Archive for the ‘Wasted Efforts’ Category

So my blog has been alot more popular of late due to the weight loss posts… which means we have alot of new people coming in and lurking around.

And that’s fine! If you are new here, WELCOME! πŸ™‚

However… WARNING:

New comers should be aware of several things about me so we can get along.

1. I swear. A LOT.Β 

2. I could really care less what you think of me. Judge away but I’m not losing sleep over your opinion of me.

3. I am not a private person. I live my life out loud and completely honestly every.single.day.

4. The people who really love and care for me know exactly who I am and they are the ONLY ones who matter to me.

5. I don’t run this blog for money or recognition. It’s my outlet for my own therapy. It’s like talking to myself without the chaos my mind sometimes clutters with.

Now… all that being said… I am sincerely going to try not to rant here but…

I have been blogging since 2005. It has not always been here on WordPress. The original started on Myspace. I run a mirror on EP. It started as some poetry, song lyrics, Sunday supper menus for family, thoughts on missing my mom who died from breast cancer, etc. It became my therapy when my then husband stopped taking his medications for his bipolar disorder and I began Β to worry about woulda, coulda, shoulda…

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Since I began blogging, I have gone through a complete life transformation. I went through the disintegration of my almost 20 year marriage, the first major bipolar episode and many subsequent episodes of my oldest son, a nasty and very emotionally charged divorce, the loss of my entire family whom I love/loved dearly, an insanely ridiculous rebound relationship, Β the loss of one of my best friends on earth, and the mental break down of my other best friend on earth. I also went through a horrible online dating stage and partying like a teenager stage.

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It hasn’t all been bad… Through all the storms, I have found someone who loves me for me and only me, had a beautiful new baby, had an amazing wedding, helped to navigate my daughter through two incredibly painful breakups, have seen my son begin to take control of his illness (which makes me super proud), pretty much single handedly remodeled half my house by myself, lost 60 pounds and then gained back almost 50 and have lost another 42 pounds this year.

I am a fighter… through and through… My story is MINE. I don’t give a shit if you don’t like how I have handled things. I could care less if you like me or not. I have many, many loyal readers who are dear friends of mine and have been with me the entire way. I value their opinions because they know the whole story. They don’t judge me by one post. They view it as the whole. And, no, they don’t always agree with me.

I’m okay with that. And, I will always be okay with you newcomers not agreeing with me, too. Everyone has an opinion. I get that. No problem. But, I’m not usually asking for your opinion…

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If you really just can’t help yourself and you simply MUST tell me your opinion, don’t come at me with your claws out. Especially based on one fucking post. You don’t know me or what I have been through in my life. Back the fuck off.

And, I’m only going to say this once… I will never repeat this again… Don’t you DARE tell me how I should feel or how I should handle myself as a family member or close friend of someone with mental illness. EVER. You have no right to tell me how I should feel.

YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!!!!!!!

The people I speak about in my blogs that have bipolar disorder are all fully aware and have said out loud to others that they have the disorder. It’s not a secret I am disclosing. I’m not here giving their names and addresses. I’m not breaching their trust in any way. All of them know and have known that I blog and speak out from a family member’s point of view on mental illness. The only person that would probably complain is my ex-husband but he is the LAST person on earth who can play the TRUST card with me.

lies
When it comes to mental illness, I believe that the supporting players — moms, dads, siblings, spouses, friends, etc. — are forgotten. There is so much damage control and stress and worrying that we all go through. The drama of what the actual person we love is going through is always the spotlight and the major focus. But the aftermath is where the supporting players come in.

I’m not saying that family members have it harder than the actual person with the mental illness. But it’s still extremely painful, heart wrenching, terrifyingly hard work to help someone who isn’t thinking rationally. It’s so emotionally draining. You feel alone in your quest because you don’t want to burden others. You have to make incredibly difficult decisions with no real guidance or guidelines that flat out guarantee you peace because there are no absolute no-fail answers. And there is definitely no one to ask.

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My (overly long winded) point is… As we deal with our mentally incapable family members and loved ones, we have fears and doubts about everything we do. And we generally suffer silently as a group out of embarrassment or despair or helplessness. We feel alone. We have thoughts that other people never have to consider. How do you plan for another person’s irrationality? I’m a planner. I make no apologies for my thoughts.

People from all over the world have messaged me or emailed me with stories of how they have dealt with the people who they dearly love but are afflicted with mental illness. I judge none of them. There is no right way or wrong way to care. It is what it is. We do the best we can that day. That’s all we can do.

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I will never judge any of you. When you message me your stories, I know you are doing the best that you can in that moment. Sometimes, it’s not our proudest moment in life but that’s okay… Β and then wake up to do it all over again the next day. Day after day, month after month, year after year…

I have lived consciously with bipolar disorder in my family since the mid 1990’s. Don’t fucking tell me how I should feel or how I should act. Unless you have been here with me for the entire ride, you really don’t have enough information to judge me.

So, hopefully, I haven’t scared too many of the newcomers. I’m sorry if any of you are offended. But, it’s a blog… no one is forcing you to be here, or read this, or follow me. Move along if you don’t like me. No worries… doesn’t bother me one bit. No need to message me. People who feel compelled to message me seem to not understand that there is a clear difference between expressing your opinion and just being a rude ass bitch.

op3
Liesl can fucking bite me.

PEACE!!!

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Uh… did I mention that we are in the terrible two’s?

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I just cried watching The Search for Santa Paws. Fucking PMS.

Been a bit since I checked in and Nate is emailing me INCESSANTLY wondering if I am dead or possibly going the crazy cat lady route so I figured… eh? I’d better check in.

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What’s up!? πŸ˜€

Yep. Me, too. Work and sleep. Sleep and work. That’s what my life consists of mostly. πŸ˜†

I’m kinda boring. I guess I can see Nate’s point on the crazy cat lady business…

I’m still slaving away at work. I read some recent study that said people in the U.S. are more stressed at work than ever before. 83%! That means MOST people areΒ  super stressed! The reasons cited in the article were shitty pay and being worked like dogs (which is one of those “sayings” that doesn’t make sense. My dog lays around all damn day. She doesn’t work at all. Migrant workers would be a better word. Those people work their asses off!).

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Anyway, this greatly saddens me that not only myself but 83% of Americans feel so stressed and ultimately I believe that stress can sink you into unhappiness. So 83%… okay, let’s lower it and assume some of the stressed out people still like their jobs, so… 75% ofΒ  people are eventually going to plummet into unhappiness. WTF? That’s depressing. 😦

Aren’t you glad you stopped by today? Woo Hoo!

I have recently decided to completely give up on making people be a part of my family. You know, people who are SUPPOSED to actively be a part of my family. Screw it. I cannot handle having to tell someone when they should care about someone they share DNAΒ  with, when they should treat a family member better than some stranger on the street, when they should come and visit. Seriously. If you don’t know how to do that by now and you are grown ass adult, I can’t help you. πŸ™„

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I understand that some people just don’t have the “family” gene in them. I get that because I was born to two parents who did not have that within them. But… I somehow miraculously got that gene. It must be a mutant deformed gene because my other family members just “think” they have it but they don’t. And I’m okay with that. We have an understanding and I accept that.

That being said… even my own family members like my brother and father seem to understand the very basics of having a family they ultimately love even if they can’t be near me. My father will call me or email me if I get too busy. My brother and I only talk a few times a year but I can confidently say that we are as close as we could be considering my brother has a weird “emotional distancing” gene in his body. We always start our phone conversations like we just spoke last week. Then, we talk for hours. And, we always hang up the phone acting like we are going to talk to each other next week even though it may be months away. Just typing that out… I can feel the love for my baby bro! πŸ™‚

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I knew from the get go with my new husband that his feelings about family were mired in resentment and disappointment. I knew from the beginning that I wanted to never ever be that for him. Ever. What I have come to learn about him is that even though he felt that on the surface about his family he had this underlying HOPE that he would eventually prove himself wrong. That, maybe, he was wrong and he could actually rely on his family. That he could have close normal relationships with them. That his only son, who he waited years to have and even had written off as ever possibly being able to have, would be able to know the closeness and reliability of a warm loving family.

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The good news is that we have experienced that with some family members. The bad news is we have been greatly disappointed by others. And it is always the opposite of what you think… The family members who we shouldn’t have to rely on and count on are the best examples of family we have had and have been true blessings in our lives. The family members we thought we would have that with have been huge disappointments.

I guess I should just thank my lucky stars that we have finally come to the conclusion of that little journey. I don’t think it’s something we will give up on entirely for the sake of my son but we will definitely not be going out of our way anymore to make someone a part of our lives. Our rose colored glasses view of these people has been tarnished and we know how little we mean to them now. I’m okay with that. Andy is okay with that. It is what it is, people.

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Our focus now is to really embrace the family members who have made it a point to show us how much we mean to them. My older children always had a huge family to rely on and still do even when they think they don’t. My youngest son will not have that same overall feeling but I want to make sure that the family members he will rely on feel that they are appreciated and loved as much as possible.

Because that’s how you do family, folks! You love them and let them know they are loved!

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Family members aren’t just a stranger or acquaintance. They are your life. Some people just don’t get that. It’s either that or they just don’t give a fuck. Probably both. My son doesn’t need those people in his life. Not that they really want to be anyway so that all works out fine, eh? Their loss. Because my son is amazing. And funny as all get out!

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So, speaking of family… update on James is that he and his baby mama have moved into their own home together. I pray to God that this works out. I worry that when they lived with her parents her family became a buffer for their fighting so James had to try to keep his cool. He wasn’t always successful I believe but it was still better than he normally would be. His bipolar tendencies have been rearing up a bit he recently told me. We had a talk about what he might want to do to head that off but there is only so much coaching you can do. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his condition sooner or later.

I get to watch the grandbaby every 2-3 weeks and that has been so much fun. Grandchildren are like the best thing ever. Seriously. Grandparents who do not embrace their grandchildren are really missing out. Despite his extremely rough start in life, he is almost as heavy as my youngest son and only a couple of inches shorter! Since he was a premie, he is 2-3 months behind other babies developmentally but he should catch up real soon here. He is always laughing and smiling and giving my youngest son the “concerned” look when he acts a fool. πŸ˜†

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Chelsea is plugging away. She’s at this age where she needs me very, very little and talks to me only once a week right now. I’m fine with that. She needs time to develop herself without me griping at her all the time. She will come back my way. I am so very proud of her and I am sure that even though I am not nagging on her 24 hours a day she will continue to be the responsible person she excels at being… much to her older brother’s chagrin.

Chagrin. Who uses words like that anymore? I am such a nerd. 😯

My dad has a new woman in his life. She lives in Seattle. πŸ˜† I know! I tried setting him up with someone who lives in the next state over and he said that was way too far. He then goes and finds a woman who lives all the way across the United States! WTF?! Anyway, so he called to tell me… that’s when you know he’s getting serious… he will tell me. I called my little brother first and he warned me that the woman looks just like my mom. Truth. But, hey… it is what it is…

She has a lovely facebook and seems like a very nice lady. He is going to visit her in May and we will see how it goes. She is independent, financially sound, and has a great work ethic. I completely had to coach my dad to tell him not to be all weird and blow this… so I hope he didn’t think I was joking… because I wasn’t. 😐

Let’s see… what else is up? I have lost about 15 pounds in the last 6 weeks but it is a struggle. My body still hates me and bickers with me every single day. It seems like one day a week my body either gets up late or is too damn lazy to fight me so I miraculously lose three pounds overnight. Then I don’t lose an ounce for 10 days. So frustrating!

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And don’t tell me what I’m doing wrong (Nathan). I have fluctuated my calories, added exercise, experimented with different eating times… I hate to go full on extreme low carb but I am approaching it. I have so little time to exercise since my work hours are so bad so low carbing is becoming a very lucrative option. I just hate to do that because anytime you cheat you have to take 3-5 days to get back into ketosis again. Blah!

I did get a new grill so I have been learning how to cook on it. I’m pretty bad at it so far, but I refuse to believe that just because I am a woman I can’t grill. My grade school boyfriend told me that last year and I plan on proving that little shit WRONG! You hear me, Bom! πŸ˜‰ I know you do!

Okay, well, it’s midnight. My pumpkin awaits!

PEACE!!!

Well, I don’t really know what happened but I did so horrible this week on my diet… and I was freaking starving! I may need to tweak my strategy…

In the past, my strategy has been only to eat when I am absolutely hungry and then only eat until I am no longer hungry and then stop. When I eat, it is either vegetables or protein. Nothing more.

I think my body has changed quite a bit since the baby. I did everything I have done in the past and I only lost 2 pounds. I should have lost more than that for it being my first week of full commitment. So frustrating!

So new strategy this week will be to try to not eat late at night. My new schedule has me all screwed up. I don’t start working until 10am and I don’t get off until almost 7pm every night. Then I have to feed the baby and get him calmed down for bed time. Then I do whatever chores need to be done… usually dishes and picking up toys. By then it’s 10pm and I haven’t even had supper yet and I’m starving! So then I make something to eat. I eat by 11pm and go to bed an hour later.

I think this has caused my whole system to be “off”. Just what my genetically effed up metabolism needs, eh? πŸ™„

Oh well. I’m not a quitter. I have been fat since I had my son at age 18. So for 20 years… And I was so much heavier than this 5 years ago. I always knew it wouldn’t come off quickly and I knew I would have to take it slow….

I just didn’t really PLAN to have a baby again. And I didn’t forsee all the stress my job would cause. Hell, five years ago my job was the happiest thing in my life. I super loved my job. Now? The amount of stress is overwhelming and has caused fat from my ass to move to my stomach. Very annoying and much harder to eliminate.

I have been reading about cortisol and serotonin and possible options to reduce or inhibit my stomach fat easier. Dr. Oz has this whole thing about Garcinia Cambogia. He said it was cheap. It is not… but it may be worth a try if I can find it somewhere cheap. I’m not much of a pill taker but I’m game to try anything that might help that particular problem.

I hate it when my stomach goes out further than my boobs. πŸ˜›

In other news…

Okay, there is no other news right now. I have been working my ass off because I am trying to keep my job for as long as humanly possible and that means working like a slave. I’ve been going in early, staying late, working through lunch. It’s ridiculous really. But in today’s world, if you have a job, you had better be going the extra mile. People would line up to replace your ass. You ARE replaceable. I know this because my employer reminds me of this all.the.time. Good of them, huh? πŸ˜‰

Today I changed all the sheets in the house. This is when I discovered that because my husband does not know how to fold the sheets properly that he just crumples them up into a big ball and then shoves them into the shelf in my closet. 😯

Yeah, I know, right? WTF? 😯

I haven’t really been keeping up with current TV shows. I am so far behind on Project Runway that they have started the new season and I haven’t even finished last season yet! 😯 I KNOW!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

I finally finished LOST. I swear that I have no idea why people made such a big deal of it. It wasn’t THAT great. The first couple of seasons were the best… but isn’t that how it always goes with good shows like that? I remember when I watched HEROES. I loved it but each season the writing got suckier and suckier… That’s how I felt about LOST. But Matthew Fox was super hot in it most of the time. πŸ˜†

Now I am watching Shameless… the British version… the original. I hate it when American Television tries to rip off the British shows. They are never as good or clever. (Maybe I shouldn’t say “never” since I love The Office – the American version…) It usually takes me an episode or so to get used to the accents but generally I do and they are pretty funny… And the Brits all look like normal people to me… not like all those clones you see in those CW shows… UGH! B-O-R-I-N-G!

On the friend front, I have none really. It’s been so freaking cold out this winter that I literally have been holing myself up in the house. I don’t go see anyone and no one sees me. Joanne deleted my on facebook and started not talking to me… AGAIN… when I was on my Houston trip for training. I asked her why but she never responded and I just let it go because I am done dealing with crazy. I just don’t have the time to deal with people who only think about themselves and what is going on in their lives…

It does make me kinda sad. I know I have lots of friends online through EP and the other activities I have done over the last 15 years or so… BUT, it would be nice to have some true women friends in real life. And I would like for them to not be suffering any type of mental illness or stupidity. That would help me out sooooo much! πŸ˜‰

Okay, well, I am just generally rambling right now because I am tired and need to get to bed. I know this post was super boring. Sorry, guys! This is what happens to people when they don’t leave their homes ever… nothing fun ever happens to them! πŸ˜›

PEACE!!!

The “I” Factor

Posted: November 11, 2012 in Awkward, Sucking It Up, Wasted Efforts

So, today, I asked Andrew what he wants to do about Christmas for our baby. His idea is this:

That’s great. I’m all for that. So I ask him if we can discuss what we are getting him. My husband says:

“I” am getting him those 4 things.

Okay. 😐

Forgive me. Maybe I am stupid. I was thinking WE, as equal parents and now life partners, would make these decisions together. You know… because we are married now… Plus, I figured we should discuss this now to set the precedent for what we are going to establish for this child’s lifetime.

My children from my previous marriage had a different upbringing than what I imagine would be acceptable to Andrew. This is going to sound excessive but my budget was always $1000 and the kids always got an equal amount of comparable gifts. I never spent the whole $1000 because Chelsea’s items were always way cheaper than James’. But, inevitably, each kid had at least 15 wrapped gifts a piece plus a majorly full stocking. Only one gift was from Santa and it was usually a mid range gift. We were obviously overcompensating for our shitty childhoods… πŸ™„

When I was a kid, my Christmases sucked. I always got stuff I “needed”. Stocking stuffers were socks and underwear. I got one gift I wanted. Maybe. I only remember truly 2 gifts I ever got that I loved. Maybe I am just an ungrateful brat. 😐 Andrew’s Christmases were the same or worse and he experienced alot of disappointment. But, while he was actually pretty poor as a child, he says he never really felt cheated. Of course.

Anyway… I assume based on ALLLLLL of THAT that we would meet somewhere in the middle… TOGETHER. But no. Apparently I am a freaking idiot for thinking this. When I pointed out to Andrew that we are now married and joint parents and I just assumed that we would plan our gift giving to our child together, he got all defensive and then did a girl thing. πŸ™„ He turned it around on me and said I was making it more complicated than it needed to be.

πŸ™„ Really? πŸ™„

Here I am trying to compromise and be, you know, MARRIED 😯 and… W.T.F.!?

I really wanted to do this as a couple. It kind of breaks my heart that he is still thinking in terms of separateness. He’ll do his thing and I’m supposed to do mine. I don’t like that idea. I think it sucks. But my input isn’t valued apparently. At. All.

Shit.

I thought this wasn’t a big deal. I figured I would just go with it. You know… Ok, fine, Mr. Insensitive Prick, I will just do my thing and you do yours. But, if I’m being honest, I’m pretty upset about this. 😦

So my feelings are pretty hurt right now… 😦

I’m not going to apologize for feeling this way. It is what it is. He apologized but I still am feeling down about everything that went down today.

I have been very excitedly looking all over the internet and kind of half planning my future wedding to the man who i normally absolutely adore. I have ideas but I didn’t want to set anything in stone until I talked to Andrew about it. It is his first marriage and I want his wants first and foremost. So I finally got up the nerve to ask him about it…

(I say “get up the nerve” because it would be the first conversation we have had about getting married since the week he actually proposed.)

Ok, so… I ask him what he wants to do and he acts like he hasn’t actually thought about it. (yeah, right) So I press him more… he *has* actually thought about it. In fact, back in the day, he had an elaborate wedding in his mind. Of course, he won’t share that vision with me πŸ™„

Nope. Instead of telling me what he would like to do for his one and only wedding day that will forever unite him with the love of his life, he proceeds to tell me that it doesn’t really matter… it’s just a wedding… it’s not a big deal to him. And he repeats this in various different ways like 20 fucking times!

It’s not important.
At.
All.

AT ALL!!! Like I’m really not important at all!!!

And then… AND THEEEEENNNNN… he kept like talking about it (like that) and I had to finally tell him to stop saying that… stop saying that it wasn’t important and didn’t matter… because he was hurting my feelings… and he goes “Oh God!” and ROLLS HIS EYES!!!!!

WTMLF???

And THEN ———> He starts going on and on about how he doesn’t want to be spending all sorts of money on an event that didn’t “pay off” and how he understood now why most of his family members went the cheap route…

REALLY? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? REALLY?

So I quit talking and quietly started working on the baby book because I just didn’t know what else to say or do. I felt like I was about to burst into tears…

It’s not like I’m some little teeny booper planning my crazy uber expensive wedding of a lifetime. And I’m not a super duper romantic person who is constantly day dreaming of a fairytale Cinderella wedding… I wasn’t going for elaborate. I just wanted to include his desires for it to possibly be close to what he ideally would want for himself… and instead of just telling me that, he turned it all into a negative thing about money and how much it doesn’t mean shit to him…

Super.

Fucking awesome.

I realize there are people who have big receptions and weddings to “clean up” in the gift department. I am *NOT* one of those people. I hadn’t even considered that actually. And I never would. I see a wedding as a celebration of our love for each other and our union together. I know that sounds romantic but I think that’s a pretty universal thought for BOTH brides and grooms normally… tell me I’m wrong…

And I am a pretty cost conscious person. And given his penchant for being a non-factor in helping me with ANYTHING financial EVER, I kind of suspected that the wedding effort would be like getting a dime out of Scrooge himself. I mean, Jesus, come on! The man can’t even cough up a fucking engagement ring! Right?

But, hey, apparently I’m not worth all that… πŸ™„

I told him that if we are just going to look at cost as a factor, then we should just go to the courthouse and don’t do anything at all… no reception, no ceremony, nothing… I mean, what’s the point? If it means absolutely nothing to him then there’s no point…

If marrying the love of your life is just “not important”, then why get married at all? I don’t *need* to get married. I’ve done that before. HE asked ME! I assumed that meant that becoming married to me was important to him! If it’s “not a big deal” then fuck it… I don’t need to be married…

Because I want someone who thinks being married to me is a God damn privilege and that I am worth everything they hold precious and dear in their life. I totally get being cheap because I am known for being a cheapskate myself… but I would NEVER make him feel like he wasn’t worth everything to me. Never. I want only the very best for him. At any cost.

His belief is that we shouldn’t make everything complicated, too. That decorating things and planning a meal is overkill. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to pay for anything… Yeah… that’s probably it, huh? So we just shouldn’t do anything!

Because events like this cost some money… 😐 I wasn’t planning anything extravagant but it would have cost some money… and time… and work on our parts… on BOTH of our parts, not just mine… but now I know that that is all just too much work and time and money… and if we do anything that all the work will fall on MY shoulders alone because I wouldn’t want to disturb him… and now I feel like if I plan anything at all then it’s just going to fall on me and ONLY ME and not be appreciated anyway so what’s the point…

FUCK ME!

He did apologize to me when he realized how upset I was but he only apologized because I verbally told him my feelings were hurt. Otherwise, he had no clue that he was ripping my heart out… πŸ˜₯

And, yes, I realize that he is just a dumbass that doesn’t get women and their feelings and never really has (which is why he was still single) so I need to cut him some slack sometimes… but really? At what point do I stop giving him slack and start beating him upside the head so his brain will rewire correctly?

I feel defeated and unworthy and now my bubble is burst and pretty dried up… I don’t even want to have a wedding at all anymore.

Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. Maybe.

😦