Posts Tagged ‘bipolar’

So my blog has been alot more popular of late due to the weight loss posts… which means we have alot of new people coming in and lurking around.

And that’s fine! If you are new here, WELCOME! 🙂

However… WARNING:

New comers should be aware of several things about me so we can get along.

1. I swear. A LOT. 

2. I could really care less what you think of me. Judge away but I’m not losing sleep over your opinion of me.

3. I am not a private person. I live my life out loud and completely honestly every.single.day.

4. The people who really love and care for me know exactly who I am and they are the ONLY ones who matter to me.

5. I don’t run this blog for money or recognition. It’s my outlet for my own therapy. It’s like talking to myself without the chaos my mind sometimes clutters with.

Now… all that being said… I am sincerely going to try not to rant here but…

I have been blogging since 2005. It has not always been here on WordPress. The original started on Myspace. I run a mirror on EP. It started as some poetry, song lyrics, Sunday supper menus for family, thoughts on missing my mom who died from breast cancer, etc. It became my therapy when my then husband stopped taking his medications for his bipolar disorder and I began  to worry about woulda, coulda, shoulda…

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Since I began blogging, I have gone through a complete life transformation. I went through the disintegration of my almost 20 year marriage, the first major bipolar episode and many subsequent episodes of my oldest son, a nasty and very emotionally charged divorce, the loss of my entire family whom I love/loved dearly, an insanely ridiculous rebound relationship,  the loss of one of my best friends on earth, and the mental break down of my other best friend on earth. I also went through a horrible online dating stage and partying like a teenager stage.

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It hasn’t all been bad… Through all the storms, I have found someone who loves me for me and only me, had a beautiful new baby, had an amazing wedding, helped to navigate my daughter through two incredibly painful breakups, have seen my son begin to take control of his illness (which makes me super proud), pretty much single handedly remodeled half my house by myself, lost 60 pounds and then gained back almost 50 and have lost another 42 pounds this year.

I am a fighter… through and through… My story is MINE. I don’t give a shit if you don’t like how I have handled things. I could care less if you like me or not. I have many, many loyal readers who are dear friends of mine and have been with me the entire way. I value their opinions because they know the whole story. They don’t judge me by one post. They view it as the whole. And, no, they don’t always agree with me.

I’m okay with that. And, I will always be okay with you newcomers not agreeing with me, too. Everyone has an opinion. I get that. No problem. But, I’m not usually asking for your opinion…

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If you really just can’t help yourself and you simply MUST tell me your opinion, don’t come at me with your claws out. Especially based on one fucking post. You don’t know me or what I have been through in my life. Back the fuck off.

And, I’m only going to say this once… I will never repeat this again… Don’t you DARE tell me how I should feel or how I should handle myself as a family member or close friend of someone with mental illness. EVER. You have no right to tell me how I should feel.

YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!!!!!!!

The people I speak about in my blogs that have bipolar disorder are all fully aware and have said out loud to others that they have the disorder. It’s not a secret I am disclosing. I’m not here giving their names and addresses. I’m not breaching their trust in any way. All of them know and have known that I blog and speak out from a family member’s point of view on mental illness. The only person that would probably complain is my ex-husband but he is the LAST person on earth who can play the TRUST card with me.

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When it comes to mental illness, I believe that the supporting players — moms, dads, siblings, spouses, friends, etc. — are forgotten. There is so much damage control and stress and worrying that we all go through. The drama of what the actual person we love is going through is always the spotlight and the major focus. But the aftermath is where the supporting players come in.

I’m not saying that family members have it harder than the actual person with the mental illness. But it’s still extremely painful, heart wrenching, terrifyingly hard work to help someone who isn’t thinking rationally. It’s so emotionally draining. You feel alone in your quest because you don’t want to burden others. You have to make incredibly difficult decisions with no real guidance or guidelines that flat out guarantee you peace because there are no absolute no-fail answers. And there is definitely no one to ask.

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My (overly long winded) point is… As we deal with our mentally incapable family members and loved ones, we have fears and doubts about everything we do. And we generally suffer silently as a group out of embarrassment or despair or helplessness. We feel alone. We have thoughts that other people never have to consider. How do you plan for another person’s irrationality? I’m a planner. I make no apologies for my thoughts.

People from all over the world have messaged me or emailed me with stories of how they have dealt with the people who they dearly love but are afflicted with mental illness. I judge none of them. There is no right way or wrong way to care. It is what it is. We do the best we can that day. That’s all we can do.

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I will never judge any of you. When you message me your stories, I know you are doing the best that you can in that moment. Sometimes, it’s not our proudest moment in life but that’s okay…  and then wake up to do it all over again the next day. Day after day, month after month, year after year…

I have lived consciously with bipolar disorder in my family since the mid 1990’s. Don’t fucking tell me how I should feel or how I should act. Unless you have been here with me for the entire ride, you really don’t have enough information to judge me.

So, hopefully, I haven’t scared too many of the newcomers. I’m sorry if any of you are offended. But, it’s a blog… no one is forcing you to be here, or read this, or follow me. Move along if you don’t like me. No worries… doesn’t bother me one bit. No need to message me. People who feel compelled to message me seem to not understand that there is a clear difference between expressing your opinion and just being a rude ass bitch.

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Liesl can fucking bite me.

PEACE!!!

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I was so sad to hear of the passing of Robin Williams. It’s a real tragedy that such talent has now left us. It’s equally tragic that the manner of his death was indicative of his drowning in sorrow and despair.

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So many people have such strong feelings of suicide. People all over Facebook are debating and arguing over his suicide. Sometimes, I just wish people would shut the fuck up. It’s okay to have an opinion but sometimes your opinion is best left unsaid. There is a time and a place for everything. Speaking out against the selfishness of suicide right after someone does it is soooo unclassy.

I have an opinion just like all the other assholes out here… I just choose to keep it mostly to myself as opposed to, say, typing it all out on Robin Williams’  loved ones’ Twitter or Instagram or Facebook accounts. What a bunch of dicks those people who did that are. Seriously.

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So, I’m not going to say what my exact opinion was of this tragic incident. But I do want to share with you my fears about suicide as it pertains to people in my life with bipolar disorder.

This is my worst fear. It is something I have worried about for years and years. I have acquaintances who have had to walk that path of being a casualty of suicide. It’s so devastating and life changing. It can thrust the ones left behind into a dark abyss of depression.

As the parent and former spouse and close friend of bipolar people… as someone who has seen what the extreme depths of depression can do to an average ordinary person… I have a great phobia of any one of these past or present people suddenly deciding to take their own life. What’s even scarier for me is that there is probably nothing I can do to stop it if they choose that path at some point.

My ex-husband will call me a damn liar, I’m sure, but I worried about that constantly during my separation with him. I felt I was fueling his psychotic behavior by continuing to speak with him. He was so distraught and desperate. He was being completely irrational. My solution – wrong as it was – was to stop being emotional around him. To just stop my end of the madness in hopes that it would stop his.

It didn’t. He just became even more irrational and ended up thinking I was a complete bitch. Looking back, I wish I had done things differently. But there’s nothing I can do about that now. I am just so glad that he has found someone that makes him happy again. I am so glad he never hurt himself and that he was able t find his light again.

My son has the disorder worse than my ex-husband does, so I really fear for his life as he gets older and the disease progresses unmedicated. I worry that he will go out and do something irreversibly wrong and then think that he has no way out. I worry that as he gets older and his bipolar episodes become more prevalent that he will sink into deep depressions that will be hard to lift him out from.

One of my best friends also has bipolar disorder. I actually didn’t even speak with her for about a year because her disorder became so bad that she became delusional. It was safer for her and me for me to stay away. Her husband actually had to have her committed to a mental ward (which is actually very hard to do when people are over the age of 18 – he had to get a court order) due to hallucinations and delusional actions.

This friend would get so depressed that she wouldn’t leave her house for months. I would ask her to go do things and she would say yes and then cancel at the last minute. Or, she would cry at the thought of leaving the home. It was a major low depression doing that.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Magnet, SVP05-0126
I saw an interview with Robin Williams in the mid ’90’s. He had admitted to being bipolar. I remember it well because my ex-husband was diagnosed at around the same time I came across the interview.

Even after all the bullshit I went through with my ex-husband, I would never want him to die. And I especially would not want him to commit suicide and leave my children without their funnest parent. Ever.

I worry constantly about my son. He has had friends and people he went to school with who have committed suicide. I am thankful that his opinion is genuinely one of disbelief that they did this. However, I know from past experiences with him that he could very well make a bad decision like that in his future. It terrifies me.

I am thankful that my friend has a husband who has lived with and cared for his wife since she was 15 years old and couldn’t imagine his life without her… the good and the bad. He is obviously a saint and deserves every good thing in life. I couldn’t hack it and got oyt of the situation. He stands strong like a warrior through it all to make sure my friend remains safe. I still worry about her, though. He can’t be there 24/7. She is another one that could make an irrational split second decision that would forever change all who know her.

This is my worst fear. I’m sure that the devastation I can only imagine would happen is actually probably 10 times worse for the loved ones that have actually been victims of the aftermath of suicide.

I wish I could shield each of these people that I know, who suffer from the debilitating effects of the major depressive state that they swing down to after having a manic episode, from any suicidal thoughts for the rest of their lives. I know I can’t shield them from it. All I can do is be there if they need me. Sometimes, it’s the being there that can make all the difference for some people… for others, I can’t be so sure that anything could stop them.

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PEACE!!!

I have been a bit stressed and busy lately so I haven’t had a chance to update my long time readers. Sorry about that, peeps! If you are just a casual reader here, then you may wish to skip this post… it has nothing to do with diet or weight loss or food in any way…

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So, today was Father’s Day… we didn’t do much here. Just sat around watching TV and doing cooking for the week. I had already sent a card to my father and son. I gave my husband a card and bought him some new uniforms online. Woo hoo! Exciting, eh?

There really isn’t very much going on in my personal life lately. I have become pretty boring. Considering the drama filled, emotional extravaganza I encountered on my trip to boringville, I won’t bitch about having a boring life right now. 😉

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My adult son did call me today. Freaking the hell out because the cell phone he insists on getting is $100 more than he thought it would be. Really. He was out of his mind crazy upset about it. And, no. He is not on his medication at the moment. But he’s an adult now. He needs to manage that shit on his own. I can’t do it for him. He obviously needs it…

My daughter has just entered a new relationship with a new guy. I haven’t met him yet but she says he’s okay. That remains to be seen… I am suspect after the last guy who looked perfect and turned out to be a narcissistic asshole. 😐 She is almost done with her Associate’s degree. Finally. It has only taken her 4 years to complete community college. I love the girl, but really? 😆

My husband’s diabetic 85 year old grandmother has now returned from a trip to Tennessee. She is always telling me how she is on a no carb diet but is constantly eating fruit and having a “teeny bit” of cake or cookies. It frustrates me to no end. I don’t want to be mean to her but this is a life or death thing for her. I hate that she doesn’t listen when you tell her stuff.

She isn’t my grandmother and I don’t feel right bossing her around, but I feel like shaking some sense into her. Old habits die hard, I guess. I hope that I will not ever be NOT willing to listen and learn new things when I am 85 years old. She doesn’t seem to understand that if she needs low carbs and moderate protein, then all that’s left is fat. She’s lived a lifetime of the government telling her fat is bad so I guess I get it. I tell her about all the new research and she still doesn’t listen.

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Also, I pray to God that I am not worrying about my weight when I am 85 years old. Seriously. That is a major concern for her. She absolutely does not want to gain weight. Now… granted… gaining weight would not be advantageous to her health at all. BUT… her health is not really her concern. Her concern is gaining weight, period. UGH!

Work has been extra stressful with the departure of my old manager. My new manager is very much like that prior manager that went 6 months not speaking to me. (Or vice versa… whatever…) I do not have a good vibe about this at all.

I am now starting to think about what I should do in my next chapter of life… like what new career I should have. The thing is, I would love to be a stay at home mom full time, but I am so not a believer in women being dependent in any way on a man. Ever. So I need to figure out a new career.

I keep hoping I will have an epiphany of some sort that helps guide me but it’s just not happening. I have considered taking a CNA class since CNAs can always find work somewhere and I would be okay with wearing scrubs every day… 😆 I have also considered trying to start a Virtual Assistant business but I hate selling myself. The long range of that seems to not be very stable… although I believe that the perfectionist in me would make me awesome at it.

I considered going back to college but what pisses me off about college is that I would have to take about a million of those 090 classes, which don’t even count towards college credit, to even bring myself up to speed. That pisses me off. I mean, I work with numbers every single day of my 40ish years of  life and I have yet to use any algebra from 8th grade beyond the first week or two of that instruction. WHY do I need to take MORE?

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I have worked for 30 years straight this year. I’m so tired of working. I’m especially tired of “having” to work in order to survive. I know… I’m whining… fuck. I really just hate that I haven’t been able to CHOOSE to work, I guess. I would love the luxury.

My brother has found a great new girl and she came with two additional little girls. I knew he wouldn’t be single long. The good and stable guys never are. As much as I was sure he was going to end up being a carbon copy of my father, I am so proud that he has really grown over the last few years and is totally not. I was preparing to be basically family-less but he has really turned that around and we are closer than we ever have been. That’s real hard when you have a 12 year age difference!

My father is living well with his new wife. We have occasional brief and awkward phone calls where he is always trying too hard to get off the phone as quickly as possible and I’m trying to keep the conversation going. Oh well. I’m trying! :/

So, that’s the update on my life right now. All boring and bland but I had received a few messages asking me how things were going.

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SUM UP: Stagnant but I’m okay with that. Need new career ideas.

PEACE!!!

I can’t believe how many emails, messages, and comments were left for me after my last post on my face plant after divorcing my husband of almost 20 years. I am so moved by all of your stories of strength and equally embarrassing face plants. I feel surrounded by so many strong and beautiful souls! 🙂

I also received so many questions… I tried to reply to everyone but some questions kept coming up over and over again so I didn’t answer them all. I just mulled them over and decided to post my answers to reach as many of you in one shot as I could. Hopefully, I don’t offend anyone. (Screw that… I’m sure I will…)

The most often asked question was for me to tell my story. I will give you the short version here for time’s sake:

I met my ex-husband when I was 14 years old. We dated for four years through high school and I was married to him shortly after high school. I was 4 months pregnant at the time. I should have known what I was getting into… he cheated on me all through high school and had a major affair just 2 months prior to getting married. 😐

(I KNOW!!!!)

So, anyway… we went on… had two children, lived our super stressful lives… Along the way, we moved several times. We were never really stable but I thought we were happy. We ran a business together that was extremely stressful for me but was what he wanted and he was good at it and loved it. We had a stable home, two great kids, a dog, a cat, a boat, and two cars. Living the dream…

Then, one day, 11 years later, he decided he didn’t love me anymore. A month later, he left me. Another month later, much to my relief, he came home. We revamped our lives, moved again, and started over. Five years later, he began another affair while I was at my mother’s bedside as she passed away from breast cancer. The affair lasted a year. I was in shock when he confessed and didn’t know what in the fuck to do. I let him stay. I stayed. (I was so stupid.) We continued on and tried to rebuild.

In 2007, my son graduated high school. I saw pictures of myself at his graduation party. I was the fattest I have ever been and I looked miserable. And I was. I started reading self help books and blogs online. I started losing some weight. I started to care about myself again. I began educating myself on how to take care of me. I began seeing everything in a different light. The only redeeming reason that I could think of to stay in my marriage at that point was our family (HIS family… not mine… as I later realized…).

By the beginning of 2008, I began to start freaking myself out. I knew the signs now of the precursors of my ex-husband’s infidelity. He began showing signs of it again. Little things. Not taking his meds for his bipolar disorder, taking me for granted, being selfish with our finances, treating me like I was always the bad guy… I assumed that pretty soon he would start another affair. He wasn’t yet. And I know it was wrong to assume… but I did. I talked myself into it. I just knew I was in for it… I was convinced.

By the time he had a heart attack in the Spring, I was done… I knew that I was just done… When I look back now, I realize I was done when he confessed to the second affair. I just was not a strong enough person to recognize it at the time. 😕 Aaaannnd… I really, really, REALLY loved my family… (aka HIS family… not mine… once again… duh.)

This man, who had devastated me by that time TWICE in my lifetime, was still someone I would have called my best friend. I realized I needed to tell him how I was feeling. Did that. He began acting super crazy after that. Paranoia on his part just settled in.

He was so emotional… like super freaky emotional… at the thought of me not being with him that I just shut down. Completely. I couldn’t handle his super emotional-ness, so I went the other direction… I became non-emotional. Now, if you know me, this is NOT me. At all. I am usually the super emotional freak. I just flaked out. I could not handle it.

Anyway, his super emotional paranoia caused him to leave the home. I told him before he left that he should not leave and that if he did I would not ask him back. He left. I didn’t ask him back. (I know I confused some people by saying in my post that I decided to separate… I feel like it was my choice because I didn’t ask him back.) It was all downhill from there…

All that followed was Jerry Springer shit. I heard a barrage of confessions on his and other women’s parts… stories of past indiscretions on his part… some in the first year of our marriage…  I, myself, entered into a rebound relationship with an ex-childhood boyfriend that was stupid and misguided. (He was a lying asshole at the end of the day…) I found out who my real friends were… two. My ex started just making up random stories about me that were completely fabricated but everyone thought they were true. I lost almost my entire family… my daughter was the only one who had my back. My husband fought me tooth and nail during a divorce with no real assets or anything just so he could have some kind of power trip.

I did try once to reconcile after separation. He came home and lived with me. I felt suffocated. He knew I had been seeing this ex-boyfriend even though I was not seeing him at all during the reconciliation. Yet, he was suspicious of everything I did. I had to sneak around to even just see friends. (Stupidity on my part… I should have told him to fuck off and leave me alone…) I found out he came home and had lied to me about his prior living situation (and romantic involvement with a roommate, apparently). He finally violently blew up at me and it was over. Done.

My divorce took 2 years to complete. We had no assets we were fighting over. His dispute was a freaking life insurance policy that he couldn’t afford and has probably lapsed. I just wanted my kids to be able to afford to bury him if need be in the future. Now they’ll have to foot the bill. He hired a very expensive attorney. My legal fees went from $600 (which would have paid for both of us had he been amicable) to over $2000. I realize that’s cheap by city standards but it’s alot of money to me. He was court ordered to pay $600 of my legal fees but he has never paid it. Oh well.

So that’s my story of the divorce. That’s a short version, obviously. So much more went on. My long time readers and EPers know what I went through. As soon as he left, I made a series of horrible decisions. I was an emotional train wreck for about a year to 18 months before I started pulling myself together. This was the time it took me to find myself.

I’m going to now answer the top 5 questions people asked me repeatedly in emails and messages and comments since my face plant post:

1. Weren’t you scared to be alone?

Well, yes. Yes, I was. Which is why I immediately dropped into a rebound relationship. Mistake numero UNO. You should learn from my mistakes, but I know you won’t. 😉 That’s okay.

I did not really realize how incredibly alone I was going to be. You can kind of imagine it for yourself, but believe me when I tell you, take that times 10. I felt so incredibly alone. I lost everything and everyone in my life. My son hated me. My daughter was a Senior in high school. She was supportive but at that self-absorbed age. My extended family… well, I didn’t really have a family myself at that point… my unemotional father and my brother. My husband’s family virtually disappeared. Our friends didn’t want to take sides… such a lonely time…

During this time, I tried to nuture an untrue rebound relationship out of desperation. That was a big part of my FACE PLANT. I also went out and partied like a college student with money. 😆 I never went to college or had any “college” years so I guess it was a way of making up for lost time… and a way to make me feel like I wasn’t really alone… but I was.

BUT… let me say this… You WILL come out of this phase. Hopefully, it will last for less time than mine did… But I assure you that you WILL emerge from this loneliness. You just really have to love yourself enough to know that you are worthy of someone’s company. Spend time with friends that support you. I had two friends who supported me. I practically lived at their homes. Join a meet up group or two. I met some pretty great people through those and it gave me something to do. Say YES to every invitation to go out. Don’t be afraid to experience new things and places and things to do. Stay busy!

One morning, I woke up in my bed, all alone, and thought… I slept great, I feel great, and shit… I look pretty damn good, too! 😀 I didn’t wake up feeling alone and lonely and full of despair at what I had done… it was all smooth sailing from there… that was May 10, 2010. Almost two years from my date of separation… it’s a process.

2. How did your kids take it? (aka Why didn’t you stay for the kids?)

First and foremost, I am a staunch believer that staying for the kids is STUPID. It’s like one of the most moronic things ever. Ever. Because children pick up on tensions and unloving actions. And then they just mimic that later in life. I am not a fan.

Secondly, my kids were grown (17 and 21 years old) and I thought they could handle it. I was wrong. They handled it better when they were younger and their dad left me for another woman… As adults, they were much less “okay” with it. I think this has alot to do with the parents…

Look, I would have loved an amicable split and remaining best of friends with my ex. Seriously. Every day of my life I wish that is what had happened. It is not. He is incredibly bitter and angry, even to this day. He has turned into his father which I never thought I would see. Those TV shows and movies showing exes having nice divorces are just LYING TO YOU! 😡

But I digress… My son was very bitter and spent the next couple of years in a bipolar spin of sorts. He was constantly breaking down into a poor me state… I think if he didn’t have bipolar disorder this would have went down much differently but that is not my reality… he lost it. Other bipolar people tell me that he probably would have lost it anyway on his own… He was partying too hard and failing at college. He had broken up with his high school sweetheart shortly after my separation. He was unmedicated and I couldn’t force him to take meds since he was now an “adult”.

My daughter was on the opposite spectrum. She was supportive but admitted that she was sad that we were divorcing. She understood, though. That’s because she saw alot more of my anguish than my son did during the years. My daughter is a homebody. She didn’t go out with friends to play or have much of a social life in high school. She was always home. She saw some of the things that happened. She experienced the ex-husband’s emotional outbursts with me and several even without me. She was witness to many scary things. So I think she understood, but was obviously sad.

Today, I feel my kids are doing fine. My daughter has her regular everyday twentysomething moments but I feel she is a very strong, stable, independent woman. I am super proud of her. She does tend to fall in my footsteps in terms of the men she picks for herself, but I am happy she is getting those mistakes out of the way NOW. I would hate for her to be almost 40 years old to figure it out.

My son… well, his bipolar disorder limits his maturity level. Even without the divorce, I think he would still probably blame me for all his problems. I chalk that up to bipolar and selfishness… because it’s been almost 6 years now… and even his own friends think he is ridiculous sometimes. And almost all of them have divorced parents…

Your kids will be okay. Someday. All I can tell you is to just be open and present in your children’s lives. Always. Don’t stop. Always be the bigger person and be willing to talk to them about anything. And always answer their questions truthfully. I have always done that and I think my kids are better for it. Do NOT be the parent that is so bitter that you make an ass of yourself trying to avoid your ex. Been there, done that… and it wasn’t me that looked like the ass…

3. Do you regret the divorce?

I used to. I actually had a time where I felt bad about everything that had transpired and sent a letter of apology to my ex. I even contemplated asking him to come home, but I refrained, figuring he would see between the lines of my apology and just do it. Thank goodness he did not.

I am almost 6 years post separation… I have never been happier in my whole life. I have a whole new life now and it’s a fucking AWESOME life! I now can honestly say that the only thing I regret is not leaving my ex-husband sooner. You will eventually get there, too, as long as you make the right choices for yourself eventually. Be true to you and love yourself. I know that sounds very cliche but I am serious.

4. I am (enter derogatory term here… fat/ugly/unemployed/stupid/etc). No one else will ever love me.

This isn’t really a question, but I felt like I had to address it… STOP. Seriously, just stop. You need to take your time and assess the situation and be honest with yourself. Everyone has faults. Everyone. If self esteem is an issue, you need to get that in order FIRST. Fair warning, once you start gaining self esteem, your tolerance level for mistreatment will be NIL, so be prepared…

At some point, you have to own the fact that you are what you are making yourself to be. Are you fat? Start exercising and dieting. Are you ugly? Start finding the great features about you and enhancing them. Are you stupid? Pick up a book, enlighten yourself! Are you feeling helpless and unemployed? Get into a training program, find any job possible, go back to school…

Be completely honest with yourself and how you feel about yourself. I highly recommend journaling or blogging. That’s what I did… although I am not a private person… Journaling is private, though, and allows you to look back and reflect on stupid shit you said about yourself. Once you have figured out what you hate about yourself, work to abolish those items on the list one by one.

I guarantee you that you will one day wake up EMPOWERED by your own courage and intelligence and beauty. And I hope that it makes you STRONG. It’s a really rough world out there… but no one has the authority to make you feel second rate… you allow that. So stop it. Right fucking now. And DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

5. How did you “get back out there”? (The “I’m scared to date” and “I’ll be alone forever” question)

This is my cautionary tale. Don’t do as I did…

By the time I separated, I was so done with my marriage. I had spent about 3 years living in utter regret and I was over it. I had an ex-boyfriend that heard I was separated right away and contacted me. I jumped in feet first and took off running. HUGE MISTAKE! Then, I proceeded to try dating and went out with a series of really shitty dates. So much fun. Not. 😐

The fact of the matter is, if you have been married a long ass time, you need time to be by yourself and learn to enjoy being alone, waking up alone, loving yourself wholly before being able to find genuine interest in other people. It truly was not until I was able to do this that I was actually worthy of being loved by someone else again.

Don’t skip steps… don’t jump in to anything… work on yourself first and love just being you… once you do that, THEN jump in. I didn’t do that. I jumped into the first shit pot that came along.

When I was truly ready, I started becoming more socially active (sometimes without alcohol 😆 ). I went out with the meet up groups to get some social interaction. I said yes to every social invitation. I made an effort to make new friends and try new things. And that’s how I met my husband…

I like to think that my new found confidence and dazzling personality were what drew him in. The fact of the matter is, we met on an online dating site, realized we went to the same high school (albeit different crowds and years), and decided we were not each other’s type… but we both had similar interests and just decided to hang out as friends. That’s where I just assume that I won him over, because I was not his type at all… he always went for the skinny blond chicks with no personality. 😉

You will find someone if you want to… there are single men everywhere… but I suggest you love yourself enough to really not give a shit if you end up alone forever before “getting back out there”. It really is true that you find love when you aren’t even really looking. Just be open enough to accept it. You are worthy of someone amazing coming into your life and loving you…

 

Alrighty… I know this post was super long… if you read through all that crap, you are either really a super fan or you are really hurting and needed it. Either way, take from it what you can and leave the rest. Don’t let anybody tell you how to live your life.

Everyone is unique in their emotional journey in this life. All I can do is let you into my personal journey as a warning of what NOT to do, but we all know you will just go do whatever it is you want to do. You will make mistakes along the way. It’s okay. Really. It’s all okay. You’ll make it through. And you’ll be smarter, more beautiful, and better than you ever imagined. I promise.

Much love.

PEACE!!!

Or, maybe more…

FAIR WARNING: This post contains swear words. So pull up your big girl panties or move on…

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I swear (a lot). People are effing nuts. I mean, I talk to all sorts of people all over the United States all day every day but I am pretty sure that the craziest people in the world reside right here within 30 radius miles of me.

So the biggest drama I have been dealing with is my renters. They broke up. And dragged my ass right in the middle of it. Are you ready for this? It’s somewhat Jerry Springer-ish…

Okay maybe not this bad

So, my renters are friends of mine. One was a former employee that moved here with my ex-husband and me back in 2000 and the other I met at a bachelorette party for her sister-in-law. The former employee I have known since 2000 at least and has always been there for me whenever I have asked for help. In his past, he was a selfish, lazy ass, woman mooching jerk. He has grown up a lot and I do think he is a good person at the end of the day. We used to hang out a lot when I was separated and we made sure each other got home safely on some late nights out with friends.

His significant other is from my former hometown. I went to school with her brother. I hung out with her for a bit when I was separated from my husband and we hit it off. She’s a fun girl and I always assumed she was pretty straight forward of a person. I like straight forward people. She hooked up with my former employee when I wasn’t even around and I was ecstatic for both of them because they seemed to really get along and match each other’s personalities.

Fast forward three years… My former employee is the one who came to my rescue this past summer when everyone on God’s green earth abandoned me. He carries the same value system as me and I love him like a little brother. When he asked me if I would consider renting to him, I jumped. I knew he could handle emergencies and most repair issues at the house. He and his significant other had a two year old little girl together and her children from a prior marriage.  And they seemed stable and happy! I was so relieved!

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So, I should have known something was very bad at Christmas. I went over and dropped off Christmas gifts for their family and she was the only one home, other than a couple of kids. I knew they had been fighting a bit but she was really just trashing her man, telling me he was accusing her of cheating and going off in fits of rage without warning. She also kind of acted like she had better shit to do than sit around bullshitting with me, which she had never done before.

Well, come to find out… SHE WAS CHEATING! She tells me now that it was after I saw her at Christmas and she hadn’t even considered it when she spoke with me. Complete bullshit because I happen to know she cheated like a day or two after I spoke with her. She slept with some complete stranger in Chicago, which is 2+ hours away. Now… women don’t usually fuck strangers without talking to them just a little bit for a few days first. So, I call bullshit. 😡

So, anyway, she cheats. That pissed me off because she lied right to my face and tried to make it look like my former employee/ my friend/ my brother was a nutcase.  😡 As someone quite experienced with cheating, lying bastards, I can fully understand and relate to random fits of rage for unexplainable reasons in the days or weeks leading up to a cheating discovery on his behalf. Because you fucking know… you know the person is cheating or getting ready to… but you are trying to convince yourself that it just isn’t happening… so you push all the rage back… but it pops out in little pockets, unexpectedly. That happens. I get that.

So, she came clean to my former employee and it just devastates him. Once again, I can totally relate. When someone who you completely trust down to the very bottom depths of your soul betrays you, you are decimated. Obliterated. Destroyed to the core. He did not reach out to me for three or four days and he was destroyed. I felt bad for him.

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What I felt worse about was the fact that she was wishy washy. She was not full of remorse or regret. She was half assed being apologetic and then telling him how unhappy she was for “so long”. Oh. My. Lord. 😯

DE-JA-VU!!!!!

Trigger.Trigger.Trigger. This is how I lived most of the last half of my marriage. While my ex-husband was always remorseful, he did temper that with a healthy does of “oh poor me, I am so unhappy, that’s why I keep fucking you over… but I’m sooo unhappy. WAH!”. And he did this consistently for the next 10 years… like every single day. Do you know what it does to your significant other when you tell them that you are unhappy? After you have cheated and betrayed that person? After that person has helped you completely make over your life? They start to think it’s themselves making you unhappy. They get depressed. They start hating themselves. They start thinking that if they died you would be happier. Don’t do that, you fuck!

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So, yeah, she’s telling him basically that it’s his fault that she was being a skank ass slut. Then, she starts accusing him of cheating. Go figure. He tells me this isn’t true. She claims people have told her without a doubt that it is true. 😐 I believe nothing unless one of three people on earth who I consider absolutely trustworthy tell me, so I will take his word until one of the three tells me different. I know what it’s like to be accused of cheating constantly when you know you are not.

(For all you light weights… one of the top five signs that your partner is cheating is when they start accusing YOU of cheating and you KNOW that’s not true.)

So, okay… they start trying to work it out, because almost all couples do “try” to work it out. I said for years I would walk right out the door if it ever happened to me but I didn’t. I was all talk. I stayed and tried (for way too long). So did my renters. But then, my friend comes to me and tells me some of the things his significant other is saying in conversation and things that have happened. And I realize she is trying to provoke him… on purpose… 😯

My friend/former employee is a Army veteran with PTSD issues. He can lose his temper. I have rarely seen him lose his temper around me. And, in fact, I have only actually heard of two or three times in ten years where he became so agitated that he actually yelled or threw something. I’m not saying he doesn’t do it… I’m saying he is probably prone to it, given the right conditions and environment. That doesn’t make it right, but it is what it is…

This woman was creating an environment that would subsequently cause him to lose self control! I could hear it in what he was telling me. I knew it and I told him. I told him that she was trying to get under his skin. I told him to stay calm and just make the break and be done with it. She was purposely trying to provoke him!

I really wanted her to just move on and for him to stay stable in my home. I wasn’t trying to be selfish. I just wanted him to be the stable one and her to leave since that is what she wanted anyway… All he had to do was quit listening to her and wait for her to file her taxes and let her leave.

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He didn’t listen. Some fight started after he had been drinking. I don’t know all the details. I only know what the police report said. He threw something and a part of it hit her. He was thrown in jail for domestic battery and damage to property. She had him arrested. For a fight she probably provoked.

Here’s how I feel about people who charge their family members for crimes or call the cops on them after you have provoked them for DAYS to do something rash: You are WHITE TRASH. This is not for everyone… I’m not saying you shouldn’t have your Uncle arrested for molesting your children or charge your husband or wife with battery if they are beating you in the face with their fists like you’re in Fight Club. But, people who charge people just out of vindictiveness for small things are white mother fucking trash.

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For example, one of my foster children has a juvenile FELONY record for assault because he pushed his wheelchair bound uncle away from him… hard. The uncle called the cops. The boy was then entered into the juvenile criminal system. The uncle was never charged with anything… because he was in a wheel chair, I am sure. But the real story is that the uncle was a nasty old man that carried a cane that he used to beat his sister’s children with. He would prod them and poke them, intentionally trip them, whip the back of their legs when they least expected it… Maybe he was just ignorant, but really… did he never expect these children to grow up and decide one day to not take it anymore? So, at 11 years old, he had his nephew charged for a crime he provoked into being. That man is white mother fucking trash.

To me, this woman provoked my friend… for days… maybe even a few weeks… to lose his shit and throw a Wii console. Not at her… at a wall. When the console broke, a game/dvd flew out and hit her. Domestic battery is not an easy thing to get out of and it will probably be a part of his record now FOREVER. They have a daughter together. She didn’t need to charge him. The woman has family all over the damn county. She could have left long ago, got a restraining order without charging him, and never spoke to him again… but hey, charging him is so much better…

I just have different values…  And, don’t you think for one second that I don’t know what I’m talking about because I have never been in that situation. I have actually been in worse situations, more than once in my lifetime… I chose a different path… because having the father of my children charged with something that cannot be amended in any way and becomes a permanent scar on them is too serious of a responsibility. I would be ashamed of pressing charges especially if I knew I had provoked him, full well knowing his mental limitations. I did not provoke what happened to me and I still didn’t have him charged.

Once again, this is not for serious assault cases or in cases where someone repeatedly abuses someone physically… I completely understand those situations and agree that protecting yourself and your family from serious physical harm is essential is some cases. I do not believe this to be the case here.

So, anyway, now she is staying in the house. My house. And he is in jail… or was… I have no idea where he is now… I hope he is choosing to start a new life far away from her. They both need to stay away from each other.

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After all this happened, she hacked his Facebook and read all my messages to him. Then tried to confront me about it all and straight up continued to lie to me about it. I just told her exactly what I thought while trying to stay classy. I really did at one time think this woman was a friend to me. She’s not. I can’t be friends with someone that cannot just admit when they did something like that… because it shows disrespect to me to think I am that stupid. Besides, there is absolutely no way I can support the decision to call the cops for that situation.

Her message to confront me was full of the usual cheater excuses of unhappiness and how cruel he was… and how she wasn’t letting anyone treat her that way… And how I should ask so and so to confirm this. And how her brother (one of the loudest, most obnoxiously honest, up front and to the point people I have ever known in my life… and that’s a compliment…) could tell me what a rat her man was… really??? So why didn’t her brother confront the man himself? Because the brother I know would definitely have said something…

Listen up, Ladies… if your man is not respecting you and makes you feel unhappy, unloved, or unwanted, LEAVE. Walk right the hell out. Especially if you have nearby family who is supposedly witness to all the wrongdoings committed against you… WHY WOULD YOU STAY???? Apparently so you can provoke them to leave… so much more fun that way…

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So that was about 6 weeks of drama right there. Additional dramas?

One of my ex-BFFs contacted me out of the blue stating that she finally got her husband to leave and how should she go about filing for divorce. First of all, hel-lo… I haven’t heard from you in forever. Yes, I’m doing great. Yada, yada, yada… Second of all, I am the LAST person you should ask about how to do a divorce… mine took forever and cost and arm and three legs for NOTHING. What little I did get awarded, I never actually received and probably never will. You should probably ask someone who did it more successfully than me. 😕

By the way, this woman was actually verbally abused severely for many years. I know this because I witnessed it. She had the cops at her house on more than one occasion and she filed a temporary restraining order once in the last 2 years or so just to create some space for her to think. She never had him charged with anything and he threw shit all over the damn house… kicked her car door in… made an ass out of himself… but she never had him charged. I will give her that at least. She had some class and knew that her children would have this father as their father forever no matter what. Having him charged with damage to property was not going to help their perception of him… he was doing a fine job all by himself…

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My other ex-BFF just out of the blue contacted me and apologized. I have not yet answered her yet and am still contemplating on what to do. I miss her a lot but she is a Bipolar 1 and just went through an “episode”… it was an extended 8 month episode and involved me to some extent in that she accused me of having an affair with her husband. Several times. 😐

While I completely understand the bipolar part of everything, and I am actually very sympathetic to the journey so many bipolar people have to take, it was jarring to have someone who either wasn’t married to me or whom I did not give birth to, treat me so badly over paranoia. And I’m not sure how comfortable I am with making myself open to being attacked again in that way. She says she is better… but she told me that once before… 😦

So that’s where I have been… what I have been doing… where my head has been at… stuck in a all girl, junior high after school Jerry Springer TV special… Now you know…

Bet you wish you didn’t, huh?

😛

Since I have been down and out for the whole summer, let me catch you all up on my family dramas.

My father got married. The day after my one year anniversary. I could not take time off at the last minute like that and neither could my husband and there was no way I was missing spending my first year anniversary with my husband… so I did not go. My opinion is that the date he chose to get married on was very selfish. But then, the whole marriage thing in and of itself was very selfish.

So I did not attend the wedding. My brother did, though, with my nephew. I wish it had been later in the month when I could have attended because I like traveling with my brother. We have similar ideas for where we want to go when traveling. That would make it more fun. We used to ditch our family members in Oklahoma (they didn’t invite us to hang out with them anyway so no loss) so that we could go eat at restaurants we had heard were good in the area.

Soooo, anyway… he did get married. His new wife, Joy, is a very nice woman. I have absolutely nothing against her. Our first meeting was a disaster but I think we smoothed it over. I think she somehow thought my Dad was super close to me and Leland. He’s only as close as he allows himself to be. She didn’t realize that and our first meeting she felt was cold. To me and Leland, it was  normal… It is what it is. Anyway, he is now all the way across the country and has started to rebuild his new life so there is nothing else to be said.

Big news on my daughter’s life. Remember the ghetto ass loser she was dating for four years that I could NOT get her to break up with if my life depended on it? Wellllll….. guess what? He pulled a major TIM and carried on a 6 month affair with another woman, buying her children gifts and helping to pay her bills for her. So deja Veux!

I was so upset and sad for her and her broken heart but secretly doing flips and dancing inside. What.A.Loser! It makes me sad that she gravitates to being treated this way and turned a blind eye to it for so long. I feel that staying in my own situation for years only taught her to tolerate that shit for longer than anyone should.

But she is finally FREE! Send you gainfully employed and well brought up single sons my way! My daughter needs a good guy in her life! 🙂

Actually, right now, she is just learning to be single. She was sharing a home with her boyfriend’s parents, which was awkward, so she is now living in her own one bedroom apartment, by herself. This is the first time she has ever lived alone. This will be a good learning experience for her. I worry about her constantly but we bought her a stun gun and pepper spray. We are also applying for a FOID card for her… just in case we decide she needs a gun… 😆 (Actually, we read that she needs a FOID card for the stun gun… she’s too blonde to entrust with a gun.)

My son has been doing some flip flopping on his bipolarness lately. One minute he is the best son ever and the next minute he freaking hates me. It’s like living with a 13 year old girl. And he doesn’t even live with me! WTF? 😯

He did finally find a full time position and he has stayed at it. That is a huge accomplishment for any major bipolar person. It takes alot to stay grounded. Most young people have that problem. But it is 10 times worse when you are dealing with bipolar disorder.

My husband continues to be my husband. 😉 I find that now that we have been married for a year, we are so much more comfortable with each other than we were previously. It has been awkward at times. Maybe that was because I was only with my ex-husband since I was 14 years old. This is really only like my second or third long term relationship… I know — slut, right? — Screw you, Nathan! 😛

Anyway, he still does stupid, immature things sometimes that drive me nuts… He’s lucky I am so tolerant and realize WHY he is that way. Most women would bolt.. and DID in fact bolt when he exhibited some of these less than stellar behaviors. For example…

The night of our anniversary, we went for a romantic supper at a nice Italian restaurant. Everything was good. We made a Walmart run right after and then headed home. I could tell he was a little tired… So we get home and he’s cranky as hell! WTF? It’s our anniversary, dude! You are not acting like a (excuse my French) fuckable husband right now! Needless to say, anniversary sex did NOT happen that night. Pissed me off. 😆 He apologized the next day but you only get ONE first wedding anniversary night, ya know?

Oh well. That’s okay. I’m not scarred for life by it or anything. I haven’t felt very “fuckable” myself lately anyway. 😆

I’ve spent my entire summer mired in stress and have been unable to lose anything. And I swear to God that the baby pushed all my fat UP so I still look pregnant half the time. I read somewhere that stress causes more abdominal fat as well so I have been screwed from the start, I suppose. The bad tenants, house remodel, plumbing issues, excessive home repair costs, and an absolutely grueling work environment have ruined my ability to deal with stress effectively. That will probably be my New Year’s Resolution. Take care of me. 🙂

So that’s the short family update. Hope everyone else’s families are well. EPers please remember to keep Nate’s momma in your prayers.

PEACE!

I don’t even really know what to say. I am so consumed by this illness and I don’t even have it! I am just spent today. Just really feeling defeated.

For those who don’t know already, my son and my ex-husband both suffer from bipolar disorder. Many of you do know this and some of you I have even met specifically because of it. Anyway…..

This morning, James completely freaked out on me. And I, in turn, ended up freaking out on him. I hate hate hate when that happens. I hate the feeling afterwards that I was somehow dragged into the depths of hell by someone I love. I hate knowing that I should have known better because I am the one without the disorder and the parent. I hate it.

So I am pretty much having my own little pity party right now. I just have no clue what to do or what direction to go. I am drained of any energy or enthusiasm for helping him anymore. That feels so bad. I feel like a horrible person.

He was in a bad mood from the start. I could hear him bitching at his non-girlfriend when he woke up at like 11am. Then, he decided to force me to join in. He started bitching about his job. He has worked for 7 days straight with no time off for 6 hours a night. He was frustrated because he is working with all women and they are driving him nuts. He was pissed because he has no car and has to pay $10 a day to get a ride to work. He then proceeded to say that his life was shit.

This is where he pulls me in. He starts telling me that I am never there for him. That I am so consumed by my new boyfriend that I never think about him anymore. That I haven’t asked him how his life is in the last 2 weeks. That I am never here. That I never cook for him. That the house is always too damn cold. That it’s my fault that I am stuck with this stupid house. (Yeah…. that was random…)

He’s like screaming at me. He wouldn’t let me talk and when I tried he said I never let him speak. Dear Lord. He was coming up to me like he was going to chest bump me. He got mad when I recoiled from him. He gets mad that I am scared of him and what he might do.

My son is 21 years old. He’s not a child anymore. Hell, he shouldn’t even still be here. He should be out on his own, working a full time job or in college full time, living and building his adult life…. Yes, I have a new boyfriend and I spend alot of time with him. He is the one completely pure and loving force in my life. He makes me happy. He likes to take care of me. No one else does that for me. No one. And I need that. I didn’t know how bad I needed that until he came along, but I need that. And he likes taking care of me. He is the one person in my life that doesn’t expect me to be the strong one all the damn time.

I have been spending my nights at Andy’s, even when he is working. I was doing that because the kids seem to have people coming in and out of the house at all hours of the night. It was easier to stay there and just come home in the morning.

The house? I can maintain my house as long as nothing changes. The thermostat I have is a programmable one and it was set 5 years ago. I have never changed the settings. So the coolness in my house has never changed. NOW he has a problem with it? I admit that it’s cold here. I can’t afford huge heating bills and I have an older home with no attic insulation. Hell, I have to sell on ebay every winter just to pay whatever heating bills I do have.

He tried to act like he was doing me a favor by staying here with me and having at least someone living in this house…. Um….. no…. you are costing me money and house repairs. I am doing YOU the favor. I do not and never have felt that my home is a burden. I like my home. I really only use 4 rooms in the house total though. It is a bit big for just me. But it is far from a burden to me. I can maintain it just fine if it’s just me. So I have no idea where that assumption came from…..

I have been cooking for the 3 grown ass boys living here and supplying them with groceries and toiletries. None of them help me with that. They are all 21 years old and fully capable of doing that for themselves but they expect me to do it and never thank me EVER. I did not cook the week of Thanksgiving because I needed the money to buy everything for Thanksgiving. Before that, I was cooking every week for them and prepackaging all their meals. There were plenty of leftovers from Thanksgiving and they ate them all in 3 days. I bought 10 pounds of hamburger, bread, and some steaks last week for them. They have been cooking it. They go through a 4 pack of toilet paper in 3 days…. and they only need toilet paper 50% of the times they use the damn bathroom!

But I’m a bad parent….. because I never ask James how his life is and I’m not sympathetic to his complaints. And I fully admit this. I am here at least 10 hours a day. I work here. My office is here. I am usually gone at night (as are they) and on the weekends. But I am here almost every day. And I talk to James every day. Now, granted, I don’t sit him down every day and say “tell me how your life is going, dear”. Does anyone do that? I assume that if something isn’t going well for him, he will tell me!

But here’s the thing….. I am not sympathetic to his issues. I know I’m not. And this is where it gets sketchy. He has bipolar disorder. His complaints about his life seem trivial to me. I know I should be more sympathetic, but I’m not. I find it extremely hard to be sympathetic about someone having to work 6 hours a day, not have any bills, and party every night. I have worked since I was 14 years old. I had my first apartment when I was 16 years old. I have worked full time since I was 16 years old AND I went to school and got pretty damn good grades. I have slept in cars in the middle of winter. I have worked shitty jobs to put food on my kids’ table. I have lived through some pretty depressing shit.

To me, and to most sane people, life is a series of ups and downs. You have to take the good with the bad. You have to be able to pull yourself up from the ashes of Hell to get to the good stuff. You don’t expect everyone to always take care of you. You don’t want anyone else to be miserable because of you. You don’t sit around forever complaining. If you don’t like your life, you fucking change it!

But, that’s not what James expects. He expects me to be here for him 24 hours a day, whether he is here or not. He expects, even as an adult, for me to cook and clean for him and be here to help solve all his issues. He expects me to be a sympathtic ear and say shit like “oh, I know you work sooooo hard. you shouldn’t have to work so hard, James. You should quit that job and find a new one where you only have to work 10 hours a week because this job is just too stressful for you.” That’s what he wants. It’s completely and totally not who I am and never has been who I am, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is what he wants and that he is happy. Fuck everyone else…..

And I understand that alot of it is the disorder talking. I understand that all the irrational thinking and insanely inappropriate reactions are the bipolar disorder. But now we are getting into that fine line in the sand that I had to cross with my ex-husband….. at what point do I have to say “sorry, but I need to maintain my sanity and I am sticking by my own belief system…. you know, the rational one….. You will NOT define my happiness for me and you will NOT steal it from me”?

When my ex and I were in marriage counseling, the counselor once told me that my ex really truly believed the outrageous lies he was telling me as well as everyone else on God’s green earth. My response was “that doesn’t make it okay!!!!” That’s how I feel now. And it makes me feel helpless. James doesn’t realize that everything he is saying is irrational. To him, all his demands (that I break up with my boyfriend and stay home everyday, that I cook and clean up after him, that I provide him with a comfortable home, that I ask him often how his emotional well being is and then sympathise with his “plight”) are all rational…. yes, even though he is an adult now. They are rational for a dependent child…… not so much for an adult child.

He is so self-absorbed and he really could care less if I am happy. Really. He just doesn’t give a shit what I need. All he cares about is what he needs. I know that has to be the disorder talking. I have a perfectly normal daughter who was raised the same way James was that is self-sufficient for the most part. The only issues she seems to have are geared towards love relationships and I atrtribute that to the fact that I set such a bad example for 20 years. But she doesn’t have the sense of entitlement that James does. And she was raised in the same household, with the same set of rules, with the same set of values. The bipolar is my only way to reason with myself why James is like this.

So what do I do? Do I sacrifice my own happiness to accomodate James? Do I break up with my boyfriend and stay home and be the awesome mother that James wishes me to be like he’s 12 years old still? Somehow, I think that even if I did that, he wouldn’t be happy with me. I feel like I can never be good enough for him. And, to be quite frank, it really pisses me off that he feels that I should sacrifice anything and everything that makes me happy so that he can feel good for a fleeting moment. Is that bad? It sure feels like it….

Maybe I am just a really bad parent. Maybe I am evil for wanting to have personal happiness in my life. I just feel dirty. I feel like a royal piece of shit tonight. I don’t know what to do….. I really just don’t know what to do…..

I’m beyond sad right now. 😦