Posts Tagged ‘mental health’

I was so sad to hear of the passing of Robin Williams. It’s a real tragedy that such talent has now left us. It’s equally tragic that the manner of his death was indicative of his drowning in sorrow and despair.

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So many people have such strong feelings of suicide. People all over Facebook are debating and arguing over his suicide. Sometimes, I just wish people would shut the fuck up. It’s okay to have an opinion but sometimes your opinion is best left unsaid. There is a time and a place for everything. Speaking out against the selfishness of suicide right after someone does it is soooo unclassy.

I have an opinion just like all the other assholes out here… I just choose to keep it mostly to myself as opposed to, say, typing it all out on Robin Williams’  loved ones’ Twitter or Instagram or Facebook accounts. What a bunch of dicks those people who did that are. Seriously.

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So, I’m not going to say what my exact opinion was of this tragic incident. But I do want to share with you my fears about suicide as it pertains to people in my life with bipolar disorder.

This is my worst fear. It is something I have worried about for years and years. I have acquaintances who have had to walk that path of being a casualty of suicide. It’s so devastating and life changing. It can thrust the ones left behind into a dark abyss of depression.

As the parent and former spouse and close friend of bipolar people… as someone who has seen what the extreme depths of depression can do to an average ordinary person… I have a great phobia of any one of these past or present people suddenly deciding to take their own life. What’s even scarier for me is that there is probably nothing I can do to stop it if they choose that path at some point.

My ex-husband will call me a damn liar, I’m sure, but I worried about that constantly during my separation with him. I felt I was fueling his psychotic behavior by continuing to speak with him. He was so distraught and desperate. He was being completely irrational. My solution – wrong as it was – was to stop being emotional around him. To just stop my end of the madness in hopes that it would stop his.

It didn’t. He just became even more irrational and ended up thinking I was a complete bitch. Looking back, I wish I had done things differently. But there’s nothing I can do about that now. I am just so glad that he has found someone that makes him happy again. I am so glad he never hurt himself and that he was able t find his light again.

My son has the disorder worse than my ex-husband does, so I really fear for his life as he gets older and the disease progresses unmedicated. I worry that he will go out and do something irreversibly wrong and then think that he has no way out. I worry that as he gets older and his bipolar episodes become more prevalent that he will sink into deep depressions that will be hard to lift him out from.

One of my best friends also has bipolar disorder. I actually didn’t even speak with her for about a year because her disorder became so bad that she became delusional. It was safer for her and me for me to stay away. Her husband actually had to have her committed to a mental ward (which is actually very hard to do when people are over the age of 18 – he had to get a court order) due to hallucinations and delusional actions.

This friend would get so depressed that she wouldn’t leave her house for months. I would ask her to go do things and she would say yes and then cancel at the last minute. Or, she would cry at the thought of leaving the home. It was a major low depression doing that.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Magnet, SVP05-0126
I saw an interview with Robin Williams in the mid ’90’s. He had admitted to being bipolar. I remember it well because my ex-husband was diagnosed at around the same time I came across the interview.

Even after all the bullshit I went through with my ex-husband, I would never want him to die. And I especially would not want him to commit suicide and leave my children without their funnest parent. Ever.

I worry constantly about my son. He has had friends and people he went to school with who have committed suicide. I am thankful that his opinion is genuinely one of disbelief that they did this. However, I know from past experiences with him that he could very well make a bad decision like that in his future. It terrifies me.

I am thankful that my friend has a husband who has lived with and cared for his wife since she was 15 years old and couldn’t imagine his life without her… the good and the bad. He is obviously a saint and deserves every good thing in life. I couldn’t hack it and got oyt of the situation. He stands strong like a warrior through it all to make sure my friend remains safe. I still worry about her, though. He can’t be there 24/7. She is another one that could make an irrational split second decision that would forever change all who know her.

This is my worst fear. I’m sure that the devastation I can only imagine would happen is actually probably 10 times worse for the loved ones that have actually been victims of the aftermath of suicide.

I wish I could shield each of these people that I know, who suffer from the debilitating effects of the major depressive state that they swing down to after having a manic episode, from any suicidal thoughts for the rest of their lives. I know I can’t shield them from it. All I can do is be there if they need me. Sometimes, it’s the being there that can make all the difference for some people… for others, I can’t be so sure that anything could stop them.

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PEACE!!!

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Are you shitting me????
(no pun intended.)

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Do you know how much freaking ground turkey I have eaten in the last 8 weeks?

😯 W.T.F.????? 😯

I don’t even really know what to say. I am so consumed by this illness and I don’t even have it! I am just spent today. Just really feeling defeated.

For those who don’t know already, my son and my ex-husband both suffer from bipolar disorder. Many of you do know this and some of you I have even met specifically because of it. Anyway…..

This morning, James completely freaked out on me. And I, in turn, ended up freaking out on him. I hate hate hate when that happens. I hate the feeling afterwards that I was somehow dragged into the depths of hell by someone I love. I hate knowing that I should have known better because I am the one without the disorder and the parent. I hate it.

So I am pretty much having my own little pity party right now. I just have no clue what to do or what direction to go. I am drained of any energy or enthusiasm for helping him anymore. That feels so bad. I feel like a horrible person.

He was in a bad mood from the start. I could hear him bitching at his non-girlfriend when he woke up at like 11am. Then, he decided to force me to join in. He started bitching about his job. He has worked for 7 days straight with no time off for 6 hours a night. He was frustrated because he is working with all women and they are driving him nuts. He was pissed because he has no car and has to pay $10 a day to get a ride to work. He then proceeded to say that his life was shit.

This is where he pulls me in. He starts telling me that I am never there for him. That I am so consumed by my new boyfriend that I never think about him anymore. That I haven’t asked him how his life is in the last 2 weeks. That I am never here. That I never cook for him. That the house is always too damn cold. That it’s my fault that I am stuck with this stupid house. (Yeah…. that was random…)

He’s like screaming at me. He wouldn’t let me talk and when I tried he said I never let him speak. Dear Lord. He was coming up to me like he was going to chest bump me. He got mad when I recoiled from him. He gets mad that I am scared of him and what he might do.

My son is 21 years old. He’s not a child anymore. Hell, he shouldn’t even still be here. He should be out on his own, working a full time job or in college full time, living and building his adult life…. Yes, I have a new boyfriend and I spend alot of time with him. He is the one completely pure and loving force in my life. He makes me happy. He likes to take care of me. No one else does that for me. No one. And I need that. I didn’t know how bad I needed that until he came along, but I need that. And he likes taking care of me. He is the one person in my life that doesn’t expect me to be the strong one all the damn time.

I have been spending my nights at Andy’s, even when he is working. I was doing that because the kids seem to have people coming in and out of the house at all hours of the night. It was easier to stay there and just come home in the morning.

The house? I can maintain my house as long as nothing changes. The thermostat I have is a programmable one and it was set 5 years ago. I have never changed the settings. So the coolness in my house has never changed. NOW he has a problem with it? I admit that it’s cold here. I can’t afford huge heating bills and I have an older home with no attic insulation. Hell, I have to sell on ebay every winter just to pay whatever heating bills I do have.

He tried to act like he was doing me a favor by staying here with me and having at least someone living in this house…. Um….. no…. you are costing me money and house repairs. I am doing YOU the favor. I do not and never have felt that my home is a burden. I like my home. I really only use 4 rooms in the house total though. It is a bit big for just me. But it is far from a burden to me. I can maintain it just fine if it’s just me. So I have no idea where that assumption came from…..

I have been cooking for the 3 grown ass boys living here and supplying them with groceries and toiletries. None of them help me with that. They are all 21 years old and fully capable of doing that for themselves but they expect me to do it and never thank me EVER. I did not cook the week of Thanksgiving because I needed the money to buy everything for Thanksgiving. Before that, I was cooking every week for them and prepackaging all their meals. There were plenty of leftovers from Thanksgiving and they ate them all in 3 days. I bought 10 pounds of hamburger, bread, and some steaks last week for them. They have been cooking it. They go through a 4 pack of toilet paper in 3 days…. and they only need toilet paper 50% of the times they use the damn bathroom!

But I’m a bad parent….. because I never ask James how his life is and I’m not sympathetic to his complaints. And I fully admit this. I am here at least 10 hours a day. I work here. My office is here. I am usually gone at night (as are they) and on the weekends. But I am here almost every day. And I talk to James every day. Now, granted, I don’t sit him down every day and say “tell me how your life is going, dear”. Does anyone do that? I assume that if something isn’t going well for him, he will tell me!

But here’s the thing….. I am not sympathetic to his issues. I know I’m not. And this is where it gets sketchy. He has bipolar disorder. His complaints about his life seem trivial to me. I know I should be more sympathetic, but I’m not. I find it extremely hard to be sympathetic about someone having to work 6 hours a day, not have any bills, and party every night. I have worked since I was 14 years old. I had my first apartment when I was 16 years old. I have worked full time since I was 16 years old AND I went to school and got pretty damn good grades. I have slept in cars in the middle of winter. I have worked shitty jobs to put food on my kids’ table. I have lived through some pretty depressing shit.

To me, and to most sane people, life is a series of ups and downs. You have to take the good with the bad. You have to be able to pull yourself up from the ashes of Hell to get to the good stuff. You don’t expect everyone to always take care of you. You don’t want anyone else to be miserable because of you. You don’t sit around forever complaining. If you don’t like your life, you fucking change it!

But, that’s not what James expects. He expects me to be here for him 24 hours a day, whether he is here or not. He expects, even as an adult, for me to cook and clean for him and be here to help solve all his issues. He expects me to be a sympathtic ear and say shit like “oh, I know you work sooooo hard. you shouldn’t have to work so hard, James. You should quit that job and find a new one where you only have to work 10 hours a week because this job is just too stressful for you.” That’s what he wants. It’s completely and totally not who I am and never has been who I am, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is what he wants and that he is happy. Fuck everyone else…..

And I understand that alot of it is the disorder talking. I understand that all the irrational thinking and insanely inappropriate reactions are the bipolar disorder. But now we are getting into that fine line in the sand that I had to cross with my ex-husband….. at what point do I have to say “sorry, but I need to maintain my sanity and I am sticking by my own belief system…. you know, the rational one….. You will NOT define my happiness for me and you will NOT steal it from me”?

When my ex and I were in marriage counseling, the counselor once told me that my ex really truly believed the outrageous lies he was telling me as well as everyone else on God’s green earth. My response was “that doesn’t make it okay!!!!” That’s how I feel now. And it makes me feel helpless. James doesn’t realize that everything he is saying is irrational. To him, all his demands (that I break up with my boyfriend and stay home everyday, that I cook and clean up after him, that I provide him with a comfortable home, that I ask him often how his emotional well being is and then sympathise with his “plight”) are all rational…. yes, even though he is an adult now. They are rational for a dependent child…… not so much for an adult child.

He is so self-absorbed and he really could care less if I am happy. Really. He just doesn’t give a shit what I need. All he cares about is what he needs. I know that has to be the disorder talking. I have a perfectly normal daughter who was raised the same way James was that is self-sufficient for the most part. The only issues she seems to have are geared towards love relationships and I atrtribute that to the fact that I set such a bad example for 20 years. But she doesn’t have the sense of entitlement that James does. And she was raised in the same household, with the same set of rules, with the same set of values. The bipolar is my only way to reason with myself why James is like this.

So what do I do? Do I sacrifice my own happiness to accomodate James? Do I break up with my boyfriend and stay home and be the awesome mother that James wishes me to be like he’s 12 years old still? Somehow, I think that even if I did that, he wouldn’t be happy with me. I feel like I can never be good enough for him. And, to be quite frank, it really pisses me off that he feels that I should sacrifice anything and everything that makes me happy so that he can feel good for a fleeting moment. Is that bad? It sure feels like it….

Maybe I am just a really bad parent. Maybe I am evil for wanting to have personal happiness in my life. I just feel dirty. I feel like a royal piece of shit tonight. I don’t know what to do….. I really just don’t know what to do…..

I’m beyond sad right now. 😦