable and charming my son is. Ha!


This will be me.

My grandson is doing great and has finally shed his babyfat. He’s super smart and gets spoiled everyday… not by me, but by his other family. I’m much more okay with that now. I used to be hurt by the distantness but it’s a baby momma thing and I literally have absolutely no control over that or her or anything. I’m just happy he is well loved and cared for always.

My daughter finally found someone to partner with. She’s only 23 so that could change anytime but I trust that she will weather through whatever roads she takes. She is still taking the absolute longest road to becoming a nurse that anyone has ever taken… and I have learned that there is absolutely nothing I can do about that so I will do nothing until she asks me for help. That’s super hard for me but I am doing it! Yay me!

My son still struggles with his illness, but once again, he is an adult and is making his own decisions that he must live with. There is nothing I can do about that so I have stopped worrying about it. I kind of have realized that he is probably going to struggle emotionally for the rest of his life but his choices are his own. My job is simply to be supportive and love him. I feel much better after realizing this and no longer offering advice to someone who just appeases me has really made my life so much less stressful!


The month after my last post, I started a new business doing art and crafts for Christmas. I live in a small rural area but I was swamped with orders! That business has grown slowly but steadily. I decided that to offset the stress of being told every month that my job may not be there tomorrow I would start building a base for something that I could later grow into something more major. I have alot of competition in my area but my perfectionism makes my quality way better and I have more work ethic than all of my competitors combined! This gives me alot of stress but at the same time alot of incredible joy!

My husband’s grandmother died very recently. We had been dealing with her medical issues most of last year and into the early part of this year. Another strong female figure in my life was gone. I spent alot of time talking one on one with her in the last 4 months of her life. Even though her transition out of this life was a rocky, painful road, I have so much appreciation for knowing her and knowing how dearly I was loved by her. She didn’t have to love me so purely, but she did and I could feel it.


My own family continues to do their own things. My brother got married without telling or inviting anyone. I was hurt at the time but then I just felt bad that he did not feel he was close enough to any of his family or friends to invite them. So… we have been spending more time together as families who love each other. My father and his new wife are still distant in my life and will remain that way. He calls once every two months or so, probably because his wife suggests it, but I’m okay with that. I am not responsible for how he thinks of me. New concept. LOL

My father-in-law is still a little distant but closer than he used to be, I guess. Family trauma will sometimes bring people a little closer. His sister was here for a couple of months when we were taking care of and saying good bye to his mother. She’s a strong woman who demands certain involvement so I think everyone is always closer when she’s around… she’ll kick your ass if you aren’t… literally. She’s my favorite woman! We have a standing phone date every Saturday afternoon.

So this is what I have been doing and where the hell I have been! Loving my family for who they want to be. Living each day with joy and having gratitude for my long journey that got me here. Making conscious decisions to suck it up and not worry about crap I cannot control. Working towards building a future… even as I hurtle towards being 50 years old… YIKES!


For anyone wanting to check out my business (and buy some stuff), please visit my Facebook page at:

What’s next for me is I am thinking of starting a whole new blog… less emotional… more fun… much more joyfulness. I’ll post here if and when I decide to launch that. Sound boring? It’s not. You can jump on the happy train and quit judging me, you know?


Don’t be this girl.



I know that it has been a month since my last post… we had a blast of cold air come our way here in the midwest and I suddenly realized…

Holy Shit! The Polar Vortex is coming!!!!

Remember last winter? Well, it’s on it’s way back around. And, all of a sudden, I feel the need to be out and about and EFF sitting around blogging! I have all winter to do that! So here’s what I have been up to instead:



I have just been hanging out with family and dealing with work stress and PAINTING! It’s my new passion right now, which I kind of just fell into accidentally. I bought one of those Silhouette machines to make a huge painting for my daughter for Christmas. I needed the machine to cut stencils and then I was going to paint over the stencils…

So I started researching some basic painting techniques and discovered Michael “Mix” Lang on Youtube. Oh. My. Word. Seriously inspirational. I guarantee that if you have even a teensy bit of creativity n your soul then Mix Lang will make you want to start painting NOW. His work is amazing. So, I have been spending my nights watching Mix Lang videos and learning paint techniques.

As far as my eating plan has gone, I will be completely honest… I have totally fallen off track. I used to be really kicking myself for this, but now, I’m kind of like, “That’s Life!” It will be okay.

The problems started when I had several “events” — a Suicide Awareness spaghetti supper, my anniversary, and a family vacation with my brother for his birthday… Since we decided to start doing stuff on the weekends, I have had very limited time to cook, which is EXTREMELY difficult when you are trying to do Low Carb because you really have to be committed to cooking hardcore from scratch for at least one day a week.

No worries, though… I think I am going to switch to low calorie for a month until it gets really cold and then switch to low carb for the next month. Switching it up and giving myself that leeway and variety will hopefully get me back on track. You have to be willing to roll with the punches in life. And I have decided that spending time with family is super important to me. As long as I am committed to continuing to progress myself nutritionally then I am going to be okay.

I chose low calorie because it’s easier to not cook with low calorie. I can heat a can of Progresso Light soup in 3 minutes in the microwave and I need that convenience right now. Once winter sets in and I am less than enthusiastic about leaving my house, then low carb will be better. I feel better eating low carb. My joints ache from the inflammation eating grains and carbs give me.

And please don’t come at me about this. I know some of the newcomers are hardcore keto eaters. But I need to take the break for now. And do NOT think I am abandoning the plan. I so am not. It is solely a matter of convenience and time right now. I will be back on plan by November. That’s the plan, Stan.

Right now, I am just focusing on family and feeding my soul. πŸ™‚

Personal update. Quickly.

The daughter is stumbling through single womanhood and men continually prove themselves to be pigs. She is muddling through and I am proud of her. My oldest son is suddenly taking meds but he’s pissed about the cost… which is half of what I used to have to pay for him to have meds. I’m just ecstatic that he’s trying. My youngest son is ALL BOY and giving me a run for my money. He reminds me everyday just how freaking old I am when I try to get my weak ankles to run after him every day. My father and stepmother (well, that felt weird) came in for my brother’s birthday. I still feel pretty distant from him but I think I’m coming to accept that more and more. On the flip side of that, my father-in-law has become more of a presence in my youngest son’s life. This makes my husband very happy, and when he’s happy, I am happy.

That’s the short and sweet version. I will leave out the turmoil for some other time. Right now, I am calm and at peace… thanks to the new painting hobby, I am sure.

Talk to you later, peeps!


I think I’ve already written about this before so I won’t get into it too far but…

This past summer, when I was in the depths of hell and a nicotine soaked depression after a skank ass family trashed my beloved first home, I received an offer for help from a random and unexpected source. It was from a woman in my community that I had worked with very casually and distantly when my son was in high school sports. Anyway, she messaged me and offered to help me on her only day off for the week.

I would classify this woman as an acquaintance at best so I was very moved and shocked at the offer. I always wanted to thank her but time got away from me. Tomorrow, I am sending her and her family a package with movies, candy, and popcorn in it, along with a card:

thank you card

Inside the card, my note to the recipient said:

Dear Patty:

This past summer, I was going through a major crisis… And whining about it on Facebook. All my supposedΒ  β€œreal” friends were suddenly either nowhere to be found or just being complete assholes. Out of the blue, you messaged me and offered to help.

You didn’t have to do it. You know me a little bit but we aren’t BFFs or anything. We don’t hang out on aΒ  regular basis. You don’t owe me anything. But, out of the generosity of your heart, you were the ONLYΒ  person whom I didn’t give birth to that offered me a helping hand..

I just want to THANK YOU for being such a generous and absolutely freaking wonderful person. Even though I didn’t take you up on your offer (mostly because I was embarrassed), your offer made me realizeΒ  that 1). not everyone in life is a dick. – that there are really good people still out there, and 2). I need newΒ  fucking friends because mine are all assholes. Often, as I was chain smoking and covered in grime and paint, I would think about the random act of kindness you offered to me and it kept a smile on my face through the bad times.

One of my New Year’s Resolutions in 2013 was to be sure that I thanked everyone who deserved it becauseΒ  I think too many people these days go unappreciated. I hope your karma is winning the Lotto… But, until then, I hope you and your family can have some quality time together watching a few classics on my dime.

I know It’s not much but I wanted you to know how very much you are appreciated, Patty.
Your friends and family are lucky to have such a loving and kind person in their lives.

Merry Christmas

So, I’m not talking about an act of kindness I myself committed, but rather, an act of kindness that was given to me. I hope every single one of you will either be the recipient of or deliverer of a completely random act of kindness. It feels great both ways. Believe me. πŸ˜‰

I shit you not… THIS baby monitor saved my precious fatty bundle of joy this morning!

At about 5am, the monitor went off and was beeping. I was groggy, and just as soon as I realized that it was probably the monitor going off and not an alarm clock, it stopped beeping. I laid in bed and listened…

It has a subdued “ticker” type sound that ticks with the movement in the crib. You can only hear it if you turn the monitor all the way up. It ticks to the beat of the breaths your baby takes. Well, okay… it’s not like really tracking his breathing but more like the rhythm of his breathing… and if it doesn’t detect any movement for 15 seconds it beeps once and then gives another 5 seconds and then starts beeping like crazy.

So I am listening really intently and hearing it tick. I slowly get up and look at the face of the monitor. It has a pendulum swinging, which means it is detecting movement in the crib (aka breathing).

Whew! Maybe I was dreaming? Could that be? Everything looked and sounded fine to me…

So I laid back down, keeping a cautious ear out, because I just could not figure out if the beeping was really from the monitor or if I was dreaming about it going off…

At almost 5:30am, that little monitor beeped ONCE and I jumped out of bed and burst into the baby’s room. There I found my precious baby boy with both legs between the slats of his crib (so much for all those new fangled safety standards there πŸ™„ ) and his blanket pulled up and around his head!

I immediately whipped the blanket up off of him, which startled him and he started screaming (which obviously means he started breathing again)… so then I tried to pick him up, which is when I realized his legs were caught. I had to really work him loose and then just collapsed on the floor of the nursery, with him in my arms, my heart racing, and crying right along with the poor kid… πŸ˜₯

I have always said that the baby monitor was the best thing I got at my baby shower. Now I have absolute proof! It wasn’t just because Chelsea gave it to me from her hard earned cash and it was really beyond her budget. It’s also because this monitor works! It really does save lives!

I am not normally someone who just sings praises from the rooftops regarding products I try but I will forever recommend this baby monitor. It doesn’t have a fancy video thing (although I think they have a model that does) and I know it is a little more pricey than your standard baby monitor, but it is sooooo worth it.

As a side note, this morning is when I finally fully realized that Sean is the absolute best thing in my life right now. I’m not trying to minimize Andy (I still love him, too!), but Sean is truly Heaven sent for me at this time in my life. I would be devastated beyond belief if I lost him. Truly. He makes every day I have on earth good, despite all the assholes I have to deal with… one smile from my little guy makes all the negativity go away. I need him as much as he needs me…

If you are a mommy, or know someone who will be, go get this. Now. Please.

Meet my new grandson, Paxton James, born today at 5:47pm weighing a mere 2 pounds 14 ounces!

I am now officially a “grandma”! πŸ˜€

And I really cannot believe how emotional I am about it. I’ve been kind of weepy all night! Not in a bad way either… It feels really special right now and I haven’t even seen the little guy in person yet! πŸ˜€ I am really excited to be able to get to go see him in the NICU this weekend!

He was premature by 10 weeks so he will be staying in the hospital until he gains weight. But he’s breathing on his own and he’s got strong vitals all around. The baby momma is doing fine now after a few days of drama since her water broke a few days ago and she had to be transported by ambulance to a university hospital… but it’s all good.

James was still apprehensive about knowing for sure that it’s his. He has to make that declaration before the birth certificate can be finalized with his name on it. The baby momma is not the run around sort and he is sure she is being truthful. She has a great family and was raised pretty good. He could have done way worse for sure. He just is worried about that 1% chance he is wrong. I just told him that he needs to trust his heart, and if his heart says she is telling the truth, then he needs to quit tormenting himself and make a decision on what to do and stick to it. I think he’ll sign the Affidavit of Paternity. If he still has doubts later, then he can pay for genetic testing and set his mind at ease. It could cause him more legal troubles later I suppose but that’s only if it isn’t his and I think that’s a very slim chance.

I told him to just enjoy his new daddy status and get to know his son. Babies are really no fun as newborns. They sleep and eat mostly so that doesn’t seem real fun, but I think if anyone looks at my fiance they could learn a thing or two about being a very involved baby daddy. I hope James doesn’t just become one of those lazy good for nothing baby daddies. I really do. 😦

Because I am super excited about this and I don’t want him ruining my chances to see my grandson regularly, Dammit!

Some really earth shattering revelations have come to me in the last couple of weeks. I guess you are never too old to learn a thing or two about life. Just when you think you know it all, up pops some little tidbit of amazingness that knocks the wind right out of you… ya know? πŸ˜‰

I don’t know if I was just brainwashed or delusional still from my previous marriage or what the deal was, but I really did think I had love all figured out. πŸ™„ I thought I knew exactly what it was and how it felt and looked and what it tasted like… everything! But after the last couple of weeks of staying home with just me and Andrew and the baby, it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks that I didn’t know anything at all… until now. πŸ˜‰

I don’t know… maybe it’s just that my perspective that has changed? Whatever it is, it just seems so clear to me now… so much clearer than it had ever been in the past…

One thing about me and my ex-husband… I always assumed that I knew that he loved me. He did horrible things to our marriage but he always was completely remorseful and devastated and seemed genuinely sorry and proclaimed his love for me from the treetops whenever he fucked up. So I always knew that anytime I had to deal with whatever shitstorm he brought to our marriage that above all else he loved me…

That’s what I thought. 😐 I believed that forever… up until a few days ago… 😐

Now I realize…

That’s sooo not real love… it’s just not… you don’t continually over several years – decades! – make the same emotionally devastating mistake that is going to kill the heart and soul of the person you love OVER AND OVER AGAIN when you have real love for that person.


You don’t ever let the one you love ever feel inferior to anyone else. And when the love of your life is down in the gutter, you don’t expect that person to be strong enough to dig themselves out of it… you go and love her out of it and take the very best care of her that you can…

I never had any of that before… 😦

Until now… πŸ™‚

Now I realize what real love really feels like and looks like and tastes like. It has kind of turned my world upside down. It makes me cry inappropriately… (I know! What else is new??? πŸ˜† ) but it’s tears of happiness usually, not sadness… I do feel a little stupid that I didn’t know before but thought I did… πŸ™„

Andrew has been amazing these last couple of weeks. He took the time off work even though his paycheck will be short because of it. He has taken care of me day after day and let me sleep when he knew I needed it. He checked in on me, brought my meds to me in bed as well as coffee on days when I could barely move and just wanted to die. He has enthusiastically taken on everything with the baby and never complains even when I know he is tired, too.

He makes me feel beautiful even when I know that I look horrible and probably don’t smell so great either. πŸ˜† He has gone out of his way to make sure I know how much he loves me and appreciates me by showing me every single day without “forgetting” about it…

Maybe that all seems so trivial to you guys… but it’s a huge change for me because he can do all that and make me feel so deeply for him myself *WITHOUT*… I repeat, *WITHOUT*… a huge emotional yet selfish breakdown. πŸ˜‰ He shows me that even when he is completely silent. He doesn’t need to be sobbing or screaming at me to prove that. His presence next to me just kind of exudes that feeling. I can feel his love for me just floating off of him and into me…

I know what you haters are thinking… but screw you! This is a big deal to me! I think I had given up on that kind of love… so I had given up on ever feeling true real love, I guess you could say… I just assumed that it didn’t exist or that it only existed in the movies. I assumed that the way Tim acted and reacted was true love and I really didn’t want that kind of love anymore… OBVIOUSLY… if it meant getting hurt every 5 years then it just wasn’t worth it. For real. 😦

So I gave up. 😯 On real love. 😦

Now I can see that I never had the right definition to begin with. Now I do and it makes a huge impact on my outlook on life now. I don’t think I ever allowed myself to really SEE or FEEL just how much Andrew truly loves me and how much I love him. I knew I loved him and I knew he loved me but I didn’t really fully envelop myself in that. We are kind of a “matter-of-fact” kind of couple with me being the much more romantic of the two of us, which is a change from my past… but we don’t generally show too much sappiness towards each other too often…

To be honest, it all seemed too good to be true… I’ve been kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop most of the time… just waiting for one of the old warning signs to show up and just PROVE to myself that my old idea and picture of love was true… πŸ™„

Thank GOD that is not what has happened. Andrew truly loves me. I can actually feel it. πŸ˜€

And I can honestly say that I have never felt this loved before… not like this…

It’s so exciting and terrifying! πŸ˜†

(Nate: Don’t be jealous, bitch. πŸ˜› )

Well… πŸ˜†

I can finally keep a promise! This blog post **WILL** feature the pretty much finished nursery AND… (GASP! 😯 ) a baby! πŸ˜€

Yep… you heard me right… please let me introduce to you:


Is that not THE most adorable little baby boy you have EVER seen in your life????

You’d better be saying yes, jerks… πŸ˜†

I am IN LOVE with that little tubby bundle!

Sooo… alot has happened since I last popped in here… to say the least!!! πŸ˜‰

Where do I start?


The last time I spoke here I was miserable beyond belief, very bitter towards my medical team, hated every person on the planet, and was generally feeling sorry for myself and being a big huge Debbie Downer. 😦

Yeah, sorry about that, folks… Can’t say much more than that… I’m sorry.

So anywaaaay… I continued feeling that way for another solid week… and after 2 more hospital trips for ultrasounds and non-stress tests for the baby… and after getting ANOTHER doctor to finally say, “wtf… why are we waiting to get this ginormous kid out?” I was finally scheduled for a C-section due to size the day before my original due date… πŸ™„

The doctor who got the ball finally rolling for me said it must be a man thing to not commit to a date because she probably would have scheduled me for a C-section 2 weeks prior. But that’s because she is a woman and she is not afraid to say that she would induce for size alone… My last ultrasound, at 39 weeks exactly, Sean measured 9 pounds 6 ounces. Now, granted, that is a guesstimate… he was still inside me so it can’t be 100% accurate so there is a margin of error…

But this was my second or third ultrasound with this particular tech. I trusted her because she was confident in her own numbers. She fully admitted to the possibility of a 2 pound error margin but she also told me, “I don’t think I am wrong”. And she wasn’t… πŸ™„

I have never had major surgery like that before… the worst I had was outpatient gall bladder surgery… not really a biggie… a C-section is major abdominal surgery. I had been preparing for the long hard work of a natural childbirth. I thought this would be a breeze… and it was to some extent…

I did not have hours upon hours of back breaking labor followed by 2 hours or more of pushing. Nope. It was all scheduled and I went in and basically it was all planned out in advance. Yadda yadda yadda. So everyone on the “team” is very upbeat and conversational… The anesthesiologist woman was super peppy and annoying… πŸ™„

So they start doing their THANG – prepping me, getting instruments in place, double checking dosages… Everything is a go and we get started. It was a very surreal experience being awake to feel tugging but nothing else. 😯 They brought Andrew in. He is a bit squeamish at the sight of blood and intestines and stuff like that so he was not going to look beyond the sheet barrier they had mocked up…

So, like I said, everyone is doing their jobs… my doctor was periodically letting me know what was next and what to expect in terms of pressure. He gets to the part of pulling the baby out of the uterus and tells me there will be alot of pressure but no pain and he just wanted to warn me. Okay. I get it. Then he pulled the baby out…

There were like 10-12 people in this operating room. When the baby was pulled out, there was this brief silence and then my doc says, “We made the right choice on this one!” and he proceeds to let me know the baby is out and BIG as predicted. Everyone else in the room is reacting as well with “wow”s and “oh my”s and stuff so that prompts Andy to look over the sheet. Then he sat right back down on the seat next to me and leans over and says, “he’s very large”.

Huh? 😯 Like how large? I mean, really… HOW LARGE???

So they whisk baby Sean and Andrew off to our room and I remain in the Operating Room to be closed up and stabilized. The doctor and all the techs and nurses start taking bets on the weight amount. My doctor’s pick? 9 pounds 14 ounces!!!!

Excuse me??? 😯

Word comes back from my room that the weight was…

10 pounds 2.1 ounces!!!!!

Holy crapola!!! That would have tore the crap out of me! LITERALLY!!!

So I lived through it and we have now made Sean Christopher the center of our little world. We are extremely happy… so happy we are probably annoying to everyone else. πŸ˜› We post all sorts of pictures and videos that really have no meaning to anyone but us. πŸ˜† We’re THOSE people…

This is really an amazing experience for me… I know I have done it all before but I think you tend to appreciate the experience a little more as an old timer like me… Every single experience is an adventure of sorts.

What didn’t register with me immediately is how this was a million “first times” for Andrew. Every single thing he has done in the last several days is a “first time” for him. He had never changed a diaper, fed a bottle to a baby, wrapped a baby in a blanket, rocked a baby to sleep, etc., etc. I was so happy that when I delivered Sean at 8:23am on the 19th, they immediately took the baby and Andrew back to our private room and after checking him out, the doctor handed Sean to Andrew.

They got to spend about 30-45 minutes totally alone together. Andy didn’t tell me much about that time that he spent with Sean but he did tell me it was very emotional for him. πŸ˜₯ Awwww….

Okay… so enough about all that… πŸ˜†

Here’s the nursery!

It still isn’t completely done… I need artwork above the crib… It’s partially done but I didn’t have time to hang it. I am adding canvas black and whites above those. i also need to still do the fake Capiz shell light fixture. I just need to find the time… πŸ˜† story of my life right there…

I still was not able to talk Andy into bringing that second chair up from the basement. But you see the huge gaping hole, right? RIGHT???!!! I mean, COME ON! πŸ™„

I do want to thank every single one of you who either came to see me or called or sent text messages while I was in the hospital. We are a very nuclear society and I am one of those who appreciates that sometimes all you can offer is a little e-card. Life gets the best of all of us sometimes, so I do understand when you can only make a small gesture or nod. I also understand when you are too overwhelmed to do anything at all. πŸ˜‰

I get discharged tomorrow morning and will start my maternity leave in full force. I am pretty sore but I am hoping to be much more peppy and agile once the swelling and inflammation has subsided… it hasn’t so far. 😐 I will try to blog post a little more often now that I am off work for a bit.

I hope everyone else has been well. I love all you guys!