Archive for the ‘Loving My Life! (so screw you!)’ Category

Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe it has been over a year since my last post here! Can you believe it??? I mean, I was a pretty faithful poster!

Thank you to everyone who sent me messages wondering where the hell I have been and what the fuck have I been doing? (Nate mostly on the latter.) Well, what I have been doing is living PEACEFULLY. COURAGEOUSLY. GRACIOUSLY.

Yeah. That’s my answer.

Oooooohhhhh, you nosy people need details??? Hahahahahahaha!!!!


But, really, I know you do. That’s why you are some of my favorite people on Earth… I’m nosy like that, too.

The biggest thing I have been doing these last almost 18 months is living HAPPY!!!! You know, I started my blog originally way back in like 2007 on the good ol’ Myspace, I believe. It was started out of a bad emotional place and just escalated from there, but it was my journey through my midlife crisis. All of everyone witnessed the trainwreck that was me! All of everyone also was able to see me come out of it… and flourish… and overcome my worst enemy of all: Myself.


Around the time of my last post, I decided that it was time to stop worrying so damn much about every single thing. I never thought of myself as a worrier butΒ  I TOTALLY AMΒ ! That’s why everything everyone else said or did to me or near me (or not even near me) made me so pissed… or cryie (not a word, but you know what I mean)… or sentimental… or just crazy…

I also realized that not every topic in life requires my opinion. There are some things that I should just ignore, because geez louise, they are just emotion leechers not even worthy of being noticed. (Politics would be a good example of this for me.)


(this is where my politics lie.)

Once I put all that on the table, I felt so freaking deliriously happy! I feel like so many things emotionally have improved for me! I no longer live in my past as (what I believed to be) that stupid wife who let her cheating husband degrade her soul for twenty years to the point that she went almost insane. I’ve never felt better about myself than I do now and I even feel pretty good about that cheating EX-husband. He doesn’t know that or care and I am even okay with that! Those of you who know me, know this is a huge accomplishment for me.

My current life with my (new) husband is amazing. We are closer than ever. We are the best of friends and truly partners now. It took some time to convince the perpetual bachelor that he was truly stuck with me but he is totally IN the game now! πŸ˜‰

My, now, 4 year old love child son is the absolute greatest thing that ever happened to me. It’s kind of dangerous because I have a grandma attitude due to my age and having been through the parenting gig once already. My husband has to keep me in check. I am the parent and need to act accordingly no matter how absolutely adorable and charming my son is. Ha!


This will be me.

My grandson is doing great and has finally shed his babyfat. He’s super smart and gets spoiled everyday… not by me, but by his other family. I’m much more okay with that now. I used to be hurt by the distantness but it’s a baby momma thing and I literally have absolutely no control over that or her or anything. I’m just happy he is well loved and cared for always.

My daughter finally found someone to partner with. She’s only 23 so that could change anytime but I trust that she will weather through whatever roads she takes. She is still taking the absolute longest road to becoming a nurse that anyone has ever taken… and I have learned that there is absolutely nothing I can do about that so I will do nothing until she asks me for help. That’s super hard for me but I am doing it! Yay me!

My son still struggles with his illness, but once again, he is an adult and is making his own decisions that he must live with. There is nothing I can do about that so I have stopped worrying about it. I kind of have realized that he is probably going to struggle emotionally for the rest of his life but his choices are his own. My job is simply to be supportive and love him. I feel much better after realizing this and no longer offering advice to someone who just appeases me has really made my life so much less stressful!


The month after my last post, I started a new business doing art and crafts for Christmas. I live in a small rural area but I was swamped with orders! That business has grown slowly but steadily. I decided that to offset the stress of being told every month that my job may not be there tomorrow I would start building a base for something that I could later grow into something more major. I have alot of competition in my area but my perfectionism makes my quality way better and I have more work ethic than all of my competitors combined! This gives me alot of stress but at the same time alot of incredible joy!

My husband’s grandmother died very recently. We had been dealing with her medical issues most of last year and into the early part of this year. Another strong female figure in my life was gone. I spent alot of time talking one on one with her in the last 4 months of her life. Even though her transition out of this life was a rocky, painful road, I have so much appreciation for knowing her and knowing how dearly I was loved by her. She didn’t have to love me so purely, but she did and I could feel it.


My own family continues to do their own things. My brother got married without telling or inviting anyone. I was hurt at the time but then I just felt bad that he did not feel he was close enough to any of his family or friends to invite them. So… we have been spending more time together as families who love each other. My father and his new wife are still distant in my life and will remain that way. He calls once every two months or so, probably because his wife suggests it, but I’m okay with that. I am not responsible for how he thinks of me. New concept. LOL

My father-in-law is still a little distant but closer than he used to be, I guess. Family trauma will sometimes bring people a little closer. His sister was here for a couple of months when we were taking care of and saying good bye to his mother. She’s a strong woman who demands certain involvement so I think everyone is always closer when she’s around… she’ll kick your ass if you aren’t… literally. She’s my favorite woman! We have a standing phone date every Saturday afternoon.

So this is what I have been doing and where the hell I have been! Loving my family for who they want to be. Living each day with joy and having gratitude for my long journey that got me here. Making conscious decisions to suck it up and not worry about crap I cannot control. Working towards building a future… even as I hurtle towards being 50 years old… YIKES!


For anyone wanting to check out my business (and buy some stuff), please visit my Facebook page at:

What’s next for me is I am thinking of starting a whole new blog… less emotional… more fun… much more joyfulness. I’ll post here if and when I decide to launch that. Sound boring? It’s not. You can jump on the happy train and quit judging me, you know?


Don’t be this girl.



I know that it has been a month since my last post… we had a blast of cold air come our way here in the midwest and I suddenly realized…

Holy Shit! The Polar Vortex is coming!!!!

Remember last winter? Well, it’s on it’s way back around. And, all of a sudden, I feel the need to be out and about and EFF sitting around blogging! I have all winter to do that! So here’s what I have been up to instead:



I have just been hanging out with family and dealing with work stress and PAINTING! It’s my new passion right now, which I kind of just fell into accidentally. I bought one of those Silhouette machines to make a huge painting for my daughter for Christmas. I needed the machine to cut stencils and then I was going to paint over the stencils…

So I started researching some basic painting techniques and discovered Michael “Mix” Lang on Youtube. Oh. My. Word. Seriously inspirational. I guarantee that if you have even a teensy bit of creativity n your soul then Mix Lang will make you want to start painting NOW. His work is amazing. So, I have been spending my nights watching Mix Lang videos and learning paint techniques.

As far as my eating plan has gone, I will be completely honest… I have totally fallen off track. I used to be really kicking myself for this, but now, I’m kind of like, “That’s Life!” It will be okay.

The problems started when I had several “events” — a Suicide Awareness spaghetti supper, my anniversary, and a family vacation with my brother for his birthday… Since we decided to start doing stuff on the weekends, I have had very limited time to cook, which is EXTREMELY difficult when you are trying to do Low Carb because you really have to be committed to cooking hardcore from scratch for at least one day a week.

No worries, though… I think I am going to switch to low calorie for a month until it gets really cold and then switch to low carb for the next month. Switching it up and giving myself that leeway and variety will hopefully get me back on track. You have to be willing to roll with the punches in life. And I have decided that spending time with family is super important to me. As long as I am committed to continuing to progress myself nutritionally then I am going to be okay.

I chose low calorie because it’s easier to not cook with low calorie. I can heat a can of Progresso Light soup in 3 minutes in the microwave and I need that convenience right now. Once winter sets in and I am less than enthusiastic about leaving my house, then low carb will be better. I feel better eating low carb. My joints ache from the inflammation eating grains and carbs give me.

And please don’t come at me about this. I know some of the newcomers are hardcore keto eaters. But I need to take the break for now. And do NOT think I am abandoning the plan. I so am not. It is solely a matter of convenience and time right now. I will be back on plan by November. That’s the plan, Stan.

Right now, I am just focusing on family and feeding my soul. πŸ™‚

Personal update. Quickly.

The daughter is stumbling through single womanhood and men continually prove themselves to be pigs. She is muddling through and I am proud of her. My oldest son is suddenly taking meds but he’s pissed about the cost… which is half of what I used to have to pay for him to have meds. I’m just ecstatic that he’s trying. My youngest son is ALL BOY and giving me a run for my money. He reminds me everyday just how freaking old I am when I try to get my weak ankles to run after him every day. My father and stepmother (well, that felt weird) came in for my brother’s birthday. I still feel pretty distant from him but I think I’m coming to accept that more and more. On the flip side of that, my father-in-law has become more of a presence in my youngest son’s life. This makes my husband very happy, and when he’s happy, I am happy.

That’s the short and sweet version. I will leave out the turmoil for some other time. Right now, I am calm and at peace… thanks to the new painting hobby, I am sure.

Talk to you later, peeps!


Well, it has now been 4 months since I started LCHF (Low Carb, High Fat) and I am feeling FABULOUS! I have now lost:


And that was with a full blown cheat day for my birthday where I gained 6 pounds overnight! I call that a WIN to have lost almost 8 pounds in a month. I mean, one whole week was just used working off my cheat day so the 8 pounds lost was really in 3 weeks.

I haven’t taken measurements yet, because I’m effing laaazzzyyy. (You all know this about me…) I hope to remember to do them first thing tomorrow morning.

From my prior post, I detailed out my planned cheat day and my recovery plan. It went very well and I lost all that I gained plus a few ounces. That’s fine with me. I really do feel like it was worth it. I had no ill side effects that so many others complain about other than just general fatigue… kind of like an extended carb crash. But it wasn’t awful or anything I would have complained about incessantly in the groups.

My recovery plan worked amazingly well. I had a full on chicken week. I precooked 3.75 pounds of chicken breasts. From that, I made several servings of several meals.


Most mornings I ate a spinach omelet because that is my go-to meal. The thing about these omelets is that you can add more fat or protein as needed. Plus they are creamy and yummy and hot, very much like my prior comfort foods that I loved…

This actually made for a very cheap eats week on LCHF. The chicken was on sale for $1.99 a pound last week. What pisses me off about chicken breast these days is that they add broth to them, because apparently, all the domestic chickens are flavorless. Plus, they are just trying to screw you over. You know it, I know it. So the 3.75 pounds of chicken breast only weighed like 2.5 pounds after it was cooked. So, whatever…

Anyway, for $7.44 for the chicken and a dozen large eggs at $1.49, I had all my protein for the week. I used 2 tablespoons of chopped fresh cilantro, a stalk of celery, a couple of tablespoons of mayo, and 2 small green onion stalks to make all of the above. I added one bag of steamable broccoli florets, a bag of spinach, a large head of romaine, one avocado, a bag of shredded cheddar, and sour cream. Even if you add in all the condiments I already had on hand, like soy sauce, sesame seeds, butter, salsa, sesame oil, and various snacks (usually 1-2 oz. nuts or sugar free candy/aldi’s bars), I spent maybe $30 for the week. That’s not bad…

So, for my recovery week, I tried my best to stay at 1400 calories or less. That was sometimes hard because I also was trying to keep my fat macro about 70%. That is super hard. But I accomplished this most days and I easily lost the 6 pounds I had gained from my super gluttonous cheat day (well, it was more like a 1.25 day).

Oh, and apparently, the menus are popular so here was the menu from my frig this last week:

Cheap LCHF Chicken Week Menu

You will notice that snacks aren’t listed here. I have gotten into this habit… well, it’s an old bad habit that is now adapted for this new way of living… but I basically buy cheap snacks when I see them. I actually am not a sweets eater. I got fat eating lowfat carbs like whole wheat bread, pasta, and rice and deep fried carbs like french fries, onion rings (yum!), and beer battered fish or hard shell tacos. I have no idea why I buy all these low carb sweets.

Basically, I horde snack foods “just in case”. Like, I am horrified at the thought that if I am desperate to eat — and there are days where I am working so hard that this does happen– I want the ability to snack on something and not feel incredibly bad about it. I have bags of various nuts, sugar free toffee squares and chocolate truffles, the new Aldi’s low carb bars, Quest bars, one serving packets of Justin’s almond or peanut butter, pork rinds, etc. in a shelf area in my office desk.

The thing is… I keep buying this shit and I rarely eat any of it. Or, when I do eat something, it is less than one serving of it. So the shelf is actually becoming a little full. I guess I need to stop that… Maybe. Kinda. I’ll try. πŸ˜›



Well, it’s all over. 😦 All the excitement and theΒ adrenaline and the romance and the stress and the urge to rip people into teeny tiny shards… it’s all gone now…


I shouldn’t say the romance is gone. It’s still there. Surprisingly. πŸ˜‰

Since I am old as dirt and since we have been together for 2 years AND because he has seen me in the same yoga pants and tee shirt for 3 days in a row with no make up on and no hairbrush in sight and overly bloated and being a raging lunatic, I never thought we would really be or act like “newlyweds”. But we do… it’s kind of strange and yet so enthralling all at the same time. Who knew?

I figured after the wedding, it was all downhill from there. But it really hasn’t been. I feel more in love than I ever have been. And I’m 42 years old. And I’m 50+ pounds overweight. And my hair is going grey. And my post-pregnancy pouch is ginormous… πŸ˜† Yet everytime I see him, I melt. It also helps if he’s just in his underwear… or not… but you get what I’m saying…

So there was all sorts of drama surrounding the wedding. It all seems trivial now but I know if I would have posted during that time I would have gone off the deep end. I did post over at EP briefly before Nate reeled me in and told me to quit acting like an insane freak. WORD, sista. πŸ™‚

So now I am calmer and can retell the catastrophes in a more sane way I believe…

I don’t think anyone should go into planning a wedding not expecting something to go wrong. I mean, really… it’s not realistic. And everyone KNOWS I’m a realist. I get stuff like that. πŸ™„

So here’s the shortlist of what went wrong:

1. My shitty ass unprofessional photographer AMBER KERKOVE of KERKOVE PHOTOGRAPHY ditched out of my wedding 6 days prior to the wedding. No I did not have a formal contract with her so forget all the emails telling me to sue her ass. She tried to make amends by asking her assistant to fill in. I love her assistant. I have no issues with her assistant personally. I know her and her family. However, it was the principal of the thing… so I had no professional photographer for my wedding… 😑

2. I had 89 RSVPs… 89 people that were supposed to have their asses in chairs and eating the food I bought them. 49 people showed I believe and I am probably being generous. I bought food for 100 people. WTF? So fucking rude… and it absolutely pissed me off to no end.

3. It was like a freaking tornado out when I walked down the aisle. And all that hair that everyone loves and admires and lusts after? Yeah, it was just flying all over the damn place… ugh! 😑

4. Deann couldn’t show up on time AGAIN so I had no one to greet my guests when they arrived for the ceremony. I told the woman 4PM! I mean, come on! I told her an hour prior and she still was late!

5. My father shows up at my wedding wearing jeans and a black tee shirt. 😯 Are you fucking kidding me? I’m your DAUGHTER! Do you not even know who I am as a person???? Must not because all of my friends know… you show up at my wedding in jeans, I will say something to you and it won’t necessarily be pleasant… and I did to everyone… including my dad…

6. I was very excited that some of my mother’s family from Oklahome RSVP’d to be there. I couldn’t wait to see them! They didn’t show. Hell, no one from her family even sent a card or gift! It was not only hurtful, but incredibly rude. I’m done with them.

7. I only listened to the music I planned to walk down the aisle to like 3 times before the ceremony. We did not have a dress rehearsal. It showed. 😐 I ended up walking down too soon and way too fast (because I was fending off the pending turbine winds…) so then we had to wait for 90 seconds of music to play while we all stood there looking around and I apologized profusely to the Pastor… Damn it!

8. 6 days before my wedding, Deann and I determined after a one hour session at her house laying on beds and using power tools, that the zipper on my dress was NOT going to go up. Ever.

9. The shoes I loved and so carefully researched for comfort were too big that day (foot shrinkage?) and hurt like a mother fucker! I used to run races in heels… what happened to me???

Ummm… I think that’s all… πŸ˜†

So let’s flip the switch, yo!

1. We have amazing family and friends who took so many wonderful and touching pictures of the wedding so we got all the most important shots.

2. The food was so freaking good that I had virtually NO leftovers. I was happy for that and proud that I made a good call on all the food from amazing vendors and friends.

3. The pictures were able to be editted so I could make my hair look halfway decent in the shots that meant the most to me so it’s all gooood. πŸ˜€

4. Deann showed up late but she was also the one who waited on my corn casserole to finish cooking at home and brought it to the Inn. Everyone loved that corn casserole!

5. My son walked me down the aisle and looked great and all my children and foster children dressed appropriately for the event, so my dad was the only one who looked like an ass and I could explain that to others by hinting at dementia… 😯 works for me!

6. I was disappointed in my mother’s family, but as I look back, I realize I got to spend very little time with anyone really and the most memorable parts of my wedding involved really only me and Andrew. It could have been just me and him and I would have been happy. πŸ™‚

7. I fucked up the ceremony music… okay… but Andrew came through 1000% on the reception music. Our first dance song was perfect and it is my most memorable and precious event of the night… even if we do dance incredibly bad together…

8. Only in small town can you ask someone who knows someone’s brother in the next town whose wife does alterations if she can put a new zipper in a super important gown in one day and it happens without a hitch. It’s the only nice thing Deann’s mom has ever done for me, giving me that woman’s number… πŸ˜†

9. I’m still sad about the shoes. They looked so freaking HOT! *sigh* 😦

Overall, I feel like the wedding was beautiful. It was us 100% and no one else. The whole thing, screw ups and all, makes me feel happy giddy in my memory. I loved everything about it. It makes me teary eyed to remember it now, which is a good thing.

I never felt that way about my first wedding. Ever. That was more about everyone else. What everyone else wanted. And what was cheap. And what was proper. And what was expected since I was pregnant. It wasn’t about me or my fiance at the time. It wasn’t about our super romantic love for each other. Hell, I had just caught him in a major relationship/affair 2 months prior for Pete’s freaking sake!

Anyway, this wasn’t about any of that at all. And I really feel like even if no one showed – of course I would have been super hurt and pissed if that happened but “hypothetically”…- if no one had showed, I still would have had an amazing magical night just with Andrew and it all still would have been perfect.

Because I really feel now like the absolute only thing that mattered that night was me and him. Period.

As it should be….



Okay beeotches… I get it! I’m getting off my fat ass and will start gettin’ shit done!

Right after this weekend…. πŸ˜‰

Love you all! Muah!!!


This is what he thinks about you:

When I was younger man I hadn’t a care
Foolin’ around, hitting the town, growing my hair
You came along and stole my heart when you entered my life
Ooh babe you got what it takes so I made you my wife

Since then I never looked back
It’s almost like living a dream
And ooh I love you

You came along from far away and found me here
I was playin’ around, feeling down, hittin’ the beer
You picked me up from off the floor and gave me a smile
You said you’re much too young, your life ain’t begun, let’s walk for awhile

And as my head was spinnin’ ’round
I gazed into your eyes
And thought ooh I want you

Thank you babe for being a friend
And shinin’ your light in my life
’cause ooh I need you

As my head was comin’ round
I gazed into your eyes
And thought ooh I want you

Thanks again for being my friend
And straightenin’ out my life
’cause ooh I need you

Since then I never looked back
It’s almost like livin’ a dream
Ooh I got you

If ever a man had it all
It would have to be me
And ooh I love you

My husband – the non-emotional, anti-sentimental, hardcore manly man – picked this song for our first dance together. All by himself.

And what’s crazy great about this? I believe every single word of this emanates from his soul. Even if he doesn’t sing it from the rooftops every single day. I believe him even in his silence. I don’t know if I’ve had that at all for decades actually… someone who loved me and I believed it whole heartedly.

He’s a good man. I’m very blessed.


Okay… so now I feel bad about complaining so I have to have a post to counteract all the bad shit I just complained about…


1. Andrew has done all the laundry for at least 2 months now. πŸ™‚ Of course, I am now doing all the dishes because I feel bad that he always does the laundry but it’s a good trade off. I just don’t think about the laundry since the washer and dryer are in the basement. Plus, I never go anywhere so I never really dirty anything…

2. Andrew’s priority is ME and SEAN. Period. That is why he has kept James at arm’s length… He has seen me break down and sob over things James has done to me… He has himself been hurt by his own family members in the past and protects himself from that kind of pain and now he wants to protect me and Sean from that same pain… and no one has ever been willing to do that for me. Ever.

3. Andrew actually looked up different ways to burp Sean online. I know that sounds lame but I thought it was so sweet! Sean is a bit gassy and colicky and burping the poor baby has been a top priority for us. I really appreciate that he went out of his way to figure out ways we could fix the problem together instead of waiting for me to fix it by myself.


4. Andrew is a DOTING father in like a HUGE way! If any of you are friends with me on facebook, you have seen the pictures on my profile that he has taken. I only put half the pictures and videos he posts on my profile so imagine how many more there are! πŸ˜† I love this about him… I was practically a single parent for the first half of James’ life so having a truly devoted partner in this new parenting adventure is amazing for me!


5. Andrew can look at me and immediately be able to see if I am stressed out or not. He still has a hard time determining if he should step in or not but he is getting better and better at this. I had the baby blues for about 4 weeks after the baby came… It was pretty bad for about a week and Andrew was very cognizant of my demeanor. He may not have always verbally said anything about me being a sobbing lunatic mess but he always went out of his way to take over as much as he could to help me get back on track. Thank God! πŸ™‚

6. He always kisses me. Every single day. Passionately. With purpose and feeling. No matter what kind of day we are both having. I love that!

So, see? It’s not all bad… it’s all a balance, I guess. And the good outweighs the bad. I still remember and know what it feels like when the bad outweighs the good. 😦